18 year old son driving me to depression

I wouldn't kick him out....but I would stop cooking for him and doing his laundry. There's absolutely no reason he can't do these things for himself. He doesn't sound awful....just a bit aimless and needs some direction.

Time for tough love, you are doing him no favours. Yes he may be depressed and some short term intervention may be necessary. But mild depression may respond to being out of the house and finding something he can do.

So - has he done ANY work experience at all, ever? Had any interests, ever? Young people find what they want to do by trying different things. He can volunteer - St John Ambulance will give him extra skills and the opportunity later to go to sporting events. If he has ever played sports summer camps will pay him to work with children. He can be a scouts helper. Help him explore what is available here https://www.ncvo.org.uk/get-involved/volunteering/volunteering-opportunities/

There is a halfway house between making him homeless and doing nothing. During the day he has to be out of the house, he comes home to sleep. If the weather is really bad he may be allowed to stay in. Even if he sits in a park all day he's in the fresh air and sometimes sunshine - and he can only game in a library for a limited time. 3 months to sort himself out, sign on for universal credit savings under 6k are disregarded, or he outdoors all day.

Do not kick him out

Help him out

Can he sign onto the dole as they require job search minimums & to be set up with a agency to monitor it

He has six k. Maybe he could use a small fraction of that to go backpacking or travel generally. Just getting out and seeing different things might help him think about what he wants to do job wise when he’s back. Even if he just goes off to an international gaming convention of something.

A friend's child was the same - didn't know what they wanted to do after A levels, so took a year out and worked in a DIY store - realised they were interested in construction through that, so went and did a construction engineering degree at uni.

Lots of people don't know what they want to do at 18. They problem at the moment is finding a job to ride you over while you decide. The job market is so difficult for them.

Another idea is the King's Trust - absolutely brilliant for helping young people if they can't find work.

Also get him to talk to a good reputable career advisor to discuss his interests and see what they propose…..he sounds like he has a gaming addiction though so that needs to be worked on as even if he does get a job / go on to study this addiction would still be there which would prevent him from progressing very far…..can he join a gym nearby, maybe that would get him out of the house and he can develop a new interest and loose some weight…..it’s horrible to say but I do think prospective do judge ( and make assumptions about ) overweight unhealthy looking people coming into interviews so it would be better for him all round if he lost it

Sorry, it has probably been suggested already, but I would start charging him rent - unless he applies for uni/college. You must stop enabling his laziness - he must find a job. It doesn't need to be a full-time job at once - he can start cleaning houses/cars/walking dogs for a couple of hours a day - just drop an advertisement on Facebook and you can always find something to do. Make a plan with him and tell him with no ambiguity that you are giving him 3 months to put his wits together and show some effort and do something. Tell him that - because he is an adult now and not a child anymore - you will treat him like a lodger and nobody lives for free and nothing in life is free. Charge him for utilities/Internet, any takeaway, etc. Every time bring him the bill and ask for money. And stop doing this unpaid work for him for God's sake!

He sounds lost, OP, rather than anything more severe. If you've asked him to mow the lawn and he's doing it, in relatively good grace, that suggests to me he's perhaps just feeling overwhelmed and fearful of the vast amount of choices there are out there.

18 is a difficult age - officially an adult, but with no life experience and very little exposure to the world other than the bubble that you've grown up in. While uni is perfect for some, it's definitely not the right path for others, but it does give you insight into other people's lives and backgrounds which can be eye opening.

How receptive is he when you talk to him about the future? Does he shut you down and just repeats 'don't know' to everything, or is there some interest but then it fades when the answer isn't immediately there?

My eldest has always been laidback to the extreme (some say laidback, some say lazy - I'm on the fence). As we're both ambitious and really driven to succeed/progress/do well, we've struggled to understand his low-effort approach, but he's making his own way through trial and error and the odd gentle kick up the bum from us. He's now done a few months of a minimum wage job and while he's not loving it, he amazed me yesterday by talking about how long he needs to do this job for before he can move into an area with 'career progression'. I didn't see it coming, and it has yet to materialise, but have faith OP, he'll come good I'm sure.

A handful of thoughts:
Mowing the lawn - this can now be his job
Exercise - how can he move more?
Food - yes, keep feeding him but if you're working and he's not, he can cook the meals
Washing - nope, he can do this, and the rest of the household's too if you're out at work and he's at home.
Cleaning - if he's home, not working, he can keep on top of the housework. Don't expect him to see what needs doing, give him a list and let him work through it.

If he's resistant to any of it, then that's a different situation and needs more tough love, but I'd start with gentle nudges and carrots rather than sticks. But then I also know I'm a big softie...

Lots of people don't know what they want to do when they leave school, I think a large proportion choose their degree subject based on what they enjoy and what they're good at. What did he do at Alevel? There's no point in us suggesting he looks into engineering and computer science courses / careers if he's got A-levels in humanities and languages!

But he’s not a young child. She needs to help him out of his depression not enable him to stay in it

My ds is 19. He had no idea what he wanted to do. There was zero chance that I would let him game all day regardless. He got a job in the local supermarket. He had to be up and about at a reasonable time and contribute to the household. He does nothing because you allow him to.
DS did a work program abroad for three months and then went to uni in September which he loves.

Genuine question, but when I see posts like this on Mumsnet I am curious. Would you really at 18, with your DS or DD having issues adjusting to adult life kick them out on the to the street with all of the dangers and negative consequences that might involve?

I remember getting to 18 and being really scared about officially being an adult. I really didn't have a clue what I wanted to do with my life either, I just knew that I was sick to the back teeth of studying.

I ended up going to Uni in my early 20's. Before that, I initially worked part time and worked my way up to full time in a shop.

Get him to the docs and also, try to encourage him out every day. Perhaps send him on errands like nipping to the local shop or going to a coffee shop together. Walking a friend's dog etc.

Let's face it, we'd all be depressed if we sat in our rooms doing nothing all day. I suspect he won't be depressed if he gets a job and a purpose to his days. Honestly, if it was my son, I'd help him pursue next steps. Tell him he needs to either get a job or pursue a career now he's an adult. Tell him he has a couple of months grace then you'll be charging him rent (whether he's working or not...so it will be making a chip into his inheritance if he's not earning). None of us get to opt of adulting. I suspect he just feels totally overwhelmed with the task facing him and he's burying his head in the sand. I'd be inclined to handhold him through those first steps.

Right, time to get him to contribute
start with chores. He’s an adult. He does his win washing of clothes, sheets towels etc. and his own ironing. Do not do it for him. Do not even suggest he does it. Talk to him to say this is how often washing needs doing, re underwear, sheets etc . Then say he can figur3 it out in terms of washing labels, machine instructions. Give him a day of week he gets to use machine, washing line so it doesn’t interfere with your washing.
then he needs to cook in turn. Depedning on number of adults in house. If just 2 of you, then 3 nights a week. If 3 of you 2 nights a week. Write a menu out each week. Shop for it , then tell him what he’s making. And get a recipe. Sure, he’ll make errors if not used to cooking, but he will learn.
then he needs to clean. Cleaning bathroom once per week on given day. And kitchen after he has cooked each time , and cleaning kitchen floor at least one other time per week. Totally responsible for cleaning his bedroom..and he can take a turn at hallway/stars every other week.
then dustbins and recycling now gets to be his job.
as does sweeping your yard spaces. And if you’ve grass he’s now on grass mowing duty once per week till late autumn.
assign him tasks

givechim choice- he either does these. Proactively. Or he plans to leave home in 6 weeks and fend for himself. He can ask for help and guidance to begin with, but most things can be learnt on YouTube .

he also needs to sign on , or whatever term is nowadays. As much as anything he needs to start NI credits for future pension. ANY money he earns or gets as benefits (if he qualifies at all) , whilst living at home goes 50% to you, until he is covering what it costs fr his keep.

and while you’re at it, sit him down and go through your budget with him around what bills are and food, and other stuff you seem so willing to cover now with “no costs” to him. Say this is what he is contributing to, and expected to pay his fair share .

agian if he refuses to register as unemployed and not in training, then he has 6 weeks to find somewhere else to live. Any money he does contribute, ifvyou csn afford it, stick it in a saver and return to him at age 30 or when he ants to buy a house when he has established a life for himself and money to support himself. Don’t tell him that now.

make life difficult for him to sit on his arse and play games all day. If needed turn off the damn internet for certain hours during day. So he has to do something else.

I appreciate he may have depression. But we know that fresh air, walking (or more specifically moving on 2 legs) helps with depression. As does having something that has to be done that isn’t too stressful …so housework and exercise is name of game.

I’d also be saying he will not be hit with a lightbulb moment of knowing what he wants to do. And we can’t always choose. The priority is to earn some m9ney, or enter training and move forwards. Start modest. Jus5 something. If it isn’t the right thing, he moves somewhere else knowing he’s at least eliminated some aspects of work he doesn’t like, sitting on his backsid3 playing games is avoidance. It’s comfortable. He’s just hoping magic fairies will solve it. They won’t. He needs to face his fears by informing himself. Say you will support him whilst moving form job to job whilst he finds out more what aspects of work he likes, and gradually figures out what he does want to do. Agian set a clear expectation that he has 1 month of work in next 3 months . Agian if he won’t do this then say he needs to move out then, or seek mental health support through all these bloody marvellous new schemes government is supposedly setting upto prevent lads like him becoming a NEET . (🙄🤷‍♀️)

You have to push him. He’s getting away form doing anything right now. If this continues you’ll have a 30 year old waster sittin* in your house, or someone else’s house who thinks it’s optional to fend for themselves to survive as an adult. And he’ll loose valuable years when employers will look more favourably on periods of jumping or missing employment records. You aren’t helping him at all here in long run. Time for some tough love.

Get him some work experience in a computer games company. Or somewhere else eg there’s a skills shortage in broadcast engineering. Likely you’d need to help him secure that work experience.

Would he travel a bit with his savings? I know a few people who have went to Australia, did some farm work (very well paid) and travelled around. There's agencies that can help you organise visas, jobs, accommodation etc. Might bring him out of his shell a bit and offer some life experience before he settles into doing a degree or working life.

There's nothing worse than trying to integrate a new start who's answer is "nothing" or "played computer games" when you ask what their interests are/what they did, the whole disinterested attitude seems to seep into every aspect of their life in my experience.

People saying that he isn’t depressed just lazy. If he was still meeting friends etc but refusing to do a job etc then yes maybe, if just sitting in his house all day with no friends? Could very well be depression. Don’t forget kids that age went through lockdown at 13/14 years old. When they should be learning social skills. Not surprised there is a lot of anxiety that age group

Game development is one of the worse paid sectors in IT as so many people want to do it. I know a lot of programmers, best paid works in investment bank systems and the other in credit card security.

Any kind of job would do for now, it’s almost irrelevant what he wants to do it’s just mixing with people that’s important.

If he does, this is what I shall do, honestly. I certainly won't entertain - what is wrong with you, darling? Roof over your head, school paid for, extra-curriculars paid for, food on the table, a bed at night, you don't have to work, you don't have to do even a paper run, etc. etc. Depressed? Oh, let us wallow in it together and get some mental 'health' specialists involved, those psychiatrists won't pay for themselves, will they, and let us also help some big pharma along the way, let us medicate you up to your eyeballs, and shift the blame for your laziness and boredom on this 'depression'.

Yeah my DS did English camp company ( Italy and Austria)a couple of years ago and loved it

Immediately stop doing his washing or cooking for him. Also charge him rent, and give him some household chores which are his responsibility.

He seriously needs to grow up, and sadly, that won't happen unless you make him.

If he doesn't want uni, a lot of colleagues do an introduction to trades course. A bit of time on each so you can get a taste and see what appeals or where you have the best skillset.

But he needs to get a move on before he's too old for funded options.

It's not easy to get a job right now I think.... he must be feeling deflated and even a bit worthless if he applies to many and hasn't heard back. Talk to him, xan you help work on his CV, or suggest he gets outside help? What kid of jobs is he applying to, what skills can go on his CV that would make it attractive to employers?
If he went to state school, there's a great charity called The 93% Club, I think this could be a great help!
He might need some tough love (please don't kick him out), but not before some "actual" love and support.....