Is being polyamorous a real thing?

Yes, we really are wired differently.
And after many decades of 'successful' polyamory, I know better than to try to get together with someone who's wired monogamously - as I know it'd end in tears.

I used to feel mystified by polyamory / ENM and in hindsight was a bit judgey.

Recently I’ve found myself dabbling in this world (to my surprise) and what commenced as dipping a toe into single polyamory / swinging as a unicorn seems to be evolving into us forming a throuple. No one is more surprised at myself than me. It’s bizarre to me that it doesn’t seem weird for me and my friend/girlfriend to be texting about our hobby together whilst I’m in bed with her fiance (my BF) with her full knowledge & endorsement. We just all instantly «clicked » and it’s easy and happy and just works. We have spent some time sexually together as a 3 too, and sometimes all sleep in the same bed etc.

I say this as a peri-menopausal divorced mum of two.

Our situation works so well for me, as I 100% don’t want to introduce a partner to my kids and have them expect to move in with us etc. And in any « conventional » relationship set-up that would likely be the ultimate expectation in time (which would not work for me until my kids have left home). In my current set-up I get to have a really lovely BF & GF who also have their own kids and « get it », and we spend time together (when we’re all child free), support each other, I know my BF has my back with things, etc… and yet there’s no expectation of the usual pressures for someone to « meet the kids », co-habit etc - as they’re already in a domestic situation with each other and the others ones’ respective kids.

So far it’s working like a dream, and unexpectedly turning out to be exactly what I was after. 😊 (plus the sex is mind-blowing 🙈)

So much seemingly willful ignorance and judgement on this thread…. Makes me reluctant to get involved but I’ll give it a try. Polyamory is one form of consensual non-monogamy, and is far more focused on multiple relationships, versus sex. It can range from decades long ‘closed’ partnerships, such as three people living together. It can mean a looser more fluid arrangement, with a primary more long term partner, then secondaries who are still relationships, but may be less permanent. Maybe they will last a few years, then move on, or maybe they will prove deeper and become another permanent, just like any boyfriend/girlfriend relationship may dwindle or prosper. Often these secondaries have their own primaries. It can also be very loose, with a simple belief that you don’t need to limit relationships/ partners/ romance atall, leading to a constantly shifting matrix… from my experience this model is more common in young people who may never aspire to be tied down in anyway. It is still not about fucking though, it is often about romance, caring, fluidity and freedom.

No, ‘love’ is not the same as ‘fuck’ for polyamorists. consensual monogamy is a larger umbrella term that can also include much looser ‘multi-fucking’ scenarios like swinging or being on the ‘lifestyle’. These groups tend to hold three core values in sync with polyamorists: that sexual activity does not need to be exclusive, and relationships can be just as wonderful or more without this sexual exclusivity. And that honesty is deeply important, and that by leading unconventional lives in these ways, they are able and committed to being more honest with their partners and indeed with themselves than many monogamous couples are able to be. The equivalence many monogamous people draw between polyamory/ consensual non monogamy and affairs or cheating is total anathema to them. They are polar opposites. Third, bisexuality, particularly among women, tends to be much more accepted, as sexual and romantic love is seen as less boundaried, the natural conclusion is you can relate to both sexes in that way.

However, otherwise the groups are very different. Swingers/ lifestyles are often quite wary of deep, romantic connections beyond their relationships. They may be very good friends with ‘play partners’ and are often part of warm. Genuine communities of people who approach sex in similar ways, but they start getting uneasy if romantic feelings start arising. In fact, there is mostly a pride that they have decoupled sex from expectations of romance and high emotion, and thus liberated themselves to enjoy the diversity of play partners and sexual activity that makes their sexual lives very satisfying. One of their core beliefs would often be ‘sex is a joyous, physically and even spiritually satisfying part of life, and it need not be bound down to traditional societal rules.’ There is often quite high level of sexual experimentalism…. But it is not a boundary-free zone for couples. Indeed often deep romantic connection becomes the new boundary - ie yes, you can fuck anyone, and explore all kinds of different sexual connections, but my partner’s romantic feelings are all for me… that’s what makes us the relationship’.

Polyamorists, by contrast, often steer clear of ‘sex means nothing’ scenarios. They may well be totally uninterested in sex clubs, orgies, day to day swapping of partners, bdsm, kinks etc They are building and maintaining relationships full of love and commitment. Just breaking beyond the norm by doing it with possibly more than one person at a time. Yes, it can be complicated and take great effort - not only to invest in two or three romantic connections, but also to cope with the judgement of others, and thinking and communicating really carefully to redefine boundaries, understand needs and make things work without the comfort of a well-worn playbook or societal affirmation. Often, Polyamorists are extremely mature, thoughtful and very evolved in their thinking and communication of needs, boundaries etc…. Basically, if you think it takes skill to maintain one relationship, imagine the skill it takes to manage multiples.

It’s obviously very complex and there are literally thousands of different models, many overlapping across the entire space. But it’s not all a joke for monogamists to judge and deride. Yes we love just as deeply. And generally we work much harder to ask ourselves what is truly right for us and others, what is ethical, how best to communicate, how best to build human connection, to protect ourselves and our loved ones, and have fulfilled, rich lives, because we are doing it with a far less defined playbook, and without the approval of others.

No shit! But I didn’t want another man. I wanted a woman. Being a committed poly means taking everyone’s needs into consideration.

Doubt your husband would be so accepting if your partner was another man.,

Try reading my post again. I say of course there is lust, which is what R&J is about. The one true love forever thing is bollocks and new, marriage was about inheritance and property, evolutionary biology drives intense bonding to get infants through their first few precarious years, but the one person who is my match and can’t love anyone else stuff the OP is judging polyamory about is not real.

@ThisFluentBiscuit this description of poly doesn’t differentiate from those whose drive to seek out new partners doesn’t switch off when they have one partner who doesn’t know they are seeking others (v’s a primary partner who consents to others). So from reading this, it seems that people cheat for same reason that people are poly (that their drive to seek out partners isn’t satisfied by having just one). The difference being poly is seen as ethical. Perhaps the degree to which people seek out additional partners is partly dependent on the degree to which the initial partner has the capacity to meet their partners needs. So the more needs that are met within the primary relationship, the less likely they are to seek more partners and vice versa.

We do. We all live together. We all share finances together. It’s like a normal relationship only there’s 3 of us instead of 2

It’s all 3 of us together

How does she feel about being the only one not married to someone else in the group? Do you all live together?

It’s all 3 of us together

I’ve been in a long term poly relationship with my husband and my female partner for 9 years now.

Does your husband have a second relationship, or share your relationship with your girlfriend?

I’ve been in a long term poly relationship with my husband and my female partner for 9 years now.

It works for us. A lot of people don’t understand it, and I don’t care. It’s not their life. It’s mine. My children adore their second mother. As part of his “identity” (a project for school), ds happily said he has two mothers and a father.

But doesn’t your point about mistresses prove the point that for many - long partnering was about the best match not love as the primary purpose. Even among poorer people it was finding a suitable spouse and achieving the expected milestone of marriage.

Probably why marriages / long term partnering had fallen now as people prioritise finding love over suitability / practicality.

I don’t think anyone is buying this rebrand 🤣 If polyamory was in the least bit acceptable mumsnet would be be full of women excited to find their husbands were having affairs because maybe they’d also like the other woman and could get extra help with the school run

No, just an easy way to have your cake and eat it

I can't find the documentary now, but I saw one on youtube where a chubby, clearly insecure young woman was trying to portray her situation was wonderful - husband had introduced another woman, a very slim, confident and attractive one. You could tell that husband and woman number 2 were more into each other, chubby woman clearly thought it was that or lose him altogether, and was insanely flattered that slim woman was also her "sweetie" (which I suspected was a token keep-her-happy thing).

It looked miserable and she's probably been dumped by now.

The Louis Theroux documentenary looked just as miserable - one person living their best lives, with their boring security at home looking tearful but desperately saying how seeing their spouse happy just makes them happy, while said spouse swans off to shag the exciting new person.

@WrylyAmused

Sorry, where did I claim Romeo and Juliet was a model golden story? I said it was a story of that shows romantic love existed between people. In fact your own interpretation of that story is that romantic love was recognised as existing at the time and social structures were put in place amongst the wealthy to remove its impact and power in marriage choices.

I am very well aware of why Kings and powerful men had mistresses whereas women were not allowed them. I've studied Tudor history, thanks. Though its pretty obvious to anyone who thinks about it for more than five minutes really,. And yet romantic love persisted between people, as I said above. Rich people may not have married for love but that does no mean they did not experience romantic love when they had the opportunity.

And as you acknowledge, yes it did come up in literature, and that's because it existed and people recognised it.

It never ceases to amaze that people seem to think that people in the past were not people like us, with our evolved emotions, but were somehow different with different emotions.

The claim I responded to was not that love has always existed but people married for practical reasons, but that romantic love is a social construct 100 years old and lust is timeless.

Royalty and aristocrats were married to build alliances between families and countries ( or, in the case of James 1st of England, because the King fancied a nice party so ordered young courtiers to marry), but poorer people have always had more freedom to marry for love if they could find it. Even amongst the Royalty and aristocrats there is clear written evidence of there being love between Kings and Mistresses, and aristocrats and mistresses. I have even read one touching case of an aristocratic woman having a long term affair with her children's much younger male tutor, with written expressions of love from between them both into her old age.

There has always been romantic love between couples. This idea that romantic love is about 100 years old ( and I have heard that claim elsewhere too) is absolute nonsense.

Romeo and Juliette is also about a 13yo girl and 15yo boy, so it's hardly a role model story for a bunch of reasons.

It was not a "golden story" about romantic love when it was written - everyone ends up dead because of their obsessive love and inability to consider anything else!!
In the social context of the time, it was far more about the dangers of obsessive love and lust, unrestricted by social conventions and family input. We have romanticised it over the years to something it never was.

Arranged marriages for property and alliance reasons (not love!) were the norm in most societies for most of history. And the pair bonds were for similar reasons - pre DNA tests, you wanted to be sure that your wife's children were also biologically yours, so in a pre contraceptive and pre DNA society that meant you had to restrict who people (women!) slept with to have confidence in bloodlines for the purposes of inheritance.

This is also why it was normal and accepted in much of history for men to have mistresses and as long as they paid for them, and any resulting children, it was not much of an issue because it didn't affect bloodlines and inheritance.

We over-emphasize and romanticise the importance of romantic love in the past - it really wasn't a significant factor, and yes, it came up in poetry and novels, but largely didn't reflect people's day to day life in many ways. Chivalrous love, for example, from the medieval period, was never focused on one's spouse...
Plus with the number of women dying in childbirth, multiple sequential wives was often a reality.

There are actually also quite a number of societies that don't/didn't practice pair bonding - mostly nomadic ones where property/inheritance was not the major issue it was in other societies. And these were largely stamped out when the Christian missionaries came, because they didn't approve and believed there was only one "godly" way to do relationships .

But interesting as all these points are, they're kind of irrelevant.

Some people want to organise their lives in certain ways. As long as people find other people who want the same, and are honest, open and respectful about it, then it's really none of anyone else's business. We each have our own experience of "love". It's not for anyone to dictate what anyone else's experience of that is or should be.

You want monogamy - fantastic, I wish you every happiness in that. You want polyamory - great, I wish you just as much joy. You want to fuck about with lots of people - as long as everyone has fully informed consent and happily agrees to it, also great.

Generally, no-one in the minority groups is trying to make people live in a way they don't want. Whether that's being vegan, religious, poly, childfree, gay, or a million other life options. So if you're part of the majority, please extend the same courtesy and try to avoid making derogatory comments about things you don't personally understand or want to do.

Maybe what they say is how they feel. We don’t have to understand it.

It’s like asking if people who say they don’t want children are pretending or people who don’t like spices.

Also polyamorous means so many things to so many people. It’s not for me but it can work for those who are poly. Monogamy, even now globally is not standard everywhere (and in many cultures it’s not expected for men, and not always followed by wealthy men.)

I think also they must feel jealousy differently but that’s the same for many people. For example people have multiple different views on whether men and women can be friends.

The successful poly relationships I know of... yeah I'd say they're wired up a bit differently. Lacking jealousy on the whole, not feeling excluded or left out at any point. All people who are very secure, confident in themselves, no narc/control/lying arseholes etc!

Also the poly relationships I know who are stable, sensible, long term - all people in their 50s/60s +. Mature adults with plenty of life experience.

I also know and have personal experiences of poly relationships in my late teens, early 20s and it was fun but theres a fuck of a lot of jealousy and insecurity, fucking around and upsetting each other. But thats young adults for you I think.

I certainly learned a lot about myself, as did my partner and we've been together now 20 years, but are now monogamous (on the whole because it is far too much effort to add other people into our lives, we simply haven't the time!).

I met someone who told me how successful this arrangement was for her..then next time I met her she was getting divorced.