Forgot his 50th birthday!!

Hes your pen pal not your boyfriend. You live in different continents and you forgot his birthday. You are a stranger and thinking you can organise a party for him is bonkers. You don’t know him let alone his friends

Oh - I said YABU but honestly how much headspace can a guy you've spent time with twice occupy in your mind? How is this long distance thing working out?

You hardly know the man. Why would you remember his birthday? Don't worry about it, you can't 'make up for' this kind of thing, just see where the relationship goes.

Agree with this. I think it’s one thing to have a long distance relationship with a partner who you were together with for some time before e.g. a job move necessitated distance for a while. This isn’t that: developing a brand new relationship with somebody who you’ll only see for a few days a year is virtually impossible. Long distance is hard. It’s hard even if you’re young and single and a bit footloose. You’re a lone parent with all the commitments that brings. What you’ll ultimately be is penpals who meet up to see each for a few days and have sex a couple of times a year.

I have a longstanding friend with benefits of about a decade who lives in NYC. The reason it’s had longevity is because we were always transparent that it was never going to be a relationship for us: we knew neither of us would ever realistically be able or willing to give up our respective lives in NYC and London, and neither of us wanted the stress of trying treat somebody who was fundamentally peripheral to our lives through their distance as a main character. There’s just too much stuff like this where you can’t beat yourself up for forgetting what’s going on in the other’s life or not “being there for each other”, because you don’t have the history, those natural touch points and that physical and emotional proximity that a normal relationship does. If you’re determined to keep at this, that’s the position you need to acknowledge.

Is he even your boyfriend?

People who have been in an established relationship who then have to move apart for a while are in a long distance relationship.

You do not have a relationship. You’ve met the guy twice. It’s fantasy. You’re not a teenager, you’re an adult with children. Stop living in a make believe story. It’s just a guy you have an online relationship with and will very likely only see a couple of times a year.

It's 6 months and you've only met twice, and also you've been feeling sick about it for three days?!

Be so for real here. This is barely 'friend' category let along 'boyfriend'. Christ alive.

You're not in a relationship if you've only met twice. Get real.

To be fair OP, you hardly know this man! He’s not really your ‘boyfriend’…you’ve met him TWICE and he lives in a different county.

Honestly…don’t beat yourself up about this 🤷‍♀️

Not unreasonable to forget the birthday of someone you have only met twice.

You can plan something nice now if you want to and it would be very unreasonable of him to hold it against you for long given the circumstances.

He’s not your boyfriend. He is a guy you’ve met twice and now you’re both conducting some fantasy relationship over text from the other side of the world. And you’re only going to see each other a few times a year at most so… he isn’t your boyfriend. You’re too old for make believe. Or what? Are you going to leave your kids and move to the US? Is he going to move here?

You’re literally not having a relationship. To have one, one of you needs to move. This isn’t real. You forgot a big milestone birthday, which I’m sure he was talking about, so you’re not even that into him. You’re not a priority to each other because you’re strangers. Grow up a bit.

I find it impossible to remember important dates. The way I manage it is to set up reminders in my digital calendar so that it sends me an email a month in advance asking if I've found a card and present yet for the upcoming birthday. Then a fortnight before reminding me again, especially if the present and card need to be be delivered by post. Then the evening before just as a headsup, and finally on the morning of the day itself reminding me to phone and offer congratulations.

It has removed a lot of unnecessary guilt from my life. To those saying you can't care about him if you failed to remember, how fortunate you are to remain so clear headed and never lose sight of the order of priority. Some of us are naturally more prone to being easily distracted, it doesn't mean we are less affectionate and loving.

Less than 6 months? And he lives abroad? Totally fine to forget.

Send a card and gift and treat him to a nice meal out when you meet.

OP your update changes absolutely everything, but because lots of people don't read them, you may receive a bit of criticism.
Please ignore because there's no way this is terrible given the circumstances.

Well, if he's a lovely man, he'll understand that you've got a lot on, it's the first time his birthday has entered your thought process, he'll accept your apology and you move on. If he turns it into any sort of drama, he's not a lovely man and worth bothering with.

I think you’re beating yourself up unnecessarily into drama to be honest. As much as you want to call him your boyfriend, it’s the birthday of somebody who you really barely know, who is fundamentally peripheral to your actual life. An apology, sure, great, the right thing to do. Nonsense about feeling horrible and not being able to sleep or eat because you didn’t remember and go all out to celebrate the birthday of somebody you’ve met twice is exactly why this relationship isn’t sustainable.

I voted YABU but then read that he lives in the US, you’ve been ‘together’ less than six months and you’ve only met him twice!!!
I don’t think this ‘relationship’ has legs to be honest.

I think it's no big deal. You forgot his birthday because you were busy. If he lived near you, you probably would have been planing something.

I think there's a lot of pettiness on this site about birthdays. It's not like he's your child.

I'm sorry but what on earth are you doing having a relationship with someone who lives in the US?
How to add more stress onto your already stressful life. I couldn't be doing with all that. I think you are making more work for yourself and you really have no way of knowing what he is doing over there when he is not with you.
How can you possibly properly get to know someone over such a distance.

it is bad @SillyMeBusyBe but you clearly know that and you are feeling terrible about it. Without turning it into ‘about you’ I would say something brief to let him know you take it seriously e.g.:

‘I’m truly sorry. I know I’ve got a lot on but there really is no excuse and I want you to know I can’t sleep and have lost my appetite because I feel so terrible for hurting you. Not trying to turn it round to how bad I feel but wanted you to know I understand this is a big deal. I can only apologise’