To want to visit my SD at her university?

Your fantasy is exactly that- a fantasy. She’s not interested in you; in fact she doesn’t want you around. And you need to respect that if you want a remote possibility of her coming around at some point t in the future.

When I was away at uni, my mum always visited me on her own. It was really important for us to have one-to-one time. Just hanging out with your parent is not the same thing as hanging out with your parent, a stepparent and a young child. Fwiw, I also moved an 8 hour flight away from my family to another country as an adult. When my mum came to see me here, for a week or two at a time, I’d say 3 times out of 4, she’d come without my stepdad. It was wonderful having that time with her.

I mean behavioural issues aside (which sound like longer standing parenting issues to me), if her dad has never even visited her at uni once, he needs to go alone and enjoy his time with her without thrusting hosting his partner and young child on her too. You stay home and look after your toddler, just like we all had to do while partners were away.

@MossLover
I don’t understand why there would be a child care issue. Presumably he can go over to visit when she has an afternoon off lectures/over a weekend & spend time with her. I totally get why she doesn’t want a toddler step sister & you there at her uni. Just go and do something else that weekend.

This
you can travel together. But he has time, lots of it, with his daughter alone,…

she wants her dad, not you…you or dh forcing you into a relationship ain’t going to make it better….back off..be supportive from a distance by asking dh to pass on birthday wishes, congratulations etc…and hope that time will heel. A lot of kids aren’t great at 18 and university..they sort of finally emerge as decent humans once they start working at around 22-23….hang in, stay respectful and it may all come good in the end.

Sounds like it's her father who is being the real twat in all of this. Moving on at lightspeed, moving you in, moving you out, moving you back in during the most stressful time anybody has had in the best part of 80 years, new baby - now he's demanding that you go and hold his hand rather than interact with his own barely adult child.

Tell him you aren't going but he has to (if she wants him to, it's not guaranteed that she does after the way he's treated her since 2018 at the least, never mind how he was when he was on his way out of the marriage).

Yes, that will put it all right. 🙄

It took years for me to develop a relationship with my stepkids @MossLover and that was with a period of years before I appeared on the scene and no more children in the mix.

I’m going to be very blunt here. You’re surplus to requirements on this visit, she needs time alone with her dad with you nowhere on the scene. Not only is it not all about you but you don’t even feature. Give them some space.

You barged into her whole life and now you want to do it yet again so you can have a trip?

Back the fuck off.

She's likely never going to get over it and never going to like you. You and her dad rushed a relationship without caring what it was doing to her. Now you have to carry that.

Haven’t you read stories by people whose parents forced stepparents and half siblings on them ? They are hurt and damaged decades later.

I’m not saying that this is your fault but the parents prioritised their sexual needs over the children which is going to cause resentment. It’s easier to blame the stepparent rather than parent because we are biologically programmed to be more forgiving of their bad behaviour. The truth is that blending families is usually for the benefit of the adults and the kids know it. It’s not you personally- any woman that did the same things would be in your position and I would assume that she’d never get over it. Her parents’ selfish behaviour has probably hurt her deeply and healing will probably mean keeping busy and distancing herself from her parents rather than accepting you in her life.

This is a chance for your h to show that he prioritises her. Showing up with you demonstrates that you are more important to him. Why on earth did he tell immediately go into the childcare stuff? When your child is your priority you make it happen and don’t make the half sibling the reason that it can’t happen. I hope that he didn’t tell her that he’d be bored without you there too. It’s fine for you and your h to travel the days before/after he sees dd but why wouldn’t your h give a day or two to his dd? If it’s not a place where there’s stuff to see and do, can he really not kill some time in the day at his hotel, at the cinema or at a hotel ? Clearly, he can only keep his relationship with his dd with little gestures like giving her some one on one time.

Yanbu to wish that you could visit her but that’s not possible because of her parents actions and you need to accept that in the same way that she accepts that you are her father’s wife.

You’re being extremely entitled. She doesn’t want a relationship with you and has physically moved abroad to create distance between you. Leave her alone.

Her selfish and useless father should think himself lucky that she still wants a relationship with him, and make the effort to visit her and spend some quality time just the two of them. The poor girl was very badly let down as a child, and unfortunately for you and your little fantasy life (which you’ve put no effort into actually achieving), that’s not something she’ll be able to just ‘get over’.

We don’t know when the stepdad moved in or that the same pressure were applied.

Also though sexist stepdads are not expected to do half as much as stepmums so likely his been more just a body in the house rather than trying to be a parent. Does she have new half siblings in that house as well?

Op says girls refused to come. So I wonder either typo or how the who daughter feels also?

It took me until I was 34 to accept my SM. Just so you are aware of time frames.
And my SM was never forced into my living arrangements when I was a child. I was 16 and my dad pretended to live alone for about 6 months before moving in and marrying the woman he 'didn't' leave my mum for within the year.
He handled it shockingly. I didn't see him until I was forced to go to his wedding by my DM, who thought she was doing the right thing.
I hardly saw either of them after that. My relationship with my dad and SM only improved when I had my own DC, and I could see parents were just normal people making a hash of stuff.
At least your SD wants to see her dad. Let her. If you want to really help, push your DH to spend time with her alone, and facilitate that. Make it easy for them. And stay in the background.

Presumably she is there for a few years, so there will be lots of visits. I’d suggest you find a way of dad doing a solo weekend visit ( presumably no lectures on Saturdays and Sundays) and you both doing a trip ( perhaps with half sister but not step siblings) a bit later. And, as Mrs Terry Pratchett said, tell her how marvellous you think she is, what a wonderful role model she is for her half sister and how loved she is.

She's still that girl who's dad left her at the time she needed him the most. I think it will be a long long long time before she does indeed get over it. She will, it might even take for her to have her own kids to get there though. Iv'e seen many people including myself have major issues from being the apple of your dads eye, the princess in the story where your dads the king, to suddenly dads not there and the fairy story implodes.
Give her space and still be the person you are being, supportive and kind.

Just picking up on the fact that the Mum has also moved in with another partner and didn’t take any of this: why is it selfish of the Dad to move on?

Obviously the SD having had therapy suggests there are deep rooted issues here, however unless the entire family unit engaged in that therapeutic process then she essentially holds that unit to ransom - that’s not undermining here needs here: At what point does it become ‘time to grow up’ as another poster put it? She can have needs and boundaries without denying other peoples needs and boundaries. I think this needs tackling appropriately and professionally

Your ‘D’H sounds like a selfish git. Fine when it’s worked in your favour but if this was 16 years in the future and it was your DD this happened to, I suspect you would view it differently.

Yes she’s an adult but I echo what others have said and his needs, your needs were priority. Even this situation, he wants you to go because he doesn’t fancy a few hours alone.

If anyone needs to grow up it’s DH.

If you stayed at home why would any childcare be needed for the youngest because you’d be with the youngest. You should stay at home and allow your dsd badly needed time with her dad. She’s not your dd, you say she feels like your dd…it’s obviously not mutual. You need to put her first rather than thinking of yourself and how nice it would be to have a little jolly. I’m sure your dh can go at a weekend when she’s not in class or if it’s so far that he needs to go for longer she won’t be in class all day and evening. He can entertain himself for a bit surely.

He told her he would love to come visit sometime, but it's complex with having to find childcare for our youngest DD, which of course led to him telling SD that he would bring me along for the trip.

Huh? How come if you are free to go with him and take your DD along you can't look after her at home whilst he goes to visit his daughter alone?

OP, she doesn’t want anything to do with you. And that’s OK, her right as an adult. She doesn’t have to ‘come round to you’, or even gel with her half sibling. Your husband should be v brave and manage to be on his own, when he visits her and she has classes.

She’s an adult now. The time for her to have just her father and your daughter together is over.

I say travel with your husband and daughter and you stay in the hotel while he does activities with her.

She needs to get over herself. Both of her parents have moved on. Her hitting her father is absolutely disgusting and must never happen again.

Who is paying for her University in a foreign country??

She doesn’t like you and doesn’t want to see you.

Bits of her childhood sound miserable, because you and her father prioritised yourselves over her. Ideally, prioritise her for a bit. If you can’t do that, leave her alone.

How much older are you than her? Honestly just leave him to go. Happy families just isn’t going to happen in this scenario. He botched this majorly in the beginning and neither of her parents have put her first.

Unfortunately @MossLover She is unlikely to ever fully 'heal' as you put it.

You already know your introduction to your SD was done very badly and you know you and your DH made a big mistake, but the traumatic effect on an 11 year old, who's had her world turned upside down by a divorce, and then a step parent very shortly afterwards - that can't be undone.

She doesn't like you sadly, and your saying that you see her as your daughter, is probably coming across to your SD as probably making things worse.

She may learn to deal with things and at least be polite with you in a few years. 18 is still young. But in the meantime you need to back off and let her have lots of time with her Dad alone. Do not even think about trying to see her at her University. Personally I wouldn't even go with your DH. She will be upset, if he says to her that you are with him. If you must go for a holiday, go several days later after he has spent undivided time with her. But my advice would be don't go at all. Give the girl space and take on board that she is not your daughter and stop trying to think as if she is? Accept reality, treat her as an adult and accept her boundaries.

I feel for you, so this post is meant kindly. We all make mistakes. I hope things all work out, in time

EDITED TO ADD:
The fact that your DH told her that Childcare is difficult, he managed to also tell her that she was still less important than his second family. He doesn't sound like he would win any awards for Father of the year. What a stupid and unkind thing to say to her

He told her he would love to come visit sometime, but it's complex with having to find childcare for our youngest DD

I didn't understand this either.

He told her he would love to come visit sometime, but it's complex with having to find childcare for our youngest DD

SD hears "Dad prioritises 1/2 sister over me".

Why is it complex to find childcare? Is he the main carer?