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Original poster

Sharing bills

62 replies

LovingTheSunnyDay · 09/04/2025 14:53

This is a strange thing to ask others, but I am so confused. My partner of 7 yrs didn't pay his equal bills share in April. I was waiting politely but I had to ask yesterday because there is a big biannual flat maintenance fee for me to pay ( mortgage is mine). I had no money coming from my child father since Dec and despite working 40h a week I eventually run out of funds to cover it... My partner said that this is to make me more stern with my teenage son and to allow him to cut off the broadband, when my son doesn't do his chores on time. I am so sad, confused and feeling like I am held at ransom. How can he put me in this situation? I am told he will not give me any money, but I really can't go without his share. He agreed to paying ( reluctantly) his share yrs ago and isn't it normal to share bills when living together. He can afford it, but this is apparently to make me change. Why this feels so so wrong? Am I right that it's wrong?

OP posts:
1dontunderstand · 19/04/2025 10:56

He is financially abusing you. He doesn't love you, and why would you want to be with someone who obviously hates your children?

My mum married a man who had contempt for me and my siblings. My brother ended up in care as a teenager and our relationship with our mother never recovered.

Original poster
LovingTheSunnyDay · 19/04/2025 10:54

As per car it's in my name. But if there's no change in him within few weeks,I will just drive it to his and leave it to him. Don't want him feeling good about himself that he bought me car, so why am I upset. I still have my oldie ( I bought it 18 yrs ago) that barely passed mot last year but hopefully it will be ok.

I have to say that I thought about selling that car and using the money. But that's spiteful, isn't it??

OP posts:
Original poster
LovingTheSunnyDay · 19/04/2025 10:48

Yesterday we had prearranged dinner with friends. He told them that he moved out because we have problems related to difference in parenting. They apparently insisted on visiting and he arranged for it at his place ( but he took the food from my place when leaving,that we were going to cook together). He wrote to me that they are coming to his house and I am welcomed or I can do my own arrangements with them. I wanted to see them so I drove there but felt like I was disrespecting myself. It went ok with them and we avoided talking about our problems.

I stayed after but it was so painful, because I see that there is more to it than children. I explained that he is tormenting me and I have to borrow from a friend. But nothing. He said I only want him for paying bills - the most ridiculous thing to say... We cuddled,kissed and I left asking what about Easter, the only longer time off I have, whole four days of. But he was needing his space where he is happy and relaxed. So I am left hanging, with him telling me what changes we need to make. And angry with me that I am upset about not being able to pay bills.....

OP posts:
Original poster
LovingTheSunnyDay · 19/04/2025 10:35

He has told me that he is standing his ground. Sticking up for himself. He feels disrespected and can't let my obnoxious children to have no respect for him. He has also said that he does it to shake things up and to make me realise that he needs the respect and that for years I have done nothing about it. I tried.

OP posts:
Original poster
LovingTheSunnyDay · 19/04/2025 10:29

@Lurker85 I was always shocked by that. Myself being left with grandparents when both parents went separate ways to their new lives, and my mother last seen me when I was 6. However, life is not black and white and my daughter going to dads where she had her own room rather than sharing with brother in my flat, was heartbreaking but she wanted to go. And after partner agreed to pay half of bills I agreed to it.

OP posts:
TwistedWonder · 18/04/2025 11:25

Lurker85 · 18/04/2025 11:18

You let him drive your daughter out of her family home and didn’t make him leave instead? Time to forget about him and concentrate on your kids. They won’t forget all this sadly

Edited

Shocking isn’t it the number of women on MN who prioritise a dickhead bloke over their own DC and continue to chase them rather than be happily single and rebuilding their relationship with their kids.

Lurker85 · 18/04/2025 11:18

You let him drive your daughter out of her family home and didn’t make him leave instead? Time to forget about him and concentrate on your kids. They won’t forget all this sadly

Blackcountrychik83 · 18/04/2025 10:59

Looks like the trash took itself out and your son didn’t need to do that chore after all .

What a horrible , selfish man .

One day you will realise he did you a favour . For now try and enjoy your bank holiday weekend and focus on your kids .

Bonjovispyjamas · 18/04/2025 10:50

ByQuaintAzureWasp · 18/04/2025 10:48

I'd tell him to leave. Nobody would blackmail me, which is what he's doing. He's an excuse for a man.

He's already left.

ByQuaintAzureWasp · 18/04/2025 10:48

I'd tell him to leave. Nobody would blackmail me, which is what he's doing. He's an excuse for a man.

OatFlatWhiteForMe · 18/04/2025 10:41

Is the car in his name? Is he liable to take it from you?

TwistedWonder · 18/04/2025 10:37

He’s done you the biggest favour of your life - why you prioritised a man who treated your DC poorly over then I will never understand.

Please learn from this and raise your bar. Your poor son has had years of his life with this wanker under his roof pulling all the strings with you too weak to stand up to him.

Tootiredtowhat · 18/04/2025 10:31

Speak with Citizens Advise to make sure you are getting all the benefits you are entitled to.

I would also recommend you speak with Christians Against Poverty for debt management advice. You don’t need to be Christian to use them, and they give great advice. But if your debt is unsustainable they may be able to help you.

He sounds absolutely awful and unkind. Best of luck to you.

nomas · 18/04/2025 10:25

LovingTheSunnyDay · 18/04/2025 09:22

Came back from work yesterday and he was gone, all his stuff gone. Just left. Didn't send me any money..... Didn't say a word. Left me a chocolate egg on the table with "to me, love..xxx". Life sucks

I’m sorry OP Flowers

It’s tough right now but this is best for you, he is not a good man, and you deserve much more.

Original poster
LovingTheSunnyDay · 18/04/2025 09:22

Came back from work yesterday and he was gone, all his stuff gone. Just left. Didn't send me any money..... Didn't say a word. Left me a chocolate egg on the table with "to me, love..xxx". Life sucks

OP posts:
Original poster
LovingTheSunnyDay · 11/04/2025 09:27

So today is my birthday. I am at work as usual. I thought he has sent his share so we had a pleasant evening yesterday not discussing anything. I just got message from my bank that direct debit will be reversed. So I have checked my account and there is nothing from him. I have sent him a screenshot of the message. He has sent me a sad face emoji.....

OP posts:
Daisy12Maisie · 10/04/2025 19:01

I’ve said this on many threads like this. My lodger pays me £650 a
month. She is lovely. Really sweet and quiet.
She buys her own food. She is from spare room.com
So if he is playing less than that i would tell him to leave, get a lodger and focus on your children and whatever else makes you happy seeing friends/ hobbies/ relaxing at home. He doesn’t get to decide whether to pay bills or not.

Semiramide · 10/04/2025 19:00

If you are still paying him for the car, stop doing so until he pays you what he owes you.

I hope the car is in your name!

But really, just rip the plaster off and get rid of him. It’ll be better for you and your children.

and NEVER, ever think that the scraps this man has been giving you is all you deserve!!

NB: Women Who Love Too Much is a useful book you might consider reading.

notatinydancer · 10/04/2025 18:56

@LovingTheSunnyDaywhy does he think he can live anywhere for free ?

Original poster
LovingTheSunnyDay · 10/04/2025 18:26

Thank you all for your comments. It helps to see how others feel about it it. I have spoken with him yesterday that it's unkind and cruel to withdraw his share of money for bills.

He has his reasons as stated above, but I think this is more about that he is not a man who can commit, so it's a way of slowly breaking up with me. He has never commit before to previous partners and I assume never will to me. Although I am his longest relationship so far.

It just not easy and it is heartbreaking. Feels like manipulation and controlling me. Wish I was strong, but I am too soft and will continue for now ( if he decides to pay his share) but I am also slowly withdrawing.
Maybe I do deserve better, but I am just unlucky with relationships.

OP posts:
Original poster
LovingTheSunnyDay · 09/04/2025 19:30

Semiramide. I was lucky to get mortgage 9 years ago that was arranged by a lovely mortgage broker after banks laughed at me ( single mother, low income etc). At that time I had child maintenance and tax credits. Now the child maintenance is very small and I have to chase the ex-husband through child maintenance service. I have checked and I don't qualify for anything else except child benefit.

I moved him in because I longed for a family again, but it just didn't worked out as I hoped.

Debts are from living basically on one wage and a bit. I have never been to Spain etc on holiday. Until three months ago I was driving a 21 yrs old car that I bought 18 yrs ago. My partner bought a newer one 11 yrs old for me and I pay him back monthly. I have thought it was caring, but I am confused.

OP posts:
Semiramide · 09/04/2025 19:16

You got the mortgage 9 years ago, presumably because the bank thought you could afford it. So why can't you carry it on your own again?

Why did you think it was a good idea to move this man into a 2-bed flat (!), seeing you have 2 growing children of different sexes?

Why is their father not paying maintenance? What steps have you taken to pursue this?

'Sadly' (?) You have debts. What's that about?

Time to get rid of the controlling freeloader cocklodger and take charge of your life.

arcticpandas · 09/04/2025 19:08

Why oh why are you with this horrible person who treats your children like shit?

Ponderingwindow · 09/04/2025 19:05

Are you really sure his contribution is what is keeping you solvent? If he pays begrudgingly, it wouldn’t surprise me if he negotiated a monthly payment that is less than what it is actually costing you to have him in your house.

Crazyclover · 09/04/2025 18:57

He absolutely needs to go, he is a controlling free loader