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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DS(8) not invited to party

562 replies

idontunderstandwhy · 09/04/2025 14:01

Dh used to compete and be a sports coach so we have a section of our garden built up and dedicated to that sport. He just teaches our dc and they play there now.

Ds has mostly had garden parties and then and on play dates his friends play there also.

Mum of one of his friends at a past play date mentioned her ds would love to learn do the sport and do something like this for his birthday but couldn’t find anywhere near.
Dh said that he’s welcome to come and practice whenever and actually could have party here if she couldn’t find anywhere else.

It was then agreed her ds could have his party in our garden and borrow equipment we had but that obviously over wise party organising is her responsibility. She has other entertainment, food arranged ect, party is quite soon.

She’s now said that she doesn’t think my DS should come as she’s worried the fact it’s his house/garden and he is good at the sport will take the shine of her DS and people will think it’s my DS’s day instead. And as it’s an out of school friend he would only know a few of kids anyway.

She never specifically said ds was invited we just assumed and we probably agreed based on that assumption.

I don’t think its fair to have ds locked in the house or taken out when his friends and boys his age playing in our garden and am shocked she thinks this is an okay suggestion.

AIBU it’s only fair ds goes?

OP posts:
Lyra87 · 09/04/2025 15:32

Wow, how horrible of her! How does she think her DC would feel it was the other way around? I would be tempted to rescind the offer if it was me, however I think maybe if you asked her to think about how her child would feel if it was him maybe it'll make her realise how unreasonable her request is. If that doesn't work, I'd tell her she needs another venue.

Strictlymad · 09/04/2025 15:31

What a nasty thing to do! Take the shine of her son and yours is more practised what an utterly ridiculous and selfish thing to say! Her golden boy! Just say if ds isn’t invited the party is off, her choice

Moonnstars · 09/04/2025 15:30

I actually think this is an awkward one. Your DH kindly offered the garden, and you have both assumed your son would be included. I don't know how the conversation went but if he just said the kid was 'welcome to come and practice whenever and actually could have party here if she couldn’t find anywhere else' I can actually see the confusion as he never explicitly said coming round to play with your son or that the party offer was only if your own child was included. It sounds more like DH was offering to hold the party in your garden with specialised equipment as a kind gesture knowing nowhere else offers this kind of thing and the mum was stuck.

I do think the reasons given for not letting your son attend though are unfair, as it's not his fault he is good at the sport. What would the mum do if the others all turned out to be better than her son as well?

I think DH should in future should not go round offering your garden out to people as while I see it's a kind gesture, I can see the confusion over the expectations and feeling taken advantage of.

Dealswithpetty · 09/04/2025 15:29

This woman does not respect you. If she did, she never would have made such a request. Expect things to get worse if you continue to appease her. I'm shocked (and angry on your behalf) by her entitlement. CANCEL CANCEL CANCEL!

PurpleThistle7 · 09/04/2025 15:29

I am actually wondering about the insurance. If they had a party in your home and were the actual hosts, then what happens if someone gets hurt? it would go on your homeowners insurance? do you actually have coverage for this sort of thing now that your DH isn't coaching anymore?

(Really curious what it is!)

But that's a totally insane thing to say and I can't believe it. We actually hosted my daughter's friend's birthday one year by accident (had a party on the same day as her birthday so quickly grabbed some birthday cake and decorations!) and obviously everyone knew it was our house. Everyone made a fuss over her anyway as it was her birthday.

This is silliness and you should step away. I would be worried about how she'd behave if you force her to include your son though so I'd definitely be supervising. And really you need to supervise anyway if this is specialised / dangerous / delicate equipment of some sort.

murasaki · 09/04/2025 15:28

Yes, insurance, or lack thereof, is your best get out.

Threeboystwocatsandadog · 09/04/2025 15:28

I would take ds out for the day. Lock the house and annex and make sure she has no access to water. Leave a potty out for emergencies. She will have to bring everything she needs with her.

Watermill · 09/04/2025 15:25

In reflection, there’s no clean exit from this.

You either cancel, or you sit there fuming, and really worried that somehow DS will find out he wasn’t wanted.

I would go with the insurance excuse, tell DS you hadn’t realised you needed insurance, and take him somewhere bloody fantastic on the day.

A begrudging invitation is worse than none at all.

Hankunamatata · 09/04/2025 15:23

Bet she isn't paying for the use of your equipment either

FartNRoses · 09/04/2025 15:22

Hope it rains….

FormerlySpeckledyHen · 09/04/2025 15:22

I predict that the CF will be back in contact with you to change her mind about your DS, having been alerted to this thread by another parent…

GroovyChick87 · 09/04/2025 15:22

This is extreme cheekiness. It's beyond that actually, it's disgusting behaviour. I'd be telling her to hold her party elsewhere and I'd have nothing more to do with her.

diddl · 09/04/2025 15:20

Can you cancel on the grounds of no insurance?

Why were you so keen to let her have a party there & her son come & practise whenever he wants?

Is there anywhere else nearby do you know?

It's doubtful she even looked after your offer I would have thought.

Pigsears · 09/04/2025 15:19

JustMyView13 · 09/04/2025 15:17

Solid agree with this comment!
I would also position it as: ‘you’re so right, I hadn’t considered that. Probably best you find another venue to avoid all the confusion’.

Edit: Also OP, please stop worrying about ‘repercussions for your son’. If this boy is truly your DS friend, he’d invite him to his party. This ship has sailed.

Edited
Show quote history

👆👆👆 this is perfect

JustMyView13 · 09/04/2025 15:17

murasaki · 09/04/2025 14:03

I'd be rescinding the offer, she is taking cheeky fuckery to new levels here.

Solid agree with this comment!
I would also position it as: ‘you’re so right, I hadn’t considered that. Probably best you find another venue to avoid all the confusion’.

Edit: Also OP, please stop worrying about ‘repercussions for your son’. If this boy is truly your DS friend, he’d invite him to his party. This ship has sailed.

89redballoons · 09/04/2025 15:17

Wtaf! This is one of the cheekiest things I've ever read on mumsnet. Your poor DS!

MumWifeOther · 09/04/2025 15:16

What am I even reading? This is so unbelievably rude, I would be telling her to F off and ending the friendship. What a piss take.

MrBallensWife · 09/04/2025 15:16

So she expects your DS to sit watching from the window at all the other kids playing in HIS garden?.I'd be telling her to fuck right the fuck off 🤬

MoreChocPls · 09/04/2025 15:16

Honestly, I’m seriously angry for you!!

MoreChocPls · 09/04/2025 15:16

She’s a cf!! How nasty. Either your son goes or she goes.

AlphaRadiationIsHeliumNuclei · 09/04/2025 15:15

Pigsears · 09/04/2025 15:13

I'd be careful.

The woman sounds self absorbed and unhinged. Friend enough to borrow someone's home, but not enough to invite to the actual party? Who even thinks like that?!. T

If DS end up being invited, I'd bet that she has dripped venom to others (children / parents)... So approach with caution.

I agree with this.

If your son attends, she will be vile to him.

SillyBilly1993 · 09/04/2025 15:15

What a horrible woman!

You’re in a difficult position OP, and as tempting as it would be to cancel the party I understand why it would cause issues.

I would message her to say ‘I don’t understand. Are you saying that you want to uninvite DS but still hold a party at his house that he can’t attend? I think that would be really hurtful and upsetting for him. If you want to move the party to another venue then that’s fine, but holding one at our house and not inviting DS wouldn’t work.’

And then I’d leave the ball in her court.

ISpyNoPlumPie · 09/04/2025 15:15

I would 100% cancel @idontunderstandwhy, but I agree with you so I wouldn’t be prepared to mess things up for my child OR risk me looking like that twat here. No fucking way, this is all on her. I would tell a massive lie (“oh I am
so sorry, our whatever is broken”) that would not allow her to use my garden/the facilities. I wouldn’t trust her at all anymore, I would not want the pity invite for my child, but I would absolutely not tell her the truth. Then I would cut her out. Seriously. Fuck her.

Pigsears · 09/04/2025 15:13

I'd be careful.

The woman sounds self absorbed and unhinged. Friend enough to borrow someone's home, but not enough to invite to the actual party? Who even thinks like that?!. T

If DS end up being invited, I'd bet that she has dripped venom to others (children / parents)... So approach with caution.

Fingernailbiter · 09/04/2025 15:08

idontunderstandwhy · 09/04/2025 14:08

Thankyou for the replies, I hadn’t yet replied but needed to check I wasn’t being unreasonable and missing something.

Party is very soon and would be putting her out a lot to cancel. I think the most reasonable option would be to just insist it’s only fair that ds gets to go and I think she would agree to that above cancelling the whole party.

"Verruca, I’m amazed that you are suggesting my son should not be allowed to attend a birthday party held by one of his friends, in my son's own back garden! It would be grossly unfair to him and I would not be able to explain to him why he should suffer that.

If you really feel you cannot invite him (with a good grace) I’m afraid the only other option would be for you to move the party elsewhere."