18 year old son driving me to depression

Can he find an apprenticeship? I did one when I didn’t know what to do at 18. It allowed me to find a career and follow with a degree. The apprenticeship was just a business admin one, not my ultimate career goal but gave me good exposure and experience.

Hmm, you’re working. He’s not. How about he does YOUR laundry as he’s “doing his anyway”…
ok, might not want him m washing your delicates (though good practice for future wife/partner, but he can change your sheets, do sheets, towels and stuff like your trousers, tops and general household…

i think you’re so immersed in this you can’t see it. If he’d gone to uni he’d needed to do his own…

He's got a lot going for him. He's got good A levels and can drive. He's helpful enough to cut the grass and seems to have a reasonable relationship with OP. He might like a college course (but what will be on offer to someone who already has qualifications at level 3). Also I still think that something positive needs to happen before Sept otherwise he's just kicking the can down the road and what happens in Sept if he decides he doesn't want to go (having been in his bedroom for another six months). Sign on, job coach - routine, getting out of the house.

These people who tell you that their children knew they had to get on and do something - well- they were just lucky! My daughter is completely different so I don’t think it’s the parenting- I just think some (very often boys) take a long while to realise that they have to grow up!

My DS was like this (for about a year!). He wouldn’t listen to me. lazed around. Fortunately after a while he decided that life like that was very dull and he did actually make an effort and found an apprenticeship. He hadn’t done well at school and so I was v worried about him - in the end he did it himself. Main motivation was being so bored. I do sympathise it is an awful time

You may not mind doing his laundry - but do you want him to have a wife and family some day? Stop teaching him by example that women will do everything for him.

I didnt have this problem because my child always knew that doing nothing was never going to be an option. They have changed their mind about what they wanted to do several times and that made life more difficult for us but they always knew we'd support them through the changes as long as they were working towards independence. They had work experience, they volunteered - and found a successful career through those routes.

You have let your son do nothing since last summer. If he isnt 19 yet he soon will be and you are keeping him as a baby.

I wouldn’t kick him out but i would put some firm boundaries in place and explain to him that you want to help him etc. At 18 i was working full time and paying £120 a month board to live with my parents. i suggest taking him to the doctors or suggesting a youth club for him to attend to make some friends

If he is not interested in going to university why not look at Apprenticeships? They offer training in a job, a wage, experience in working and often the placement will offer permanent employment at the end of the apprenticeship. My grandson did this at the end of school and although the company didn’t take him on at the end of the apprenticeship, he has never been out of work since & he is now 25 years old.

An easy starting point would be to stop washing his clothes and cooking most meals for him. He can sort his own breakfast and lunch and could easily do a couple of dinners per week.

He won't find a job stuck at home.

He is an adult, you are a parent. Let's start with you parenting ... show him how to do tasks e.g. clean the bathroom, then put it on his list. Keep growing the list until he can do everything. Same when you are cooking - he's got to help, then start cooking himself. Being able to "do" things will develop many skills he can use at work/in life.

What A levels did he study, what were his results? What kind of jobs is he applying for? Is he really putting effort into the applications because if he just treats it as a box-ticking exercise he is never going to be successful. The competition is fierce and the jobs are going to those who really make the effort in their applications.

He also needs to get out and do some volunteering, even if it is not an area in which he is interested. There's another batch of A level students on their way out of college in a few months and he is going to look stale against them. An 18 year old who (in the eyes of a prospective employer) has sat around for 10 months doing nothing is not an attractive proposition.

He needs help not to be kicked out. He sounds depressed and needs direction.

All of the above re helping him find something he wants to do - update CV, get him some voluntary work in something he would enjoy so he can add to his CV. Look into degree apprenticeships.

I wouldn't say he was depressed, I would say he sounds depressed because of his circumstances, not that his circumstances are a result of his being depressed, if you see what I mean. Which is not something he can be medicated out of. My eldest DD was a bit like this when she finished A levels (she is diagnosed Autistic and ADHD, but she wasn't when she left school, she was diagnosed as an adult). She was paralysed with fear about going out into the world. Eventually she found a volunteering place working in the local Help the Aged shop, where she learned to work a till, deal with customers and, despite her social anxiety, to talk to people. As a result she applied to university and went as an adult.

But it was learning to function outside the educational environment that helped her.

I found when ds was 18 I had to be a helicopter parent. Seek the jobs online. Help him apply. Word his supporting letter and amend his CV each time.

I practically did it all. He wd prepare for interviews by going on you tube. Career Vidz I think it is gives great job prep tips. So he wd prepare but I definitely had to hold his hand a lot.

They do need a lot of monitoring still. Good luck.

A bit of tough love is needed!
Sit him down and give him the options. He applies for so many jobs a day, give him a timeline. He needs to be doing something 2 months time, doesn’t matter what he just needs to be working out of the house.
At this point you will start charging rent (a decent amount) you can always keep it aside for him but don’t tell him that.
If he does nothing about applying for jobs start charging straight away.
Support him if he needs help to speak to the gp about depression but he needs to take some action. Most gps you can do an e consult about depression.

I remember being very anxious about this. At the same time, I knew I had to get out and away in order not to be trapped by my guilt about leaving my mum who expected me to stay close. I sought opportunities to stand on my own two feet in desperation and in spite of my fear and social anxiety. My first grown up job was as a PA and I was sh**t scared of making phone calls, even calling for a taxi was difficult for me initially. But I knew I had to get over this to have any kind of life!! So it may well be a combination of being a bit scared and being enabled not to move forward?

OP, the Open University has a section called Open Learn where they offer short online courses. A lot are free but some are a minimal cost and some of the free ones act as tasters to go on to Diplomas or further.He might find dipping into these without commitment could help with finding out what he’s interested in.There’s quite a range of Digital and Computing courses if he thinks that’s the way he wants to go.

https://www.open.edu/openlearn/

I do think you need to help him with domestic chores though. Unless he lives with you forever he’ll be much more prepared for living on his own and he’ll be far more attractive to a partner or even housemates if he can do the basics.

Good luck to you both.

This isn't a male partner though- or a parent. It's OPs child who has just turned 18 and has no dependents.

And for the record yes i can imagine if some mothers did do that, I know as I had to care for mine and run the house when she took to her bed for days on end and couldn't sustain work. Arguing that it's wrong for men to struggle because women aren't allowed to serves nobody - it keeps the bar for women unfairly high and doesn't encourage men to do anything differently to address their mental health. You're creating a race to the bottom..

"plenty of us get evening or weekend jobs to earn some money and not be spoon fed off our parents." I did this too but even I can see that it's very hard now for young people to get first jobs at 18 with no experience let alone if he DOES have issues with his mental health. This is more than an 18 yo not caring and being lazy- the fact he's extremely isolated and has just left school with absolutely no friends but yet worked hard enough to get great grades is very telling. You need no motivation to sit gaming - that's escapism! Motivation to face a scary and uncertain reality is very different.

He does sound depressed so don't kick him out. Be firm, but gentle. Take him to your GP. Suggest he joins a gym and only feed him healthy food - not the kind of stuff that will make him fat.

Has he tried apprenticeships! Would he mind travelling with you for a weekend away!

You can start by helping him to do these things for himself - cooking & washing etc.
He is a young adult - 2 years from turning 20! Sit him down, have a heart-to-heart, get him to book a GP apt & go with him - he desperately needs a sense of purpose, but a little tough love wouldn’t go amiss - let him know that this can’t continue…but that you’re willing to help him