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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not host anymore?

83 replies

MrsBackfire · 10/04/2025 09:56

I’ve recently got a new job which means I now work FT hours. I was a SAHM for a long while, then I went PT (3days) and now I work 35 hours a week. They are often unsociable hours too, including weekends. There are no childcare issues as DC all teens.

In the past DH and I have been expected to do most of the family entertaining at our house including relatives staying over or coming for lunch and us hosting most Easter’s, Christmas etc. I felt obliged since I was a SAHM, and everyone was working or retired, but dropped it back when I was working PT.

Now I’m working FT and I still have to deal with house, kids, chores, and I want some me time. I’m just NOT prepared to “host” any more. I’m not spending my precious time shopping, cooking and cleaning up after extended family, nor am I prepared to drive hours to see them on sometimes my one day off.

I know that sounds really mean, but the back story is that my in-laws have never once helped with our DC and one of my own parents remarried and spent all their time with their DSC and DSGC and doesn’t even know my DC very well.

10% of me feels a bit guilty, and a bit self indulged. DH is a bit hurt (he’s getting grief from his parents about lack of contact with our family) but I feel like I don’t owe anyone anything. I’m very happy to meet in a restaurant or cafe, but I’m not hosting. DH helps, but I end up doing it.

I’m bringing this up now as I said I’m not hosting Easter as E Sunday is the only day off in a big stretch of work days and I’m not spending it cooking.

AIBU? I feel selfish, but this work is all at my expense.

OP posts:
ThisIsMyYearToFindMyself · 10/04/2025 12:55

OriginalUsername2 · 10/04/2025 12:43

May I ask what words you used? I need tips.

Show quote history

I think it was ‘I’m sorry but I can’t facilitate that’ or something similar. I love the ‘no is a sentence’ type of thing, so I thought short, sweet and to the point. No reasons to discuss.

BE FIRM 😁

Original poster
MrsBackfire · 10/04/2025 12:47

Sorry I work so little. 😜

I work 35 hours, quite unsociable ones, have a long commute, got teens studying for GCSE and A’levels so they’ve been released from chores and are working hard. I’ve got to take on most of the cooking and cleaning as DH works very long hours.
I have a time consuming hobby and am on a couple of committees.

My time management is good, I am just not prepared to get stressed out over catering to extended family now that my time is more precious. I do host my DC’s friends and girl/boyfriends and I really enjoy it, but I don’t feel extended family are deserving of my time and effort now.

Not peri. Been there, survived it, now post meno and a different person, a more assertive, no BS version.

OP posts:
OriginalUsername2 · 10/04/2025 12:43

ThisIsMyYearToFindMyself · 10/04/2025 10:23

YANBU.

I’ve just knocked back a request from a family to stay. Last time it was disruptive, they stayed longer than they planned, it cost me a lot more than I wanted. They’re lovely, but it was a no.

I heard a great quote once, ‘preserve my tranquility’. I’m not a tranquil person at all, but I like to give it a try every now and then!

Also, yes to the ‘well you do it then’ brigade.

May I ask what words you used? I need tips.

HappyintheHills · 10/04/2025 12:39

mrsm43s · 10/04/2025 11:46

If you don't want to host, don't host - 100% your choice.

I'm a little flabbergasted, however, that someone working just 35 hours a week, with no childcare responsibilities and no caring responsibilities considers themselves in any way overloaded, or struggles to get "me time". That would be a dream life to many people. Surely most people do far more than this as standard? That's not to say you owe hosting to anyone (you don't), but it might be an idea to actually look at your time management skills as you should have considerable downtime with so few responsibilities and a relatively short working week.

OP has demonstrated time management - in the OP she says I’m bringing this up now as I said I’m not hosting Easter as E Sunday is the only day off in a big stretch of work days
She is giving good notice that on this occasion she is unable to host

Helleborer · 10/04/2025 12:38

What’s stopping DH going on his own, and taking the kids if they want to go?

Member869894 · 10/04/2025 12:36

Good for you! Not unreasonable at all!

SeventeenClovesOfGarlic · 10/04/2025 12:34

@mrsm43s you think 35 hours a week is so little? I do 24hrs a week and I'm childfree 😁

Original poster
MrsBackfire · 10/04/2025 12:34

Thanks for the comments.

Part of the issue is they don’t just come for a couple of hours. It’s either all day, or 2 nights and they don’t lift a finger.

I don’t think I have time management issues. I’m working FT, I’ve got a long commute, I’ve got to shop, cook, clean, do laundry for my own family, walk the dogs and I’ve got a hobby that takes up a lot of time. My life is actually really nice at the moment but I’m not compromising on time with my DC and my hobbies for extended family.

Yes, teens can help but at the moment they are all studying and I’m letting them off with chores as they all have their heads down.

Yes I will travel to theirs if offered, but I’m not using my 1 day off in a long stint of days to go there. It’s not a rest.

OP posts:
Prittt · 10/04/2025 12:34

YANBU - I dropped this particular rope a decade ago. We were always the hosts (or the ones paying for meals out) - definitely became an expectation yet they never questioned their own lack of reciprocation.

I did feel guilty to start with and comments were made. After a year of stopping they took us out for a meal for the first time ever. Bill came and it was clear that they expected DH to just pick up the bill again anyway. He didn't. It also didn't kick-start us into starting up again.

I don't feel guilty now. Now I look back and wonder why I did it in the first place (no, I did it for DC - I wanted them to have time with family and I wanted a family and that seemed to be the price). DH wonders why I did too but at the same time it took him to see how his parents treated his DC to realise that they were just like that (self absorbed) and were never going to change.

Gettingbysomehow · 10/04/2025 12:27

mrsm43s · 10/04/2025 11:46

If you don't want to host, don't host - 100% your choice.

I'm a little flabbergasted, however, that someone working just 35 hours a week, with no childcare responsibilities and no caring responsibilities considers themselves in any way overloaded, or struggles to get "me time". That would be a dream life to many people. Surely most people do far more than this as standard? That's not to say you owe hosting to anyone (you don't), but it might be an idea to actually look at your time management skills as you should have considerable downtime with so few responsibilities and a relatively short working week.

Really???

Gettingbysomehow · 10/04/2025 12:25

I wouldn't feel guilty AT ALL. They've got a nerve expecting you to do all this hosting.

LazyArsedMagician · 10/04/2025 12:14

YANBU and if DH is 'hurt' he can bloody well pull his finger out can't he.

mrsm43s · 10/04/2025 12:07

RobertaFirmino · 10/04/2025 11:52

OP has teenagers who presumably need to be fed, watered, clothed and tidied up after.

Edited
Show quote history

Come on! Teenagers aren't any real work unless they have some kind of special needs! In fact, they should be chipping in with chores and helping out. (I also have two teenagers BTW, work full time, have caring responsibilities for my elderly bedridden mother and still manage to have downtime. Without the caring responsibilities, which are the biggest bind and time sucker, working 40-50 hours a week and having teenagers, I'd be living the life of Riley tbh)

Puzzledandpissedoff · 10/04/2025 12:01

The trouble with "always being the one to do it" is that folk tend to complain when you stop, so maybe it would have been better to avoid getting into that position to start with

That said it's water under the bridge now, and you're certainly not BU; just make sure they know well beforehand and that they're clear you mean it, perhaps with a few questions about if you're all going to meet up and where

Hdjdb42 · 10/04/2025 11:58

I was the same as you, after 10 years of being a sahm I went back to work. I don't host anyone now. Because no one appreciates the hard work! And you need your day off to recharge before you go back to work. Stick to your guns!

RobertaFirmino · 10/04/2025 11:52

mrsm43s · 10/04/2025 11:46

If you don't want to host, don't host - 100% your choice.

I'm a little flabbergasted, however, that someone working just 35 hours a week, with no childcare responsibilities and no caring responsibilities considers themselves in any way overloaded, or struggles to get "me time". That would be a dream life to many people. Surely most people do far more than this as standard? That's not to say you owe hosting to anyone (you don't), but it might be an idea to actually look at your time management skills as you should have considerable downtime with so few responsibilities and a relatively short working week.

OP has teenagers who presumably need to be fed, watered, clothed and tidied up after.

Endofyear · 10/04/2025 11:46

Well done you for laying down your boundaries and doing what's right for you! You've spent years accommodating others so please don't feel bad for wanting a bit of time to yourself. You are just as important as everyone else. If DH wants to facilitate his parents seeing him and your children, he can take them to visit. Enjoy your precious time off 💐

mrsm43s · 10/04/2025 11:46

If you don't want to host, don't host - 100% your choice.

I'm a little flabbergasted, however, that someone working just 35 hours a week, with no childcare responsibilities and no caring responsibilities considers themselves in any way overloaded, or struggles to get "me time". That would be a dream life to many people. Surely most people do far more than this as standard? That's not to say you owe hosting to anyone (you don't), but it might be an idea to actually look at your time management skills as you should have considerable downtime with so few responsibilities and a relatively short working week.

DaisyChain505 · 10/04/2025 11:20

Of course you’re not being unreasonable.

If anyone asks why you’re not hosting be honest and say that you’re back at work full time now and life’s more hectic than it previously was so hosting as often just isn’t something you want to do.

If anyone moans, you say that you’d love to see them still and maybe they could host for once or you could meet up somewhere in public.

ZookeeperSE · 10/04/2025 11:17

Oooh another female socialisation to be kind/feel guilty post in the space of two seconds, 😉. Don’t know why you’re even giving this headspace. You’ve done your bit, enjoy your ‘Me Time’.

Jellyslothbridge · 10/04/2025 11:13

I am totally with you on not hosting anymore. You seem to imply that if one of DH hosted you would also not want to go. I think it would be worth being willing to attend if someone else hosts to a) break pattern of it being you hosting b) maintaining relationships. The good thing is you can turn up and leave when you want contributing only a bottle of something.
If no-one else will host the occasion days then yanbu.

Willandra · 10/04/2025 11:12

YANBU.

If the in-laws are giving your DH grief about lack of contact and he's sad about it, he can do something; take the DC to visit, call them, book a restaraunt, whatever. That's on him.

I'd make a family announcement / invitation:

After many years of our hosting wider family Christmas & Easter events, our situation has changed and we will no longer be continuing that tradition. We look forward to family celebrations that from now on will be held at restaurants, cafes and pubs. We are also more than happy to contribute to any events you may volunteer to host. If you would like to celebrate Easter with us this year, please join us at Place on Date at Time. For details of the menu and payment options, please see the link....

HeyThereDelila · 10/04/2025 11:00

YANBU. I’d ensure family meet ups happen as it’s good for the DC to have relationships with cousins and grandparents, but you don’t have to host.

Pub lunches or picnics at National Trust places are your friend.

Yesterdaywassunny · 10/04/2025 10:55

You are not being unreasonable at all! Time for someone else to step up - you know your DH won't do it all, so another family member gets to joy of hosting them all.

Congrats on asserting yourself, hope you're enjoying being back in the workforce.

TheCurious0range · 10/04/2025 10:50

YANBU to not host but are you also saying you won't travel to them if they host?