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Original poster

“Punching the wall is just as bad as swearing”

38 replies

ToddlerSleep · 09/04/2025 17:44

DH and I have just had a bad argument and he’s making out that I’m equally to blame. I feel like I’m going crazy.

We have DS6 and DS3. I worked today and DH looked after them today. DS3 can feed himself with a spoon but often chooses not to, and we end up feeding him.

On to today. DH told me this afternoon that DS cannot feed himself, because he refused to feed himself today (turns out it was something he didn’t want to eat). I said he can feed himself, we have seen him do it, and he will often feed himself when I am doing lunch with him, DH has seen him do it and has praised him for it. DH was adamant that no that’s not true, DS cannot feed himself. This just kept going back and forth. I got angry that he wouldn’t believe me and swore. I think I said something like “for f’s sake aren’t you listening to me, he can feed himself!!” DH got angry and punched a kitchen cupboard so hard that buttons stuck to children’s art work which were on the cupboard fell off. He really scared me.

I told DH to go out for a walk and calm down, he refused saying that it’s his house. I said I would call the police and he still refused. I was scared and sent the children upstairs to stay there, he tried to follow them and said he had a right to access his own children. We went into our bedroom and locked the door, but he kept trying to get in saying it’s his house and his children too, pushing against the door and unlocking it from the outside, and putting his foot in the way so I couldn’t shut it. So I sent the children downstairs into the living room and went with them, and put a chair in front of the living room door so he couldn’t get in, and turned the TV on for them. He kept trying to come in and kept saying not to do this, I am making things worse, it’s his house, he has a right to the children, I’m breaking up the family etc. Eventually I let him in and he apologised to the children and said none of us need to be scared of him and he wouldn’t hurt us. Then he asked them if I also apologised to them for swearing in their earshot.

Then he sat in the living room with us. I asked him to go somewhere else as I felt uncomfortable and he refused, saying it’s his house too and his children and he has a right to sit where he wants. I told him that’s very selfish to sit there knowing I don’t want him there, and he said I’m the selfish one trying to keep him away.

He’s telling me punching the cupboard door is no worse than me saying “for f’s sake”, that it’s no more violent or aggressive than what I said, and that it’s my fault for him reacting that way because I swore, and I did it on purpose to goad him.

Please tell me I didn’t overreact and his behaviour is not normal.

OP posts:
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TheSandgroper · 09/04/2025 23:41

If you don’t remove yourself and your children, this is a view of your future

www.bbc.co.uk/sounds/play/m0029395

ManchesterGirl2 · 09/04/2025 22:09

ToddlerSleep · 09/04/2025 18:55

Thank you everyone, I am reading your comments and digesting.

I know me swearing wasn’t great. The children were in another room. For context, my husband swears at my children at least once a week when he gets angry with them eg saying things like “for f’s sake”, or “stop doing this shit”. Apparently that is justified because he does it when he loses control, but me swearing was not ok because he says I was in control and did it to provoke him.

I can’t believe I am typing this out. I know exactly how I would advise a friend if they told me they had experienced this.

His arguments are laughable then. Him swearing at the kids is fine, but you swearing away from the kids deserves a violent response?

I'm sorry OP, he's a typical pathetic abuser. Make plans to keep your family safe and get away from him.

nocoolnamesleft · 09/04/2025 19:56

Punching the wall is far worse than swearing, because it contains the implicit threat that your head might be next.

Endofyear · 09/04/2025 19:48

It's not ok that he swears at your little children - this is abusive. The punching a cupboard is an escalation and evidence that he will lash out violently in temper. Get out now and get your poor children away from this abusive man.

mathanxiety · 09/04/2025 19:36

ToddlerSleep · 09/04/2025 18:55

Thank you everyone, I am reading your comments and digesting.

I know me swearing wasn’t great. The children were in another room. For context, my husband swears at my children at least once a week when he gets angry with them eg saying things like “for f’s sake”, or “stop doing this shit”. Apparently that is justified because he does it when he loses control, but me swearing was not ok because he says I was in control and did it to provoke him.

I can’t believe I am typing this out. I know exactly how I would advise a friend if they told me they had experienced this.

So sorry OP.

This isn't a decent man. He has a problem with other people's anger but feels entitled to his own. He also refuses to take responsibility for his massive failure as a husband and father and as a man.

I hope you can get your ducks in a row and end this relationship.

grumpygrape · 09/04/2025 19:18

ToddlerSleep · 09/04/2025 18:55

Thank you everyone, I am reading your comments and digesting.

I know me swearing wasn’t great. The children were in another room. For context, my husband swears at my children at least once a week when he gets angry with them eg saying things like “for f’s sake”, or “stop doing this shit”. Apparently that is justified because he does it when he loses control, but me swearing was not ok because he says I was in control and did it to provoke him.

I can’t believe I am typing this out. I know exactly how I would advise a friend if they told me they had experienced this.

OP, you have answered your own question and my advice to you is, if this happened to your best friend, what would you tell her ?

You could go down the counselling route but whether you decide to or not I’d suggest getting ducks in a row. Usual stuff, financials, support organisation.

Whether you decide to report this incident or not, if there is EVER another then you really must report it. He’s already admitted he lost control.

Swearing is bad but physical violence, even to an inanimate object, is a first step, not a final one.

TheBroonOneAndTheWhiteOne · 09/04/2025 19:08

What other forms of physical violence does he subject you to?

I can assure you that your children are very aware of the situation and that they're being damaged by it.

Vannymcvan · 09/04/2025 19:03

Everyone has rows. Everyone gets frustrated with their partner sometimes. Everyone swears.
Only people with massive anger issues punch walls in front of their kids.
He is gaslighting you, making out it was all your fault. It is not. This was his behaviour. He could have walked away. He didn't even let you walk away.
Keep a diary of every incident. Unless he owns this behaviour and gets help, it will keep happening.

Original poster
ToddlerSleep · 09/04/2025 18:55

Thank you everyone, I am reading your comments and digesting.

I know me swearing wasn’t great. The children were in another room. For context, my husband swears at my children at least once a week when he gets angry with them eg saying things like “for f’s sake”, or “stop doing this shit”. Apparently that is justified because he does it when he loses control, but me swearing was not ok because he says I was in control and did it to provoke him.

I can’t believe I am typing this out. I know exactly how I would advise a friend if they told me they had experienced this.

OP posts:
TheBroonOneAndTheWhiteOne · 09/04/2025 18:54

OP you need to stop minimising this, and stop excusing his behaviour.

You and your DC deserve to live in peace, without fear.

Please report this to the police.

Doingmybest12 · 09/04/2025 18:48

This sounds like one of a series of horrible incidents and it sounds like it's escalating. You need to separate and provide your children with a more stable environment. Swearing is not the same as punching a door but the whole exchange is scary for your children.

JaneAustensCat · 09/04/2025 18:47

Me and my sister were the same ages as your kids when my parents argued like this. I was so scared when my father kicked off & my little sister once wet her pants. I'm in my 50's now and still hate people arguing in front of me and get very nervy if angry men get physical with inanimate objects.

If he won't get help for his anger management problems you need to split up.

PS: Not you shouldn't have sworn either, as that isn't a good role model for the kids and didn't help in escalating it, but the loss of control is on him no matter what the 'provocation'.

Watermill · 09/04/2025 18:45

So sorry. I would contact police.

SnowflakeSmasher86 · 09/04/2025 18:44

FWIW my ex who started with punching walls and squeezing my hand a bit too tightly when I asked him to loosen his grip went on to strangle me and bite my face.

Shut this shit down now, tell the police, get him out, make sure there’s a record of his aggression.
It may seem like overkill to you now, but he sounds the type to try and take the children away from you in anger so you need legal recourse if he does.

WaterLoadedGun · 09/04/2025 18:42

Your poor children.

I was in a similar situation and got out for them. You need to see what's going on. Talk to anyone you can about his behaviour and please call the police. They will protect you.

mathanxiety · 09/04/2025 18:41

You should have called the police.

You need to make plans to get away from this man.

He was angry that he ended up looking after his own children all day and decided to insinuate that you're a bad mother to your child. Essentially he picked a fight with you to provoke a reaction, then engaged in a display of rage which was designed to make you think twice about leaving him to parent for a day. He punished you and he intimidated you.

Following you upstairs and then down again, breaking into the room where you were with the children, and then making a big display of an apology along with the statements about his rights and declaring that nobody had the right to judge him by his actions but instead by his intentions is pure narcissistic abuse.

How do you feel about leaving him with the children again?
How do you feel about saying no to him any time in the future?

Do not sweep this under the carpet.

Make plans to separate and leave. He is an angry and controlling piece of work.

AngryBookworm · 09/04/2025 18:40

Another of those posts that start with what sounds like a husband being a bit of a dick and ends up with what is absolutely an abusive situation. Punching a wall in anger would never be okay but chasing your terrified wife and kids around the house is a different level and a healthy person would recognise that if your partner is shutting themselves and their kids away from you in fear, something has gone very wrong. As PP have said, you need to leave this now - it's only going to get worse.

SnowflakeSmasher86 · 09/04/2025 18:40

NerrSnerr · 09/04/2025 17:59

You need to sort this out now. The children cannot live in this environment, imagine how scared they must have felt.

I would book into a travelodge/ premier inn tonight with the children, have an adventure with them. Call the police and report the incident- he cannot be forcing himself into the room with the children etc. I would also contact social services. It's really possible the children will tell someone at school/ nursery anyway so it will go via social services at some point anyway and it's good for you to be proactive to show you're trying to protect them.

I was going to say the same. Get in front of it before your 6 year old tells someone and you end up being questioned about it.

Orangemintcream · 09/04/2025 18:36

His behaviour was domestic violence. You should still call the police.

I would bet my house there are others “things” he does that are abusive too.

Your children deserve better

NerrSnerr · 09/04/2025 18:35

He is dangerous, especially as he is not accepting what he has done. This time he punched a wall, next time it might be you in front of the children.

Please consider reporting this to the police. Your children deserve to live in safety.

bettydavieseyes · 09/04/2025 18:33

Are you scared of your partner OP? Is this the first time it's happened? You locked yourself in a room with your kids so it sounds like you don't trust him?

chattyness · 09/04/2025 18:33

Punching the cupboard door is a violent threat, he's showing you what could happen to you when he loses it.This is the 1st red flag and it's just the beginning, the second one was refusing to leave and asserting his dominance over you in front of the children and now they are scared. Get some help to have him put out and change the locks or get yourself and your children out to somewhere that you feel safe.

Octavia64 · 09/04/2025 18:32

This was domestic abuse op.

i’m really sorry.

Ponderingwindow · 09/04/2025 18:31

Your husband is engaging in domestic violence. Don’t let him try to twist this around into an argument between equals.

you need to start thinking about your long term options. Not only is he likely to do this again, he will almost certainly escalate as time goes on.

Your children will be forming neural pathways where fear is their default response. That is how they will come to view home life. Even if you can’t protect them completely, they need to be in a situation where at least some of the time they are guaranteed a peaceful existence.

Gustavo77 · 09/04/2025 18:26

Neither of you behaved well in front of your children. Ordinarily I'd say that punching a wall is worse but cumulatively, both of your behaviours were dreadful and both frightening to the children. You both need to apologise to them and get your respective acts together so this NEVER happens again!