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Original poster

Hen Do From Hell... Is It Worth Trying to Fix?

418 replies

ohwhatisinaname · 09/04/2025 23:12

I just spent 3 days in the most bizarre, uncomfortable hen do I've ever experienced, to the point I moved my flight up by a day to get home early. I can't tell if I was in the wrong for leaving, or if the bride was wrong for being generally awful to everyone .

For context, 9 of us on the trip, age 35-40, half were exhausted mums, one pregnant with twins. It was in a foreign country, bride wanted an all inclusive resort, there were 3 last minute no shows, one was the bride's sister/MOH who had recently had a miscarriage, though I now wonder if she also didn't want to deal with the bride's attitude as she has likely been getting the worst of it at home. One of the people who bailed was a close friend of mine, who was in a bad work situation, I ended up covering her cost so that the others didn't have to. So all in, this 3 day trip cost me at least 2.5 grand just on the flights and hotel.

Issues:

  • The bride picked the hotel, but hated it, kept complaining about it, the food, the drinks, the setup, the beach wasn't clean enough, there weren't enough deck chairs etc.
  • There were too many rooms and not enough people due to the last minute changes. Several of us were alone, so once ready would go see others and have a drink or just catch up while waiting. It was all on a group message "come to my room if ready and we can go from there to dinner" type things, but the bride didn't like people comingling without her. Once a group was 5 minutes late to an organised pre-cocktail dinner and we were all called out for our behaviour and lack of consideration. The dinner didn't start for at least another 45 minutes, so there was no harm. Towards the end of the trip we were told to stop using the group message as the bride was getting upset that people were talking re. plans (when to meet, where to meet etc) and she felt excluded.
  • The bride repeatedly had arguments, of her own instigation with almost (if not all) of the hen do attendees. She picked at everyone for all of their wrongs. She kept saying that people had come for a holiday, not for her hen do. That people had their own agendas, that they weren't paying her enough attention, they weren't good friends etc. It was a weird verbal lashing each day of wrongs. It was like she wanted people to plead for her friendship, when we were all there to celebrate her.
  • There was a boat ride that three of the group including myself did not go on due to a mix of sea sickness/pumping for baby at home. It was extremely windy, and I for one am violently seasick. The bride said that this was ok, then changed her tune later, and decided that I was persona non grata for not going. I did still pay for the trip without question, just didn't get on the boat.
  • The boat ride party met a stag do out there and made friends (mostly married guys not looking for anything, though one or two moderate creepy ones), I think the bride didn't like that some of the guys were into some of her friends, but not her (also not me, but I think she took it personally due to some weight gain insecurities).
  • The guys had a table at a club later which some girls wanted to go to as the bride wanted to go out and she hadn't planned anything properly. I hate clubs, but the bride back in the day was on all of the drugs and into the rave scene, so some of the girls are still into that vibe (to be clear, this is not me at all, though to each their own). The bride had an argument with her oldest BFF at the club, went to the toilet with me and then fled into the night, drunk, by herself at 2am in a foreign country. As soon as we realised she wasn't in the toilet we tried to find her, one of the girls did get her and walked her home. I offered to leave, and have it in writing in messages, but I was instructed to stay with one girl who didn't bring out a phone and another who was drunk and high, basically as a responsible adult. The next day I went to breakfast and was given the silent treatment from the bride for not coming home immediately with her, when she explicitly told me not to.
  • I then felt horrible about the atmosphere, and having to spend a full day at a beach club proclaiming how sorry I was or fighting my corner on not doing anything wrong. My anxiety got out of control, I text the bride that I was going to head home and that I loved her and hoped that she had the best trip, but I didn't want a blow up and to ruin our friendship. She read it and never responded, so I left.

The things that I/the others could be at fault for:

  • People dropping out last minute (3 including the MOH)
  • There was no bride type activities. No bring lingerie or a quirky gift for fun, no bride games, no sash, no drinking games. I think that she was really hurt by this. I am not a bridesmaid though, so I don't think this was my place to plan. But this could bring merit to her "people on holiday not my hen do" comment.
  • No one posted any photos of the weekend, though I suspect now it might be at the request of the bride as she has gained a little weight and isn't happy about it.
  • We didn't all time our breakfasts, lunches etc to be together at the hotel, though the hotel was ridgid that only 6 people could sit at a table so we would be separated anyway.
  • The hotel messed up the dinner reservations on the first day/the party didn't check, so we went to a crappy place in the all inclusive and couldn't start till 9pm. We had all been up for flights since 4 so we just went to bed right after instead of staying out.
  • Some of the brides friends definitely arranged the second group hangout with the stag do party. She didn't like this at all.
  • I'm definitely at fault for leaving early. It's been 3 days and i've not heard a peep from the bride.

The question is, is there any coming back from this? Should I even try? We have a 15 year friendship, which isn't super close now as we live far apart. Should I just bite the bullet and cancel my flights to/from the wedding? Thats about another 2 grand and its 2 days before a trip I have half way across the world. She is stubborn. She in the past has been a very good friend to me when we lived in the same place. I am hoping that she has gone bridezilla and this is temporary, but what if it's not? I worry if I miss the wedding then our friendship is done, or maybe in a month i'll just not get the official invite and it will be done for me, but I have flights already, young children and it would be good to know one way or another.

OP posts:
mathanxiety · 10/04/2025 17:26

Blondeshavemorefun · 10/04/2025 09:24

It’s April now @ohwhatisinaname

wedding in June

invites would be def sent by now surely for numbers for food /hotels etx

Show quote history

No, not in the US. Invitations are sent 6 weeks before the wedding at the earliest. The save the date cards are sent well in advance so people can decide what they're going to do when the invitation finally arrives.

Also, the £2000 - £3000 for a hen do is par for the course if it involves travel and decent accommodation, even within the US, and travel for the wedding would also set you back $$$$, depending on where the wedding was and how far you had to travel. Hence the rehearsal dinner the night before where out of town guests and the close IL families get fed and watered by the couple.

One of my DDs has been a bridesmaid several times and calculates she's spent the equivalent of a down payment on a condo on travel, clothes, shoes, and accommodation for hens and weddings. If she ever gets married herself it will be a city hall do with a meal at a pizza joint afterwards.

mathanxiety · 10/04/2025 17:04

ohwhatisinaname · 09/04/2025 23:41

@RatedDoingMagic I think you hit the nail on the head. We all got subjected to the blame game of not being the best friend that could ever exist, when it was likely targetted at her sister. If I even get invited still, if I don't go then the frienship is done, and if I do and it is shitty I am seriously out of pocket, and i'm going solo as my DH has to stay home and its a 6 hour flight away. Lord, i'd rather give that money to charity than turn up and get the attitude I think I would get. She's also definitely spun a story to the remaining bride party (though some know the truth). I'm still in the group chat, and one just sent a snarky story about "girls not having the back of other girls" and maybe it wasn't targetted at me, but it definitely feels like it. I want to leave the group chat without it being obvious so need to figure that out.

The friendship is not worth it.

Tell her to redo her invitation list on the off chance you're still on it or ever were on it. Don't say why.

Wish her a long and happy marriage.

Her fiance has his work cut out for him.

burnoutbabe · 10/04/2025 16:51

I just can’t imagine leaving early? How is that possible unless you have flexible flights? At worse you’d have a tactical headache to avoid the last night out?

ohnowwhatcanitbe · 10/04/2025 16:33

Wild horses would not drag me to her wedding now.

Catlord · 10/04/2025 16:18

Cherrysoup · 10/04/2025 13:14

I don't care if she lives next door! Asking people who then feel obliged to attend is pretty outrageous given the cost OP quoted. NYC to Mexico isn't round the corner.

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She didn't force anyone , they weren't obliged at all. It was a lot but they didn't have to go. It was shitty that so many pulled out then the whole thing disintegrated into hanging around with the first blokes to show an interest (not saying the OP).

HelloSunshine346 · 10/04/2025 16:01

@chaosmaker no, someone who lives in this part of the world and knows that Mexico is a pretty standard hen do destination. I've also been to quite a few of these and the description by the OP does sound off and like everyone was just a bit rubbish.

Personally, I didn't have a hen do as I was older and couldn't be arsed with the whole thing or a big wedding but if you agree to go, the whole point is to make an effort for the bride. I have been to a couple in my pre-baby days and even though I wasn't a bridesmaid, I knew full well why I was there and made a real effort with my friends. How much money and effort it takes is on you to decide whether it's worth it.

You really can't blame the bride for you choosing to spend 5k on the hen and wedding. If you can afford it and want to go, you go. If you can't, you don't go. But don't be a wimp, agree to go, make little effort while there and then resent it. It's childish.

chaosmaker · 10/04/2025 15:51

@HelloSunshine346 the bride, I presume.

WhyCantIGetItTogether · 10/04/2025 15:12

Divebar2021 · 10/04/2025 00:23

Are you flying to the US for the wedding from the U.K.? Cancel the flights and tell her you were sadly detained in an immigration centre and then deported. Come up with a good sad face 😞 ( you sound considerably nicer than me OP and you clearly don’t deserve this BS)

This is funny but entirely plausible. Don’t know whether to 🤣 or 😥.

jellyfishperiwinkle · 10/04/2025 14:22

Tooshytoshine · 10/04/2025 13:56

I would absolutely swerve this one.

I would send her a message to clear the air and allow her an out/ plant the seed that I may politely decline.

"Hi bridezilla, hope you enjoyed the rest of the trip. It was good to see you but I was definitely missing home by the end - guess clubbing is not really my thing. Just thinking about the wedding and trying to get the dates to work with flights/ work etc as we have a family trip to planned too. Am doing everything I can to move things around and sort childcare etc - adulthood is hard! Be really wonderful to catch up properly soon"

Much too polite.

"After your fucking shitty bridezilla behaviour and making a very expensive and much needed break pretty shit for all concerned I have decided to cut my losses and will not be spending a further penny on your wedding, saving me about three grand in the process. Have a nice life."

jellyfishperiwinkle · 10/04/2025 14:19

Definitely cut your losses and don't bother with the wedding.

You could write a book about it but the bride is murdered- who did it? There are so many candidates.

Tooshytoshine · 10/04/2025 13:56

I would absolutely swerve this one.

I would send her a message to clear the air and allow her an out/ plant the seed that I may politely decline.

"Hi bridezilla, hope you enjoyed the rest of the trip. It was good to see you but I was definitely missing home by the end - guess clubbing is not really my thing. Just thinking about the wedding and trying to get the dates to work with flights/ work etc as we have a family trip to planned too. Am doing everything I can to move things around and sort childcare etc - adulthood is hard! Be really wonderful to catch up properly soon"

Annonymiss123 · 10/04/2025 13:52

BadLad · 09/04/2025 23:42

I’d probably just never bother contacting her again if I were you. Just be glad you’re not the one marrying this utter pain in the arse.

This was my first thought! I pity her future DH!!

Stravaig · 10/04/2025 13:47

Marriage for Bridezillas

Humans have evolved over millenia to pay attention to what is new and changing in our environment.

If you want to be the centre of attention, if you want your upcoming marriage to be the novelty everyone else is focusing on, then host your bridal shower in the local cafe or pub or park or community hall or similar backdrop we have all been to many times before. Then you and your exciting news will have our rapt attention. For an hour or so. We'll ask about your frock, give some bawdy advice, toast your marriage, wish you well. Job done.

If you want to pretend to be so super special that we must all go on a multi-day expedition to an exotic location, just to celebrate you, so your socials look good, then we are all going to pay attention to what is new and interesting in our surroundings, and that will not be you. This will be normal, natural, highly-evolved behaviour on our part.

Choose, plan accordingly, and accept the inevitable outcome with grace.

If your life is ruined by the lack of a polyester sash or balloon penis then you are not mature enough to be getting married anyway.

NachoChip · 10/04/2025 13:27

I wonder what the Bride's point of view is. If you've been friends with her for 15 years, presumably she must be a relatively decent person. She's asked a lot and it sounds like she hasn't handled things well, but there doesn't sound like there's much evidence of anyone being there for her, celebrating her or talking her down, so she's probably getting emotional, wound up and flipping out. There's so much pressure on weddings, hen do's etc and she probably feels a bit insecure that her closest friends and family members have dropped out, left her out then would rather make arrangements with a bunch of strangers than hang out with her on her own hen do. Yes everyone has spent a lot of money, but exhausted mums potentially taking the opportunity for a break with their mates rather than for her specifically? Fair enough but still. Sounds like she didn't have a great time herself.

It's so sad how quickly people would encourage you to drop out of her wedding and end the friendship over a single event, ignoring the 15 years of friendship. God forbid any of us can have a second chance. Yes she sounds like she behaved poorly, was everyone else perfect in this scenario or just wound her up more by their own behaviour? Sounds like she's come out fighting to deal with her hurt to me.

diddl · 10/04/2025 13:17

Asking people who then feel obliged to attend is pretty outrageous

But why do people feel obliged?

diddl · 10/04/2025 13:16

This sort of thing will keep happening until "hens" learn to say no tbh.

I wouldn't even have entertained it let alone pay for a no show!

I do feel a bit for the bride tbh.

Although once her sister stepped down perhaps she should have taken the reins herself to make sure that what she wanted was organised

Cherrysoup · 10/04/2025 13:14

Catlord · 10/04/2025 12:20

She didn't to be fair. The bride and most of the other guests are from New York or thereabouts. Mexico would have been a lot cheaper for them plus the OPs costs included covering another friend's cancellation.

Show quote history

I don't care if she lives next door! Asking people who then feel obliged to attend is pretty outrageous given the cost OP quoted. NYC to Mexico isn't round the corner.

JustGotToKeepOnKeepingOn · 10/04/2025 13:08

Just cancel the flights and concentrate on your own family. It all sounds ridiculous. If asked, just say that you used your ‘wedding flights money’ to cover the costs of woman who didn’t go to Hen do.

Stravaig · 10/04/2025 13:04

I don't understand this style of female friendships.

None of these women sound like real friends to me. Maybe the one who cancelled for work reasons, given you covered her costs; but then there's something a bit off-kilter with those boundaries too.

I would reflect on who you have a genuine, present-day, heartfelt connection with, and who not, and prune your social circles accordingly. No need to attend the wedding of someone you've outgrown who treats you and everyone else appallingly.

Besides, she's missing the deeper meanings of relationship, engagement, and wedding, so the marriage will be over soon anyway, hopefully before any children arrive.

HelloSunshine346 · 10/04/2025 12:58

Mexico is a very typical destination if she lives in the US. There is nothing unreasonable about that and the fact that you're from the UK and chose to go all that way is on you.

Choosing to pay for your friend is also on you.

Having a WhatsApp group without her while on the trip is crap.

Not organizing the usual bridal stuff is also crap. The club, etc also crap.

Leaving early from a 3 day holiday? Terrible of you.

I think she probably realized she doesn't really have any good friends who gave a shit and took it out on all of you.

She behaved badly but her group of friends is shit too. I don't think she deserves to be roasted so harshly.

If you can't even give her a call to talk through all of it, you're not really friends anyway.

WildJadeWasp · 10/04/2025 12:34

Fuck that, yanbu. Go home and block her.

CruCru · 10/04/2025 12:29

MissScarletInTheBallroom · 10/04/2025 08:40

If the bride is based in the US then it's probably the equivalent of going on a hen to do Paris or Barcelona if you live in the UK.

The OP should have said, "Sorry, I can't make it!" though.

Show quote history

I was going to say something like this. Realistically, even if the hen do was where the bride lived, the OP would have been doing a long haul flight.

It sounds as though this is a massive, elaborate US wedding. It may be that flying to Mexico really was considered a “normal” bachelorette - it’s probably no more than going to Nashville. Having said that, it sounds as though the bride and her friends are getting too old for a traditional bachelorette party - once half are pregnant or are parents then this stuff isn’t so fun.

If going to the wedding will cost another £2k, does that include the wedding present? Do they expect a large cash gift?

It’s up to you whether you go to the wedding. You may see it as an investment in an old friendship … but be prepared for the friendship to die regardless. If you don’t go, chalk up the £2.5k as the price of an interesting story about a disastrous hen do.

I would find spending £5k on someone’s bachelorette and wedding heartbreaking.

LochKatrine · 10/04/2025 12:28

A couple of threads recently where people have received an invitation for the wedding ceremony, not the reception , and then the evening do!
So yes, there are a lot of cf people around.

RhiWrites · 10/04/2025 12:28

ohwhatisinaname · 09/04/2025 23:45

I am fortunate now that I make enough with budgeting that I can make the cost work, for a long time there was no way and I agree the cost is absurd. My hen do was a cottage weekend/hangout, but diffent folks like differen things. The hotel was 950pp for the 3 nights, my flights were 800 (trip was to Mexico, the bride is in NYC). It was my own choice to cover one of the late drop outs, but I knew how badly she would get it if she didn't pay up, and she isn't in a position to. The money on the flights for the wedding is already kind of lost, but i'll get a credit to use later if I cancel. The hotel was cancelable thank god, i've already done that in case.

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Hang on, I thought you said one person didn’t come because of work stuff. I don’t see how that leads to you covering her? Did she lose her job?

MissScarletInTheBallroom · 10/04/2025 12:22

Swiftie1878 · 10/04/2025 11:32

I disagree totally. Save the Dates are to allow intended invitees time to get their ducks in a row, sort flights, childcare, accommodation etc. At this point there’s no pressure to confirm your attendance or not - this can all take some time and weighing up re: finances etc.
Once the invitations come out, much closer to the time, you need to make the final decision on whether you can and will actually attend. At that point there’s couple needs to start sorting table plans etc. so needs a final tally of guests.

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There have been cases of people receiving save the dates and then not being invited to the wedding though, or receiving a save the date and arranging travel/childcare/accommodation and then getting an evening only invitation.

No level of CF-ery would surprise me these days.