Page 5 | Is being polyamorous a real thing?

ThisFluentBiscuit · 2025-04-10T02:09:33+00:00

I would never have thought so. I assume that being "poly" is just a fancy way of saying you want to have your cake and eat it! However, I have this new friend. She says that for her whole marriage, she has been "monogamous plus 1," as she puts it. She has had a small number of long-term partners in addition to her husband, who has had the same. Here's the thing: I assumed it was a bit of a free-for-all and that they were practising consensual non-monogamy. But it seems that they are always "monogamous plus 1" - and here's the kicker - they really seem to love both their spouse and their partner!!!!! I could never focus on more than one person. But do you think that some people really are capable of loving two people? Like, they have so much love they need to love two people?! 🤣 I'm serious though - these two seem to be capable of so much love that they seem to need two people to love! It doesn't seem to be about sex - they both seem committed to both the people in their lives! They don't do foursomes or threesomes or anything. They both think of themselves as having a primary partner (each other, married) and a secondary partner. My mind is blown, but I'm trying not to judge.

Pandimoanymum · 10/04/2025 03:50

I suspect most of us are monogamous, even if the relationships happen not to last a lifetime.
I thought a lot about relationships after husband & I divorced. I thought about how common it is for people to flings and affairs and I decided that we’re probably not meant to be monogamous long term, that’s it’s a societal construct rather than a natural state.
i remember reading The Naked Ape years ago and I remember there being a bit about how humans have evolved to have that excited ‘in love’ stage for about 3 years in order to ensure a couple stays together long enough for a baby to be walking and able to feed itself and in a very broad sense not reliant on both parents as much as when it’s a baby. So that period when the first flush of romance fades and the couple start getting into the ‘comfortable’ stage is because Nature is saying “ hey, Man! Your baby can manage without you now, off you go and mate with that hot cave girl you saw the other day when you were out hunting!” 🤣

SpidersAreShitheads · 10/04/2025 03:49

Every single poly or open relationship that I’ve seen has ended up in tears. There’s been plenty on here too which have gone wrong.

Usually one person wants it more than the other, or jealousy rears its head. Sometimes the balance between the partners is off and that causes tension.

Either way, it never ends well, even if it takes a while before it fully implodes.

You always get people in poly relationships insisting that it’s not like that for them and maybe it isn’t at first….until it is.

I don’t know if you’ve seen the TV series Sister Wives? It’s in its 20th season or so now but it’s well worth watching from the start. Things start off reasonably well and then it just starts to go wrong. It’s like watching a car crash in slow motion. It is riveting.

I have to confess to being fascinated by poly relationships because I find the dynamics intriguing. I always hope that it’s going to work out but ime they either end up splitting, or one partner is desperately unhappy but trying to cling on.

I do believe that we were built for monogamy, just like plenty of other species in the animal kingdom. But modern life doesn’t make that easy, and the availability of sex with other people is another factor.

Original poster

ThisFluentBiscuit · 10/04/2025 03:48

Omg, can you imagine the scope and depth of the material you'd have if you have a bad argument and lose control of your temper?

"Mike ALWAYS makes me come AND he cuddles afterwards, unlike you!" 🙈🙈🙈

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Original poster

ThisFluentBiscuit · 10/04/2025 03:45

Pandimoanymum · 10/04/2025 03:34

Yeah I think I’d be overwhelmed too! I mean, I could imagine loving two partners but how do you cope time-wise?! How do you spend enough time with both of them, because if you love them both equally, you’ll want to be with both of them a lot! Maybe if you all live together it’s much easier 🤣
I dunno though, thinking back to the olden days when I was young and actually in love, there wasn’t room for another partner. I just wanted the one I had, wasn’t interested in finding another at the same time.

Same here! I think most people are similar. There's the time aspect, but also, for me, I don't think I would get to know two people as deeply as I would with just one. I don't think I would notice or appreciate all their quirks and all the little things that make them them, and treasure them, if I was doing it with two people.

I found this excerpt from the link below interesting. If it's accurate, it seems that poly people are wired a bit differently:

"Many people seem to be naturally inclined to need only one person in their life. Such people experience a drive to seek out romantic companionship, but once they have found that romantic companionship, that drive disappears. It’s as if the need to seek out intimacy is switched off; the drive is satisfied, and the person is content to settle down with his or her partner.
For other people, this is not the case. People who are poly by nature experience the same drive to seek out intimacy and romantic relationships, but once such a person has found a partner, openness to new relationships doesn't switch off.
This is what many poly folk mean when they say “Having one lover does not meet all my needs.” It’s not a way of saying that a poly person expects to have every need, no matter how trivial or transient, satisfied at once; rather, it’s a way of saying that the need that is completely satisfied when a monogamous person finds a lover is not satisfied when a polyamorous person finds a partner."

www.morethantwo.com/polyformonogamouspeople.html

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Tbrh · 10/04/2025 03:44

ThisFluentBiscuit · 10/04/2025 03:31

But people who end up having more than one lifetime love usually do serial monogamy, don't they, not being deeply in love and committed to two people at once!

I cannot imagine how confused I would get! 🤣 For me, it's a matter of focus. I feel I can only focus properly on one person at a time.

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Yeah probably, it would be confusing and tiring! But I'm sure it works for some couples, you'd need to have a strong relationship, and great respect and communication

PearTreeBoat · 10/04/2025 03:40

Of course, people can love more than one person at a time. Otherwise, it's saying parents can only truly love their first born and any kids that come along after will never quite measure up?

As a society we have decided the most acceptable "norm" is to have one romantic/sexual partner at a time so when somebody goes against the grain it can seem unusual and hard to understand.

Pandimoanymum · 10/04/2025 03:34

Yeah I think I’d be overwhelmed too! I mean, I could imagine loving two partners but how do you cope time-wise?! How do you spend enough time with both of them, because if you love them both equally, you’ll want to be with both of them a lot! Maybe if you all live together it’s much easier 🤣
I dunno though, thinking back to the olden days when I was young and actually in love, there wasn’t room for another partner. I just wanted the one I had, wasn’t interested in finding another at the same time.

Original poster

ThisFluentBiscuit · 10/04/2025 03:34

Bigcat25 · 10/04/2025 03:30

Poly doesn't necessarily mean loving two people. The outside partner could be more casual. I do know a gay man online who has a third along with his main partner, they are all very serious and love each other, although it may not be super long-term bc of logistical stuff.

If the three are all very serious and love each other, that sounds like the real thing re. ploy. (I just read a couple of quick articles.)

Still can't get my head around it.

I suspect most of us are monogamous, even if the relationships happen not to last a lifetime. Otherwise surely poly would be our default societal set-up, instead of monogamy.

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Original poster

ThisFluentBiscuit · 10/04/2025 03:31

Tbrh · 10/04/2025 03:29

I used to agree with you, but actually I don't know if most people are made to only be with one person for their whole life. I think that's quite rare, so I can see how this would work well for some people.

But people who end up having more than one lifetime love usually do serial monogamy, don't they, not being deeply in love and committed to two people at once!

I cannot imagine how confused I would get! 🤣 For me, it's a matter of focus. I feel I can only focus properly on one person at a time.

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Bigcat25 · 10/04/2025 03:30

Poly doesn't necessarily mean loving two people. The outside partner could be more casual. I do know a gay man online who has a third along with his main partner, they are all very serious and love each other, although it may not be super long-term bc of logistical stuff.

Original poster

ThisFluentBiscuit · 10/04/2025 03:29

Pandimoanymum · 10/04/2025 03:20

Well, I wouldn’t know if they ‘need’ to love two people, but we all know it’s possible to love more than one person at a time. A lot of long-term affairs are probably testament to this. So thinking about it off the top of my head, yes I think it’s entirely possible to love two people equally.
Edited because I thought about it some more! And I think the sort of relationship that your friend has is probably unusual because both she and her husband are ok with each other having an emotional connection with another person, rather than just sexual. A lot of couples who are in traditionally open marriages still want their spouse to be the only one they have the deep emotional connection to, so wouldn’t be comfortable with the type of relationship your friend has.

Edited

Re. your last para - exactly! I think a true poly relationship must be quite rare. Poly, as opposed to affairs or non-consensual monogamy where people have one real partner and the others are about sex.

The rarity is what has my eyes out on stalks!

I wonder what the psychology of being poly is.

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Tbrh · 10/04/2025 03:29

I used to agree with you, but actually I don't know if most people are made to only be with one person for their whole life. I think that's quite rare, so I can see how this would work well for some people.

Original poster

ThisFluentBiscuit · 10/04/2025 03:27

Pandimoanymum · 10/04/2025 03:20

Well, I wouldn’t know if they ‘need’ to love two people, but we all know it’s possible to love more than one person at a time. A lot of long-term affairs are probably testament to this. So thinking about it off the top of my head, yes I think it’s entirely possible to love two people equally.
Edited because I thought about it some more! And I think the sort of relationship that your friend has is probably unusual because both she and her husband are ok with each other having an emotional connection with another person, rather than just sexual. A lot of couples who are in traditionally open marriages still want their spouse to be the only one they have the deep emotional connection to, so wouldn’t be comfortable with the type of relationship your friend has.

Edited

Huh. Yeah, I suppose there's that, re. longterm affairs.

I would feel torn and overwhelmed by more than one serious relationship, I think. I'm just fascinated about this poly thing, because to me, true love is devoting yourself to one person. Maybe poly people don't actually truly love anyone.

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Pandimoanymum · 10/04/2025 03:20

Well, I wouldn’t know if they ‘need’ to love two people, but we all know it’s possible to love more than one person at a time. A lot of long-term affairs are probably testament to this. So thinking about it off the top of my head, yes I think it’s entirely possible to love two people equally.
Edited because I thought about it some more! And I think the sort of relationship that your friend has is probably unusual because both she and her husband are ok with each other having an emotional connection with another person, rather than just sexual. A lot of couples who are in traditionally open marriages still want their spouse to be the only one they have the deep emotional connection to, so wouldn’t be comfortable with the type of relationship your friend has.