18 year old son driving me to depression

No, you do not kick him out.

Take a deep breath. He is alive. Be grateful. Be very grateful. You are lucky. He’s not so lucky. He’s obviously struggling. Help him however you can but never give up on him.

Maybe he’s too unwell to do them himself?

My mum looked after me when l was seriously depressed at 20. I just wouldn’t have eaten or washed clothes if she hadn’t.

"he may be depressed, there's loads of us depressed folk out here who still manage to work and function." .

And there are also lots of depressed people out there who are unable to sustain work/ seek work/ are on long term sickness leave/ never got their qualifications in school due to their mental health. It's so odd that you'd challenge the idea of a blanket diagnosis of depression while also spouting this at the end of the same post.

Noone is "diagnosing" anything, lots of us are recognising this is a possibility and are encouraging op to link her son in with an actual medical professional who CAN make a diagnosis if one is appropriate.

Apprenticeship could be the way forward. They're advertised on gov.uk.

Teaching him to be able to live independently under your roof would be one of the first things that would boost his confidence. If he has never had to look after himself, do his washing, change his bedding, do his shopping and actually run his own life may be a barrier to him moving forwards if he is scared he couldn’t cope alone.
Currently he has no motivation to change things as everything is done for him. This is not doing him any favours. Perhaps start by teaching him how to change his bed and do his washing and how frequently things need to be washed. Then move on to teaching him some basic cooking and make him responsible for a couple of meals each week to get him into the way of planning meals and shopping. Cleaning and housework can then be added to his skills, then make him responsible for half of the household cleaning or certain rooms. All this will boost his self esteem and his dignity as he is then earning the food given to him and he isn’t just a burden. Our children don’t learn these things by being around a parent that does it all, they need instruction and teaching.

That's what I thought.

I think he needs a bit of care and support rather than the above.

Is he ND?

Army? They will drum sense into it, seen it many times. They can sponsor him afterwards to do a degree - any serious degree and see him through it. He just needs a kick up his arse. Please don't indulge any possible 'depression' or suchlike.

Can we stop excusing shitty, lazy behaviour with a blanket diagnosis of depression?
he's being a lazy teenager. He is far from a catch for prospect future girlfriends. No one wants a man who doesn't work, have friends, interests etc. he really needs to get his arse into gear and get a job and you need to make clear you won't fund him forever.

he may be depressed, there's loads of us depressed folk out here who still manage to work and function.

I think op you need to sit him down and have a very open and calm conversation and say that he's had quite a bit of time now to just see what happens but now it's time to get some wheels turning again. I'd tell him that it doesn't actually matter whether or not the next step he takes is the 'right' step in terms of course etc but he has to take a step just to get himself going. If he starts a course he can always transfer to another one but he just needs to commit to showing up and doing the work no matter what.

I'd arrange an appointment with the gp because I agree with others it sounds like he's passively depressed and possibly very anxious (making it hard for him to make a decision). I'd talk to him about the gaming and how he's feeling its impacting his life and try to make an agreement on how much he games each day. I'd actually set an amount and switch the WiFi off once he goes past it so he's no choice but to look for other things to do. It's too easy to get lost in a game and avoid reality and while it's understandable its not serving him.

I'd also make an appointment with a careers advisor, in our area there are some you can access for free either through local universities or colleges or through the local jbo. Before he goes there's an online test he can do to identify what jobs would suit his personality and interests which might help inform the appointments. He needs to get the notion of not wanting to pick the wrong course or not knowing what to do - even realising he's on the wrong course is still getting him closer to the right one by ruling something out. Work experience and volunteering would help with this as well. If he can make a list of jobs he'd have a remote interest in then he can offer to shadow someone or do a placement to see if it would suit him. Sitting in the house the way he is will make his anxiety/mood worse and make it even harder to get restarted.

Did he have friends in school? Did something significant happen in his life? Is it possible that he's ND and burnt out doing his A Levels?

if he has 6k saved up could he use a little bit of it to go travelling? would get him out the house, away from electronics and open him up to whats out there in the world? might spark a bit of life into him
plenty of summer abroad jobs at things like acorn adventure, camp america etc. good option as they arrange all travel etc and there is a team altogether out there. We did acorn in Italy for a summer and it was so much fun.

If he has 6K in the bank I'd encourage him to go travelling. There is a whole world out there and he will meet people his own age doing a similar thing as well as experiencing some amazing and challenging things. Work together on researching and planning. Maybe a shorter backpacking trip to somewhere in Europe first, or interrailing, to build his confidence. Do you have any overseas contacts who could help? Look at working holiday visas for Australia and New Zealand. It would be the making of him!

obv I don’t know where you are in country OP but would he not consider a degree based on computing / gaming eg games design or programming ? Our local university offers these so I am sure many others will

That's harsh sorry - regardless of what is going on in the economy cooking and cleaning are part and parcel of life, he should be helping out a bit at home and should have been for nearly 10 years by now. No matter if you are employed or unemployed you need to fed, clothes washed and house has to be cleaned. That is basic living.

Something general but linked to the A levels he did.

Possibly a degree course in his favourite A level? or a combined degree in his 2 favourite A levels? Would be good for him to have a plan for September and don't let him go to a local uni and live at home!

I am no doctor but from your description, I would say he is suffering from depression. I think it would be worth investigating how he can be helped. A kick up the rear might work, but I suspect something less judgemental might be better.

yes but getting him to help out at home helps him earn his responsibilities, he is living at home he should have a list of jobs to do, take it in turns who cooks, show him simple meals - All these things help the mind get productive and build confidence too. When you go shopping bring him out and get him tp help you meal plan etc. He should be able to do standard things at home

Look - here's a link to the UK Government careers service: https://nationalcareers.service.gov.uk/discover-your-skills-and-careers There is a questionnaire to fill in about aptitudes and interests and then the opportunity to speak to a careers advisor once you've completed it. Get your son started by doing this.

FGS don't kick him out. I wouldn't even contemplate doing that in this situation with either of mine.

You say he isn't depressed but it certainly sounds like he is. Just because he is not lying in bed unable to move doesn't mean he isn't depressed. He seems to have lost his way and lost his motivation to join the world. The longer it takes him to get himself back out there the harder it will be and its a slippery slope.

Talk to him. Stop being annoyed by him and show him some compassion and support. Show him you are on his side. It sounds like he needs some support to find his way in the world.

See if you can come up with a plan together of what he intends to do going forwards and just explain that how he is living his life is not sustainable and he can't keep doing it. I suspect he already knows this but he needs a gentle nudge to find his feet.

The forces?

OP look at Mindjam. he might be interested in gaming with a mentor and possibly becoming one himself.

He sounds like he may be suffering from a form of burnout and anxiety but he can get better. Baby steps tho. Place a few gentle boundaries and expectations e.g. he must empty dishwasher.
build up to -
he must shop for a simple meal etc.
good luck x

I used to teach A levels to lots of boys like this and the course that always got them interested was Cyber Security. I can see someone else has mentioned this. I feel for your son - it can be so disheartening watching everyone else make decisions and move on. What about suggesting he applies to a local uni for September and spends some time until then eating more healthily? He could still play computer games etc but you could encourage him to read watch documentaries etc about computer crimes and how people are solving them.

Why do you do his washing? Tell him he must start doing his own washing.

He also needs to find a job - even if low wages to pay for his toiletries and clothes - and make a contribution towards food, fuel, water, rates etc.

He's 18, he needs to start paying his way.

My son is the same age and he cooks and cleans (with a bit of reminding). I stopped washing his clothes about three years ago, I still wash them occasionally if say I need more whites in the machine but he knows to do that, same with his bedding. He’s on UC so they are the ones badgering him to get a job now, not me. He can go on that even with savings, they’ll just reduce the amount. I don’t buy treats for him as I’m short of money, so he buys these if he wants them. I’ve shown him how to budget and I give him a certain amount of money to buy the food shop for a certain amount of days. He is good at cooking, I taught him to cook from the age of about ten. He does game too much which is depressing but a lot of boys that age do. He’s recently started reading for pleasure again which is a relief! I hope you can get him doing small jobs like this as it helps with their mental health to feel competent and useful.