To not host anymore?

We're the same. We had a 10 year stretch in our 20s/early 30s where we basically had friends or family staying EVERY weekend. That became something more sensible into our late 30s, but when the lockdowns started and we weren't allowed to host any more, we realised how exhausting we'd been finding it.
We now never have friends for dinner. Noone ever reciprocated anyway, so I feel like a mug for all of the shopping, cooking and cleaning we've done over the years.
We now meet friends in a pub/restaurant only.
We try to have as few overnight guests as possible too. We don't live near family, but these days I do an overnight stay at my mums, see my dad (divorced) during the same visit, and then come home - so it takes up one weekend night only. I try to avoid my parents coming to us instead, as they each want to come for a whole weekend, and I feel genuinely ill without sufficient alone time after a week at work.

Of COURSE YANBU.

It never ceases to astonish me how many threads we see on here in which relatives blithely expect one woman to do ALL the skivvying for them.

We always seem to be the hosts. I'm happy to do Christmas but for any other get togethers I've now suggested meeting at a pub for lunch.

It seems to be working OK. It's an OK location for everyone as we're a bit spread out from each other. Everyone pays for their own food and drink within their smaller family unit. We still get to see each other without one person having to do all the work.

I have found though that unless I initiate the suggestion to meet and organise the time and date then no one else will. I'm not sure why but it's not that big a deal. They are all perfectly capable people but somehow it appears to be my role. It's better than hosting though.

People don't appreciate how much effort, planning, time and money goes into hosting. No one is entitled to being hosted. If they're genuinely desperate to see people they should host. I've hosted in tiny one bed apartments because I enjoyed it and wanted to invite people back who'd kindly invited me. I don't buy these 'small home' excuses.

Tell dh there is nothing to stop him hosting his family and you'll happily pick up the jobs he did to "help" you.

Op should book a hotel in this scenario

Ridiculous to imagine you can just carry on. Honestly. They really could not care less about your well being. Stand firm op - you will get inevitable push back but if you can do this for a year or two - people will drop their expectations of you.

you don't need to feel guilty. See how it goes, when the next event comes up your answer to people looking to you to host is "oh sorry, I'm FT now, it's someone else's turn"

Make sure your DH backs you up. If he caves and you, as a couple are hosting: let him do it all. Do not lift a finger.

Don't feel guilty Op, you've got one day off so do something you'd like to do. You've let your Inlaws expect you'll do it every year but your DH will have to tell them No. If he'd helped out more in the past you wouldn't feel so put on, so if he's sad that's he's own fault

You are a saint for having done it for that long. Entitled buggers.

Its up to dh to tell his dp that you have hosted as a family for long enough with no reciprocity, and now everyone is working full time it will be stopping indefinitely.

Book a few days in bed op, and have 4 days off. It is well deserved. Dh is most welcome to drive dc to his family for the day and leave you at home.

Well done OP. You’ve done more than your fair share, it’s very telling that no one else is itching to host, but they’re expecting you to be 🙄

Your husband is choosing to be hurt by his own laziness and inconsideration. Did you point that out to him?

Give his relatives as much regard as they give you.

What does your husband actually say when you talk about this? When he comes to
you and says that he is getting grief from his family and complains that you won’t host, I assume your response is, “You are welcome to arrange it, do the cooking and all the cleaning and organising if you want us to host, or you can sort out a reservation somewhere or go and visit them, this really has nothing to do with me.”

If he complains that he doesn’t want to do the hosting work, then i’m assuming you ask him why he thinks you should?

What does he actually say when this is spelled out to him.

I would do the same if I was in your position. And I wouldn't trust it if DH does offer to host. If he hasn't "helped" in the past, how in the world would he manage to actually host.

We had to make a shift from being the default hosting house for my DH's side of the family. Once his dad died, and our DC were teens, I no longer wanted to host his brother and sister every Christmas, especially as they never help nor bring any contributions. I explained that our lives had moved on too, so we'd either be coming to them or meeting for pre Christmas day lunch at a pub. Funnily enough, neither of them stepped up to host so now we just do Christmas eve pub lunch, and they've had to adjust to that. It takes a while for people to adapt, but stick to your guns.

YANBU to not spend your day off running round after other people. However if you want to keep some family relationships then compromise will need to be made. Plan when you could meet up and suggest a pub or similar. But also do explain to people, don't expect them to guess. 'Hi hoping we can meet at X pub on X or X dates. I'm short of time off with my new working pattern so hoping one of these dates will work for you.' or similar type text.

YANBU.

I’ve just knocked back a request from a family to stay. Last time it was disruptive, they stayed longer than they planned, it cost me a lot more than I wanted. They’re lovely, but it was a no.

I heard a great quote once, ‘preserve my tranquility’. I’m not a tranquil person at all, but I like to give it a try every now and then!

Also, yes to the ‘well you do it then’ brigade.

Hurt is he? Maybe if he’d spent the last many years pitching the fuck in rather than “helping” you wouldn’t have got so tired of it. Cheeky git.

If DH wants to see his parents, he can arrange to do so either by taking them out or by doing absolutely all the hosting with a clear acknowledgement that you will be out of the house in the run up to it and will merely pop in at the meal out of politeness

Sorry to see you are feeling a bit hurt and unloved by your parents and in-laws. You can't change them but you can change your reaction and if you are feeling resentful, then what you need to do is step back from hosting because your parents and in laws will not change

I wouldn't dream of doing it.

You do realise that just because you are a SAHM doesn't mean you are the family lacky?

You sound like a doormat that is probably peri menopausal and is starting to find her backbone.

Go with it.
Don't get into any discussion anout it.

"I did more than my bit for years, I'm done. I won't discuss it further".

As for family that haven't bothered with you or your children?
Are you mad to give them any thought.

YANBU, it's someone else's turn now. Full time work has been a good enough reason up till now for others to duck out of hosting so there's no reason it should be expected of you. "I know that sounds really mean" - it doesn't sound mean in the slightest. Are you a people pleaser?

Agree! Dh is a bit hurt is he? nothing stopping his family hosting everyone is there and him travelling to see them is there?

Definitely YANBU, it's someone else's turn to host or go to a restaurant, beware of the trap of family expecting you to pay of you suggest it though, so make sure that gets knocked on the head from the off!

good for you! Enjoy your well deserved day off

Yanbu