AIBU to resent my unemployed sister and her “difficult life”?

This is very true op.

The reality of parenting is you never “clock off” which can be a drain of sorts - much as they bring joy. An hour at a spa might help but it’s isn’t the same as pre-Dc downtime.

To be honest, many parents find getting out to a job keeps this mental load in check. They are never totally “ out of sight out of mind” but if can be a distraction. Your dsis might worry a lot. Do any of them have learning issues etc?

I guess the easiest thing to liken it to is your ivf. One friend of mind had her DB say to her “ how is it so stressful? Don’t you just go and have the treatment and just lie there?” But worries are worries.

You can have all the money and help in the world but still feel overwhelmed with life.

Just Don’t engage, OP and ignore the pp who say you’re jealous. Your sis is being massively insensitive and that’s annoying.

I had a friend a bit like this but she works 18 hours a week (topped up by benefits) and bangs on about it like it was the most stressful thing ever. She does have 3 kids but all teens at school who are pretty independent, and get about by public transport. She also has a partner who is around a lot as his work is casual.

She didn’t work at all until she was 33. The way the old benefits worked you didn’t have to work until your oldest went to school so she’s not even been doing this for a decade. She’s actually had it quite easy tbh.

most of my friends have 2-4 kids and work full time, and couldn’t take more 1-2 years of after having each child plus they are in far more challenging jobs but they don’t go on about like that. We all have our story but I feel she feels hard done by being a “working mother” and never stops talking about it, while failing to recognise she got to stay at home with all her kids until the youngest was at school and even now only works part time.
And in her case it wasn’t even funded by a rich partner but by the tax payer.

I used to try and empathise but eventualy I would just change the subject and ignore it the more she went on and on and on about her two days per week at work. She eventually got the picture.

I voted YABU but only because I don't think you should let other peoples grumbles like this affect you in any way.

We all have a baseline happiness and no matter what happens to improve or worsen your situation, most people will return to our baseline happiness level. So it makes me wonder what she was like as a child/adolescent. And whether her baseline is just always going to be a bit miserable. In which case that's sad.

There's also a theory about the "Hedonic Treadmill". Once you achieve a state of happiness from an outside source, like material goods, the initial happiness wears off and there has to be an increase in the material good to produce the initial level of happiness. It's why some rich people can't seem to ever be happy with what they have and keep having to get a bigger house or a fancier car.

Yes, it’s this.

She is downplaying.

Surely you're only unemployed if you're actively seeking work?
Otherwise you're simply existing.

If she tells you she is stressed I think you should listen. It's subjective and not logical, busy people don't own stress in the same way that years ago people used to dismiss depression suffered by people who have 'nothing to be depressed about'. She probably finds driving to the local shopping centre and getting parking to be overwhelming.

That said, its extremely insensitive of her, it's one thing if she confided she is overwhelmed but another if she is going on about how busy she is knowing you have so much more on your plate.

I'd just ignore it and try to shut it down. Or maybe (if she really is pushing your buttons) say something like 'can you imagine if your life was as busy as mine, what would you be like then, to me you have a very easy life' and see how she responds.

Whether or not you think is justified, she clearly feels stressed and tired and thinks she can open up to you. Would you rather she kept her problems to herself? Because that’s not a real relationship. it’s this sort of reaction that makes people hang out with people of a similar income level because the richer person often feels they can’t be open about their problems. In this case, shes your sister. Maybe she expected more understanding from you.

also unemployed means looking for work. In this case she would be classed as economically inactive.

The mum in this example is unemployed as the children are at school and the household jobs outsourced. So yeah, she is unemployed. She’s your veritable lady who lunches!

and also calling a SAHP unemployed is like calling a pensioner or student unemployed. they aren’t in paid employment but it’s not got the same general meaning as “unemployed” as they aren’t seeking work.

i ticked YANBU because i thought you were comparing having a FT job with kids to her lifestyle. But actually if you have no kids you really can’t compare as you are in totally different worlds right now. i loads of sympathy with your ivf situation but i think it’s making you jealous. you don’t really get the stresses involved in parenting, most of them are not necessarily to do with time but to do with the ups and downs of parenting which she may be feeling.

Also, compared to most parents you have loads of free time as you are only juggling jobs so your responsibilities are much less than most people, yet im sure it would feel unfair if we berated you for having so much leisure time while saying you experience stress. It’s just not a fair (or accurate) way to look at things.

I don't know. Non-working member of the unpaid workforce?

But to the gov, unemployed is a label with a criteria; someone who wants/needs a job but can't find one. No gov. wants to count SAHPs in that because the unemployment figures would go right up.

As a word in common usage...meanings vary?

YABU to even listen to nonsense from this woman. She sounds like a spoilt entitled brat. Her world may come down crashing around her ears then she'll be on MN bleating about a selfish man.

I’m retired as are a lot of my friends and they often complain about how busy they are. I did actually say to one of them but you have an extra 50 hours a week now that you are not working/commuting, what are you doing?
Unfortunately that didn’t go down well.
I think the things you have to do expand to fill the time available and also I feel guilty about messing around (especially on MN)

To be fair children are home 50% of the year, especially the summer is around 9/10 weeks long. The school day also isn’t very long, so she probably is busy most of the time, especially if she has a big house to run, multiple people to sort out, it’s a paid job in itself. Even though I imagine others won’t see it that way.

The issue here is one of communication and honesty.

Op you need to say to your sister that you are finding it hard to listen to her stresses when you going through such a hard time with IVF, and it might be best if she speaks to someone else for the time being. It is a shame that she needs this pointed out to her so explicitly, but I would talk to her about it.

Tell her how hard you are finding everything and it should bring you closer, not push you apart. If she doesn’t listen or minimises you can go low contact. You need to look after yourself.

My BF is retired (we dont live together) and when he tells me what he has on for the week they are the things that I fit in around my FT job and commute eg. Dentist, shopping, taking the car for service/MOT etc. all I say in reply when he lists them like its a packed week is "busy, busy' busy!" I don't think he gets my sarcasm and agrees! I wouldn't change my life for anyone's even when I am running around like a headless chicken. My Dad always says, just wait until you really have something to complain about.

I can understand where you are coming from, but I think your attitude to this is a bit simplistic op. We know that people aren’t necessarily happier for a start after a certain income point. And as your dsis is now the designated go-to person for everything domestic and child-related, and her husband does all of the earning, she may feel burdened by lack of autonomy, equality and control in her situation, which can lead to frustration, feelings of worthlessness and depression. Constant moaning can be a symptom of depression btw. Everything isn’t always how it looks from the outside,

One of the central themes that married people argue about is the balance of power in the relationship, and in a high earning man + sahm situation, it is common for that balance to be out of whack.

Also, until you have dc, and are in this situation, it’s difficult to know how your personal experience of being a sahm will turn out, as there are no formal rules surrounding your role, and none surrounding your financial “payment” either, so the success of the partnership depends to some extent on how much the husband values the wife, and to a certain extent, on how much she values herself. And on how open and transparent he (or she*) is about finances and to what extent he allows her to make financial decisions in the home. (*Btw, I am using the terms sahm and he/she but this applies the same if it’s the woman who is the main bread-winner too,)

Finally, saying this very sensitively, as you are on a very stressful IVF pathway atm which I hope is successful for you; I would argue that until you have dc, it is pretty impossible to gauge the level of worry and stress that comes with parenting.

Yes,your dsis has massive advantages: being able to buy in domestic support helps immensely, as does a lovely spacious home, as does being able to be at home and change your plans for the day when dc are ill, during school holidays, or when they need you more emotionally, as does being able to go at a child’s pace, particularly during the early years.

And once they are at primary school, there’s a lot of practical faff that comes with it which is stressful, when you have a WOH job. Ditto teen exams and emotional issues later on.

But even with these massive advantages op, your sister’s life isn’t completely stress-free, because the saying is true, that you are only as happy as your unhappiest child. And the worry when you have dc in today’s world, can be pretty crushing.

But I’ve mainly voted YABU because she is your sister, and if your sister doesn’t have your back, then who does? Of course that applies reciprocally but sticking to your main question in the thread title, I would hope that a sister, would look a bit deeper at the emotion behind her words and complaints , and would take her aside and , yes, remind her gently of her privileges, but also initiate a kind non-judgmental conversation about what is going on with her.

It could be that she senses the slightly judgmental attitude that you, and others, hold towards her current role, and therefore bigs up the difficulty of it, as a means of self-protection, or she really is struggling, but until you really talk to her properly sister to sister, and try to understand where she is coming from, in a non-competitive way, you won’t really know for sure. 💐

She's classed as being economically inactive not unemployed.

Some people are moaners regardless of what position they are in. She is probably one of those.

Yes because they’re not employed ???

Maybe its the fact that she's not working that means she's ruminating and worrying about things.
I actually find at times that work takes my mind off things because I'm having to concentrate on things, engage with people etc.

You will never understand from the outside what people's life's are actually like so it's unfair to judge

I voted YABU because I think you should tell her to STFU.

I suspect her biggest problem is that she has nothing useful to do with her time.

"... it really stings when DSis complains to me and seems to genuinely believe that her life is harder than mine. "

She's your sister. Why are you not just laughing in her face and telling her to pull the other one?

If you've asked her without any results I'd just disengage from it. Don't let it bother you. Some of my friends who have retired claim to be so, so, busy. I just find it mildly irritating - nothing I can do about it really.