To think therapy culture has gone too far?

That was a terrible case, although it seems there was a kind of gap between forgiving/moving on, and knowing when someone is able to be a safe caregiver.

However, I think a lot of people take the boundary stuff in the wrong way too, and use it to make it ok for them to ignore obligations with difficult people.

But that’s nothing to do with therapy. It’s a magazine/internet pop psychology take on therapy. I have fairly extensive experience of therapy, and none of my good, highly-qualified therapists would ever use those terms. ‘Narcissist’ is a particularly irritating term, and overwhelmingly used on here to mean ‘someone who behaves towards me in ways I don’t like’ in order to pathologise the other person. More therapy, not less, would lessen that kind of nonsense.

I wonder how many of the people who dismiss mental health difficulties so readily on here have ever actually suffered from one, or had a loved one who does? And who are they to decide which sufferers they deem sufficiently badly affected to be considered "genuine". It comes across as people who have no personal experience sneering and making generalisations about something they actually know nothing about.

I am fortunate not to have suffered significantly with my own mental health but I have a partner and DC who have had a lot of difficulties and it is truly awful and very difficult to get any help.

Very few people have access to therapy. There is next to none in the NHS and private is extortionate. Way out of many people’s league and finding a good one is very difficult.

I agree with this.
I also worry that labelling every negative emotion as a condition minimises the true impact of that condition.
How many people say they are depressed when they are a bit fed up. But how do you then describe someone who is suffering with the paralysing effects of depression. The sheer weight of the condition. The times when brushing your teeth is an insurmountable task. When the thought of doing something causes you to panic?
The Mumsnet habit of labelling every partner that raises their voice or swears as abusive. It desensitises us all to the term "abuse" which means that when someone is suffering "real" abuse it is much easier for them to fall through the cracks.

It's hard to get therapy on the NHS. Private therapy is very expensive. So people are probably not going to be using it of they don't need to. I really wish I didn't have to pay a fortune for my teen to have therapy.

Being a therapist, the main thing bugging me is that so many huge companies are monetising from it and promoting it as a magic bullet, at the exploitation of clients and the financial detriment of counsellors. Mentioned no names hetterbelp.

I agree OP. I think tik tok has a lot to do with this. People learn new words and concepts and start overusing them/applying them incorrectly.

As a therapist, I agree with OP.
It's all well and good people saying 'your feelings are valid' or 'that person is a toxic narcissist' or whatever other 'therapy speak' floats around , but many people then don't go on to do anything about it. And then don't actually do the listening to each other.

Boundaries is another one. Have all the boundaries you want, but they're your own responsibility to maintain and put the hard work into emotionally managing.

I agree too. It's really shit for people with actual trauma and abuse and severe life-limiting mental illnesses to be lumped in with Sophie who was sad that one time so must have depression foreverrrrr so she starts an Instagram to "raise awareness" (of herself).

One thing I do personally think is extremely positive though is the upsurgence of people understanding and talking about boundaries.

We live in a culture/society, most of us, where 'but it's family' is the response to every instance where a relative has done something cruel or dangerous or extremely hurtful. You're pushed to forgive and forget. 'Be the bigger person'. 'You'll regret it when they're gone' and all that crap. Someone will complain that their mother has stole a grand off them and blown it on the horses and they want to go no contact and posters will inevitably swoop in with 'wow, my mum died, I'd give anything to have her back, you'll regret this'.

So I do actually think it's really helpful that people are now getting more educated about their boundaries, about standing up for themselves, not tolerating abuse, having the right to decide who they have in their life.

Saw a horrific news story last week where parents had let grandma babysit their little boy, she fell asleep and he went outside and drowned in the pool. The mother was pressured in therapy to 'move on' and forgive, and trust her again and not hold a grudge, so she left her little baby girl with grandma. Grandma left baby in a hot car and went inside to play piano and watch TV for HOURS while the baby died. I did wonder reading that what the outcome would have been if the parents had people in their life saying 'it's perfectly acceptable to not trust her again with your child'.

You could almost say it’s… toxic.

Yeah.

I consider myself a gentle/respectful parent in most ways. All about that validation of emotions, holding boundaries, and modelling healthy responses to stuff.

But I don't think it does kids any favours personally if they grow up believing that no matter how they behave or what they say, their parent is going to be an unfailingly smiley and polite bobblehead that just says 'it's okay to feel sad darling' again and again. I think it's healthy sometimes for a kid to see when they've pushed their parent a bit too far and now they're frustrated or annoyed. That's life, and what happens in life. Shouting at kids isn't acceptable (obviously everyone in the world has done it at least once or twice, I'm talking about regularly using it as communication or discipline), but you don't have to experience being smacked by a four year old and sitting there and holding their hands while talking them calmly down. It's okay to get up and walk away and say you need some space because that was really not acceptable and it hurt and you're feeling upset.

I agree with you, OP.

It's a fine balance, as we want stigma around mental health problems to reduce, but this does and has sadly led to a misunderstanding about mental health.

Being sad about something doesn't mean you have depression. Being nervous about heading to a party with people you don't know doesn't mean you have social anxiety. Being worried about your finances doesn't mean you have clinically significant symptoms of GAD. Millions of people go through traumatic incidents and don't develop PTSD. Millions of people experience bereavement and grief as a normal, natural part of life rather than medicalising and trying to treat it away.

And the therapy speak thing is a noticeable problem. Anyone who is sad is depressed. Anyone who likes to keep their home neat has OCD (or 'is OCD'). Anyone who says something you don't like is a narcissist. Anyone who tells you they have a different opinion is gaslighting you.

I'm quite fascinated by the different approaches and perspectives on therapy. In the US for example there's a real 'everyone benefits from therapy even if you're feeling good, keep going, you wouldn't not take your car to be serviced just cos it's not breaking down', amongst those that can afford it. Personally I think keeping someone dependent on therapy is unethical and the NHS has it right. Offer time-limited treatment to people to enable them to manage their own mental health and then discharge. Long term dependence does nobody any favours.

The rise of self-diagnosis through TikTok has been pretty wild to see. It has spilled out into neurodivergence now too. Anyone who is really interested in a topic is autistic because of a 'special interest'. Anyone who finds it hard to concentrate on studying 'has ADHD'.

The initial responses to @BeSharpOliveHedgehog 's perfectly reasonable thread are the MN Illuminati who live on here immediately responding with criticism at the discussion being raised "again". I'd have been grumpy too.

The default of some posters on AIBU is to be unkind rather than be helpful or be silent. I'm fed up to the back teeth of the horrid posters who have nothing better to do than criticise others.

FWIW, I agree with you OP.

This.

I worry about the bar being set for parents who it seems should never express any human emotion like upset or anger. I know women attempting gentle parenting and attributing every negative emotion they've ever felt to something from childhood and so always speak to their kids in a strange sing song voice no one ever uses. These are people with normal childhoods of the era.

I also know people who had genuinely terrible upbringings but on the whole they are getting on with it and accept that it wasn't right but that life isn't straightforward when you chuck in issues like alcohol dependency and mental health issues.

Parents are humans. They make the same mistakes as everyone else. My dad in particular made some pretty massive errors but he was trying or under other stresses. I'd prefer to understand that side than to pick over what might have been done better because it can't be changed now.

Agree OP! And judging by the poll so do the majority on here! Including a therapist 😂

Some people are rude. It isn't necessarily curable through therapy.

Only if it's the poster's boundaries though.
There was a brilliant thread on here a few months ago slagging off gps who did not want their badly-behavioured grandchildren to stay overnight and there was post after post agreeing with the OP about how awful they were.
TLDR: Your boundaries are healthy and very important. Others who maintain their boundaries to your detriment are selfish and unreasonable.

Agree - my friend has had therapy this last year and it has helped her a lot and am pleased for her for that but sometimes I just want a normal conversation that doesn't end up feeling a bit like I am lectured about something she learnt in therapy....

Can literally just be replaying an incident, like "so then DH was really cross and....." and she butts in explaining that "he was feeling defensive/not having his needs met/etc etc" It's so annoying! Sometimes I am just giving context, it doesn't need analysing!! I knew exactly why he had been cross and it wasn't the actual point of the story! 🙈

Hoping she gets over it eventually when the novelty wears off!

What an original, inspired post OP.

I absolutely agree. I had a friend pathologise everything both in their life and their adult children's lives, even friends.
It's normal to have shitty days now and then...but she'd be labelling it as 'depression ' etc
Also she talked in psych speak...instead of being able to apologise when they caused me upset the language I got back was 'well, I have to acknowledge that's how you felt as it's your words' blah blah. This caused a huge rift as they just couldn't say 'sorry mate....didn't think'.

I also agree OP!

It's nothing to do with therapy and everything to do with people diagnosing themselves online.