18 year old son driving me to depression

My first thought would be to get him out and go for a walk together. Maybe early morning or evening, if he is overweight, he might be self conscious. I have found myself in the past, that the less you leave the house, the more difficult it becomes - so choosing a time when it's less busy, and you being sensitive to any anxiety he feels about being seen, might help. My DCs don't like going for walks around our neighbourhood for this reason, and so I will drive somewhere they are less likely to see familiar faces, and they feel happier about this. (They haven't explicitly told me this, but I've worked it out.)

I would build up to any expectations of getting a job slowly, with an emphasis on his mental health first and foremost. I very much doubt he's in the right place to get a job at the moment - but he will get there eventually if you don't make "getting a job" the focus, I think.

I would want to encourage good habits. You could frame the idea of an early morning walk followed by a healthy breakfast together as you wanting to spend more time with him rather than you being at your wit's end at how lazy & unmotivated he is.

It's great that he has mowed the lawn.

He seems lost and in need of some TLC and gentle guidance in my opinion. Maybe if going for a walk is too much to start with, you could start with a healthy breakfast together, and do the dishes together. When my son was in a similar place to your son, I had no expectations that he had to talk, and I think he appreciated that, we would put music on & play draughts, or just eat and then watch TV together.

Good luck. I wish both of you all the best

If he did well at A level I am not sure where you will get to with college courses. He has already achieved level 3 therefore unless he is looking at a degree delivered by an FE provider there is probably little for him. I would suggest he needs support to find a job. Or driving lessons partly funded by the £6,000 - something he can do now. A course, likely starting in Sept is going to have him in his bedroom for the next 6 months. You are both just kicking the problem into the long grass.

My brother was the same at that age, OP. He’s still in his teenage bedroom now at the age of 46. My Dad is 79. Don’t let it go on…

Don't go down the game development line it's saturated with people who like gaming and try to make it a job. My nephew has a masters in it and that's because there were no jobs when he got his BA, every company he got a short contract with went bust so he ended up doing a masters and he's working now in an entirely unrelated field.

If he's tech minded then maybe computer science might be better as my son did but there's not a lot of jobs in that either just now.

Definitely avoid the game developer stuff though.

Hmm, you’re being deliberately obtuse and not reading..,I said if they were genuinely ill I’d support..did you read that ?

OP I have an acquaintance - very normal background - who started a cyber security company a few years ago and now owns a country estate and sends all three of his children to Eton!

Well I assume because he's her son. She loves him.
I didn't withdraw all care and comfort for my children because they turned eighteen.

This young man needs to change his ways.
This young man should contribute. He is in the wrong but OP can still look after him if she wants.

As for throwing him out? I despair of the harshness and neglect of this suggestion.

OP I find it slightly odd that he is academic and did well at A levels but has no idea of even a direction he would like to go in? How did he even choose his A levels then? Did his school have no career advice- I find this hard to believe tbh.

He may not know exactly what he wants to do but he should surely know a general direction ie if hes done science based a level, hes not going to want to be an English lit teacher is he?

He is definitely depressed and you need to have a good talk with him. He either gets a job or volunteers but he needs to start seriously looking at options and getting some work experience. I would try and get him to speak to a gp and sit and look at potential career directions eg IT etc or something which will give a lot of options for careers but he needs to get a move on.

Is it possible hes not actually applying for jobs but just telling you he is? I'd suspect he isnt bothering because he has life pretty sweet at home and has everything he wants

Please don't kick him out OP, 18 is barely an adult he sounds like he needs your help. Good luck to you both x

He needs more responsibility. He definitely should be doing his own washing . My kids have been able to do that since about 12/13 . It's a good life skill.
Do you have work/life coaches near to you? It sounds like he could do with someone to talk to and help him be enthusiastic to make plans .

There's something wrong OP. I don't believe for one moment this is just a lazy indulged boy. No one wants to live like that, NO ONE.

The GP will be really limited in what they know, their expertise and prescribing knowledge when it comes to potential things going on here.

Hsve you ever talked to him about all this and what his thoughts are?

Personally, I'd forget college, uni for now. I'd focus only on trying to understand what's going on in his own mind and perception of this situation. I'd want him to have a chat with a psychiatrist. Not because I think he's seriously defective but because something is wrong here. It does remind me of ND teens high masking who reach burn out.

A good ND psych appointment would possibly give you an idea if this is what's going on. They can also prescribe something to help make life more manageable. Then - you can work on supporting him with getting a job doing something he is motivated to do.

If he isn't ND or depressed then fine, but it's worth being sure here. No harm in that imo.

This was me!

Took me over 6 months to get my first full-time job after college when I was 18. Applied for hundreds of jobs, everything and anything, horrible interviews which also knocked my confidence, kept getting rejected. Signed on, got barely enough money for anything. (School was useless for setting me up for getting a first job.)

My lovely mum didn't pressure me or kick me out but encouraged me to keep going and not give up. She also gave me money for driving lessons and a car so I could apply for jobs further away.

I finally got a basic office job and worked my way up and moved out once I had more money and confidence. It's been easier to get any job since getting that first job.

however, sometimes it’s more about finding out what they DONT want to do.
And start eliminating.
most of us do that during our working life.
he needs to be actively trying out stuff- retail, entertainment, service, construction, manufacturing type industries…not looking at it as if this is his forever job…no job or career iscthes3 days..,he needs to be engaging in working life or training to find what aspects he likes..sitting at a desk or active, inside or outside, engaging customers or not, working on projects, detailed thinking or emotional thinking etc etc
sitting in his room for next 10 years ain’t going to produce a magic lightbulb moment. He needs to try out stuff to figure it out.

Thanks, that is a useful insight. It certainly helps me understand why there are so many young people with mental health issues kicked out by mom and dad and left to their own devices without support.

This is good point too….thst he needs to be up at normal working hours during week,cand go to bed and sleeep as if he had a job. If he’s gaming till ewrLy hours of morning, and not dressing until mid morning, then this is major issue.

What do I do kick him out?
Op i realise you are really stressed and concerned but really... you're asking mumsnet if you should kick him out? What kind of a parent asks mumsnet a question like this. Get yourself together and start acting like a parent instead, regardless to how you feeling you do not kick your kids out. Get to the root issue instead and discuss boundaries instead.

Get him to go back into education. What about an apprenticeship?

I really feel for kids these days who come out of school with no clear indication of what they want to do. I still can't believe in this day and age we expect kids of 16 to know what they want to do with the rest of their lives.

I second what a lot of people have already said, Cyber security / Sales.

I have a friend who is in cyber security sales, he's possibly autistic but manages really well and is on a great salary!

Ayh this mentality of having him fuck off/cut from family support for what ? Not bouncing from school into a career & getting fat ?! Is madness

OP depending on his personality/willingness get him help (check for hormones/thyroid/diabetes ect.) to work on his weight & get him onto a job agency who can advice him if careers now he's out of school

Fear of 'going out into the world' is a natural stage in developing into an adult .
Small steps to build his confidence, the school system and our current style of parenting dosent equip our young people
We need to reflect on this

Yep, I would have if they really weren’t helping themselves and refused to do what was expected of them to find their adulting and get on with life.

but it’s also about expectations from young age. My kids knew probably when they went to secondary school, if not before, they’d never be allowed to live at home on their arse. They were expected to do their own washing and ironing at 16 (if they can use games console they can use a washing machine and iron fgs). They were expected from younger age to help clean bathrooms. Do bins, mow lawn etc. and clean their room. And they cooked, regularly. Becuase we taught them to cook and they enjoyed it.
they knew they were expected to either get an apprentice type training job or go to uni at 18. Sure, we made light of it, but it was joke about using their bedrooms, or us parents running away….

sure if they’d become genuinely ill we’d have absolutely supported. I’m not heartless, far from it.

But a young adult doing nothing, with no apparent goals or direction, is bound to be a bit depressed when asked or made to think about their future. And given a choice, which this lad has, it is more comfortable and less scary to simply do nowt.

id certainly be saying, you can come back home to live once you have found motivation and goals, but all the time you aren’t contributing and drifting, you need to see WHY it’s important you learn to support yourself and start adulting. Thsts what tossing them out will do. Teach them a hard lesson…but the door would be open when the light bulb went on.

You’ve had a lot of good advice from others.
On his CV he can put this year down as a ‘gap year’. Th volunteering or part-time would would be a great way to add value to this. Is he interested in travel? If he can find a part - time job now, he’s got time to build up some savings to travel abroad or go to festivals - whatever he enjoys - in the summer. Nothing like getting away from home to expand your horizons.
And if he finds a course he is interested in (I thought the cyber security idea sounded good) then he can aim to start that in September with the wind in his sails. Good luck!