AIBU to resent my unemployed sister and her “difficult life”?

🩷 cycle 4 here and standing with you. I hope your IVF works soon and you have your DC. My experience has been that you need to block everyone out in a way when going through treatment, everyone will annoy you and their lives will feel cushy in comparison even though you know logically that’s not the case. You are going through something really hard and are naturally enraged by someone with what looks like an easy life pretending not to have one!

What do you want her to be saying that won’t annoy you op?

I guess she might just think it’s kinder than saying “ what a shame you couldn’t have bagged a better lifestyle like me, so you aren’t all overworked and bitter and judgy.” 🤷🏻‍♀️

Are you sure she isn’t actually quite depressed, or bored or lacking in self esteem? It’s not a life that a lot of people would genuinely enjoy, when it’s someone else’s achievements which provide the lifestyle, the holidays, house, cleaners etc Maybe she wonders what her role is. Maybe she’s become so used to not needing to earn, or look after the house, not even having to do the ironing! - that her resilience and self confidence have taken a battering and she genuinely feels that she’s stressed and overwhelmed.

plus of course you can’t really know what going on inside… maybe her dh is overbearing and doesn’t wish her to have more of a life. Maybe she’s secretly shitting herself about what would happen if he lost his job, got sick, left her….

any of these things are possible. One thing definitely seems certain: if she complaining all the time she’s not content with her life

I think YABU for the simple reason that you can call out when she starts moaning, explain why you’re cutting it out and then move on with your life.

I agree that it seems like the easier your life is, the less tolerance you have for stress. It applies to everything - people from countries with fewer opportunities or more strict environments will also look at life here like the population often whines for no serious reason.

You do sound jealous and unfortunately this happens to many people, we all compare we all envy something about someone else.

Everyone has stresses, having money doesn't make those go away, money can help make life easier but there's always some stress.

There's plenty on here who have cleaners etc if I had the money I'd have everything done for me and I'd have many holidays and breaks, no point having the big salary and not enjoying it.

It sounds like she needs some purpose in life for herself.

It sounds very annoying and also mean given your update that you have had unsuccessful ivf treatments.
I would repeat: "I'm sorry you find life to hard" and ignore.
I don't work and have a large family etc. I would feel embarrassed to talk about feeling overwhelmed to any of the working women in my life. I recognise I am in the privileged minority.

I can see why her behaviour would be annoying.

I'm going to derail here. You say yourself that you're tied into stressful, demanding roles due to your high mortgage. Why couldn't you move somewhere cheaper so that you don't both have to be in stressful, demanding roles?

There is also a really strong societal narrative that being very busy and very stressed is a sign that you are important and valuable. So of course people want to convince themselves that they're in that category.

Dunno, I think its a weird thing to be competitive about. There's no standard for feeling exhausted or overwhelmed. Somebody else saying they feel run ragged doesn't impact me at all, it doesn't make me any less busy or stressed. Everyone's circumstances are fairly unique to them and they'll respond in different ways to them.

That’s not always the reason.

Lots of people feel their children benefit from the parents being together - and given the complicated threads on here about blended families, provided the parents can co-exist civilly, that isn’t necessarily a totally groundless attitude.

Moreover, people can love people regardless.

I think rather than being envious you would be better to focus on what makes your sister tick.

It’s even possible she is living a pretty horrid existence.

Well, DC are in school. It's not like she has children to look after during the day 🤷

My point, is that to leave, they would have to give up the lifestyle, get a job etc. But on balance, they don't want to. As they would still have to fit everything in, salon ( for yourself not the man) gym, running kids around and ensuring the kids success and work a job at the same time.

Have you ever spoken to her about it OP? Like telling her you're worried about her mental health since she never gives you a clear answer about what she finds so overwhelming, and that she seems to have lost a sense of perspective given she is moaning about being busy to someone who works full time and does all their own chores

She's not unemployed and the fact you describe her in that way speaks volumes.

Well there you go.

Yes, absolutely.

But maybe your dinner isn’t what she feels under pressure to produce - given all the people like yourself who think she has plenty of time.

Lives are what they are from the inside, not the outside.

Personally I would leave rathet than live under this sort of patriarchal oppression.

Or alternatively she may just be stressed about completely different things.

I know someone in a similar situation who isn’t indulging herself with all the gym and salon visits. Her DH more or less implies that he supports her so they can ensure the Dc are ultra successful with all their sport music etc and she “ has the time” to keep herself looking too top for him. 🙄 Imagine living with that sort of stress.

I don't want to be superwoman. Its just a fact that some of us have to do all these things and just get on with it.
If you're literally just dropping the kids off then putting the wash on, then going to your gym class.. cooking some dinner... then it is not stressful. I have done that for a year while on mat leave, it was not stressful.
I personally think SAHMs with kids at school are basically lazy and want someone else to work and pay for their lifestyles, ie their husband.

Yabu and sound quite jealous

She's not unemployed, she doesn't need to work, unemployed means looking for work.

I've done sahm/pt/ft so have no bias here. Fwiw i found SAHM ing the least stressful, but i find PTing the most enjoyable.

Unemployed is someone out of work who is looking for work and is currently available for work and is actively wanting to work but can’t - to me

i apologise the benefits thing was really not needed there as a lot for me don’t count as being unemployed (Carers Allowance/PIP etc)

if you are supporting yourself by not working to be that isn’t unemployed

In a nutshell, it's her personal justification (embellishing the truth) for in reality being idle most of the time 😊