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AIBU?

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Original poster

For not wanting to sleep at partners house from Friday to Sunday every weekend?

136 replies

Tobbay · 09/04/2025 22:30

So, context....
I say "partner" but we have known each other 8 weeks so 🤷🏻‍♀️
I am 50 and he is 54, he has no children at home and works 2rs a day so has heaps of free time.
I have a 21yr old and a 18yr old and an ageing cat who I love like a third Son! I also work in a very emotionally and physically challenging job, with violent children with trauma based backgrounds.

I have spent the last 3yrs healing from an abusive relationship and as much as I'd like to share time and life with someone, I also want to spend time with my children, my friends and myself! I need quiet time alone o reset. I run ultras and running and the gym make me happy.

The guy is already miffed that I didn't sleep at his house on the last day of term, but I'd explained I was totally shattered. The next 5 days he was very off with me and he told me it wasn't working out. After lots of "drawing blood from a stone" he said he wanted to see me all of every weekend and at least 2 or 3 times on the weekdays.

AIBU that I think he is being unreasonable??

OP posts:
crockofshite · 10/04/2025 02:34

Suffocating....

Chickensky · 10/04/2025 02:21

Tobbay · 09/04/2025 23:47

We haven't had sex.. there have been a couple of times it could have happened but he stopped and said he would only have sex with me if I stayed the night as if I wasn't staying it would be too hard for him to let me go 🤔

Show quote history

Well done for spotting this!! Well done for holding your boundaries. 8 weeks only and he's blown his cover, "too hard to let go". You will meet a great man who appreciates you for you, because you will be able (because you want to and you will feel safe doing so), to compromise on certain things, after a while, and as suits your your relationship, but NOT this stuff and certainly not 8 weeks into dating and insisting you stay. He doesn't have claim on your time, location, communication and interaction with others.

viques · 10/04/2025 01:31

Mmmm. Let’s do this logically, on the one hand you have three sons, two human, one cat, who hardly see you in the week, whose lives are special to you, whose wellbeing you care about, you have a house you like to relax in and possibly enjoy at the weekend and which like all houses requires a bit of your attention. Then on the other hand you have a relatively new acquaintance, who DEMANDS your attention and goes into a man child sulk if he doesn’t get his own way which includes getting into your knickers.

I can see why you need some help sorting out this dilemma.

valentinka31 · 10/04/2025 00:46

He sounds like he's on the spectrum a bit. All those questions about money. All the demands about you changing your life around his etc. He's very set and stubborn in protecting and maintaining his environment.

He is not and will not be easy and I wouldn't want a guy who didn't just have sex with me. He should be consumed with desire at this stage, and you.

OpheliaNightingale · 10/04/2025 00:40

@Tobbay please be very careful not to get into another abusive relationship. Abuse takes many forms, you may not recognise it. Eight weeks in and this man is not considering your needs at all, he seems very self absorbed at best, manipulative at worst..

user1492757084 · 10/04/2025 00:27

Listen to your own needs.
You have responsibilities not just to this new man friend.
The most important of all is being able to recharge and relax every weekend in a way that enables you to function happily.

Ellie56 · 10/04/2025 00:23

Eww the more you post about him the worse he sounds. You can do better than this @Tobbay .

Throw this one back in the pond and run for the hills and then home to your boy cat. 😺

StrangerThings1 · 10/04/2025 00:23

Tobbay · 09/04/2025 23:56

This is the message he sent (2 weeks after meeting):

"How are you on finances?
Are you a saver or sensible spender or would you make a spontaneous purchase?
Is money important to you and do you keep a tight budget or do you spend now and worry about it later?
And what about if we're out together, do you just pay for whatever and not worry who pays for what or 50/50 all the way?"

Edited
Show quote history

So odd!
reading all of this is just turning me further and further away from dating!😊…..honestly, there are so many odd balls out there to be bothered even trying

WilfredsPies · 10/04/2025 00:20

Tobbay · 09/04/2025 23:51

Have done and he said I should "adjust". When I asked what he meant he said if it were him, he would drop the running clubs I train with to free up time for him.

As I'm writing all this down, it's very clear I need to sprint away!

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😳 Saucy fucker!

May I ask what has kept you there up to this point? I’m assuming he looks like all of your favourite celebrities rolled into one? He makes you laugh until your muscles ache? He’s intelligent and provides you with scintillating and thought provoking conversation? He’s a really bloody good cook and he’s offered to do your ironing?

LiesDoNotBecomeUs · 10/04/2025 00:17

I'm not a cat person but reading threads like this makes me understand why women of experience turn to a life with cats rather than men.

Whooowhooohoo · 10/04/2025 00:15

Tobbay · 09/04/2025 22:30

So, context....
I say "partner" but we have known each other 8 weeks so 🤷🏻‍♀️
I am 50 and he is 54, he has no children at home and works 2rs a day so has heaps of free time.
I have a 21yr old and a 18yr old and an ageing cat who I love like a third Son! I also work in a very emotionally and physically challenging job, with violent children with trauma based backgrounds.

I have spent the last 3yrs healing from an abusive relationship and as much as I'd like to share time and life with someone, I also want to spend time with my children, my friends and myself! I need quiet time alone o reset. I run ultras and running and the gym make me happy.

The guy is already miffed that I didn't sleep at his house on the last day of term, but I'd explained I was totally shattered. The next 5 days he was very off with me and he told me it wasn't working out. After lots of "drawing blood from a stone" he said he wanted to see me all of every weekend and at least 2 or 3 times on the weekdays.

AIBU that I think he is being unreasonable??

At least he is being honest,

Blackkittenfluff · 10/04/2025 00:14

Wanting to get his leg over at the weekend.
Throw this one back in the sea.

Cardinalita90 · 10/04/2025 00:14

8 weeks is WAY too early to spend all weekend every weekend together even if you wanted to! Bin this one off, if he's this unhappy now it's hardly going to improve - he sounds like he needs someone with an equally empty life and unhealthy obsession to date instead!

uncomfortablydumb60 · 10/04/2025 00:13

Throw this one back in the sea
He actually sounds ridiculously immature but that’s beside the point. You’re not compatible

Original poster
Tobbay · 10/04/2025 00:11

Curlycurio · 10/04/2025 00:07

It's because he wants you to stay in the house with him and not do anything. "someone to do stuff with" is not what you'll get from this guy!

After you left your abusive relationship, did you ever do the freedom programme or read that book Why Does He Do That? Both were really eye opening to me.

Also you sound lovely and your hobbies sound fun and I don't want him to ruin everything!

Edited
Show quote history

I've heard of the freedom program.

Thank you 😊 Definitely not dropping running, gym, my boys or my cat.. ever!

OP posts:
CalicoPusscat · 10/04/2025 00:09

@Tobbay you need to stand up for yourself and say you have other interests and priorities.

It's acceptable to be cautious with new people but he doesn't seem able to process what you're saying or just doesn't care.

Lilactimes · 10/04/2025 00:09

I would definitely back out of that one… sounds like a nightmare.

Curlycurio · 10/04/2025 00:07

Tobbay · 10/04/2025 00:04

That's what I thought. I was very confused when I received that and told him so.
It seemed to me very much like "I hope you are going to pay your way and don't expect me to"
I did ask him in person and he said that if I invite him out or suggest to meet somewhere, I should pay for any drinks/food etc... that seems very controlled rather than a casual, natural way between two people if that makes sense?

Show quote history

It's because he wants you to stay in the house with him and not do anything. "someone to do stuff with" is not what you'll get from this guy!

After you left your abusive relationship, did you ever do the freedom programme or read that book Why Does He Do That? Both were really eye opening to me.

Also you sound lovely and your hobbies sound fun and I don't want him to ruin everything!

Original poster
Tobbay · 10/04/2025 00:04

FriendsDrinkBook · 09/04/2025 23:59

@Tobbay I don't know what to say to that.

Having similar views on money is very important , but this sounds like a financial survey rather than a chat with someone you've been dating for a couple of weeks.

That's what I thought. I was very confused when I received that and told him so.
It seemed to me very much like "I hope you are going to pay your way and don't expect me to"
I did ask him in person and he said that if I invite him out or suggest to meet somewhere, I should pay for any drinks/food etc... that seems very controlled rather than a casual, natural way between two people if that makes sense?

OP posts:
MattCauthon · 10/04/2025 00:03

This level of attempted control so early in the relationship.... ick ick ick. Run a mile

Sunbeam01 · 10/04/2025 00:00

Run. Do not look back.

Original poster
Tobbay · 10/04/2025 00:00

crackofdoom · 09/04/2025 23:53

Well, that's pretty fucking manipulative isn't it!!
Again, mine wasn't so bad, but there was a lot of "I can only have sex when I'm committed to someone", whereas I cheerfully said " Oh, I can completely enjoy casual sex when I'm not in a relationship!" Which, of course, eventually got chucked back in my face, the sex dried up, I think the slut shaming was just gearing up when I dumped him...

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I think we are both well rid of these delights!

OP posts:
Curlycurio · 09/04/2025 23:59

He is demanding all of your free time and sulking to manipulate you into complying.

He's controlling, it's a huge red flag. He'll chip away at you until you feel guilty for doing any of the things you love.

Keep your boundaries, OP! In the bin with him.

FriendsDrinkBook · 09/04/2025 23:59

@Tobbay I don't know what to say to that.

Having similar views on money is very important , but this sounds like a financial survey rather than a chat with someone you've been dating for a couple of weeks.

Original poster
Tobbay · 09/04/2025 23:59

StrangerThings1 · 09/04/2025 23:53

Out of interest where did you meet this gem?😊

Online... highly recommend (you don't give it a go! 😆)

OP posts:
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