To feel a bit annoyed that my mum doesn't make the same effort with her grandkids as her mum did with me?

My parents have only got 2 gc which are my DC
PiL have 7 and did a lot with the other 5 ,mainly due to distance.

I went on holiday (uk) with my parents and dc sometimes DH came along. Nice as my Dad especially took the dc out and about . When they came to visit ( long journey) I was able to spend time with them , relax, cook , and they'd take the dc to the park etc.

Pil were more doing childcare for the other gc I don't know if they ever felt this was too much ?
My parents were older so I had to make sure they didn't overdo it !

If as a parent, your mum was …Detached, cold, uncaring, angry, stressed and kind of lazy …. do you really want her to be taking care of your children ? Leopards don’t change their spots. Your Grandmother probably did a lot with you as a child because she was perfectly aware of her own daughter’s shortcomings.

How old is your mum and how old are your DCs? How many have you got?

I don’t get people having children but then almost expecting that others will be on hand to help them out. Yeah it’s nice for people to offer but you need to factor in how you will manage you kids without assuming others will help.

You are being very unreasonable.

We are not all the same .This has come up before.

Same as my parents. Rubbish grandparents but they also was terrible parents.
when we was little we was always with aunts and uncles and cousins. Nan and granddad would always take us out. My children know of only me and their dad. It’s sad.

YABU to expect that your mum will be the same as her mum. They are different people. Do you always behave identically to your mum?
YANU to ask her to help in various ways so long as you accept that she might refuse.

I'm sorry about your childhood, OP.

YABU to expect her to be a wonderful grandmother when she was a shit mother.

If your mother is unloving and abusive. Why do you want her looking after your child.

I just don't see why she can't see the help she got and do the same for me, and why she doesn't want to maybe make up for everything a bit by treating the grandkids.
But why are you expecting help? She may have mellowed now, but the way she parented you was not affectionate. Clearly she is not child-focussed.
Also, no-one should expect child care, shitty as that may be. And they definitely should be expecting it from a parent - the assumption that they want to look after your children is erroneous - they may well want to live their last few years in the way that they want. Nothing selfish about that

I was shocked at how my parents were when I had my DS!

my Nan was the best, and my parents benefited from her kindness and generosity

think savings accounts, premium bonds, taking us out to get Mum gifts and cards.

my parents did absolutely fuck all of this. And I was eventually totally on my own as split up with DS dad, and they stepped even further back.

im no contact with them now, for this and more

my nan would have been appalled at how they behaved- she’d have been ashamed of her son

She’s never had it hard so has no concept of how hard it is for you. She’s not going to change now is she?

She now likes to play the Disney grandparent, where she gets to buy things and come along on days out, but aside from wandering off with the pram she doesn't get stuck in with the kids at all. I once took us to soft play and she sat at a table on her phone the whole time.

MIL sort of like that down to beng on phone at soft play - she hated being a young mother - but older grandkids have got better she has got with them. When they were babies she treated them like accessories missing all the cues about discomfort - and really enjoys boasting about them to others. As kids have got to be more people in her eyes and needing less support - she generally been a benefit.

She sounds like an awful mum. She may be better than she used to be but she is still totally shit. I think you need to make your peace with the fact that she will never help or support you. I would certainly pull back from her as she won't be a positive influence on your children's lives. If she needs help and support when she is older, show her the same caring energy that she has shown you, i.e. absolutely none.

Its shit and completely understandable you feel bad about it.

My mum had the same as you, her parents just weren't interested in her kids (me and my brothers) at all really. She's the most wonderful warm and loved mum and granny though (and that will be you I'm sure) and definitely happier as far as I can see than my cold miserable grandparents.

@comeandhaveteawithme your mother sounds selfish but she will lose out not building a relationship with her gc.

My MIL was quite a hands off parent as she had the big job and DH spent a lot of time
with gps. However she is very hands on with her gc, they are there now and staying overnight.

Sure, it’s disappointing.

BUT - you know she has no interest in children - let’s face it if you’re not interested in your own dc, someone else’s are definitely not going to do it for you.

you get people so often saying ‘her mum did it so why can’t she’ without doing the thinking to join the dots. She doesn’t want to.

whilst it would be lovely to have her help you, it’s not actually her responsibility AT ALL. You haven’t mentioned your other possible options of their father, their fathers family, paid for childcare (delete as appropriate).

and finally, why would you want someone who is ‘cold, detached, other words’ looking after your dc?

Your gran probably knew her own Dd wasn't the best mum so stepped in for your sake.

Could be worse my Dmum a great GM - days out and childcare - just not for my DC. It was frankly a relief to move away so distance could be balmed. They have given money at times - my parents - which even though not a lot hugely helped us - so not entriely alone but few times have really resented lack of support.

My IL benefited from free family childcare - it was made very clear they wouldn't ever do that for us - even when it would just be coming over a day early. They have been involved DGP - and DC have benefited from having them round.

In your case while I get the disappointment I suspect your DGM was trying to mitigate your mother's lack of enthusiasm for parenting - so expecting her to take an interest in your kids was probably unrealistic.