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AIBU?

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Original poster

Is it a thing?

30 replies

ForSillyScroller · 10/04/2025 04:52

I cannot sleep and decided to try to put what I feel is happening into words. Is it a thing? Or am I overthinking stuff?

  1. we went shopping I said I wanted a beer and got one. My dh did not want any. coming home he took out shopping put the beer on the table saying: here is your mommys alcohol.
  2. I have to go to the office everyday for the last 2 weeks . its commute to london come back at 6.30/7 thing. Dh complaing that I do it on purpose when I explained everyone including my boss have to go and I cannot say no. He proceeded to add that he will go to the office everyday next week (he doesnt need to) and I have to manage pick ups.
  3. I wanted to talk in the evening I feel pretty down/ worn out/ our dd sleeps with us recently so she is between us. He says dd I love you sweet dreams I say I love you dd I love dh. I hear nothing back and I ask anyone love me ? Say it and dh goes: dont beg for love. he didnt want to talk went to sleep.
  4. I say I have to buy another train ticket he proceeds to talk about me going to the office I say I asked and its two more weeks he laughs it off saying that he does everything and I do nothing. and I could stop working. I say I like my job and I earn almost same as him then he says I spend everything do it doesnt count.
  5. we sit on the sofa dd pinched me hard to move me and sit. She has a phase of pinching and pulling hair/ hitting . I said stop it loudly and moved her away then explained as usual we dont pinch.. dh says I always shout at her and I am not maternal.

these are just last couple of days honestly is it me? What is going on? I am at a loss I feel like he is putting me down? Am I overthinking?

OP posts:
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Here4theWizeOnes · 10/04/2025 15:32

The beer example is very much something my ex would do. Putting you down in front of your child is manipulative and wrong on so many levels. The way he phrased it is nasty also. This type of behaviour wears people down until they're exhausted. Emotional abuse is very confusing. I have heard people say anecdotally that having experienced both physical and emotional abuse the latter is worse.

Loloj · 10/04/2025 07:57

OP the snide remarks, put-downs and withholding love and affection is emotional abuse - let that be 100% clear.

You are questioning yourself and left wondering what on earth you’ve done wrong. His refusal to discuss the issue is part of this. There is nothing you have done wrong here - he is at fault.

He also knows he is upsetting you and continues.

If this is not his usual behaviour then maybe something is going on with him, however that does not excuse his behaviour.

You can not “fix” this on your own.

You need to stand up for yourself - make it very clear to him that you will not put up with his awful attitude and nasty snide remarks. If he has a problem then he needs to have an adult conversation with you about what is bothering him so you can come up with a solution that you are both agreeable to.

The example you gave with the beer is just odd - what is wrong with you having a couple of beers? Again - I think this comment was to cause you confusion. Making you feel you were in the wrong for something completely normal.

greengreyblue · 10/04/2025 07:25

It sounds to me that you are not doing ANYTHING wrong whereas he is trying to be difficult and saying unnecessary things to put you down. Don’t stand for it and don’t try to smooth it over for him. If you pander to him you’re saying you’re in the wrong. He’s an adult and a father and he needs to act like one.

FatLarrysBanned · 10/04/2025 07:20

How is your sex life? If it's on the wane I'd bet my house this is why he's being an arsehole.

SpringIsSpringing25 · 10/04/2025 07:17

Irrespective of anything else do not give up your job!!

If you're going to go to a counsellor, go to one by yourself, no counsellor worthy of the title would see you as a couple.

Original poster
ForSillyScroller · 10/04/2025 07:14

Here4theWizeOnes · 10/04/2025 07:03

He sounds very much like my ex husband, I spent more than a decade trying to reason with him until I realized that he was emotionally abusive and had no interest in changing. This book helped me to see the wood from the trees:
"Why does he do that? Inside the minds of angry and controlling men." Lundy Bancroft. I think it will help you to understand the dynamic. Explaining to him that you don't like his behaviour and it is hurting you won't make any difference with this type of man unfortunately. Sending hugs.

I will find the book.

OP posts:
Here4theWizeOnes · 10/04/2025 07:03

He sounds very much like my ex husband, I spent more than a decade trying to reason with him until I realized that he was emotionally abusive and had no interest in changing. This book helped me to see the wood from the trees:
"Why does he do that? Inside the minds of angry and controlling men." Lundy Bancroft. I think it will help you to understand the dynamic. Explaining to him that you don't like his behaviour and it is hurting you won't make any difference with this type of man unfortunately. Sending hugs.

MyOtherProfile · 10/04/2025 07:00

Therapy is a good idea.

Original poster
ForSillyScroller · 10/04/2025 06:45

Yeahno · 10/04/2025 06:42

He sees that he hurts you. That is what his comments and actions are designed to do. He doesn't care that he hurts you.

might be that as well its hard for me to see it written so openly.

I still love him

OP posts:
Yeahno · 10/04/2025 06:42

He sees that he hurts you. That is what his comments and actions are designed to do. He doesn't care that he hurts you.

Original poster
ForSillyScroller · 10/04/2025 06:34

TheArcher · 10/04/2025 06:26

He sounds like a dick. What a horrible man.

He is also a hard working and good family man. Better father than anyone I know best uncle. Doesnt cheat/ go out with guys/ spend money … likes to spend time together and build things/ make garden beautiful..
😭 always supported me during pregnancy labour and after.

I just dont understand how his behaviour changed : he wasnt like that before.
I might offer a visit to therapist because we cannot really talk , he doesnt see that he hurts me.

OP posts:
TheArcher · 10/04/2025 06:26

He sounds like a dick. What a horrible man.

arcticpandas · 10/04/2025 06:13

He sounds vile. No respect, love, support. I understand that you're sad but you need to get angry and call him out on his behaviour. It's unacceptable and he needs to stop this immediately. I would give him a wake up call telling him straight our that this is not what you want from a relationship. He wouldn't treat a friend like this so why is it ok to treat his wife like shit?

Original poster
ForSillyScroller · 10/04/2025 06:10

Bumblebee413 · 10/04/2025 05:57

OP this is emotional abuse, I’m so sorry. He is withholding affection as a punishment, making you doubt and question yourself and generally being an unsupportive and undermining bastard. He is actively being cruel to you and you deserve so much better. X

Im quite anxious by nature and its very easy for me to feel picked on and unloveable. That is why its good for someone to comment on these situations.

OP posts:
Original poster
ForSillyScroller · 10/04/2025 06:07

TheGamblersGone · 10/04/2025 06:01

Bring in a new rule for you both: no making snide remarks about each other on front of the child. Then when he does it, explain that he shouldn’t do this and if he has something to say, he should say it properly when the child is not present

I will do that.

OP posts:
TheGamblersGone · 10/04/2025 06:01

Bring in a new rule for you both: no making snide remarks about each other on front of the child. Then when he does it, explain that he shouldn’t do this and if he has something to say, he should say it properly when the child is not present

Bumblebee413 · 10/04/2025 05:57

OP this is emotional abuse, I’m so sorry. He is withholding affection as a punishment, making you doubt and question yourself and generally being an unsupportive and undermining bastard. He is actively being cruel to you and you deserve so much better. X

Original poster
ForSillyScroller · 10/04/2025 05:53

Thanks it sounds like a good plan. We do drop offs together. It does seem sometimes as if he thinks Im not womanly enough for him? Last week he called me a Johnson cause of my workwear.

Is it a thing?
OP posts:
Original poster
ForSillyScroller · 10/04/2025 05:47

Usually if he has to pick dd he can go straight to the station and theres not much waiting no longer than 10-15 recently I cannot leave office so it happened he waited longer but he doesnt sit in a car theres fast food chain and sititng walking area.

OP posts:
Timeforsnacks · 10/04/2025 05:47

If he is shutting down your conversations it may need a counsellor to make these conversations happen.
So you get DD packed and prepared every morning, even when you aren't doing the drop off? He doesn't sound like he values you, he sounds like he thinks you owe him, maybe ask how much he actually wants you to do to 'balance the scales' in his eyes. It would be interesting to see what he thinks you owe him.
Sorry to hear you are crying but it might get better if you can get to the bottom of it all

Original poster
ForSillyScroller · 10/04/2025 05:42

It was one beer. I dont drink much and dont go out to drink. Usually with dinner:
a beer sometimes
a glass of wine sat not every week
I enjoy a 0 %beer too sometimes

OP posts:
rwalker · 10/04/2025 05:30

The picking u up sounds a nightmare have to wait for 30 minutes in a car trying to entertain a child after you’ve been at work all day would piss me off you need to find your own way home. The whole pick up must take him at least an hour

what’s the issue around alcohol how much do u drink

Original poster
ForSillyScroller · 10/04/2025 05:27

MaggieBsBoat · 10/04/2025 05:16

He Sounds really unhappy, but this passive aggressive bullshit is unfair and probably uncalled for. We don’t know. But it needs to stop. You are not overthinking this. He shouldn’t be saying these things, especially in front of your daughter. He shouldn be having a proper conversation with you. What is the work load balance like generally? What kind of man is he? Is he liable to feel emasculated by doing household work (tough shit really sir you should be doing your 50%)? You need to have some kind of balance to it. Why is he suggested you pick all of it up and quit work? That smacks of an itsy bitsy bit of sexism to me. And I don’t agree with that nonsense - but family work is still work. It should be shared. If it’s just two weeks he is being a prat.

But in essence imo YANBU, he’s being mean and passive aggressive and it needs to stop. Find out the root cause and see if you can work on it.

Edited

Thanks for responding Im crying and I cannot sleep because I know something is wrong.
I believe you are right he does seem to be unhappy and I believe he is unhappy with me.
Is he out of love? He complained I dont hug him enough but I kissed him and I leaned in and he did nothing.
in essence he is good with chores likes cooking and does everything just as I do etc. When I think about it the problem is he just piles all the small things and blames me for it? Its hard to pin down I tried approaching him and talking but he said Im starting a fight. I dont know how to talk and try to resolve it?

OP posts:
Original poster
ForSillyScroller · 10/04/2025 05:16

Teanbiscuits33 · 10/04/2025 05:08

Sounds as if he’s an abusive piece of shit and you shouldn’t be putting up with it or having your DD think this is normal. No matter what’s going on more generally within your marriage, he’s criticising, undermining and making you feel like shit. Either set some boundaries with him or leave.

Edited

I tried explaining Im anxious about my job and cannot refuse to come to the office( who can do it anyway right?) we were in a car and he just said stop explaining he didnt want to listen..

OP posts:
MaggieBsBoat · 10/04/2025 05:16

He Sounds really unhappy, but this passive aggressive bullshit is unfair and probably uncalled for. We don’t know. But it needs to stop. You are not overthinking this. He shouldn’t be saying these things, especially in front of your daughter. He shouldn be having a proper conversation with you. What is the work load balance like generally? What kind of man is he? Is he liable to feel emasculated by doing household work (tough shit really sir you should be doing your 50%)? You need to have some kind of balance to it. Why is he suggested you pick all of it up and quit work? That smacks of an itsy bitsy bit of sexism to me. And I don’t agree with that nonsense - but family work is still work. It should be shared. If it’s just two weeks he is being a prat.

But in essence imo YANBU, he’s being mean and passive aggressive and it needs to stop. Find out the root cause and see if you can work on it.