AIBU to resent my unemployed sister and her “difficult life”?

So what did you consider your job? Who was your manager? And your employment rights?

or do working mums have 2 jobs?

SAHMs are an incredibly valuable and tough role but they are not in employment

I had a friend like this. When her DH was made redundant and earned less as a result, in order to top up the take-home she took on a PT job.
A few weeks later, she approached me to say that now she was working, she couldn’t believe how much I achieved while working full-time and bringing up the DC, and said she had so much more respect for me now that she was experiencing a fraction of the working hours I did!
Having never criticised her, I felt her comment was genuine, and that she was being very honest!

Well they are aren't they? They don't have paid employment

So what? Unless there are issues that OP is unaware of, her sister seems to be complaining about her very luxurious and carefree life. As Chandler Bing would say 'my wallet's too small for my fifties and my diamond shoes are too tight'.

OP I think it does make a difference if you don't have kids. Some parents will look at people without kids as having it easy no matter what else they have going on (not saying they should but might explain why your sister feels OK complaining to you)

Oh don’t be so Pollyanna. Everyone gets stressed sometimes, you don’t get to tell SAHMs what they can and can’t say. You go be superwoman if you want to be.

And no, I’m not “unemployed”. The term you are looking for is economically inactive.

Everyone’s life is different. Everyone’s struggles and challenges are different. On the face of it, myself and my family appear to have a “ nice life” DD is at university, DS has an apprenticeship in his chosen field, we live in a nice part of an essentially run down town, we have a car each and eat relatively well. However, DP has Parkinson’s and I’m living day to day with two aggressive cancers in my body. I’m off sick
from work and I hate it. To others who don’t know us, they may well be wondering what we do all day. Trying to survive for our kids is the answer.

You have your life and she has hers. Leave it there. She maybe even be jealous of your life! 🤷‍♀️

I remember being an obnoxious teenager (40 odd years ago) and telling my mother, who worked part time, that housewives are basically unemployed. The umbrage she took at that comment was unbelievable and she tore me off a strip but I still say if you are not working for a wage then you are unemployed.

I can understand you’re jealous. But the reality is that she doesn’t have any of her own achievements. Her financial wellbeing is entirely tied to another individual.

I’m sure we’ve all seen friends who took the SAHM path (and for some reason, never work again) and who got left in the dust when their husbands decided to cheat/leave/be abusive/become unemployed/die. It’s quite a precarious position to be in.

I wouldn’t want my sons to be responsible for another adult when they’re older and I’ll be advocating for my nieces to always pursue their own career ambitions and financial independence.

Forgot to add…I always chuckle when one of my friends, a SAHM of older primary kids talks about “running the house”. Her house is a shit tip, I literally don’t know what she does with her time 😂 🙊

Any sahms with all kids at achool age and therefore spend 6 hours a day with free time are unemployed, could work but choose not to. Therefore do not get to complain of stress.
Some of us work full time, in two jobs, manage a team, pay all the bills, do all the school runs, all the after school clubs, cooking, cleaning, ironing and all the childcare, support elderly relatives, with no outside help, and still don't complain of stress.

This sticks out to me

She expects sympathy, and never expresses any gratitude for her situation. I’ve never had a clear answer about what she does all day

Why should she "express gratitude for her situation" to you? Her life is what it is. Just because she has what looks like a nice shiny life to you, doesn't mean it is. So she has a big house/kids at private school or whatever - doesn't mean she can't have problems and should keep her trap shut "and be grateful."

As for the "I've never had a clear answer about what she does all day"
Sorry, but WTF has it got to do with you?! 🙄😂
Should she write you down her itinerary of each day to see if it meets your approval?! 😂

I say this as someone who is skint and can only dream of a big house and private schools.
It sounds like you need to work on your own issues.

Do you have children OP? If not your life is not comparable in any way to your sister's.

She probably feels busy because she organises everyone else's life as well her own. Her DH probably does fuck all domestically, her DC will do loads of after school activities, someone has to employ the cleaners and organise their work.

I don't doubt for one second that she has an easier life than most, but it doesn't take too much imagination to see why she might feel stressed sometimes?

My best friend works very few hours (self employed) has a supportive DH, a great social life, a wonderful relationship with her grown up son - and yet she is continually stressed/worried/anxious/depressed. On the face of it she has everything, but sadly it doesn't stop her from feeling overwhelmed.

I've worked for a number of very wealthy families. None of them was any happier than any other regular person. And in fact, they seemed to go out of their way to find ridiculous things to deliberately get stressed/upset about.

Sometimes it's actually easier to have something concrete to pin unhappiness on, like "oh, I'd be a lovely happy joyful person if I just had ......"

Caveat: living in actual poverty, at risk of homelessness, not enough food for your kids, working long hours in a demanding but soul destroying job is hell, and having enough money to lift yourself out of that category certainly can buy happiness. But beyond that, it honestly doesn't.

For the same reason retired people have a habit of telling everyone they’re “busier than ever”, it’s likely just some form of subconscious self-validation.

Anyone who refers to a SAHP as being unemployed is being deliberately condescending and rude.

A person who is out of work and actively seeking work and claiming benefits is unemployed.

A person who is at home looking after young children during the day is a SAHP, as is any parent of a child who has chosen not to be in paid employment. This person is not actively seeking work, claiming benefits, etc.

You mention that a person in paid employment does everything a SAHP does - but unless you work part-time, you are not available for after-schoo/holiday child-care, etc. You are not available to mind your pre-school children during the day, are you ?

A SAHM isn't unemployed. Unless we also count children and retirees as being unemployed

I'd tell her to pack it in as she's living a life most can only dream of. If she's 'struggling' to get things done, she can cut back her daily sauna/gym time.

I think you would only class yourself as unemployed if you are looking for work, no?

I think people who are not actively looking for work are not included in the unemployed stats.

Perhaps her lack of purpose is a source of stress. Or low self esteem. It's not easy knowing that others think about you the way you obviously do, OP. I don't blame you for that; clearly you're not alone in judging and dismissing your sister's value.

YABU to feel resentful as it will just grind you down and not change your own situation.
It's tedious. In these sorts of situations I do some classic acknowledgement of their feelings, w/o giving away how I feel or trying to come up with solutions for them.

e.g. You're telling me you're exhausted and that you have no time for yourself. That must be hard for you.

That does sound a bit twatty though. It works well with unreasonable toddlers!
Or just let her talk w/o responding at all.

In what way does she expect sympathy?

Well if the children are in school all day and they have a cleaner and ironing service I think that's different than having under 5s or children with a disability and no help.

I did have a time when I was placed on gardening leave for a couple of months between jobs. My kids were then I think 10 and 8 so in education full time. Over this period I stayed at home and did the housework cooking and all drop offs etc. There is work there yes, but in my fairly big house, I could not stretch it to more than a couple of hours a day. I spent a lot of time in the gym and had some fabulous lunches. By the end of the leave period, even though I liked the gym time I was bored. I do not judge anyone who stays at home with the kids, but equally once they go to school if you are comparing it to full time work, I do not think this is remotely realistic.

Apologies, I should have said makes you a lady of leisure 😆