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Original poster

To want to visit my SD at her university?

158 replies

MossLover · 09/04/2025 14:22

This might be controversial...

So, a little background. I've had sort of a rocky relationship with my eldest step daughter. She had a hard time getting over her parents divorce, and because my husband had a bad marriage for a very long time, he moved onto me quite quickly afterwards... I had gone away to military training for a year, during which my lease had expired, and having no where to go, I moved into my husband's (then boyfriend's) house. This, I admit, was a mistake, because it was like "Hi, I'm MossLover. I'm with your dad and I live here now." Total shock, big adjustment, wrong order of things-- you probably get it.

It's been about 7 years, two other houses, many apologies and much (ongoing) therapy, and a new little sister since then, and while we've made a lot of progress, she's still not over it entirely (Or, I guess I should say, she's still "processing her emotions" from it.) Every once in a while, we'll hang out as a family, and she'll be fine during. But afterwards she becomes cold and angry towards her father. Until recently, she would even go as far as to hit him. The most recent time this happened, she didn't answer any of his calls or texts for over a week, which was really hard for him, especially since she's been away at university in a different country and she's only back for a short while.

What had upset her was that she asked DH when he was coming to visit her at university, since he hasn't been to visit since move in day. He told her he would love to come visit sometime, but it's complex with having to find childcare for our youngest DD, which of course led to him telling SD that he would bring me along for the trip. (He said to me, "Why wouldn't you come? What am I going to do, sit around alone in {foreign country} while she's in class all day?") So she got angry and started ignoring him.

Obviously they've made up since, and had a heart to heart about it, but I think the feelings will arise once more when the topic of visiting comes up in the future. And on one hand, I kinda get it: going away to university has given her space from her step parents, step siblings, and half-sister, and all the negative feelings that come along with being around them. I want her to be able to have that, with the hope it will allow her to process, heal, find herself... maybe mature a little.

On the other, I would love the opportunity to travel and to see where she's going to school. Even though she doesn't like me or see me as a parent figure, I still see her as a daughter, and I'm interested in her life. I'm proud of her. And part of me is so over doing so much to tiptoe around her feelings. Like, in the past, DH has arranged entirely separate vacations just so he could go on them with both his daughters and our family without SD's moods ruining it for him. I thought we had moved past that, but maybe not.

I feel both selfish and indignant.

Thoughts? AIBU?

OP posts:
Willyoujustbequiet · 09/04/2025 19:09

Rainingalldayonmyhead · 09/04/2025 14:42

Sorry OP no where in your post have your or your husband put his daughter first. You talk about what you both want but not about her or her needs. Childcare can be arranged and he should go without you and your other daughter. He is basically saying your daughter is more important that she is.

Now you say she doesn’t like you and doesn’t want you to visit but because you want to travel you should go and visit her.

Read your post again as if you were another OP or your step daughter.

YABVU and the fact you have to ask tells me that you may need to consider how not to be selfish and put you, your hubby and daughter first.

All of this.

Come on OP. You and your daughter have him 24/7.

How can you have so little insight?

MarzipanAndFrenchFancies · 09/04/2025 19:07

Op. YABU and so us your DH.

Can't you see that, especially having a younger half sibling present will totally change the dynamic. I suspect having you there will do the same.

Let your step daughter share her new life with her Dad. In a way that is totally focused on her. That is the best gift you can give her.

SchoolDilemma17 · 09/04/2025 19:07

MossLover · 09/04/2025 14:49

That's a part of how I feel.. Like I know it takes time to heal from hurt like that, and I don't want to rush her or anything, but it's also been years and years. It's hard to wait and be so divided.

Show quote history

Don’t be ridiculous. Her DF prioritised you over his DC and she should just get over it because she is 18 now? Please don’t visit her, she doesn’t want you in her life, she wants her DF. Maybe he could make an effort for a change? I am sure you can manage your child alone for a few days or do something else on the holiday.

ohdearagain2 · 09/04/2025 19:03

When someone doesn’t want you in their life and you insist on being in anyway - it’s not a good foundation for any relationship.

sometimes if you hold someone tonight they feel suffocated and want to pull away.

whatever age your youngest daughter - she has two parents and your husband saying there is not childcare for her is clearly just a manipulative way to get his daughter to accept you coming on the trip. No wonder she is upset.

EvelynBeatrice · 09/04/2025 18:43

If I were you I’d encourage him to go and do all you can to smooth his path. I’d make him take a lovely or useful gift from you with a note to say you didn’t come because you didn’t want to intrude on father daughter time but hope she’s having a good time and here’s a wee gift. PS I miss having you around.

EvelynBeatrice · 09/04/2025 18:40

Your husband’s stance is odd to me and perhaps the route of the problem. My children’s father would jump at the chance - walk over glass - to see any of his kids at uni. Nothing would stop him especially if they were far away and he hadn’t seen them for a while. Sounds to me like he’s very detached. Not sure you’re the issue. Poor girl.

Pinepeak2434 · 09/04/2025 18:27

It’s all we we we , allow her some time with her father. It sounds as if you don’t really like them spending 1:1 together. I don’t understand why you need to see the uni apart from the fact you’d just like to, and that comes across as just wanting to sabotaging her time with her father. It’s quite healthy to do things separately sometimes.

goldenretrieverenergy · 09/04/2025 18:17

I think YABVU to force yourself on her when she made it clear she doesn’t want to have any relationship with you.

In ideal world you would all get along, but she is an adult and she doesn’t live at home. You should not stop your DH seeing his daughter without you. It’s not fair.

Daisyvodka · 09/04/2025 18:13

The fact your husband even suggested it, with the history as it is and the relationship as it is, means he hasnt actually bloody learnt anything?!? What on earth is he playing at. He's getting annoyed he can't have the family he thinks he should have, rather than working with the one he does have which has cracks in it that he created. She needs bloody space - especially now!

AroundTheMulberryBush · 09/04/2025 18:09

DelphiniumBlue · 09/04/2025 15:26

DH doesn't seem to be getting it.. his DD asks when is he going to visit ( meaning that she wants to see him) and he starts moaning about difficulties and who he's going to bring with him and childcare responsibilities.. she doesn't want to hear all that, she wants to see her dad, and for him to want to to see her.
Why can't he just pop over to wherever it is for a few days? Bringing you and the baby just complicates things, it means he won't be able to just hang with her, it means she won't be put first even for 24 hours. It'll be about the little sister's routine, your likes and dislikes or preferences, and not hers.
Tell him to go alone.

Exactly all the childcare excuses are just another reminder that this new child is being put above his DD.

Newgirls · 09/04/2025 18:05

Total no brainer this one. Your DH needs to visit his daughter alone.

She invited him not the whole family. She is an adult and it’s up to her who she sees.

Sounds like he’s already messed it up by over complicating it 🤷‍♀️

WhatNoRaisins · 09/04/2025 18:03

Obviously we don't have this 18 year olds perspective so can only speculate but I suspect the only hope of anything getting better here is for her dad to make the effort to spend some one on one time with her.

Otherwise it's like that definition of insanity as doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results.

Springbirds · 09/04/2025 18:01

Muffinmam · 09/04/2025 15:46

She’s an adult now. The time for her to have just her father and your daughter together is over.

I say travel with your husband and daughter and you stay in the hotel while he does activities with her.

She needs to get over herself. Both of her parents have moved on. Her hitting her father is absolutely disgusting and must never happen again.

Who is paying for her University in a foreign country??

Show quote history

You think to one time with parents is over at eighteen? That’s a bit odd

jeaux90 · 09/04/2025 17:59

I’m baffled by this too. I wouldn’t go with my partner to visit his son at university as those are 1-1 moments. It sounds like your DH really needs that 1-1 time where she feels prioritised and Lord knows she wasn’t when her father decided it was a good idea to move you in.

rookiemere · 09/04/2025 17:52

It’s perfectly normal for one DP to visit their DC at uni even for non blended families. If you come with young DD the focus shifts from DSD to making sure the young DC is fed and watered and getting her back to accommodation for bedtime. Conversely I think stepping away here and encouraging DH to go on his own will ultimately bring you closer in the long run, or at least get her to respect you more. Plus you can use the funds on a short break for you and DD instead so good all round.

2024onwardsandup · 09/04/2025 17:51

ItGhoul · 09/04/2025 17:35

"I can't visit you, my daughter, because it's hard to find childcare for your half-sister."

"Well, maybe you could come and see me on your own, then, while half-sister stays at home with her mother?'

"No, sorry, I'm not coming to you see you, my daughter, because you're not important enough to me to have a few days away from my wife.'

That's basically the message your DH has sent to his daughter, even if he didn't mean to.

Also this

and I imagine that the ops husbands primary thinking was about what was lost convenient and fun for him

alwaysdeleteyourcookies · 09/04/2025 17:51

FrozenFeathers · 09/04/2025 17:01

To you it has been years, to her this is her childhood that she will never get back. Her father created a family with another woman who is not her mother. He has moved a stranger into what was also her house. When she invites him to a place that now has a big significance in her life, he doesn't want to go without his new family, giving her once again the message that she is not that important to him and that she has been replaced. Of course she is angry. Who wouldn't be?

OP, if this had happened to you or to your husband, neither of you would have gotten over it. Your childhood is only once in your life. If it gets ruined because your parents are either feckless or selfish or through factors beyond anyone's control, then there is no way to set to right. It's a lost opportunity and a permanent wound, which may fade overtime, but will never disappear.

Show quote history

Well said.

2024onwardsandup · 09/04/2025 17:50

MargaretThursday · 09/04/2025 17:37

She wants to show her dad where she's living and feel that she is important to him.
His reaction of "Why wouldn't you come? What am I going to do, sit around alone in {foreign country} while she's in class all day?" has told her exactly where she is.
She wants to feel he wants to come to see her, not have a holiday with his nice new family and drop in and see her as an aside.

He needs to go on his own and show her that he's thrilled she's there and how exciting he finds her new opportunities.

THIS

also op - don’t delude yourself it’s not entirely possible he’ll do the same thjng to you and your child one day….

alwaysdeleteyourcookies · 09/04/2025 17:49

Secularbeaver · 09/04/2025 14:39

Probably going against the grain here but presumably she's 18, she needs to grow up and get over it.

She's 18, and the fact that she doesn't want to see OP should be respected. I'm baffled It's even a question.

SnoopysnoopDog · 09/04/2025 17:45

It's time with her dad she wants. She'd like some of his undivided attention, just for her. Sounds like she hasn't had it for years. Blended families can work, but I think there should be an acknowledgement that the blood ties need some special attention at times, away from the enforced bonding with everyone else.
It doesn't matter how old a child of a parent is - including well into adulthood - they still want some one-to-one time with their parents. Otherwise they feel pushed out, and that they've just been forced to accept a situation.
So while your SD is an adult now, her needs when she was a child were ignored. She feels rejected by her dad, and probably always will unless he takes time to spend with her. After that she might want to spend some time with you, but it could take years.

MargaretThursday · 09/04/2025 17:37

She wants to show her dad where she's living and feel that she is important to him.
His reaction of "Why wouldn't you come? What am I going to do, sit around alone in {foreign country} while she's in class all day?" has told her exactly where she is.
She wants to feel he wants to come to see her, not have a holiday with his nice new family and drop in and see her as an aside.

He needs to go on his own and show her that he's thrilled she's there and how exciting he finds her new opportunities.

ItGhoul · 09/04/2025 17:35

"I can't visit you, my daughter, because it's hard to find childcare for your half-sister."

"Well, maybe you could come and see me on your own, then, while half-sister stays at home with her mother?'

"No, sorry, I'm not coming to you see you, my daughter, because you're not important enough to me to have a few days away from my wife.'

That's basically the message your DH has sent to his daughter, even if he didn't mean to.

Rainingalldayonmyhead · 09/04/2025 17:12

Sorry but to the people who posted here….I feel astounded that people can think so little of the damage their choices make on their children. How can people be so wilfully negligent? That kid is scarred for life and it’s all just supposed to magically be okay because now they are an adult?

Sure bad things happen beyond anyones control happen, but this was wilful, continued and frankly selfish. I feel so sorry for the daughter in all this.

Ravenwitch · 09/04/2025 17:07

So she was 11 when her parents split up. You moved in very quickly.
Her mother has a new partner now so step family.
You have a baby in her teenage years.
She probably doesn’t like you. Leave her alone to have a relationship with her own father.
I think it’s you who needs to grow up. Poor girl.

FrozenFeathers · 09/04/2025 17:01

MossLover · 09/04/2025 14:49

That's a part of how I feel.. Like I know it takes time to heal from hurt like that, and I don't want to rush her or anything, but it's also been years and years. It's hard to wait and be so divided.

Show quote history

To you it has been years, to her this is her childhood that she will never get back. Her father created a family with another woman who is not her mother. He has moved a stranger into what was also her house. When she invites him to a place that now has a big significance in her life, he doesn't want to go without his new family, giving her once again the message that she is not that important to him and that she has been replaced. Of course she is angry. Who wouldn't be?

OP, if this had happened to you or to your husband, neither of you would have gotten over it. Your childhood is only once in your life. If it gets ruined because your parents are either feckless or selfish or through factors beyond anyone's control, then there is no way to set to right. It's a lost opportunity and a permanent wound, which may fade overtime, but will never disappear.

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