Making children do extra curricular activities

This OP.

Being forced to do stuff at school you hate is bad enough, but at home too??? Poor kid.

My daughter doesn’t do any because she doesn’t want to. She does plenty of activity she enjoys, and we have a farm.

The only activity I ever insisted on for dd was swimming, until she was competent. As far as I'm concerned, any other extracurriculars were primarily just for fun, so no point if she wasn't enjoying them. She had hobbies that she loved though, so it wasn't like she wasn't doing anything.

I wouldn't force the activities at all, but I would limit the screen time in your situation. Not healthy to spend every free hour on YouTube.

If these friends get little or no access to screens themselves, they will understand it if you say that your DS is not allowed screens either.

I agree with everyone who says the screen time is the problem. I honestly would put the devices away out of sight and say that you agree with the parents of these other children who don't allow them to have screens and from now on you will be doing the same thing. Tell your son that he will be allowed to use his games console once a week at an agreed time (say Saturdays from 9-11am) and the rest of the time he will need to occupy himself in other ways. He needs to find new hobbies, or if he really doesn't want to do anything other than slob around in his pyjamas, become a really voracious reader.

Then when these friends come round there is no console, so they can go outside and play football or go on the trampoline, or they can twiddle their thumbs/play chess.

He’s 9. He’s little. Better to do stuff with you like hiking, visiting museums whatever than create drama through unliked extra curricular stuff. FWIW my 3 hated anything ‘organised’ and they’ve turned out ok

I would tell him he's welcome to choose which activities he does, but he has to do at least two and if he doesn't choose something you will choose for him.

What stage is he on at 9-10y?

My 7 year old has just finished stage 7 and my 5 year old is on stage 5.

At 9/10, I really would have expected him to have finished the stages.

I find it odd that you've had a bit of a hard time on here. It's a very common dilemma... want them to do things, want them to enjoy them, don't want to force them, but a LOT of kids if not 'strongly encouraged' will simply choose to sit at home on screens. It's not a difficult concept to grasp... not all kids are the same, not all kids are able to easily regulate the time they spend online. It's a lot like with food, the folks who say oh it should all be child led, don't make it a battle, let them choose what they eat and how much... clearly have never had a child who would just choose to eat cake non-stop. It's our job as parents to encourage healthy habits, whilst helping them learn what they enjoy and what they might excel at, plus benefiting from the social skills etc.

FWIW I would say you have to do something, you can choose what it is but you have to do something, and if we commit to a term then you stick at it for a term. Screen time would be quite limited at this age, so it isn't that constant crutch that they fall back to fill every empty moment.

I insist on at least one active extra curricular for my children once they are school age, though it doesn't necessarily have to be sports - for my daughter it was circus school for a while, at another point it was scouts, briefly tried orienteering too. And if they don't like the one they are doing they finish out the term/season and can then try something else.

I think it's very important that children are doing something active regularly for health and fitness but team sports aren't for everyone so if that doesn't work for them then have to find something else. But doing nothing is not an option in my house.

what is he interested in OP?

We started with a family gym pass in Feb and that’s working well for us. DD goes with me once a week so we get to spend time together and she can increase her confidence and knowledge and she’s goes once sometimes twice a week with friends. DS and I go swimming once a week and he goes the gym 1-2 times a month.

He already does two activities. Isn’t that enough? My son has long school days, with lots of homework. He does one sporting extra curricular, and Scouts. He runs around, gets exercise etc at both and sees friends. That’s enough for me, and for him. The weekend, he can stay in his pjs and game/chat with friends, as well as fitting in homework. DH usually gets him out for a bike ride Sunday afternoon.

Come summer, we’re at the beach and DS is thus swimming each day.

Sitting around doing nothing is my favourite pastime!

Limit the screen time, and let him decide how to spend his non-screen time.

I grew up with just the family TV, and remember the launch of Channel 4 as the fourth screen option!

I hated clubs, I loved reading. So.i read and read. My brother was into maths problems, not classic literature.

Cut out the screens, and let him decide how to use his time.

I know where you’re coming from OP. You feel there is more in life than lazing at home watching YouTube and you want your son to experience life! Do you offer eg family bike rides at the weekend, maybe with a treat thrown in like an ice cream or cafe stop? What’s his reaction to that?

have you sat down with him for a heart to heart? If he truly does want to just be at home arr there any long term projects he wants to work on like design something or build something…so it’s not screen time all the time?

my son is a similar age (10.5) and does football (one training session a week and one match usually, which he loves), cubs (great -off to a two night camp soon) and swimming lessons (moans but non negotiable). Every few weeks we do park run. DH and I both do sports requiring commitment and I want the children to see that and really grab all the opportunities they can, esp if it keeps them off screens!

Definitely get rid of the screens - really damaging to children.
Drop the swimming if he has reached a good enough level to keep himself safe in the water. (This is what I've done with my children).
Instead of looking for clubs outside the house, maybe look at things he could do within the house such as getting involved in cooking or baking. Then he's having fun/learning life skills but within the house environment. He maybe very different from his older brother/want to do different activities.....

My DS (similar age) would go on screens the whole time if we'd let him. He will grumble he is bored, its the only thing he will want to do.

We limit it nonetheless. Youtube is completely banned. He gets 1hr of nintendo switch with his sister on each of saturday & sunday, they do a mix of mario kart & wii sport. On a friday eve he is allowed to go on a tablet for 45 mins while his sister is in a club - usually at least some of that time is spent on a school homework app.

He learns a musical instrument does swimming, another activity & a team sport.

I find i have to simply block access to screens for him to enjoy other things. Some children find screens incredibly addictive & he is one of them. We've tried everything to encourage self regulation but its pointless and does not work so we simply restrict.

Maybe he’s just burnt out? He might feel differently if he had some chill out time for a few weeks. New football team sounds good - plus maybe a chilled game with you like checkers/draughts moving onto chess?

We have a house rule that if my son has a friend round they need to do something for an hour before even talking to me about screens. We don’t have YouTube so it’s Netflix or switch games. My son turns 9 soon and I have a 12 year old who isn’t into gaming. We got a bit spoiled by her so are working out how to structure this for my son who definitely feels the pull more than she does. And never more than an hour on the switch as it makes him cranky to turn it off.

Agree that putting strict limits on screens might solve the problem. My son whines but then he finds a book or whatever.

Going to school five days a week is NOT being lazy! For some kids that uses up all of their capacity to socialise, concentrate, learn. I think we push adult schedules and expectations onto our children far too often.

Too much You Tube and screen time.
Your DS is choosing the lazy route.
Invite more friends over and do not allow them on screens.

Keep up the swimming.
Visit the pool with some little mates too, just for fun and not always lessons.
Visit the beach.
Make and fly kites together.
Cook together. At 9 he should be able to make simple cakes by himself. Ask SD9 to walk down and buy milk etc.
Make your yard more play friendly. Play ball in local park.
Engage in lego together.
Teach and play Monoploy and other board and card games.
All participate in Parkrun.

Active times don't have to be scheluled but having swimming and one other activity booked in is not excessive.
Making his normal, unscheduled life, more incidentally active is one way to include healthy movement and socialisation.
Once his normal life is more active the other scheduled sport will seem less outrageous to him too.

Where as there is a huge contrast (shock to the body) between sitting watching You Tube alone for hours and playing any short social game of sport.

I think they should enjoy them and want to do them

I think you just have to judge where it's a little bit of discomfort that they will move through, or something that really isn't for them and you should let it go. There was a girl at one of my children's activities who really didn't want to go. Her mother used to tell me she didn't want to do it but "it's so good for them to have an activity". It wasn't fair to her daughter, who looked absolutely miserable and it wasn't fair to the rest of the children who were being held back because they kept having to repeat things everyone else had mastered because she wasn't getting it.
I think screentime limits are a different issue, we don't allow ours to sit and watch YouTube but it doesn't have to be organized activity or TV - they can do other things at home- drawing, cooking, riding bikes, playing ball in the garden?

Swimming too, which is an absolute necessity obviously

I only encourage sports that the kids like

They can try it, if they don't like it, fine.

Mine have tried most stuff - basketball, scouts, tennis and hockey seem to be the favorites

I never forced ds to do anything, didn't even make him go to revision sessions at school. He went for swimming lessons for 2 years from being 5 but was never really interested in being involved in sport at all, we aren't a sporty family. He chose to go to choir at primary school but never wanted to go to Cubs or Scouts, we never had enough money to be able to afford paid for activities. Ds is ASD & his time away from school was his time to decompress & relax, he played with Lego, gamed & read, he wasn't a mixer. He went to Young Carers which was free from being 8 - 18, he is now a trustee for the charity, as he got older spent time train spotting & riding on trains. He is at University now, he got involved with the Green Party from being 14 & is a big activist, has a wide circle of friends. It has never held him back not being forced to to extracurricular activities.

One approach might be, I won't force you to do activities, but you can't watch Youtube all day.

The thing is that YouTube and video games are easy, and easy dopamine hits, much easier than putting out an effort in sports or activities, or even with friends. He gets all the rewards those things give - or he feels like he does - and it requires none of the effort.

He'd either find something else to do at home or he'll be more receptive to other things.

That being said - some kids are pretty passive and you might be better off to try and find him some other things to do. I'd think about branching out from sports. Music, art, scouting, whatever.

It's a pretty common experiences for kids to give things up at about that age, and then later at 19 and 20 to really wish they hadn't, especially when they see other kids doing fun or amzaing things because they weren't allowed to fry their brains on screens for 5 years.

Letting children have TV and console in their bedroom aged 9 is insanity IMO.

We have a few rules - no TV before 4pm (allowed before breakfast during holidays), no YouTube, 2 hours gaming per week total.

If people come over to play they have to do non screen activity first.

I'm strict but you have to be. My DC are 9 and 11.