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Original poster

Hen Do From Hell... Is It Worth Trying to Fix?

418 replies

ohwhatisinaname · 09/04/2025 23:12

I just spent 3 days in the most bizarre, uncomfortable hen do I've ever experienced, to the point I moved my flight up by a day to get home early. I can't tell if I was in the wrong for leaving, or if the bride was wrong for being generally awful to everyone .

For context, 9 of us on the trip, age 35-40, half were exhausted mums, one pregnant with twins. It was in a foreign country, bride wanted an all inclusive resort, there were 3 last minute no shows, one was the bride's sister/MOH who had recently had a miscarriage, though I now wonder if she also didn't want to deal with the bride's attitude as she has likely been getting the worst of it at home. One of the people who bailed was a close friend of mine, who was in a bad work situation, I ended up covering her cost so that the others didn't have to. So all in, this 3 day trip cost me at least 2.5 grand just on the flights and hotel.

Issues:

  • The bride picked the hotel, but hated it, kept complaining about it, the food, the drinks, the setup, the beach wasn't clean enough, there weren't enough deck chairs etc.
  • There were too many rooms and not enough people due to the last minute changes. Several of us were alone, so once ready would go see others and have a drink or just catch up while waiting. It was all on a group message "come to my room if ready and we can go from there to dinner" type things, but the bride didn't like people comingling without her. Once a group was 5 minutes late to an organised pre-cocktail dinner and we were all called out for our behaviour and lack of consideration. The dinner didn't start for at least another 45 minutes, so there was no harm. Towards the end of the trip we were told to stop using the group message as the bride was getting upset that people were talking re. plans (when to meet, where to meet etc) and she felt excluded.
  • The bride repeatedly had arguments, of her own instigation with almost (if not all) of the hen do attendees. She picked at everyone for all of their wrongs. She kept saying that people had come for a holiday, not for her hen do. That people had their own agendas, that they weren't paying her enough attention, they weren't good friends etc. It was a weird verbal lashing each day of wrongs. It was like she wanted people to plead for her friendship, when we were all there to celebrate her.
  • There was a boat ride that three of the group including myself did not go on due to a mix of sea sickness/pumping for baby at home. It was extremely windy, and I for one am violently seasick. The bride said that this was ok, then changed her tune later, and decided that I was persona non grata for not going. I did still pay for the trip without question, just didn't get on the boat.
  • The boat ride party met a stag do out there and made friends (mostly married guys not looking for anything, though one or two moderate creepy ones), I think the bride didn't like that some of the guys were into some of her friends, but not her (also not me, but I think she took it personally due to some weight gain insecurities).
  • The guys had a table at a club later which some girls wanted to go to as the bride wanted to go out and she hadn't planned anything properly. I hate clubs, but the bride back in the day was on all of the drugs and into the rave scene, so some of the girls are still into that vibe (to be clear, this is not me at all, though to each their own). The bride had an argument with her oldest BFF at the club, went to the toilet with me and then fled into the night, drunk, by herself at 2am in a foreign country. As soon as we realised she wasn't in the toilet we tried to find her, one of the girls did get her and walked her home. I offered to leave, and have it in writing in messages, but I was instructed to stay with one girl who didn't bring out a phone and another who was drunk and high, basically as a responsible adult. The next day I went to breakfast and was given the silent treatment from the bride for not coming home immediately with her, when she explicitly told me not to.
  • I then felt horrible about the atmosphere, and having to spend a full day at a beach club proclaiming how sorry I was or fighting my corner on not doing anything wrong. My anxiety got out of control, I text the bride that I was going to head home and that I loved her and hoped that she had the best trip, but I didn't want a blow up and to ruin our friendship. She read it and never responded, so I left.

The things that I/the others could be at fault for:

  • People dropping out last minute (3 including the MOH)
  • There was no bride type activities. No bring lingerie or a quirky gift for fun, no bride games, no sash, no drinking games. I think that she was really hurt by this. I am not a bridesmaid though, so I don't think this was my place to plan. But this could bring merit to her "people on holiday not my hen do" comment.
  • No one posted any photos of the weekend, though I suspect now it might be at the request of the bride as she has gained a little weight and isn't happy about it.
  • We didn't all time our breakfasts, lunches etc to be together at the hotel, though the hotel was ridgid that only 6 people could sit at a table so we would be separated anyway.
  • The hotel messed up the dinner reservations on the first day/the party didn't check, so we went to a crappy place in the all inclusive and couldn't start till 9pm. We had all been up for flights since 4 so we just went to bed right after instead of staying out.
  • Some of the brides friends definitely arranged the second group hangout with the stag do party. She didn't like this at all.
  • I'm definitely at fault for leaving early. It's been 3 days and i've not heard a peep from the bride.

The question is, is there any coming back from this? Should I even try? We have a 15 year friendship, which isn't super close now as we live far apart. Should I just bite the bullet and cancel my flights to/from the wedding? Thats about another 2 grand and its 2 days before a trip I have half way across the world. She is stubborn. She in the past has been a very good friend to me when we lived in the same place. I am hoping that she has gone bridezilla and this is temporary, but what if it's not? I worry if I miss the wedding then our friendship is done, or maybe in a month i'll just not get the official invite and it will be done for me, but I have flights already, young children and it would be good to know one way or another.

OP posts:
vandelier · 11/04/2025 18:43

There wasn't this much drama at the Royal Coronation FGS.

I wouldn't agonise at all. I would bail out right now. Fk them all. Life is so sweet without all that prima donna madness. Surround yourself with people like me instead 😊

PooksBear · 11/04/2025 18:41

ohwhatisinaname · 09/04/2025 23:41

@RatedDoingMagic I think you hit the nail on the head. We all got subjected to the blame game of not being the best friend that could ever exist, when it was likely targetted at her sister. If I even get invited still, if I don't go then the frienship is done, and if I do and it is shitty I am seriously out of pocket, and i'm going solo as my DH has to stay home and its a 6 hour flight away. Lord, i'd rather give that money to charity than turn up and get the attitude I think I would get. She's also definitely spun a story to the remaining bride party (though some know the truth). I'm still in the group chat, and one just sent a snarky story about "girls not having the back of other girls" and maybe it wasn't targetted at me, but it definitely feels like it. I want to leave the group chat without it being obvious so need to figure that out.

Honestly, don't go. Who needs that kind of expense to go to a wedding that you don't want to go to? So what if the friendship is done, she lives miles away anyway

vandelier · 11/04/2025 18:41

findingnibbles · 11/04/2025 18:21

I think the assumption is that people will want to go 😄

Show quote history

lol, yes I suppose I must be the ONLY wedding avoider on the planet and that's why I HATE save the bloody dates. 😊

Hdjdb42 · 11/04/2025 18:39

ohwhatisinaname · 11/04/2025 18:10

As a quick update, the official invite arrived today in the post. It was undoubtably sent before the hen do chaos. I've had a few long conversations with my DH about the situation. He supports my decision and I don't know what it will be, I'd prefer not to go though tbh (largely based on reconsidering the cost). He does think that I should reach out to the bride in a few days to explain that I can see both sides of this, that there should have been more effort made around her hen do by everyone, but that it could have been better approached by her as well, to see where that falls out and then just let it be.

Not to drip feed, but I am actually annoyed at one of the bridesmaids who I considered a close friend (the pregnant one), who took a comment that I made when I didn't go on the boat ride and took a day to go to the gym/spa and relax. When they came back I said I was really sad that I didn't go, but I had a good day, and finally relaxed (work an incredibly stressful job, 2 young children, never get time alone). Apparently she relayed to the bride that "I was glad I didn't go with them" before I showed up for breakfast the final morning which caused her to give me the silent treatment, her other bridesmaid told me when she left she had just been shouted at for an hour, and I just wanted home at that point. So essentially someone I thought was my friend ran her mouth and stirred the pot making things worse.

Just on that basis, I feign an illness at the last minute.

Julesc64 · 11/04/2025 18:35

You sound as bad as each other, twice you feel the need to point out your friend is overweight, some friend!!

Nomunchmounjo · 11/04/2025 18:27

Organising and expecting people to go on a really expensive trip abroad, when they have families to think about, including babies and young children. Phew! I'd be done with her right there, let alone the strops once everyone had made those sacrifices on her behalf.

This phrase 'bridezilla' really just means incredibly immature and narcissistic. Being a bride isn't a pass for being an awful human being.

AyeRight78 · 11/04/2025 18:22

I’m really struggling with the flying from UK to Mexico for 3 nights thing. What? If my best friend asked me to do that I’d laugh. So to fly to NYC for essentially just a party is real alternate universe stuff for me. Do people do this?

findingnibbles · 11/04/2025 18:21

vandelier · 11/04/2025 18:13

Save the dates are most unfair. They are given out so far in advance you can't even book a holiday etc. to get out of going and use that as an excuse when the invites arrive! You KNEW the date, how COULD you? Trapped I tell you.😊

That's true isn't it?

I think the assumption is that people will want to go 😄

Rosejasmine · 11/04/2025 18:15

Oh God. Cancel all thoughts of spending money to go to her wedding.

She must be an absolute nightmare to live with if she’s unbearable for 3 days.

Oldglasses · 11/04/2025 18:15

Reading this I think there are issues from both sides.
As a bride I'd be pissed off if my chief BM or MOH dropped out and no-one else picked up the reins to make my hen 'hen like'. Whether it's a mini-holiday or in the local pub you need that to make it in to the event it is (doesn't have to be mega tacky). It's also gutting when people drop out (I assume these were more local people rather than travelling from overseas for it).
But, the bride was VU to moan so much and to get annoyed with people getting changed in others' rooms - why couldn't she join in the fun, etc.
Sounds like toxic all round tbh!
I would never spend 2K to get to a hen never mind all the rest of the money. And then the wedding on top.
I am so glad I'm older now and got married pre-social media and smart phones.
No-one I know travelled abroad for hens or stags (25-30 years ago) and we all seemed to have a good time! I loved my hen do and it was v low key compared to what goes on now days (meal, club, back to mine for a sleepver for those who wanted to or came a distance, breakfast in a local cafe).
Edited to say we sent invited out 3 months before the wedding, we didn't do save the dates but obviously checked close family were available when we booked the venue etc.

vandelier · 11/04/2025 18:13

Save the dates are most unfair. They are given out so far in advance you can't even book a holiday etc. to get out of going and use that as an excuse when the invites arrive! You KNEW the date, how COULD you? Trapped I tell you.😊

That's true isn't it?

Original poster
ohwhatisinaname · 11/04/2025 18:10

As a quick update, the official invite arrived today in the post. It was undoubtably sent before the hen do chaos. I've had a few long conversations with my DH about the situation. He supports my decision and I don't know what it will be, I'd prefer not to go though tbh (largely based on reconsidering the cost). He does think that I should reach out to the bride in a few days to explain that I can see both sides of this, that there should have been more effort made around her hen do by everyone, but that it could have been better approached by her as well, to see where that falls out and then just let it be.

Not to drip feed, but I am actually annoyed at one of the bridesmaids who I considered a close friend (the pregnant one), who took a comment that I made when I didn't go on the boat ride and took a day to go to the gym/spa and relax. When they came back I said I was really sad that I didn't go, but I had a good day, and finally relaxed (work an incredibly stressful job, 2 young children, never get time alone). Apparently she relayed to the bride that "I was glad I didn't go with them" before I showed up for breakfast the final morning which caused her to give me the silent treatment, her other bridesmaid told me when she left she had just been shouted at for an hour, and I just wanted home at that point. So essentially someone I thought was my friend ran her mouth and stirred the pot making things worse.

OP posts:
Plumpishly · 11/04/2025 18:04

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

06230villefrancesurmer · 11/04/2025 18:04

ohwhatisinaname · 09/04/2025 23:12

I just spent 3 days in the most bizarre, uncomfortable hen do I've ever experienced, to the point I moved my flight up by a day to get home early. I can't tell if I was in the wrong for leaving, or if the bride was wrong for being generally awful to everyone .

For context, 9 of us on the trip, age 35-40, half were exhausted mums, one pregnant with twins. It was in a foreign country, bride wanted an all inclusive resort, there were 3 last minute no shows, one was the bride's sister/MOH who had recently had a miscarriage, though I now wonder if she also didn't want to deal with the bride's attitude as she has likely been getting the worst of it at home. One of the people who bailed was a close friend of mine, who was in a bad work situation, I ended up covering her cost so that the others didn't have to. So all in, this 3 day trip cost me at least 2.5 grand just on the flights and hotel.

Issues:

  • The bride picked the hotel, but hated it, kept complaining about it, the food, the drinks, the setup, the beach wasn't clean enough, there weren't enough deck chairs etc.
  • There were too many rooms and not enough people due to the last minute changes. Several of us were alone, so once ready would go see others and have a drink or just catch up while waiting. It was all on a group message "come to my room if ready and we can go from there to dinner" type things, but the bride didn't like people comingling without her. Once a group was 5 minutes late to an organised pre-cocktail dinner and we were all called out for our behaviour and lack of consideration. The dinner didn't start for at least another 45 minutes, so there was no harm. Towards the end of the trip we were told to stop using the group message as the bride was getting upset that people were talking re. plans (when to meet, where to meet etc) and she felt excluded.
  • The bride repeatedly had arguments, of her own instigation with almost (if not all) of the hen do attendees. She picked at everyone for all of their wrongs. She kept saying that people had come for a holiday, not for her hen do. That people had their own agendas, that they weren't paying her enough attention, they weren't good friends etc. It was a weird verbal lashing each day of wrongs. It was like she wanted people to plead for her friendship, when we were all there to celebrate her.
  • There was a boat ride that three of the group including myself did not go on due to a mix of sea sickness/pumping for baby at home. It was extremely windy, and I for one am violently seasick. The bride said that this was ok, then changed her tune later, and decided that I was persona non grata for not going. I did still pay for the trip without question, just didn't get on the boat.
  • The boat ride party met a stag do out there and made friends (mostly married guys not looking for anything, though one or two moderate creepy ones), I think the bride didn't like that some of the guys were into some of her friends, but not her (also not me, but I think she took it personally due to some weight gain insecurities).
  • The guys had a table at a club later which some girls wanted to go to as the bride wanted to go out and she hadn't planned anything properly. I hate clubs, but the bride back in the day was on all of the drugs and into the rave scene, so some of the girls are still into that vibe (to be clear, this is not me at all, though to each their own). The bride had an argument with her oldest BFF at the club, went to the toilet with me and then fled into the night, drunk, by herself at 2am in a foreign country. As soon as we realised she wasn't in the toilet we tried to find her, one of the girls did get her and walked her home. I offered to leave, and have it in writing in messages, but I was instructed to stay with one girl who didn't bring out a phone and another who was drunk and high, basically as a responsible adult. The next day I went to breakfast and was given the silent treatment from the bride for not coming home immediately with her, when she explicitly told me not to.
  • I then felt horrible about the atmosphere, and having to spend a full day at a beach club proclaiming how sorry I was or fighting my corner on not doing anything wrong. My anxiety got out of control, I text the bride that I was going to head home and that I loved her and hoped that she had the best trip, but I didn't want a blow up and to ruin our friendship. She read it and never responded, so I left.

The things that I/the others could be at fault for:

  • People dropping out last minute (3 including the MOH)
  • There was no bride type activities. No bring lingerie or a quirky gift for fun, no bride games, no sash, no drinking games. I think that she was really hurt by this. I am not a bridesmaid though, so I don't think this was my place to plan. But this could bring merit to her "people on holiday not my hen do" comment.
  • No one posted any photos of the weekend, though I suspect now it might be at the request of the bride as she has gained a little weight and isn't happy about it.
  • We didn't all time our breakfasts, lunches etc to be together at the hotel, though the hotel was ridgid that only 6 people could sit at a table so we would be separated anyway.
  • The hotel messed up the dinner reservations on the first day/the party didn't check, so we went to a crappy place in the all inclusive and couldn't start till 9pm. We had all been up for flights since 4 so we just went to bed right after instead of staying out.
  • Some of the brides friends definitely arranged the second group hangout with the stag do party. She didn't like this at all.
  • I'm definitely at fault for leaving early. It's been 3 days and i've not heard a peep from the bride.

The question is, is there any coming back from this? Should I even try? We have a 15 year friendship, which isn't super close now as we live far apart. Should I just bite the bullet and cancel my flights to/from the wedding? Thats about another 2 grand and its 2 days before a trip I have half way across the world. She is stubborn. She in the past has been a very good friend to me when we lived in the same place. I am hoping that she has gone bridezilla and this is temporary, but what if it's not? I worry if I miss the wedding then our friendship is done, or maybe in a month i'll just not get the official invite and it will be done for me, but I have flights already, young children and it would be good to know one way or another.

Oh shit, I've just realised I'm invited to this how do I get the hell out of it 🙃 😅

Narr, not really. Just having fun at young people.. I'm quite old and I really don't understand how people can get themselves into this situation. Just say no. Story of my life really everyone always said no to me . Ha

Just a bit of fun kid life's too short.

Buffs · 11/04/2025 18:01

In your position I wouldn’t go to the wedding and I wouldn’t feel guilty about it.

CuntFacedTwat · 11/04/2025 17:59

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

ContraryNoodle · 11/04/2025 17:56

Put together a massive sweep stake on how soon they split/divorce. You might win some of the wasted money back 😁

Bikergran · 11/04/2025 17:54

Cancel trip to wedding, if you can't get a refund, see if you can change dates/destination and make it a family holiday. She sounds a monster, I don't think you'll miss her.

cardboardvillage · 11/04/2025 17:54

Sorry! Flights to the wedding?

cancel the friendship immediately. What on earth?

Scorcher79 · 11/04/2025 17:46

jellyfishperiwinkle · 10/04/2025 14:22

Much too polite.

"After your fucking shitty bridezilla behaviour and making a very expensive and much needed break pretty shit for all concerned I have decided to cut my losses and will not be spending a further penny on your wedding, saving me about three grand in the process. Have a nice life."

Show quote history

Best comment so far! Hear hear!

Scorcher79 · 11/04/2025 17:43

What a bridezilla, control freak. and primadonna! Don't understand why you are friends with this person....her behaviour and attitude were/are atrocious. Shesounds like a nightmare to be around and I can only pity her fiancé! You have absolutely nothing to feel bad about....

Duckiess · 10/04/2025 19:20

I still think her bridesmaids and friends (to a lesser extent) let her down. Following a stag do you’ve just met is awful, I don’t blame her for getting upset with that. You should have said no at the start if you didn’t want to spend the money or travel that far, it’s not like the distance and cost was a surprise. Did you speak to her about what was going on at all?

suburberphobe · 10/04/2025 18:31

God OP, sounds awful. Who in their right mind treats people like that.

She'll probably be divorced before you know it so save your money and draw your true friends and family around you.

You do not owe her your time or equilibrium.

WhatNoRaisins · 10/04/2025 17:47

It's always difficult when expectations are high and there's a whole industry encouraging women to have high expectations of weddings and being the bride.

You didn't do anything wrong here OP. I think it's tricky when you've got a group of people all spread out and made up of people that don't all know each other. You're never going to get the same atmosphere as a group of girlfriends in a feel good movie

Original poster
ohwhatisinaname · 10/04/2025 17:37

Sorry just catching up on these. I've been home with a toddler who is too sick to go to nursery, but not sick enough to be asleep all day, while also having to work. Fun times!

In response to a few items:

  1. The bride was absolutely in the group message, the first night she used it to arrange drinks in her room, after that she didn't respond on it to anyone. Some people like myself only knew one or two of the group, so used it to get ready together etc, which she apparently didn't like, and we were told by the bride's BFF to stop messaging our hangout plans (though they were "everyone can come" type messages).
  2. Agree that the MOH/bridesmaids didn't try to do any of the planning and are at fault here mostly. The hotel set up the bride's room the first day and left some straw hats, bags and wine for the party. That was the extent of the hen do feel. The other bridesmaids (I am not one) should have stepped up and planned more typical bride events when the MOH didn't come. I wasn't included in any planning, so wouldn't know what if anything was planned.
  3. I assume the bride has been pressuring the MOH her behind the scenes/acting like a diva at home, but who honestly knows. Maybe the behaviour started at the hen do, but I find that hard to believe. It is probably a little from the hen do disappointment and a little from general wedding bridezilla.
  4. The cost is absurd, I wouldn't do that again. I do go to NYC for work 1-2 times a year so usually see my friends from living there at nights etc. This trip was directly paid for by me. It was my choice, and it was my choice to pay for our mutual friend. Those are sunk costs in my opinion. I'm honestly more upset at being away from my family, missing days with my children, and then having it be miserable.
  5. Weddings and hen dos in the US are a much bigger deal I think. Though the instagram friendly side has gotten out of control everywhere.
  6. I agree that I could have grinned and beared the last day and not left, but I had had enough by then. The atmosphere was awful, and when she purposefully ignored me, and then ignored the messsage an hour later I just wanted to be back in my safe space at home. The group message from the other bridesmaid yesterday with the link to an example of women lifting other women up really set me off as I am 99% sure that it was about me. It is an iphone message group with an android user there somewhere so I can't see an easy way to leave the chat without it flagging.
  7. I also have a strong suspicion that this wedding will end in divorce after a year/two. If she is acting like this to her friends, and has made it abundently clear she hates her in laws, I can only imagine what she is putting the groom through at home with the planning/high maintenance demands.

Going to try to respond to a few messages here when the plague ridden toddler lets me. Thanks everyone.

OP posts: