Aibu - really worried I’ve started a war

She may have behaved unethically, and you have behaved childishly. You sound emotionally immature, but then, you’re getting therapy so are trying to develop yourself. She doesn’t have that excuse.

I would follow her lead and just stop communicating with her. Trying to bait her in the group was ridiculous. She is not going to come begging for friendship / forgiveness. Stop obsessing about her and delete her number. Have a really hard think about whether an objective outsider would have interpreted what she said and did the same way that you did.

If she has done anything objectively wrong, you can report her. Above all, get a new therapist, outside your community groups.

So I sent her an email about how much I adored my cleaner (a very hot 20 something who is like my surrogate daughter) to see how she would react and she tried to get me to sack her.

You both sound completely deranged.

Apologies I see you left your husband already.

You seem very very vulnerable op. You are in a violent relationship and you really need help with that situation, I would suggest woman’s aid for advice. Re your therapist yes she has crossed boundaries, the relationship between you should be confined to the hour appointment of therapy you have there should be no social blurring of any lines. She should have left any groups you were a part of as soon as she realised you were there to protect herself if nothing else. There is a very unhealthy slant to your posts and you seem very invested in this relationship with this woman. Please get some further help from a reputable therapist to help you move forward with your unhealthy violent relationship with your husband.

So leave the groups. 🤷‍♀️

This 100%.

Agree – the way it was written did seem to suggest something much more dodgy – like the therapist wanted to spend a weekend away with OP – however sending hotel recommendations is crossing a boundary as well. It blurs the distinction between professional relationship and friendship and confuses the relationship. The therapist should be maintaining firm and clear professional boundaries.

No therapist or doctor has ever Whatsapped me hotels. Personal communication outside the appts is not appropriate.

I know very little about therapists/ therapy but your therapist does seem to have crossed a line with you.
However I think you are framing what happened to fit your narrative trying to imply that the therapist was attracted to you.
You say she was suggesting hotels (I felt you were saying that she was suggesting you go away together) but later clarify that she merely gave you recommendation for a hotel in a place she had already stayed in and that you were going to visit.
You say imply she was trying to get you to change your nanny because she was jealous of the "hot" nanny you had. You later say that you confided in her that you were scared you would lose your nanny if you split from your DH and didn't know how you would cope. In response to that she sent you a link for a nanny website.
You imply she was dressing in revealing clothes to attract you. Do you think she may just have been dressing how she likes to dress? She would have presumably worn those clothes all day, not just for your session.
A number of months after your professional relationship ended she joined a couple of local groups you were also a member of. You felt some of her comments were directed at you and so you tried to reach out to her and she didn't reply. This upset you and you baited her. She didn't bite but removed herself from the group. This also seems to have upset you.
You were upset that she contacted your friend in response to your friends request in one of those groups for a recommendation and somehow feel it was about you?
If you are going to make a complaint as others who know a lot about therapists say you should please be careful that you don't lose the importance of what actually happened in trying to exaggerate/ imply some kind of attraction or affair.

To be honest, if I had a cleaner who could sort my sty of a home out, I think I would rank them pretty high on my list of VIPs 🤣. Just look after yourself and don’t open yourself up to drama you absolutely don’t need.
This is really positive; a therapist who has come recommended and who is less embroiled within your close community will be much better placed to support you impartially. Wishing you lots of luck ☺️

OP sounds like a very confused and borderline predatory person. The comment about “whatsapping about hotels” in the OP implies something totally different to what you said she wrote in your follow up. You made her sound sinister and tbh now I’m doubting the rest of your interpretation.

The ex-therapist clearly wants nothing to do with you. I think you should stop messaging her, stop thinking about her.

Btw if you go ahead and report her she will easily show that she stopped responding to your messages and it will look like you are doing it in revenge.

she sounds awful as a therapist. Not professional nor helpful. I’m pleased you’ve decided to report her.

id also ask the regulator if they can signpost you to a resource to help you find a more suitable therapist. You’re going through a terrible time with your ex and seem to have very intense relationships (BFF, cleaner, therapist) which may or may not be helpful to you at the moment. You’re relatively young and starting a new chapter in your life, a good therapist will help you establish healthy boundaries and a strong network.

Did you pay her for therapy sessions?

She needs to be reported.

She is a professional and as such should not be allowing you to think of her as even a friend. If the client tries to cross that line, the professional should shut it down, not giving personal contact details or acceping friend requests etc. and explaining the boundaries in person.

The onus in directing the relationship always has to be on the therapist, because clients, by their very nature, are having difficulties.

She's dangerous and has abused her power in an unequal relationship. She needs to be reported.

You need to just cut her out of your life altogether. Even if she's generally a nice, fun person the intrinsic abusiveness of exploiting the vulnerability of someone she was supposed to be acting as therapist to is sickeningly unprofessional. It doesn't matter that you were willing and happy to participate, it's still abusive because you wouldn't have responded the same way if it had been a normal friendship. Therapists are given a huge amount of trust. We open our deepest selves to them after the briefest of acquaintance because they can help, but she exploited that trust. She is not a good person, no matter how likable she seems.

She crossed a line and you developed an emotional attachment. If you do not report her, you need to block her on everything and get this narcissist out of your life

I completely agree with this.

You sound fixated on your therapist, which is common and I think you should read up and reflect on this. I think she has been unprofessional for instance in messaging you on a friendly basis with a hotel recommendation. However, I also think that its a big reach to think a hotel recommendation for a place you've said you are going to visit means she fancies you or that her wearing 'sexy' clothing (whatever that is) was entirely for your benefit. Also, her being in a community wide group chat for single mothers is reasonable. She has already blocked you and not responded to your further messages so goading her on a community group chat is not fair. The way you speak about your cleaner is also far from normal. I think there's a lot going on here and you need to take some responsibility and gain some insight. I do hope you get the help that you need.

therapists are normally really boundaried. I was told if they saw me in real life they would pretend they didn’t know me and politely excuse themself so to avoid making me uncomfortable. They were really good at explaining how it works.

I do think you should report her because unlike in normal relationships, the onus for maintaining the boundaries is on the therapist. So this level of blur and confusion is a fail on her part professionally.

Was she actually a therapist or someone who did a days course in therapy ?

You say BPS.

British Psychological Society?

They no longer hold the professional registration for Clinical Psychologists. It’s now the HCPC that regulate the practitioner psychologists.

As a psychologist you can become ratified by the BPS but they don’t oversee practice governance any more.

The BACP are the main regulatory body for other therapists/counsellors.

It is essential that when practitioners are registered with these bodies that we report unprofessional or unethical practice. This is so that clients are protected, practitioners are safe and effective and so that we all can retain trust in different professions.

So if they are registered with the HCPC or BACP then please, please get in touch with them. It’s so important.

If she is only registered with the BPS then she may simply have a psychology undergraduate degree (and possibly further qualifications). This is not against the rules. ‘Psychologist’ is not a protected title. Clinical
Psychologist and Counselling Psychologist are.

It’s so important to use these regulatory bodies and if she is just with the BPS please let them know. It’s useful information about why we need better understanding that the word ‘Psychologist’ on its own is not protected.

💯

lf she is a full member of the BPS she is not a therapist although she might describe herself as such but she is a psychologist.

It sounds like she has gone way over the boundary in particular by being in a group Whatsapp with you and telling you not to report your husband - if she actually did that rather than saying you don't have to report him as one among many options. Therapists are not friends but might be friendly, which is different. My therapist might recommend things to me for instance because that's signposting but she'd never let me feel like we're friends, join the same social groups, wearing revealing clothes, choose my nanny (although she would help explore pros and cons of each), make me question the dynamic etc.

I'd report her because she needs to reflect on where she draws her boundaries.

@joao2570 you were in an abusive relationship and this women tooke advantage .
I feel now she is watching you and possibly wants your life . It’s all very creepy.
She has crossed lines and of this was a man I’m sure you would see it clearer or maybe you wouldn’t.

Have you sought out “proper” therapy for your abusive marriage ? It think you need to as you could end up being taken advantage of further more and getting into more abusive relationship/situations

It sounds like you’ve got entangled with her, trying to bait her and second guessing how she feels about you. You also sound entangled with your cleaner - maybe a pattern for you to look at.

The therapists boundaries seem very blurred too and are has professional standards which are in place to prevent that kind of entanglement. It’s up to you whether you decide to report her.

In terms of going forward, either you leave the WhatsApp group or stop interacting with her/baiting her in the groups. In small communities it’s easy to come across your therapist in daily life, she should have ways of dealing with that (eg not messaging you directly, not forming a friendship), but you also need to take some responsibility and leave her alone.