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AIBU?

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Original poster

DS(8) not invited to party

562 replies

idontunderstandwhy · 09/04/2025 14:01

Dh used to compete and be a sports coach so we have a section of our garden built up and dedicated to that sport. He just teaches our dc and they play there now.

Ds has mostly had garden parties and then and on play dates his friends play there also.

Mum of one of his friends at a past play date mentioned her ds would love to learn do the sport and do something like this for his birthday but couldn’t find anywhere near.
Dh said that he’s welcome to come and practice whenever and actually could have party here if she couldn’t find anywhere else.

It was then agreed her ds could have his party in our garden and borrow equipment we had but that obviously over wise party organising is her responsibility. She has other entertainment, food arranged ect, party is quite soon.

She’s now said that she doesn’t think my DS should come as she’s worried the fact it’s his house/garden and he is good at the sport will take the shine of her DS and people will think it’s my DS’s day instead. And as it’s an out of school friend he would only know a few of kids anyway.

She never specifically said ds was invited we just assumed and we probably agreed based on that assumption.

I don’t think its fair to have ds locked in the house or taken out when his friends and boys his age playing in our garden and am shocked she thinks this is an okay suggestion.

AIBU it’s only fair ds goes?

OP posts:
mangomaggie · 10/04/2025 12:51

I think you say it cannot be the case that your own son can't attend something in his own back garden and are sure she'll understand. She can pay and do a different party if not

Aworldofwonder · 10/04/2025 11:57

What an utter cow she is. I'd be so tempted to fuck her and her party off but after some deep breaths I'd do the same as you OP for my child's sake - I'd let her go ahead with DS now included and pretend to believe it was a misunderstanding.

However I'd make sure she cleaned the annexe and garden and I wouldn't give her the time of day after this.

murasaki · 10/04/2025 11:29

TheCountofMountingCrispBags · 10/04/2025 09:52

@murasaki
All done! Wasn't as bad as I expected, altho' I look like a hamster at the moment...!

Glad it wasn't too bad. I have dentist phobia so the delay would have really stressed me out.

TheCountofMountingCrispBags · 10/04/2025 09:52

@murasaki
All done! Wasn't as bad as I expected, altho' I look like a hamster at the moment...!

bigboykitty · 10/04/2025 09:25

I would be clear with your H that should she seek to repeat this next birthday, the answer will be a firm no.

Needspaceforlego · 10/04/2025 08:30

treesandsun · 10/04/2025 00:14

Totally agree - bet she saw her free venue which had been kindly offered as a favour disappearing for her child because of her appallingly rude behaviour. The absolute brass neck of her..

Show quote history

Yip and really she knew she needed to back track. There was no other reasonable response to that message.

But id be wary of offering your garden up for parties again.

And i hope nothing gets damaged

ExpressCheckout · 10/04/2025 08:23

idontunderstandwhy · 09/04/2025 20:34

This is roughly what I said.
she has backtracked and apologised saying she wasn’t not inviting him just worried about how party being at DS’s house would affect the day for her DS

Show quote history

Well, there is a glimmer of self-awareness there, I suppose. At least you now know not to involve her in any of your plans in future. Just be mindful to allow things to flow naturally at the event and don't subconsciously allow her DS to 'win' etc. If your boy wins, he wins.

MrsElijahMikaelson1 · 10/04/2025 08:01

GRex · 09/04/2025 14:52

she doesn’t think my DS should come as she’s worried the fact it’s his house/garden and he is good at the sport will take the shine of her DS and people will think it’s my DS’s day instead

This is amazing. I'd have an awful lot of responses. As your preferred option is DS going, I'd keep it clear and simple.

"It looks like you've mixed up a favour we offered for our son's friend with you having the right to exclude our family from access to our garden. It's entirely your decision who you invite to [your DS]'s party, but you will not hold an event at my son's home while excluding him from the party, that would obviously be bonkers. Let us know your decision once you've had a moment to think."

This ^^ you need to state the bleeding obvious here.

And make this the last offer too. You don’t want other CFs thinking you’re a free party venue! I’d be rescinding your kind DHs offer for the kid to practice at your place to

Iamnotalemming · 10/04/2025 07:53

Well done OP. You're a good Mum and I doubt you'll be doing this woman any favours again in the future.

On the day of the party please also make it clear that she is expected to clean up fully afterwards.

Movingonup313 · 10/04/2025 07:40

The attitudes of some mums is just bonkers. Did she vet the skills base of the other attendees to see if they were of a lower quality/range than her own son?! I see she has now back tracked. I'd be keeping my distance after the party. She is not share your values. You extended generosity and she has slapped you in the face - twice - the first text and the insulting back track. If your son shines then so he should - so long as he appropriately takes turns and is a good team player. (Or maybe stick a plaster cast on vital limbs for the day..... joke)

CautiousLurker01 · 10/04/2025 07:37

StopGo · 10/04/2025 06:32

Are you adequately insured and risk assessments in place?

I genuinely think this shoud be a concern.. for example, if it’s cricket every child needs a groin guard and helmet; if its quad biking then similar if its archery then again there needs to be safety equipment and supervision. Also, have you made arrangements to be reimbursed if any of the equipment gets damaged? or is your husband expected to supervise/lead when his son is not there?

I think it was lovely of your DH to offer the space etc for the party, but I really do think you risk being very exposed if there are any issues and the was CF mum has behaved indicates she’s high risk for likely calling foul if anything goes wrong.

I truly would go back to her, even if she has backtracked on DS attending, and state that you realise now that it is too big a risk for you to allow her to hold her event and withdraw the offer.

Flamingoknees · 10/04/2025 07:35

The garden is no longer available due to your utter rudeness, entitlement and cruel behaviour towards our son.
Piss Off (optional).

Traybake4 · 10/04/2025 06:40

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Traybake4 · 10/04/2025 06:38

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StopGo · 10/04/2025 06:32

Are you adequately insured and risk assessments in place?

CrispieCake · 10/04/2025 06:29

idontunderstandwhy · 09/04/2025 20:34

This is roughly what I said.
she has backtracked and apologised saying she wasn’t not inviting him just worried about how party being at DS’s house would affect the day for her DS

Show quote history

I think I'd reply to this "You know your DS best so we'll totally understand if you'd prefer to make other arrangements."

Trendyname · 10/04/2025 05:33

idontunderstandwhy · 09/04/2025 20:34

This is roughly what I said.
she has backtracked and apologised saying she wasn’t not inviting him just worried about how party being at DS’s house would affect the day for her DS

Show quote history

If she is that worried than they have to do something else.
Or she can teach her son that it's not all about shine, it's not a competition. This activity is for him to have fun.

Trendyname · 10/04/2025 05:26

SlightlyJaded · 09/04/2025 14:57

This is one of those occasions where honesty is best

Hi CF

I am gong to cut to the chase and tell you that I honestly had to read your message twice to be sure I hadn't misunderstood. Now that I am clear on your suggestion, I am having to think about where to go from here. I realise it will be very difficult for you to arrange a new venue at this short notice and that it would be a shame for your DS to have his party upended, but did you really think that it was okay to exclude XXX whose home it is? Whose equipment you are borrowing? Who is friends with your DS? Who is looking forward to the party? Just because he might take the 'shine' off your DS? Seriously?

What did you think would happen? That he would sit in his room watching one of his friends and other boys jumping around in his garden knowing he wasn't allowed to join in?

I am going to do the fairest thing I think I can do, and put the ball back in your court. Leaving DS out becuase he is 'too good' at the activity is not an option for us, so please let me know how you'd like to move forward.

Thanks
OP

I agree. Also, her son is only 8. This is an opportunity for her to build her son's self esteem and teach him it's more about experience and efforts than competition.

Morph22010 · 10/04/2025 03:55

This would make me really wary about letting her use the garden, equipment and facilities and the respect she is going to show for them and potentially what state they may be left in after.

most people would be falling over themselves to be grateful for you kind offer, so inviting your son, being careful over property, cleaning up after and not putting you to any trouble at all etc. the fact that she hasn’t invited your son shows she doesn’t appreciate your offer to these levels. I’d be even more worried as now effectively becuase she’s agreed for your son to go she may feel that she’s the one that’s doing you a favour rather than the other way round and the potential implications of that

Petra42 · 10/04/2025 03:18

@idontunderstandwhy so have you cancelled it or not?

Gremlins101 · 10/04/2025 01:31

justkeepswimingswiming · 09/04/2025 14:12

I would just say it’s ds home & garden so he’ll be there, if she doesn’t like that then she needs to find another venue. Cheeky mare!

I agree. Your son doesn't need to be invited... its his garden! She'll just have to get over it.

user1492757084 · 10/04/2025 00:56

Thankfully it has worked out some what.
I think that is the best outcome for your son.

Good on you, Op, for keeping your cool.

LiesDoNotBecomeUs · 10/04/2025 00:40

She is unreasonable - you are not.
After all, your son is one of the hosts for her son's party. Of course the host gets to be present - and thanked.

LilyJosephine · 10/04/2025 00:30

Wow, oh wow. Was she hoping your DS would just go out for the day even though there’s a kids party at his house? And that she’d have free run of your house and garden to herself? 🤣

I get overprotective mothers (I am one too) but surely by that age he’ll have learnt that others might be better at some things than he is. They aren’t toddlers anymore. If they’d gone to laser tag or paintball or something for his birthday instead and your son won that, would it have ruined his birthday too?

Glad for your son’s sake that she’s backtracking now OP. Most likely it’s that her son is worried that he could look inept in front of other friends he wanted to impress (maybe new friends/slightly older lads?) compared to your DS, and for some reason his Mum decided to come to you rather than reassuring her son that it shouldn’t matter/will just be some fun. Hopefully it was just a one off from her and she’s not normally like this.

RawBloomers · 10/04/2025 00:28

How plausible is her excuse, OP? Is there any way to reread her original message in the way she now claims she intended it?

Not that it makes any difference to the party, but it might be inform the way you treat moving forward.