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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

For not wanting to sleep at partners house from Friday to Sunday every weekend?

136 replies

Tobbay · 09/04/2025 22:30

So, context....
I say "partner" but we have known each other 8 weeks so 🤷🏻‍♀️
I am 50 and he is 54, he has no children at home and works 2rs a day so has heaps of free time.
I have a 21yr old and a 18yr old and an ageing cat who I love like a third Son! I also work in a very emotionally and physically challenging job, with violent children with trauma based backgrounds.

I have spent the last 3yrs healing from an abusive relationship and as much as I'd like to share time and life with someone, I also want to spend time with my children, my friends and myself! I need quiet time alone o reset. I run ultras and running and the gym make me happy.

The guy is already miffed that I didn't sleep at his house on the last day of term, but I'd explained I was totally shattered. The next 5 days he was very off with me and he told me it wasn't working out. After lots of "drawing blood from a stone" he said he wanted to see me all of every weekend and at least 2 or 3 times on the weekdays.

AIBU that I think he is being unreasonable??

OP posts:
New posts on this thread. Refresh page
ItGhoul · 11/04/2025 12:33

Tobbay · 09/04/2025 23:47

We haven't had sex.. there have been a couple of times it could have happened but he stopped and said he would only have sex with me if I stayed the night as if I wasn't staying it would be too hard for him to let me go 🤔

Show quote history

He’s insane.

Original poster
Tobbay · 11/04/2025 12:28

Alwaystryhard · 09/04/2025 22:49

You have got to do what suits you and your life and your commitments OP.
He sounds very demanding. And if you were to " give in" and spend time with him against all your inclinations the relationship wouldn't last long anyway.

I just need to say how taken I am with the idea of your third son cat. It conjures up an absolutely lovely picture of him mooching around the house fully aware he has equal footing with your other sons.

Edited

He does 😊 Plus the boys love him like a little furry Brother 😁

OP posts:
Original poster
Tobbay · 10/04/2025 19:00

Thank you for all your replies. I really appreciate it 🙏

OP posts:
BelfastBard · 10/04/2025 17:02

After 8 weeks??! And he’s placing all these demands on you already? Hell no. So apparently ALL of your downtime should now be dedicated to him.
Throw him back.

FinallyHere · 10/04/2025 16:54

Next five days he was very off with me

this is a very bad sign. People can be opposites and yet be good together if they are prepared to talk about things and find a solution.

he’s a sulker. Throw him overboard.

Springhassprungthesunisout · 10/04/2025 16:16

DCat looks well chuffed 😸

Original poster
Tobbay · 10/04/2025 14:26

Springhassprungthesunisout · 10/04/2025 08:30

It's very early days and you should still be at the fun stage and getting to know you. He needs to add joy not angst to your full life. If he's sulking 'cos you're not at his beck and call at his place every day I'd run.
If you're there every weekend are you doing all the cooking, cleaning , washing etc whilst you're there, or are you out on dates and going places and having fun? If it's the former then he's probably looking for a live in mummy/ housekeeper with benefits rather than someone to date. Does he enhance your life?
Let this one find another mummy
🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩

I don't spend me weekends at his, that's what he wants to happen. But its not going to.

I'm very happy at home with my cat 😊

For not wanting to sleep at partners house from Friday to Sunday every weekend?
OP posts:
rainbowstardrops · 10/04/2025 11:24

The more you post about him, the more I dislike him! He sounds suffocating and controlling and not someone you want to be around.
You can do activities with like minded friends/people - you don’t need this creep for that.

ilovemyhamster · 10/04/2025 11:01

Any man who told me I should stop going running would be fired from a cannon as far away as possible. Job done. The end.

ilovemyhamster · 10/04/2025 10:52

StrongandNorthern · 09/04/2025 22:35

8 weeks too many by the sound of it.

Nailed it 👏🏻

Swiftie1878 · 10/04/2025 09:07

Wow! He wants a limpet, not an independent woman.
Ditch. Move on.

AllTheTreesOfTheField · 10/04/2025 08:48

Never, ever tell new men you were in an abusive relationship. Some men take this as a green light to manipulate and eventually abuse you themselves.

This current man is looking to you to financially support him in future when his money runs low/out, as well as provide him with constant entertainment.

Springhassprungthesunisout · 10/04/2025 08:30

It's very early days and you should still be at the fun stage and getting to know you. He needs to add joy not angst to your full life. If he's sulking 'cos you're not at his beck and call at his place every day I'd run.
If you're there every weekend are you doing all the cooking, cleaning , washing etc whilst you're there, or are you out on dates and going places and having fun? If it's the former then he's probably looking for a live in mummy/ housekeeper with benefits rather than someone to date. Does he enhance your life?
Let this one find another mummy
🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩

mnreader · 10/04/2025 08:18

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

Ahmezia · 10/04/2025 08:15

No way! Eight weeks in and he’s already showing controlling behaviour (sulking when he doesn’t get his own way). This is just the tip of the iceberg. Run and don’t look back.

Honeyyourfamilar · 10/04/2025 07:49

Sounds like hard work.

Ownedbykitties · 10/04/2025 07:46

Some people do not have the capacity to see animals as sentient beings. Sounds like he is one of them. He also sounds like he wants to control all aspects of your life. I bet he's jealous of your boys, your running and any activities that you don't put him at the center of. He wants to be adored 🤮That's a big fat ick and also very frightening. I hope by now that you have sprinted far away from him and I hope your little cat boy is feeling better.

Ownedbykitties · 10/04/2025 07:29

JennySayQuoi · 09/04/2025 23:58

To borrow from another recent thread, #catsbeforetwats 😺

GrinGrinGrin Absobloominlutely!

SpryCat · 10/04/2025 06:40

Well done for recognising something was off about his demands and for not giving him your address. After enduring an abusive marriage and having three years of freedom to discover yourself, deep down you know you have a happy fulfilling life and even though at times you might feel alone. This guy has done you a favour, you’re not willing to sacrifice your own happiness, peace of mind and interests to cater to his needs and you are happy as you are x

CharlotteBakewell · 10/04/2025 06:35

Tobbay · 09/04/2025 23:18

Read this when you sent it.... still thinking 🤔😅

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From the outside looking in it only sounds like he adds a negative to your life.

Focus on you now, your family and friends, not forgetting your beautiful cat for continuous snuggles. After 8 weeks he shouldn’t be this demanding, he sounds controlling and manipulative.

Ditch ‘needy Neil’ (can’t remember the MNetter who made that name up but credit to her 😆)

Evaka · 10/04/2025 06:20

Bye bye. Glad you haven't given him your address. You can cut this one loose and it'll be like he never existed x

Bananalanacake · 10/04/2025 06:03

Well done on not letting him go to your place. When I was in a happy relationship for 3 years I made it clear I would be spending every 3rd weekend with my bf as I needed my own space and he respected this as he wasn't a controlling twat.

Livingbytheocean · 10/04/2025 05:14

Why isn’t he working? This alone would put me off him completely, he sounds like a loser with too much time on his hands. Get rid op. You have a great life, I wouldn’t compromise it for him.

WaryHiker · 10/04/2025 03:05

You absolutely should not be dating anyone until you've had some therapy and done the Freedom Programme. This man has been waving giant red flags at you since day one, and it's very worrying you haven't seen them and run for the hills.

You've walked straight into another abusive relationship here and will continue to do so in the future until you work out why you stayed in an abusive marriage for as long as you did.

And for goodness sake, don't tell any future dates about your history with abuse until at least a year in. It just screams, 'I've stayed in one abusive relationship, and I'll stay in this one because I lack boundaries, so treat me as badly as you like.'

Sorry to be so blunt, but you sound lovely, and you are currently very low-hanging fruit for abusive men.

Comtesse · 10/04/2025 02:40

Tobbay · 09/04/2025 23:47

We haven't had sex.. there have been a couple of times it could have happened but he stopped and said he would only have sex with me if I stayed the night as if I wasn't staying it would be too hard for him to let me go 🤔

Show quote history

Ahhh hell no. He’s a weirdo. Keep working on your shark cage. The money stuff is odd too. Wholly unsuitable!