Aibu - really worried I’ve started a war

Well done!
Without sounding patronising, you're young and you sound vibrant but vulnerable. Keep working on yourself and never let anyone cross boundaries again x

(I'm 47 and would still call someone younger then me hot although I do cringe a bit if the hottie is in their twenties 😆🤭😁 but then I get over it. I'm alive, my blood is pumping and I'm not sorry for being who I am).

If she's blocked by you then you won't see her messages and she not yours.

If she is going around speaking of you to anyone then she definitely needs reporting.

By the sound of it she's not acted professionally at all and family or no family she put you at immense risk by telling you not to report your husband.

You must report her and block her from your contacts. Then she won't see nor you anything of one another

There’s not a thing about this thread that isn't ringing alarm bells. 🤢

This, and all the other comments noting the same thing.

I think you need to look at how healthy your relationships are.

Is this a newly discovered interest in women and therefore a bit overcurious? Are you transferring because of the awful marriage?

I'm concerned that 2 women you've professional relationships with you're getting romantic/sexual/intimate feelings for. Being very aware of how attractive you find them and getting emotionally intense and while I absolutely think the therapist was unprofessional I'm not sure your feelings were reciprocated.

"Very hot 20 something who is like my surrogate daughter"

GRIM GRIM GRIM

If she's like a daughter I wouldn't be describing her as very hot.

I think its also shitty to bait your therapist by telling her this surrogate daughter cleaner you have is hot to get a reaction out of her. Cleaner doesn't deserve to be talked about like that because you hope to wind up your therapist to see if she fancies you.

I'm unclear what actually happened with her and if it was a romantic/intimate connection or just some transference from you.

I do think she shouldn't be advising you to not report DV, or advising you how to leave your husband. That was inappropriate and unprofessional and deserves reporting.

But this current you're in group messages but she's ghosting you is... well nuts. You're grown women. And you're potentially reading a lot into nothing, the fact you're checking shes read your group chat messages is OTT. I think you need to ignore her and just coexist. Leave her alone and move on

I’m very close to my therapists - but there are boundaries to protect you both and she made your mental health worse not better. I’m horrified for you

Awesome work OP. Well done.

Just move on

Apologies, I started my post and didn't post it (phone call) for half an hour so I missed your post that you reported her today.

People get very confused by the term 'psychologist' and assume that someone BPS registered is a counselling psychologist (which is a protected term) whereas a 'psychologist' is NOT a protected term. They also assume that someone is registered / accredited with an organisation like BPS has completed personal therapy which is not always the case. Anyone reading this thread can call themselves a 'psychologist'.

If you look for someone BACP Accredited and check that they have completed accredited training they will have done a minimum of 30 hours of personal therapy (much too low in my honest opinion for the work we're doing but that's the current rules, many of us did a great deal more and we are required to have clinical supervision throughout our careers).

Your 'psychologist' is wildly unprofessional and boundaries were blurred. Boundaries are crucial in therapy because they are a safe container for clients who are vulnerable in therapy. However your work with this person is at an end and your posts aren't covering you with glory. You are completely within your rights to report her to her professional body. However your continuing behaviour is really troubling because you are craving her attention without any real self-awareness. I would really encourage you to continue engaging with your ongoing therapy - hopefully with an appropriately qualified and boundaried professional!

You seem obsessed with her and she is sensibly trying to distance herself from you. I think the therapist would strongly deny any sort of emotional affair. That just you flattering yourself.

I agree providing that it is true and that is the whole picture. Reading all the follow ups I am starting to doubt the info given is accurate.
DV is one of my main areas of interest I am very passionate about as a coach and therapist. Therapists can only do so much, you cannot force someone to leave their abuser, it is heartbreaking to watch. Something feels odd to me about this story.

She was inappropriate but it must be odd to have a therapist in the same small community as you. Embarrassing even. You can't really be friends with a therapist, that's not their job. She should have known that, but you initiated conversations with her about your cleaner to "see how she would react", isn't that a bit weird? And why the bitchiness on the group chats? You seem slightly obsessed with her. Hence boundaries being so important in therapy. I'd suggest getting a proper therapist and archive/mute group chats involving her.

Is she a member of a professional body? If so you should report her and she should lose her membership.
She has been unprofessional and behaved dangerously.
People like her give therapists a bad name

This sounds very messed up, I live in a small community and unless I wanted to drive an hour each way for sessions, I had to accept I would see my therapist around the place and potentially in social settings. In my very first session, she told me this was a common issue. How I responded to seeing her was entirely up to me, I could smile and quickly say hello, I could ignore her completely, pretend we had never met if needed etc.
Theirs a fair few years' age difference between us so thankfully we have never met in a situation where we can't escape each other but when we have seen each other in restaurants, school gate, supermarket etc. I have opted for a polite hello as I would with any acquaintance and moved on. I completely trust that if we ever end up at the same party or gathering etc she will follow my lead and remain completely professional regardless as to whether I was crying in her office an hour earlier or not. She is a really cool woman with some shared interests of mine and if she wasn't my therapist I would love to be her friend but not once have the boundaries ever become blurred or have the interests been discussed beyond 5 minutes of small talk at the beginning of a session e.g. 'how was your weekend, I went hiking here ... oh wow I love that hike have you tried this one its similar etc.'
It seems your therapist has let those boundaries blur and that is not a good thing, as others have said it is her job to ensure any mixed feelings do not get allowed to develop into something or become misunderstood.

Regardless of OPs comments about her cleaner, hotel recommendations or anything else, this therapist should be reported for advising a victim of DV not to report a violent crime against her...that's the glaring thing to me...for that alone she sounds dangerous and other vulnerable clients need protecting from her.

It is hard to tell without knowing the full story from both sides. However red flags are definitely up and multiple ethical breeches. Ethical therapists do not tell people what to do, they support the client in the empowerment building process so that they can make their own decisions. However when a client is at risk of harm or harming others there is a professional obligation to act depending on the situation. Very baffling behaviour and I am also unclear as to what is it that you are seeking in relation to her. If there is a case for reporting you have to think not just about this woman's circumstances but also the clients who will interract with her in the future. I struggle to understand from your posts what is happening with the chat groups, however if she happens to be part of certain groups in the community and she does not mention that she was your therapist I don't see an ethical breech there. If you see a local therapist and it's a relatively small community it is likely you will cross paths, what is important here is the conduct of the therapist, maintaining strict confidentiality and appropriate professional boundaries
Also when you talk about vibes, know that in therapy there is the transference and countertransference that are quite normal and clients can perceive these in different ways. Again it is the therapist's job to maintain healthy boundaries and address any such issues both with client and in their suppervision. Definitely more clarity is needed as to what is happening there before jumping to conclusions, perhaps you can discuss it with someone in the know and look at each aspect separately.

WTF.

Why were you emailing your therapist about your surrogate daughter who is your cleaner who you found hot?

This has got to be a wind up.

It's like she is trying to trick the therapist which is so weird in itself. And she comes across like a stalker .
If she has reported her then I hope she understands she doesn't come across very good at all also. Especially towards her cleaner. Who is an employee not a friend.

I'm sorry that all of that happened to you, and sorry that you had an apparently incompetent/inappropriate therapist instead of the support you needed at the time. I'm not even necessarily referring to her supporting you in not reporting your husband's abuse, which could have been a reasonable response in context - but when she knew that her relationship with you was becoming personal rather than professional/objective/therapeutic, she should have referred you to another therapist.

It's completely up to you if you report her, but please just cut contact with her, for your own sake. And stop worrying about what she might be saying to other people about you, because (1) she probably isn't, and if she is then (2) most people have some ability to judge character and probably know full well that a therapist talking about her former patient is not a credible person.

(edited for typos)

You are too emotionally invested with her still. Otherwise you’d be ignoring her and not interacting with her in social media. Be civil in person if you ever collide, but get her out of your headspace generally.

you don’t want drama? then just don’t react to anything she posts on the groups whether positive or negative. Just move on with the help of your new therapist.

My opinion on the therapist aside, this is weird and unhinged. You're being incredibly unprofessional with regards to your cleaner. Look at your own boundaries.

So I sent her an email about how much I adored my cleaner (a very hot 20 something who is like my surrogate daughter)