To not host anymore?

Why aren't you questioning her DHs time management and why he can't host his own parents? Womens work?

OP, stop picking up for your husband, he's perfectly capable of hosting his own family, they're his parents, they can deal with their son being less than perfect.

I was just working out how to phrase this when I spotted your thread.

I haven't worked properly for two years, two teenagers, no significant health issues just not enough HRT in the prescription.

AIBU never to host again the way I did from say 18 to 50.
I just think I'm through with it. Student parties, 20 something weekends dragging out sofa beds, 30 something with babies, toddlers and guests discovering dietary restrictions. 40something duty visits or not been in touch but we were in your picturesque part of the world.

I think I enjoyed it sometimes, at the time but we rarely return visited them. My in-laws very much see me as an in-law not part of their family. I really feel quite bitter about the effort I put in there.

I liked a sentence in a pp, preserve your tranquility.

Well yes - the level of busy-ness implied didn't match up with the life described. Hence leading me to question it. Either OP was hiding behind "being busy" when that wasn't really the case, or she needed some time management help, which would free up time.

I think it's clear that actually, her time management is fine, and her priorities are fine.

This is just a woman feeling guilty for not putting other people's wants before her own - because she's likely been socialised to feel she should put others first.

I say this as someone who pretty much got to breaking point before I realised that it was OK to put myself first sometimes. I don't need an excuse to say no.

Ok but that wasn’t the point you were making in your initial posts.

It was all about how flabbergasted you were that someone working full time with no kids considers themselves overloaded and how that’s a dream life and so many people do so much more.

Except for OP has confirmed that she has plenty of time to do her own things.

The point is people (well, let's be honest, women) shouldn't have to find reasons and excuses to simply say "No, I don't want to do that". They don't need to pretend it's because they're too busy. They can simply say No. That's OK.

You really have no idea of people’s lives and challenges.

For some people, keeping a clean house, on top of laundry, cooking healthy meals, managing house repairs and everything else takes a lot of energy. We don’t all have the same level of energy.

People also have things like ADHD, autism, iron deficiency.

Please don’t be so quick to judge.

And that is absolutely fine.

It's fine to prioritise you, if that's what you want (and I get why you do given the backstory). But you don't need to justify it to yourself (or anyone else) under the guise of being too busy. You're not too busy, you simply don't want to and you're prioritising you - that's fine and it doesn't need any justification.

You don't owe these people anything and you don't want to do it. You don't need to hide behind being busy to say no. Shake the guilt!

If your DH wants to do it, he can - but you don't want to, so you're not going to. And that is reason enough.

Your DH is hurt that he is no longer going to bask in the glory of having a brilliant wife. Poor him.

It speaks volumes that he doesn’t think of better solutions than just being ‘hurt’. Bit like the rest of his family.

stand firm. You are absolutely doing the right thing xx

"Just wanted to add that my DH is helpful, and does a lot, but hosting is not a strength."

I'm sure that he will get better at it with practice.
If he wants to have guests, he can do the planning and the hosting.

Not selfish at all. Feel no guilt. I realised that my DP’s never bothered hosting at all after we all married. They also never bothered with our birthdays. I now host them only when I am cooking for my own DC. I feel no guilt at all.

definatly stop hosting,unless you really enjoy it..if it's a chore it's time to stop doing it.

Agree! surely after his near 'breakdown' he's been a lot more empathetic and understanding of you declining to host? or has he used the classic user refrain of of saying 'oh but you're brilliant at it, please say you'll host, no one does it as well as you'?

YANBU l vote don’t do it. You are allowed to not always be the host. The questions about time management are quite funny! It’s not her turn to host and she isn’t the hired help. Like you l am declining to host now and it won’t do down well. I work full time, have 2 under 2, lm studying and have recently been diagnosed with an autoimmune condition. I’m allowed to enjoy Christmas and not run myself ragged for other people

Not sure why your husband is putting this “hurt” nonsense on you though. He doesn’t have the stones to do it but wants you to for his family?! Naaa

So let him have a breakdown then. Then he will learn not to make comments like he is ‘hurt’.

YANBU

Yanbu, I’m a sahm and I wouldn’t even do that even though I have capacity! Don’t feel guilty, you are working FT and have young kids and a restaurant sounds a great idea. They can all FO with their expectations of you hosting.

This!

She doesn't have time to host. She works, commutes a long way, has dc yes they're teens but still need support, runs her home and yes she has time for her hobbies, why the heck shouldn't she.
She is owning it saying she doesn't want to do it anymore and doesn't want to give her time to do so. How is that not owning it?

I know that sounds really mean, but the back story is that my in-laws have never once helped with our DC and one of my own parents remarried and spent all their time with their DSC and DSGC and doesn’t even know my DC very well.

Why oh why would you care what such people think? never mind bending over backwards for them?

Ah, I see you've had the menopause @MrsBackfire . I was never much of a people pleaser but the menopause gave me a real change in attitute, a WTF was I thinking spending all my time pleasing other people. You've done your share @MrsBackfire and you have plenty to do as it is

What’s all this about OPs time management?

Even if she had no kids, a chef, a housekeeper, a gardener, didn’t work and had nothing more taxing to do than choose her nail polish colour, she still doesn’t have to cook a meal at Easter for ungrateful relatives if she doesn’t want to.

Time management means not over exerting yourself and building in relaxing time too.

I know that sounds really mean, but the back story is that my in-laws have never once helped with our DC and one of my own parents remarried and spent all their time with their DSC and DSGC and doesn’t even know my DC very well.

I would choose ‘me time’ over this too.

And that must be absolutely lovely!

I'm not saying that everyone should work long hours. I think it's great that you get to do that! In fact I think we should all strive to have more time to do what we want to do.

What I'm saying is that someone without childcare or caring responsibilities, just working a standard 35 hour week has it pretty easy compared to most and therefore either has time management issues or isn't being truthful when they say they're really, really busy and don't get any "me time".

In any case the OP has clarified. She has a hobby that takes up lots of time (so "me time") and has a pretty nice, easy life. So yes, lots and lots of "me time" as one would expect of someone in that situation.

She has time to host, but she simply doesn't want to, as she'd prefer to only do stuff for herself. That's absolutely fine, btw. But it's better to own that decision to prioritise herself, rather than trying to paint it as her being too run down and rushed off her feet to host as if she's somehow the poor put upon one without a moment to herself.