Is being polyamorous a real thing?

Garrhh, I was hoping I'd get a badge!! kicks grass

Success of the relationship, not a sign of success in life 😂

I suspect it is more common than most of us think. Just like being lesbian but more so, it is breaking the default that most of us are brought up with, therefore many involved will live in a discreet way.

l think it could work and work well, but because it involves a larger unit, as in more people, l would think the potential for things to go wrong are higher.

It is not something l would totally discount in what appeared to be the right situation, but would approach with hesitation.

Poly is as old as the hills; there are lots of historic examples of married couples with live-in "family friends" who'd sleep with one or both of them. In French society you'd be seen as really odd if you didn't have someone on the side.

Why does any relationship have to be a sign of success? Who cares?

This is why I think that a 10 year poly relationship is no more a sign of success than a 10 year marriage. Loads of people are in relationships that just tick along

Plenty of long-time married people don't really love their spouses 🤷‍♀️

I think more and more young people are moving towards polyamory. Having said that I've not seen what I'd call a successful relationship IRL..but believe it can work. In truth humans would never have been monogamous for their whole lives would they? You can definitely love two people romantically at the same time.

I think it connects to the idea of true love, personally. I don’t believe in true love and think that I could fall in love and have long terms relationships with many people. However, as you say I don’t want to dedicate the time to them.

i prefer to nurture a relationship with myself and also I’m a big fan of platonic love- I thin those friendships can and often are more powerful than romantic love. Finding another romantic partner sounds like loads of effort for someone who has been married 25 years. I put the effort in back then when in had the time and inclination 😂

‘Part of me thinks it's all just a big joke ’

I think it just an acknowledgment that being monogamous with one person long term can be really hard/a bit boring and that sexually attraction to other people can break up an otherwise great relationship. I always know women who are married to men but very much attracted to women, so do have poly/open relationships to satisfy that aspect of their sexuality .

Yes, it’s a thing and I know various people who would say they are, though the structure as it were varies from long-term married with +1, or married but they have an ‘understanding’ to those multiple dating at the same time. The multiple daters are the messier ones and I genuinely don’t know how they have the time or energy to put into that!!

I work with someone who’s poly, she has 2 partners and seems to be very happy. They all know eachother and the other partners are friends, both of them also have other partners aswell. It seems to be a massive part of her persona, a conversation/work day fairly happens without mentioning polyamory. It seems to be a popular way of life for some of the LGBQT+ scene

Honestly I think we missed a trick here as a society - everyone would have been way happier I reckon 😂😂😂

I don’t watch soap operas and I’m not into dramas etc, so Sister Wives was an unusual thing for me to watch. I caught some of it accidentally one night when I was working and it came on in the background, and I was hooked! What’s good is that there are so many seasons so you can watch how the relationships with the family change - from a sociological/psychological perspective, it’s really interesting!

Re your other question on casual affairs versus longer term partners outside the primary relationship…. What always catches my interest is intense emotional attraction. My male (gay) friend is similar to me. Both of us have had flings or relationships where we’ve slept with the person very quickly and it’s always because we’ve been swept up in (unhealthy or inauthentic) intense emotions. We both have ADHD, and I’m also autistic, so maybe that’s a factor.

I’d never cheat on my DP but let’s say circumstances were different, it wouldn’t be casual sex that interested me but that intense excitement you get by being swept off your feet with someone new. It’s all about heightened emotions and that connection that gets me fired up, and it’s the same for my friend too. We have another friend who sleeps with multiple different people every week, but he’s only interested in casual encounters, no interest at all in feeling a connection.

So I guess the reason for having multiple partners rather than just affairs is manifold - there’s an exciting emotional connection, it’s safer, sex is usually better as you get to know each other, it’s easier than constantly finding someone new, and maybe it’s more acceptable too?

I live in a place (outside the UK) that’s known for being sexually adventurous and polyamory has been a growing “lifestyle”. I know a few people who have long term, successful relationships that include more than one partner.

My kids went to school with a kid who had a mum and a dad and “Dad Frank”. I don’t know if they’re still together, but it was at least 6 years while I knew them.

Another guy I’m friends with has a partner he lives with and they have another woman who is their girlfriend (as much the woman’s girlfriend as my friend’s girlfriend). They’ve been together for over a decade.

I worked with a woman who had a series of relationships as the “girlfriend” of male/female couples, though she wasn’t monogamous (duogamous?) with them. She’d been doing that for years and did a fair few other “wild” things too like sex parties and BDSM, but more recently got into a long term monogamous relationship with another woman.

These are the successful relationships I know reasonably well. There are a few more that have lasted a few years and been as good as most of the more conventional relationships I know of but their nest relationships were all 1:1.

But I also know quite a few people (mainly women, but not exclusively) who were basically talked into it by their partners or tried it out because they thought it was trendy and ended up unhappy and feeling cheated on.

I think it’s the sort of thing that’s going to become more popular more people decide not to have children - just because there’s less need to worry about stability. But I think it’s a) much harder to make 3 people work than 2, so unlikely to become very widespread, and b) often just an excuse to sleep around without breaking up with your current partner rather than a way to really build relationships that are going to last.

I have a lovely DP but I as I’ve gotten older I have grown quite weary of the patriarchy and the entitlement of many men - I have joked with my female friends that we should set up a commune and bus the men in and out for sex 😂😂
Yes!! I’m sure if I was still married I’d be up for that! I’d be quite happy to have my own space and just meet up with my other half for dates and when we’ve had enough of each other he can go back to his house and I’d go back to mine! My sister says she’d like to do that with her husband of 40 years as well 🤣

The people I know who practice (or have practiced) polyamory aren't all about sex, definitely not group sex. It's more like having different friendships, just deeper.

A lot of our societal norms of monogamy and lifelong partners is simply because it suits society to tie people into immovable family groups. It's easier to say these parents are responsible for these children and we all know how messy blended families can be. However, most relationship's are not lifelong, few of us settle down with our first love. As divorce becomes easier we don't expect people to stay in unhappy marriages and accept that different partners may offer what we want at different times of life.

Yes, that’s very true! But I think at least some of them in Sister Wives truly believed and wanted polygamy and were disappointed in how things ended. I think it’s been quite a journey for them adjusting to the dynamics of a non-poly relationship!

I haven’t seen Big Love, I might try and track it down.

As someone who’s hit perimenopause and has definitely come to appreciate the life experiences that we as women share, I love the idea of having sister wives and a huge extended family. But sharing the same man would rule it out 😂🤷‍♀️

I have a lovely DP but I as I’ve gotten older I have grown quite weary of the patriarchy and the entitlement of many men - I have joked with my female friends that we should set up a commune and bus the men in and out for sex 😂😂

I’ve been divorced since 2013 so I’ve had plenty of time to think about it all without the emotional fallout of a relationship ending. In a neutral way, I guess. I’ve come to the conclusion that our modern lifestyles and attitudes to marriage puts a lot of expectation on our ability to get all our physical and emotional needs from just one person. It’s a huge ask when we now routinely live into our eighties & nineties and could in theory be with one partner for 60 plus years.
if you go back to the 19th century and even early 20th, it wasn’t uncommon for people to be married at least twice or even 3 times in their adult life. Wives died in childbirth, husbands had accidents, both could die of some horrible illness - nobody really expected to be with one spouse for 60 years.So I think people by and large ARE naturally monogamous, but not to the extent that you’re with one person for your entire adult life.

I have a friend I've known for 20+ years who is polyamorous. She is married to one person but lives in a house with two other adults who are both partners. I get the impression from what they've said that they are in a four way relationship but would never ask for details - we are not that close. They've lived together for more than a decade, and she and her husband have had other long term partners. They seem to have built a very happy family.

I don't think it's the same thing when your religion dictates it to you, because then it's not your choice. I did enjoy the show Big Love! I must admit after having DC I quite liked the idea of having another wife to help ... probably wanting that lifestyle for different reasons!