To feel a bit annoyed that my mum doesn't make the same effort with her grandkids as her mum did with me?

It sounds like she perhaps wasn’t the best mum and pawned her old children off on her own mum when you were young. And now she isn’t a great grandmother because she still can’t be bothered with kids.

Sorry OP not very helpful I know.

My mum has had a lot on her plate for the past 18years she has raised my siblings children, she spends very little time with my children and whilst this does upset me I know there is no malice intended. However she spends a lot of time offering to taking care of my other siblings (works part time) children also, hubby and I both work full time and would love the occasional I’ll take the kids out or babysit for a few hours whilst I WFH however she never asks. I don’t really know if or how to even approach the subject with her, however she is missing out on my 3 children who she very rarely spends time with although lives less than 1/2mile away. I remember how close I was to my own grandma and feel my kids are missing out should I say something? I don’t want to stress her out or upset her but it’s really bothering me that little interest is shown to my kids, she hasn’t seen them at all other than in passing for months

While she might not enjoy spending time with children and doesn't want to be hands on, she's recognised that the childhood you all had was lacking, so I'm surprised she wouldn't at least offer to throw money at you to try and make up for it.
That's very low effort and you say she has plenty of money - why doesn't she pay for the kids to go to a holiday club to give you a break?

Mines the same and it does hurt, you think especially when they were a bit shit at raising you that at least they would try with their grandchildren. Mine has 2 children who now don't speak to her, 4 grandchildren she's never met, the other two she hasn't seen in 7 years now. She has a great relationship with her step grandchildren though. The rest of us have always been out of sight out of mind for her.
You have to accept it eventually so the wound can heal instead of being reopened constantly by her failure to live up to your expectations.

You say she’s never had a job. I think this is the manifestation of the phrase “if you need help, ask a busy person.” If it’s not in someone’s nature to do very much, that is liable to extend to grandmotherly help too.

@comeandhaveteawithme yanbu to want help, but she isn’t going to change, and you’re only making yourself feel more stressed wishing for what ought to or could have been. No gp help on either side here, even at the many times when it was desperately needed. Now they’re old and sick, we go down to see them and the kids mostly watch tv while the adults chat. It won’t change, change your reaction, try and build a better plan for the holidays. Your youngest is 4 so you’re nearly there.

all your achieving here is making yourself feel worse.

Because even as an adult many otherwise very normal people still seek their parent’s approval, consciously or unconsciously. Counterintuitively, the less affection and approval given to you by your parents, the more you will seek it out.

If your parents don’t like you, then who will? Rejecting grandchildren is an extension of this theme.

For some reason people like to stick the boot in with “well they didn't like being your parent, so why expect anything different with your children?” rhetoric instead of “she sounds awful, aren’t your children lucky to have you as a mum who cares about them, it really is her loss that she’s missing out on these years”.

OP - we have a grandparent like this. We live overseas and went for a 3 week holiday staying with her other child. She only came down for the last 3 days of our stay as she’s “needed in her community” as a 70 something perpetual committee joiner. Hasn’t worked since before children but refuses to stop running around like a blue arsed fly because “her community needs her”. She’s not taking meals to the elderly or volunteering at a food bank, her community work seems to mostly comprise annoying local government about stopping any progress whatsoever.

Our child perpetually asks when we’re next visiting the involved grandparents and never mentions the uninvolved one. Her loss.

I completely get it. The amount of help some families get is massive, it’s hard when you don’t. I tell myself how well we’ve done, especially when our children were very young. Be careful though, parents like this often expect a lot in old age! Don’t end up doing too much for her as she’s older.

Bit of a long shot but maybe she’d be more willing if she saw them individually. Would the 12 year old be interested in helping with the allotment maybe? It sounds like she has to learn to enjoy the company of children.

Exactly

This is not a woman I would trust with my children, regardless of her mellowing a bit

You grandmother would have thought like that but your mum doesn’t. It’s sad for you.

Whilst I love my own kids and adore spending time with them, objectively children of those ages as a cohort aren’t remotely interesting to adults.
‘look mummy, there’s a duck, ducks go quack don’t they mummy’ objectively isn’t interesting. (4). ‘My friend Sara has a red dress. That’s my favourite colour.’ (8). Not interesting. ‘And then, she like, was like, oh my god like, totally crushing on Ben, like, and it was so funny.’ Not interesting. We adore our children, because they’re ours, and every word that comes out of their mouths is funny. But, it’s not really. If your mum isn’t emotionally attached because she’s cold, then I could see that it’s not appealing.

just make peace with it. There’s no value to you in not.

Always baffled by how many people who have horrid mothers who they don’t get with who was awful to them as a child… is desperate for said person to be involved with their children.

Detached, cold, uncaring, angry, stressed and kind of lazy.

So why the hell would you be wanting someone like this to have any relationship with your children let alone be in sole care of them?

What was she like as a mother growing up?

what is your relationship like with her usually op?

I'm sorry you're sad. Not a good feeling when a parent disappoints. But I've learnt it's best not to expect, then you're not let down.

Unfortunately, she is who she is.

Maybe she wants to spend time with you as an a independent adult not just you as a Mum ?

Have you discussed your outrage and disappointment with her?

It is a difficult thing to accept about your own parent/s, but some people are not suited to being parents and the result can be mood problems/ mh problems, emotional distress, unhealthy coping mechanisms and generally getting overwhelmed and making poor decisions amongst others. Sometimes as awful as it seems, things improve for them after the kids have fully grown up and they no longer have any responsibility for them. I can imagine why if this was the case they wouldn’t want to go back to caring and being responsible for grandkids. It seems very selfish, and it is, but that’s reality sometimes.
My parents had all sorts of problems that improved once we we all grown up and left home. They divorced which helped a lot. My dad stopped drinking (alcoholic) and my mums mh improved a lot. I was angry for years that this couldn’t have happened when I was young and it would have made my life much better but I gradually came to understand it was being responsible for kids that actually caused a lot of their stress and difficulties in the first place.
Obviously I don’t know if there could be an element of that with your mother but there’s no point in wishing she was completely different. It is what it is. It’s better to work on just accepting that. If she wasn’t good with you when you were a child, she won’t be good with your kids in all likelihood.
My own parents are dying to have my dc on a regular basis but I don’t let them. I remember what they were like with me and I don’t want my kid around them even though they are much more together now. I think they really want a do-over so they can re live the parts of our childhood they did enjoy and make themselves feel better about being such shit parents. There’s no way I’m going to let them use my dc for that and maybe if you were in a similar position you wouldn’t want to either.