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Original poster

Hen Do From Hell... Is It Worth Trying to Fix?

418 replies

ohwhatisinaname · 09/04/2025 23:12

I just spent 3 days in the most bizarre, uncomfortable hen do I've ever experienced, to the point I moved my flight up by a day to get home early. I can't tell if I was in the wrong for leaving, or if the bride was wrong for being generally awful to everyone .

For context, 9 of us on the trip, age 35-40, half were exhausted mums, one pregnant with twins. It was in a foreign country, bride wanted an all inclusive resort, there were 3 last minute no shows, one was the bride's sister/MOH who had recently had a miscarriage, though I now wonder if she also didn't want to deal with the bride's attitude as she has likely been getting the worst of it at home. One of the people who bailed was a close friend of mine, who was in a bad work situation, I ended up covering her cost so that the others didn't have to. So all in, this 3 day trip cost me at least 2.5 grand just on the flights and hotel.

Issues:

  • The bride picked the hotel, but hated it, kept complaining about it, the food, the drinks, the setup, the beach wasn't clean enough, there weren't enough deck chairs etc.
  • There were too many rooms and not enough people due to the last minute changes. Several of us were alone, so once ready would go see others and have a drink or just catch up while waiting. It was all on a group message "come to my room if ready and we can go from there to dinner" type things, but the bride didn't like people comingling without her. Once a group was 5 minutes late to an organised pre-cocktail dinner and we were all called out for our behaviour and lack of consideration. The dinner didn't start for at least another 45 minutes, so there was no harm. Towards the end of the trip we were told to stop using the group message as the bride was getting upset that people were talking re. plans (when to meet, where to meet etc) and she felt excluded.
  • The bride repeatedly had arguments, of her own instigation with almost (if not all) of the hen do attendees. She picked at everyone for all of their wrongs. She kept saying that people had come for a holiday, not for her hen do. That people had their own agendas, that they weren't paying her enough attention, they weren't good friends etc. It was a weird verbal lashing each day of wrongs. It was like she wanted people to plead for her friendship, when we were all there to celebrate her.
  • There was a boat ride that three of the group including myself did not go on due to a mix of sea sickness/pumping for baby at home. It was extremely windy, and I for one am violently seasick. The bride said that this was ok, then changed her tune later, and decided that I was persona non grata for not going. I did still pay for the trip without question, just didn't get on the boat.
  • The boat ride party met a stag do out there and made friends (mostly married guys not looking for anything, though one or two moderate creepy ones), I think the bride didn't like that some of the guys were into some of her friends, but not her (also not me, but I think she took it personally due to some weight gain insecurities).
  • The guys had a table at a club later which some girls wanted to go to as the bride wanted to go out and she hadn't planned anything properly. I hate clubs, but the bride back in the day was on all of the drugs and into the rave scene, so some of the girls are still into that vibe (to be clear, this is not me at all, though to each their own). The bride had an argument with her oldest BFF at the club, went to the toilet with me and then fled into the night, drunk, by herself at 2am in a foreign country. As soon as we realised she wasn't in the toilet we tried to find her, one of the girls did get her and walked her home. I offered to leave, and have it in writing in messages, but I was instructed to stay with one girl who didn't bring out a phone and another who was drunk and high, basically as a responsible adult. The next day I went to breakfast and was given the silent treatment from the bride for not coming home immediately with her, when she explicitly told me not to.
  • I then felt horrible about the atmosphere, and having to spend a full day at a beach club proclaiming how sorry I was or fighting my corner on not doing anything wrong. My anxiety got out of control, I text the bride that I was going to head home and that I loved her and hoped that she had the best trip, but I didn't want a blow up and to ruin our friendship. She read it and never responded, so I left.

The things that I/the others could be at fault for:

  • People dropping out last minute (3 including the MOH)
  • There was no bride type activities. No bring lingerie or a quirky gift for fun, no bride games, no sash, no drinking games. I think that she was really hurt by this. I am not a bridesmaid though, so I don't think this was my place to plan. But this could bring merit to her "people on holiday not my hen do" comment.
  • No one posted any photos of the weekend, though I suspect now it might be at the request of the bride as she has gained a little weight and isn't happy about it.
  • We didn't all time our breakfasts, lunches etc to be together at the hotel, though the hotel was ridgid that only 6 people could sit at a table so we would be separated anyway.
  • The hotel messed up the dinner reservations on the first day/the party didn't check, so we went to a crappy place in the all inclusive and couldn't start till 9pm. We had all been up for flights since 4 so we just went to bed right after instead of staying out.
  • Some of the brides friends definitely arranged the second group hangout with the stag do party. She didn't like this at all.
  • I'm definitely at fault for leaving early. It's been 3 days and i've not heard a peep from the bride.

The question is, is there any coming back from this? Should I even try? We have a 15 year friendship, which isn't super close now as we live far apart. Should I just bite the bullet and cancel my flights to/from the wedding? Thats about another 2 grand and its 2 days before a trip I have half way across the world. She is stubborn. She in the past has been a very good friend to me when we lived in the same place. I am hoping that she has gone bridezilla and this is temporary, but what if it's not? I worry if I miss the wedding then our friendship is done, or maybe in a month i'll just not get the official invite and it will be done for me, but I have flights already, young children and it would be good to know one way or another.

OP posts:
ThisFluentBiscuit · 12/04/2025 21:06

Mysteron1 · 12/04/2025 07:27

I think the fact the OP has since discovered that someone was stirring the pot actually strengthens the argument that the bride was surrounded by people who may not have had her best interests at heart, and rather than pulling her to one side and having a sensible chat about her behaviour/expectations to calm things down, were actually further inflaming things. As others have pointed out, it reflects badly not just on the bride but on some, or perhaps all the attendees. It does seem like people were not acting very maturely/their age, but then I can understand people are there to let their hair down, and also the stress of having to walk on eggshells around someone can produce weird behaviour.

In short, I agree with the OP/her husband’s plan - ignore all the noise, the “he said she said”, the whatsapp memes - just pick up the phone and talk to the bride. It’s the only way forward, and I suspect it’ll be the only way you’ll be truly at peace with any decision you come to. Also, be prepared - no matter what your reasons are for not attending, or how reasonable they may be - I suspect it will be the end of your friendship if you are a no show.

And let this be the most important lesson - don’t fly to Mexico for 3 days - the planet is burning.

But again, there are two flights whether someone stays for two days or two months. I'm genuinely not understanding how the length of trip makes a difference.

ThisFluentBiscuit · 12/04/2025 21:01

shuggles · 12/04/2025 20:57

Are there people who actually think like this? Very strange.

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Oh, I think lots of people think like that. I don't think it's that strange, either. Human beings are very selfish as a species.

ThisFluentBiscuit · 12/04/2025 20:59

dodgyplant · 12/04/2025 20:53

Disgusting. Stomach turning. She could have had a nice party and given the rest to charity.

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Eh? You could say that about pretty much everything! I don't travel much, I think it's a waste of money and would rather spend on things I can keep and enjoy for ages than use it on something as ephemeral and soon-over as a holiday. But people are entitled to spend their own money on what they want. 🤷‍♀️ For a lot of people, 4.5k isn't even that much.

By the logic of your post, people should never buy nice cars or houses or clothes because they could get all those things cheaper and give the rest to charity, correct?

wishiwasupahill · 12/04/2025 20:59

ohwhatisinaname · 09/04/2025 23:37

I've had the save the date months ago, but the wedding is in June so i don't think the invites will go out for a few more weeks.

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I’d hang tight for a few more weeks then. Make the decision when the invite arrives (or doesn’t arrive).

she sounds awful.

shuggles · 12/04/2025 20:57

ThisFluentBiscuit · 12/04/2025 20:54

For the ego boost. Prove she's "still got it," I guess.

Show quote history

Are there people who actually think like this? Very strange.

ThisFluentBiscuit · 12/04/2025 20:54

shuggles · 12/04/2025 20:51

@ohwhatisinaname I think the bride didn't like that some of the guys were into some of her friends, but not her (also not me, but I think she took it personally due to some weight gain insecurities).

This bit stuck out as being really strange.

If she is getting married, why would she want other men to be into her? That doesn't make any sense.

For the ego boost. Prove she's "still got it," I guess.

dodgyplant · 12/04/2025 20:53

ExitPursuedByABare · 09/04/2025 23:28

£2.5k for the hen? And another £2k for flights to the wedding?

Sheesh.

Disgusting. Stomach turning. She could have had a nice party and given the rest to charity.

ThisFluentBiscuit · 12/04/2025 20:53

Woodburnerisout · 10/04/2025 00:10

You flew to Mexico for 3 nights?? Tell me I'm reading that wrong, the environmental issue alone makes my head spin....

I mean, there are two flights regardless of how long you stay, so what's the problem?

shuggles · 12/04/2025 20:51

@ohwhatisinaname I think the bride didn't like that some of the guys were into some of her friends, but not her (also not me, but I think she took it personally due to some weight gain insecurities).

This bit stuck out as being really strange.

If she is getting married, why would she want other men to be into her? That doesn't make any sense.

IzzyHandsIsMySpiritAnimal · 12/04/2025 20:48

InSpainTheRain · 09/04/2025 23:48

I would cancel flights to the wedding, drop out the group chat and block the bride and probably several others. That's a stratospheric level of drama that I could not be arsed with.

Me too. Way too much drama for adults.

Namechangey23 · 12/04/2025 20:48

Ah come on is this for real or are you just writing the screenplay for bridesmaids2? If so, keep working!
If it's real, with friends like you lot who needs enemies? Sounds toxic,.queen bee behaviour,egos and gossiping.

A wedding is ONE day of your life and 50 percent end in divorce. All this focus on perfection for basically one day when you could be focusing on the things that really matter. Not to mention the wanton splurge of cash and the obligation. Won't be much of a fun wedding for guests if the hen do is that bad?! Pretty sure you've outer her on here too work the details you've provided so I doubt it's real.

AquaOrca · 12/04/2025 20:39

You're not unreasonable, and I find it unfathomable the guests have to spend that much of their own money on the event...

But, it sounds to me she's under a lot of stress, she's had imaginary expectation which life never delivers, and she don't know how to handle it well, so it turns into negative outbursts.

Portakalkedi · 12/04/2025 20:38

Bridezilla FFS stupid autofill

Portakalkedi · 12/04/2025 20:37

Is this bride a teenager? I can't believe people still go along with this kind of self-centred idiot. Same as the far-flung weddings, just say no. You've already wasted too much time and money on this bride ills.

PopeJoan2 · 12/04/2025 19:10

ohwhatisinaname · 11/04/2025 18:10

As a quick update, the official invite arrived today in the post. It was undoubtably sent before the hen do chaos. I've had a few long conversations with my DH about the situation. He supports my decision and I don't know what it will be, I'd prefer not to go though tbh (largely based on reconsidering the cost). He does think that I should reach out to the bride in a few days to explain that I can see both sides of this, that there should have been more effort made around her hen do by everyone, but that it could have been better approached by her as well, to see where that falls out and then just let it be.

Not to drip feed, but I am actually annoyed at one of the bridesmaids who I considered a close friend (the pregnant one), who took a comment that I made when I didn't go on the boat ride and took a day to go to the gym/spa and relax. When they came back I said I was really sad that I didn't go, but I had a good day, and finally relaxed (work an incredibly stressful job, 2 young children, never get time alone). Apparently she relayed to the bride that "I was glad I didn't go with them" before I showed up for breakfast the final morning which caused her to give me the silent treatment, her other bridesmaid told me when she left she had just been shouted at for an hour, and I just wanted home at that point. So essentially someone I thought was my friend ran her mouth and stirred the pot making things worse.

Your DH sounds nice and has offered the kindest approach I have heard on here so far.

HardyKoala · 12/04/2025 17:32

namechangeGOT · 12/04/2025 14:37

And this is why I never had one, have never attended one and never will attend one. You’ve laid how much for a spoilt cow of a bride to whine at everyone.

Because your friends are arseholes too? I’d get better friends. I’ve been on about 12 hen dos and they’ve all been friendly and fun. Not one tiny piece of drama

namechangeGOT · 12/04/2025 14:37

And this is why I never had one, have never attended one and never will attend one. You’ve laid how much for a spoilt cow of a bride to whine at everyone.

Jaichangecentfoisdenom · 12/04/2025 13:39

In defence of the MOH, a miscarriage isn’t necessarily something easy to deal with, emotionally or physically. Maybe she thought she’d have time before the hen do to plan and arrange the bits that would have made the bride feel special and singled out in a nice way for her hen do, but had a bad pregnancy which resulted, sadly, in a miscarriage before she had time to sort things out and then afterwards, was too upset to be able to think of jolly things?

CruCru · 12/04/2025 13:38

vandelier · 11/04/2025 18:13

Save the dates are most unfair. They are given out so far in advance you can't even book a holiday etc. to get out of going and use that as an excuse when the invites arrive! You KNEW the date, how COULD you? Trapped I tell you.😊

That's true isn't it?

If you don’t want to go, say that unfortunately that is the date of another wedding out of town so you won’t be able to make it.

Pippyls67 · 12/04/2025 13:30

This is all the fault of the MOH for bailing. It obviously hurt the bride deeply and she was in a bad place mentally and emotionally for the whole trip. You were all caught in the fall out. Feel sorry for her a bit to be honest. She started looking at everything through the same lens of ‘I’m not good enough and people don’t want me’. It makes people more insecure and more angry the more they dwell on it. On holiday it’s amplified by the new surroundings and expectations she automatically had of it ‘all being wonderful’. It become a self fulfilling prophecy in the end as she got more and more hurt and lashed out being defensive. Bad situation all round. Don’t boycott the wedding though. She needs to let her ‘hurt’ and over reacting settle down and it’ll hopefully be fine. She may well apologise at the wedding when it’s all over and you’ll be a stronger friendship in the end for staying around through it all.

MusicMakesItAllBetter · 12/04/2025 12:47

I think you should talk to your friend. Conversation/video, not text.
If you've been good friends with her for years then I'd reach out. You said you feel something is going on with her, ask her if she's ok. Express compassion for her and how her hen didn't go as she'd hoped it would have.
When the bridesmaids knew the MOH wasn't going anymore, they should have been responsible for sorting hen activities! This is all bad on their side and nothing to do with you.
But I'd reach out and show some sympathy to her. I wouldn't apologise for anything other than going home early but defend and let her know the atmosphere had become quite unbearable and you didn't expect to miss your family so much.

If the thought of going to the wedding is too much for you then don't go and use the credit somewhere else.

(My friend organised her brides hen from her sick bed in hospital. Not that the bride was grateful for her, they're no longer friends.)

Kipperandarthur · 12/04/2025 12:40

Since you left the hen do and flew back earlier than planned due to all the toxic atmosphere, I can't really see how you possibly want to spend more money going to the wedding.

It doesn't sound as though you want to go now which is understandable.

How will you feel with further financial outlay and possible tense relations with others at the wedding? To me it would just compound the awfulness of it all.

FortyElephants · 12/04/2025 12:22

If you can get credit for the flights and a refund for any accommodation then not going is a no brainer. If the friendship is over then so be it.

madmeg1952 · 12/04/2025 11:40

Just to say, my DD's Hen Do 6 years ago (she was nearly 35) with a bunch of fantastic ladies was the best Hen Do ever - and all of us agreed. It was two nights in a Manchester hotel (half the girls had never been to Manchester), several high-flying Accountants amongst them (two of whom are millionaires) but a couple definitely not in that category (including the groom's sister who is an NHS nurse, and the best man's wife), and we all got along great, no hissy-fits or similar. I think it cost me about £600 and that included buying drinks here and there. We did fun stuff, drank plenty, and I remain pals with several of them even today.

This bride sounds like she is fifteen, not mid-30s. I pity the groom!!!

Some friendships simply don't last, however much effort you make.

You did nothing wrong - indeed the opposite.

Write it off as an expensive exercise in how not to win friends and influence people.

mcmooberry · 12/04/2025 10:19

She does sound awful but I can certainly see how disappointing the hen do would have been for her with 3 out of 12 dropping out at the last minute for starters then with it seeming more like a holiday for people and her not being centre stage like she had envisaged. It sounds like she got herself into such an escalating rage that everything was taken as a slight and presumably there was bad blood with her sister in the back of her mind too. Honestly, you spending a whole day at the spa apart from the group and leaving a day early was never going to help matters. Shame one of the bridesmaids didn't step up and say "Right, we are down 3 but let's not let that spoil things, let's have a great trip!"