To feel a bit annoyed that my mum doesn't make the same effort with her grandkids as her mum did with me?

YANBU at all for feeling sad at her lack of effort, and I do feel for you. YABU to be comparing her to a totally different person though. Have you tried talking to her about how you feel?

Your mum wasn't the mum you needed , your gran was the warm, cosy and practical person you needed, and your own mum can't replicate that which is a real shame, you need to let it go she is never going to change.

I was brought up similar to you my mum wasn't the grandparent I would have liked for my children it really is what it is sadly.

OP you’ll get people responding that ‘she doesn’t owe you childcare’ and that ‘you sound entitled’. However I happen to agree with you.

If your mother has never worked AND had lots of free childcare to boot, she is probably completely oblivious as to the realities of your life. On paper, it would be great if she wanted to ‘pay it forward’ with her own grandchildren (not to mention spend some time with them!). In my own experience however, it often doesn’t work like that. Instead, it’s like an ‘invisible privilege’ - if you always had it you don’t really appreciate it.

This makes perfect sense and I feel a bit foolish for not having thought of it before.

As children, we were supposed to be seen and not heard. It was a strange thing but, at the same time as being clear that my parents loved me, I was also pretty clear that my mother didn’t like me. There was never a point where I felt she enjoyed my company, or that of my siblings. When I had children, I could tell that my parents liked the idea of grandchildren but didn’t want to spend any real time with my children, certainly not unless I was there to do the parenting.

My siblings and I were sent to my maternal grandparents for a week every year so that my parents could take a holiday abroad without us and although this wasn’t something I actually wanted my parents to do for me, I couldn’t understand how they could be so utterly hands-off with my girls. Now I think you’re absolutely right. If they didn’t derive any pleasure from parenting their own children, why would they volunteer to spend time with mine? It’s not who they ever were.

I suspect I’m going to keep thinking about this and that there’s a fair bit of comfort in that thought. I found my parents’ lack of interest in my children more hurtful than their lack of interest in me. Thank you for this thought.

But you knew what she was like when you decided to have your children why is it a surprise now what has changed?

Sorry to sound harsh op, but I think your mum is allowed to be a different person to your grandmother. I also think you are allowed to feel a bit put out by it! 🌷

The hard truth is, if she wanted to do these things, then she would be making it known that she wants to spend time with the Grandchildren, in her attitude, and deeds. It must be very disappointing for you, but other people cannot be what we want, and may desire them to be. Hopefully for your children, they have other, more engaged family members.

YABU to expect her to have a complete personality transplant just because she’s older. She’s a totally different person to your grandmother, and it’s not reasonable to expect her to recreate that.

If she didn’t like the hands on aspect of parenthood, she’s unlikely to want to throw herself into being a hands on grandmother.

I get that it’s disappointing not to have that kind of support. But she is who she is.

Sorry OP it's completely shit I agree. However if she wasn't a good mother I doubt she has it in her to be a good grandmother. Even if you regret something it doesn't mean that it's easy to change.

YANBU to want this but YABU to think your mum is going to have had a personality transplant.

My mum never worked either until we were teens when she got a p/t shop job. She happily palmed 2 of her kids (one of them me) on her own mother every single school holiday until we left home, when we were sent to stay there, and in between, when her mum visited and stayed with us. She now likes to play the Disney grandparent, where she gets to buy things and come along on days out, but aside from wandering off with the pram she doesn't get stuck in with the kids at all. I once took us to soft play and she sat at a table on her phone the whole time. She lives 4 hours from me so it's not like she sees us all the time, it's a few times a year.

So, in summary, I empathise.

My mum used to help out with my oldest sometimes but I always knew she resented doing it. She even suggested I ask my step kids great grandparents (hubby's exs grandparents!) Before asking her. This all changed when my sister fell out with her and cut her off. All of a sudden she was round every weekend with her husband so did a lot more helping out with the kids.

This.

In my experience the parents who loved being parents also love being active & involved grandparents, my parents say it gives them back the time they loved with young kids. Whereas the parents who didn’t particularly enjoy being parents the first time round aren’t particularly active or involved grandparents, they didn’t enjoy it when they had to do it so don’t want to do it by choice.

What sort of Mother was she to you OP?

Sounds like she doesn't enjoy children and possibly didn't find any joy in motherhood either. Some mothers, after "serving their time", would rather not spend another moment caring for a child. Sad, but there you go.

Better for you to pay someone for a bit of regular childcare so that you can get past any feelings of resentment.

(For what it's worth, my mother never did any childcare for me either.)