Active discussions

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To find this disrespectful?

95 replies

Anotherpetalfalls · 09/04/2025 14:59

My adult daughter is 21.
As she is quite clearly an adult where she goes and where she stays is not my business but I do expect her to let me know if she is not going to be home that night so I don't worry if she doesn't turn up.

My daughter seems to be kicking back at this and it is making me cross.
Her latest is to answer my text asking if she's home or out that night with emojis which make no sense and then not further answer.

Aibu or do I need to let go?

OP posts:
Maray1967 · 09/04/2025 15:49

I expected DS23 (when he was at home after uni) to let us know if he was staying out - and he always did. As he always asked if his GF could come round. If he’d been thoughtless repeatedly as your DD is doing, I would have implemented a simple solution. Bolt on the inside door - because we always use that at night anyway. So key or no key, he would not have been able to get in until I’d decided he’d spent long enough outside…

Octavia64 · 09/04/2025 15:44

Well, both my ExH and I used to work in London.

quite frequently one or other of us would go out for the evening after work, have a few pints either done friends and end up missing the last train and either kipping on someone’s sofa or getting a travel lodge and going to M and s in the morning for a new shirt.

you don’t normally plan to miss the last train but it does happen.

so no, I didn’t worry if he didn’t come home and he didn’t worry if I didn’t come home.

my kids are now young adults, and moved out. They’ve both had times back with me in between flats. I gave them a key.

absolutely didn’t insist on knowing where they were. Many times my DS would go to his mates and it’d get to 2am with them gaming and he’d just kip over there with a sleeping bag.

no, I didn’t worry.

Original poster
Anotherpetalfalls · 09/04/2025 15:43

Gogogo12345 · 09/04/2025 15:39

I installed a keysafe due to this. They were younger though. Once they had car keys then house keys went on same ring

Show quote history

Actually that's a really good idea thanks!

OP posts:
Gogogo12345 · 09/04/2025 15:39

Anotherpetalfalls · 09/04/2025 15:37

I actually have plans myself and she's a nightmare for not taking keys. That's part of the reason I had text in the afternoon.
I would have accepted an I don't know yet but I have my keys reply.

Show quote history

I installed a keysafe due to this. They were younger though. Once they had car keys then house keys went on same ring

Original poster
Anotherpetalfalls · 09/04/2025 15:37

JMSA · 09/04/2025 15:19

Next time she tries her emoji nonsense, fire back this!

🆕🏠🔑📦🚚👋

This made me laugh when I was annoyed so thanks 😂

OP posts:
Gogogo12345 · 09/04/2025 15:37

Halfemptyhalfling · 09/04/2025 15:23

She may not have decided if she is coming or not. You need to know if she is definitely coming for meals and quick things in the freezer for change of plan. I think you can assume she will be ok in general. Perhaps get a pet to keep you company and take your focus away from worrying about her.

But she might want to lock the house up if the daughter isn't coming home.

Original poster
Anotherpetalfalls · 09/04/2025 15:37

Halfemptyhalfling · 09/04/2025 15:23

She may not have decided if she is coming or not. You need to know if she is definitely coming for meals and quick things in the freezer for change of plan. I think you can assume she will be ok in general. Perhaps get a pet to keep you company and take your focus away from worrying about her.

I actually have plans myself and she's a nightmare for not taking keys. That's part of the reason I had text in the afternoon.
I would have accepted an I don't know yet but I have my keys reply.

OP posts:
Watermill · 09/04/2025 15:36

I pointed out to my young adult DC that if they lived with their mate Sam, and were unexpectedly not coming home, they would send Sam a message to make sure they didn’t worry.

They agreed, and the penny dropped that I was asking as a courtesy from one house sharing adult to another, not as their parent.

Original poster
Anotherpetalfalls · 09/04/2025 15:24

Octavia64 · 09/04/2025 15:15

I’m on the other side.

fgs let go.

Genuinely curious.

If they didn't come home for days and you didn't hear from them would you still not worry?

If your husband/partner didn't come home and didn't let you know would you not worry.

I wish so much I was like this and didn't worry.

OP posts:
notatinydancer · 09/04/2025 15:24

I wanted to know so I could lock the door.

Joystir59 · 09/04/2025 15:23

It's common courtesy if you share a household with other adults. But- beyond her letting you know if she's coming home or not you don't need to know anything else.

Halfemptyhalfling · 09/04/2025 15:23

She may not have decided if she is coming or not. You need to know if she is definitely coming for meals and quick things in the freezer for change of plan. I think you can assume she will be ok in general. Perhaps get a pet to keep you company and take your focus away from worrying about her.

Original poster
Anotherpetalfalls · 09/04/2025 15:22

Vitrolinsanity · 09/04/2025 15:18

It is a simple courtesy.

im assuming you just want to know if she will be home, not policing the not being home with.

Yes literally just want to know if she is home or staying elsewhere that night.

OP posts:
JMSA · 09/04/2025 15:19

Next time she tries her emoji nonsense, fire back this!

🆕🏠🔑📦🚚👋

Vitrolinsanity · 09/04/2025 15:18

It is a simple courtesy.

im assuming you just want to know if she will be home, not policing the not being home with.

Saveafun · 09/04/2025 15:17

I've got sons 24 & 22 . I don't expect all the gory details but they always let me know if they won't be home, just as I let them know when I'm away and roughly when I'll be back.

That's just a common courtesy of living with anyone.

Pancakeflipper · 09/04/2025 15:16

It doesn't matter how old you are, - it is courteous and about well-being/safety to have some idea whereabouts (dont need full detail) /when coming home.

Octavia64 · 09/04/2025 15:15

I’m on the other side.

fgs let go.

Baggyprincess · 09/04/2025 15:13

If she still lives with you then it’s courteous to let you know if she’ll be home that night as well as a matter of safety.

StormInaDcup99 · 09/04/2025 15:07

This is a safety issue which unfortunately your daughter fails to see.

I must admit at 21, I probably thought that my parents were being a bit controlling when they asked for the same courtesy. Now a lot older, I realise they just loved me and were concerned for my wellbeing

You are 100pc right though....she needs to let you know when she won't be home .....apart from anything else it's basic courtesy and she's being v selfish