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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DS(8) not invited to party

562 replies

idontunderstandwhy · 09/04/2025 14:01

Dh used to compete and be a sports coach so we have a section of our garden built up and dedicated to that sport. He just teaches our dc and they play there now.

Ds has mostly had garden parties and then and on play dates his friends play there also.

Mum of one of his friends at a past play date mentioned her ds would love to learn do the sport and do something like this for his birthday but couldn’t find anywhere near.
Dh said that he’s welcome to come and practice whenever and actually could have party here if she couldn’t find anywhere else.

It was then agreed her ds could have his party in our garden and borrow equipment we had but that obviously over wise party organising is her responsibility. She has other entertainment, food arranged ect, party is quite soon.

She’s now said that she doesn’t think my DS should come as she’s worried the fact it’s his house/garden and he is good at the sport will take the shine of her DS and people will think it’s my DS’s day instead. And as it’s an out of school friend he would only know a few of kids anyway.

She never specifically said ds was invited we just assumed and we probably agreed based on that assumption.

I don’t think its fair to have ds locked in the house or taken out when his friends and boys his age playing in our garden and am shocked she thinks this is an okay suggestion.

AIBU it’s only fair ds goes?

OP posts:
Original poster
idontunderstandwhy · 09/04/2025 14:45

We have an annexe where adult SC used to live where people would use the bathroom and food could be kept.

OP posts:
XWKD · 09/04/2025 14:44

"It's not up to you to decide who I let play in my garden."

Hydwangea · 09/04/2025 14:44

She’s nuts. Definitely rescind the offer

PrincessScarlett · 09/04/2025 14:44

That's a very good point about a child getting injured using the sports equipment. I would have not even entertained the idea of running a sports party. There's a reason these trampoline parks and the like get customers to sign a disclaimer. I would be looking into this as a matter of urgency. Also, what if the kids break your DHs equipment?

Not to mention this mum is a complete CF having a party at your house and using your DHs equipment and not allowing your son to attend. Is she even paying you?

SouthLondonMum22 · 09/04/2025 14:42

idontunderstandwhy · 09/04/2025 14:31

Just to be clear ds know when party is and thinks he’s invited (as we assumed he was), he’s excited.
I wasn’t planning on telling him he wasn’t invited and if we cancelled he would be upset and we would have to give him a reason or he’d hear it from friend at club.
ds is obviously my priority, I just think it might be easier for him if he was reluctantly invited but didn’t know that than if we cancelled the whole thing last minute because he wasn’t wanted there.

I'd be concerned about how the party is going to go if the birthday boys mother has had no issues with telling you that he actually isn't invited. What is she going to do at the party when your son is joining in, better than her son and takes the ''shine'' off of him?

It certainly isn't going to be anything positive for your son and in his own home too.

ChateauMargaux · 09/04/2025 14:42

Or - gosh, that reframes things somewhat - I think this could mean we might be responsible for any injuries or accidents that happen in our garden while we were not present. I am sorry - I don't think we would be comfortable with this arrangement.

Hwi · 09/04/2025 14:42

TheaBrandt1 · 09/04/2025 14:30

Who is more important her or your son? When you are 80 who will be sitting with you? Her or your son? Fuck her basically op keep your perspective.

Judging by the outrageous attitude to MILs displayed on MN, nobody will be sitting with the OP when she is 80, well, certainly not her son - if the society functions the way it does now, the DIL would be commended here, on MN (if it still will be going strong) for 'keeping the boundaries, even on mother's day' and the OP will be in a home, together with the cf woman in question, if they stay in the vicinity (care homes will all be municipal and free by then with our lovely communist government).

AlwaysPerfumed · 09/04/2025 14:42

I understand where you are coming from and the heartache it will cause your son if you tell her to take the party elsewhere.

On that basis, I would go ahead with the original plan but that would then be the end of the penny section and her child would not be coming along to practice the sport at any other time.

You must tell her that the party may go ahead-thus letting her know that you were considering cancelling it-but your son will be attending and you don't expect him to be treated any differently from the rest of the guests.

I would also be putting firm start and end times on this party, as you don't want her sitting around drinking wine with selected friends when the party is finished.

notacooldad · 09/04/2025 14:42

Dont be such a bloody wet lettuce and let her take the mick.
You are going to have all these people in your garden presumably traipsing in and out to the toilet using your sports equipment etc.
I would message her saying ' Are you for real? you want our john to stay in while his mates are having a party in our garden!
Please find another venue. The party is not happening here.

I would tell your son why as well. I would let him know that it's because he is so good at the sport. No point lying. Stories will come out that you were a meanie, he may as well have the truth.

AyeDeadOn · 09/04/2025 14:41

Cheekiest fucker ever! I'd love to cancel if it were me but I'd take a breath, calm down and do what's best for your son, whatever that is. Probably I'd reply "Are you seriously suggesting I ban my son from his own garden because he is good at (insert activity)? No chance! Im sure (her sons name) will cope. " and see what she comes back with.

WavyRavey · 09/04/2025 14:41

Wow that's horrible!

ChateauMargaux · 09/04/2025 14:40

Wow Marjorie, this is rather awkward - did you think this through? So you think it would be entirely reasonable that DS would know his friend's party was going on, in his own back garden, but he would not be invited? I hope that it is because you were not thinking rationally, that we can agree that it was a thought that should never have been voiced and we can pretend it never happened.

But maybe TravellingJack's approach is better..

TheMasterplan23 · 09/04/2025 14:40

I’d tell DS to go out and play in HIS garden anyway. If she says anything just say loudly “oh he’s not at your party….he’s just playing with HIS stuff in HIS garden”

CF of the highest order.

murasaki · 09/04/2025 14:39

idontunderstandwhy · 09/04/2025 14:31

Just to be clear ds know when party is and thinks he’s invited (as we assumed he was), he’s excited.
I wasn’t planning on telling him he wasn’t invited and if we cancelled he would be upset and we would have to give him a reason or he’d hear it from friend at club.
ds is obviously my priority, I just think it might be easier for him if he was reluctantly invited but didn’t know that than if we cancelled the whole thing last minute because he wasn’t wanted there.

Her son might tell him he wasn't invited. At the party. That would be awful.

ThisIsMyYearToFindMyself · 09/04/2025 14:39

MasterOfOne · 09/04/2025 14:13

I'd seriously judge you more for letting this CF walk all over you and your family/home

I think sometimes people or situations are so off the wall that you get bewildered and frozen by it and it almost turns back full circle.

Normal manners would mean this sort of thing was not even thought of, let alone spoken out loud to the OP, so when you have someone saying it to your face it doesn’t initially strike you as rude, it just confuses you until you get someone else’s response and it shakes you into action.

Paganpentacle · 09/04/2025 14:39

HoppingPavlova · 09/04/2025 14:10

Party is very soon and would be putting her out a lot to cancel. I think the most reasonable option would be to just insist it’s only fair that ds gets to go and I think she would agree to that above cancelling the whole party

How could you even look her in the face at the party after that stunt though? I’d now naturally look like a sucked a lemon whenever I looked at her, wouldn’t be deliberate, just a visceral reaction to what a deranged cow she is.

This.
She'd be getting in my garden over my dead body now.
No way.

Indyschoolq · 09/04/2025 14:39

Wow. Just wow. This woman is something special.

Hwi · 09/04/2025 14:38

I can't believe what I have just read? Seriously? Never heard of such awfulness ever.

nomas · 09/04/2025 14:38

I think your approach is right, Op.

Tell this awful woman that your son cannot be excluded from a party at his own home, so either he attends the party like a guest like all the other kids, or that she needs to find an alternative venue.

That way, it’s her jeopardising her son’s party, not you.

ClearPinkPlum · 09/04/2025 14:37

I would never have entertained the party from the first though. They are a nightmare of stress and organisation , never mind when someone else is using your house.

Ricepudpud · 09/04/2025 14:36

I'd send an invoice of £150 for hire of venue and equipment to be paid a month in advance of the party.

Use the money to take him out for the day to do something really nice.

However, no pay, no play!

CF!

Dinoswearunderpants · 09/04/2025 14:36

NO way in hell would I allow this!

Regardless if your DS is good at the sport or ot, it's the cheekiest thing I've ever heard.

I'd be replying very curtly to her and explaining your son attends the party or there is no party at your house.

My mind is blown by this disgusting behaviour.

ClearPinkPlum · 09/04/2025 14:36

She is a complete user of people, and I’m sure others realise this too.
Cancel.
Especially when you tell people about her, or get a gossipy friend to.

ThisIsMyYearToFindMyself · 09/04/2025 14:35

Rewis · 09/04/2025 14:18

My default assumption is that people suck. Yet, sometimes I'm still shocked how shitty they can be

I’m sitting here by myself, and I still said out loud ‘well I’ve literally heard it all now’ but yes, I’m sure even this will be surpassed sometime, by someone.

TravellingJack · 09/04/2025 14:35

Being diplomatic, I’d probably respond with a few laughing emojis and say ‘nice one, you had me going for a minute there! DS is really looking forward to hosting and I’m sure everyone’s looking forward to celebrating Mark’s birthday!’ Give her the chance to realise how very fucking crazy her suggestion is, and if she doesn’t gratefully snatch the opportunity to backtrack, then you can go for shocked and horrified at her audacity.