18 year old son driving me to depression

Really sounds like he could be depressed from the description... I'd be finding him help and support, and helping him to find what it is he'd like to do for study or a job, not throwing him out.

Apologies, I think you've misunderstood my post, perhaps poor wording on my part. I did not say you weren't parenting, I was suggesting things you might try under the "parenting" heading to develop his confidence and skills.

Most 18 year olds with 6K sitting in the bank would either be out burning through it, or taking money serious that he'd have found a way to make more.

I'd say he's feeling overwhelmed and found himself into bad habits.

There are similar jobs as mentioned above, Cyber Security will always be an industry with need, or working in IT and moving into a specialist role from there. What about engineering? A design engineer?

Don't go cold turkey on things like washing and shopping, but do give him a week or two of training and expectations to get to grips with it then leave him to it. Maybe tell him he's in charge of the weekly shop til he's got a job/college etc. and kindly he doesn't have to know what he wants to do forever, any course that has any remote interest to him will still give him some social experience, get him out and back into a life routine as well as look good on a CV.

I hope he finds his happiness

Social anxiety is the norm if a child has been gently nurtured and is a gentleman. Please don't chalk it up to 'mental health disorders'.

@YawnSoTired what about something like this

https://bootcamps.manchester.ac.uk/cyber-security/?utm_source=google&utm_medium=cpc&utm_campaign=adw-manchester_cybersec_langEN_locUK_g__kw_cybersecurity%20course&utm_id=21911264398&utm_content=group_cs_cyber_security_course&utm_ad=721384243637&utm_term=cybersecurity%20course&gad_source=1&gbraid=0AAAAAqyw3T3DZ9EQg-VyIZ-BE_rJNMQ-v&gclid=CjwKCAjwtdi_BhACEiwA97y8BPJyo-XEZ5_N4yuxCjhkZiOA1lCMoteuPKVMkipa-iaAUKo2PkAKIxoCS7cQAvD_BwE

less intimidating than a full course but maybe even more helpful?

This is very normal for an 18 year old. They’ve spent their teenage years socialising via games. 2 years of missed socialising because of Covid doesn’t help.
i think 18 years old is still young enough not to realistically ‘throw him out’. There aren’t the jobs and shared houses etc out there as there were in the past.
I’d talk calmly to him, give him a ‘year out’ then suggest Work Away ( work abroad for accommodation/food).
He’s obviously bright if he got good A levels, he’ll get bored and realise he needs something more. Good luck, I’m sure you’re not alone in this situation

I’m also particular with laundry. And my DC are the same. You have to be very clear that he shouldn’t overfill the machine, as it can knacker the drum/motor. While I hate half loads for environmental reasons, I let it go with them doing their laundry, as they key is they do it. And I don’t want them doing mine.

Why would he work if he can get free food and board while playing PlayStation all day?

Don’t beat yourself up. Or get angry with your son. This is really really common right now. And it’s very easy to get into a rut if you’re not working. My DS is similar.

The job market’s very tough right now for everyone. It’s particularly hard for young people to get a job. Many graduates are struggling to get a first job. Even a lot of voluntary work is highly competitive.

I never used to get out of bed until at least lunchtime when I was young (until early 30s), unless if I had to be somewhere (e.g. uni, work). I was a night owl. Young people are much more nocturnal. My teen/adult DSs rarely get up before 1pm when they have nowhere to be. But as parents, who’re used to getting up early, we sometimes forget this.

Be gentle with him - IME getting stroppy or making ultimatums is counterproductive. He must be feeling rubbish already. Encourage him to get into a bit of a routine. Encourage him to do some sort of volunteering if he can get it. Suggest he signs up with a few agencies and is proactive in contacting them every couple of days. You have to persistant. Encourage him to apply for courses starting in Sept/Oct.

With housework, I find specific responsibilities help, e.g. he cooks dinner on Mondays and Wednesdays, including deciding what to make and buying the ingredients. He does his own laundry. He cleans the bathroom every week etc.

They have to be in education or training eg apprenticeship until 18 now anyway !

Ask him to help you find part time work, or volunteer job. You need his help …. Lead in to both of you looking but mostly him

I would give him an ultimatum further education or apprenticeship. Go along to some open days and look at options. He’s had nearly a year to sort this and hasn’t. He can’t spend forever hiding from the world.

I would change the WIFI password and only have it on between 7 and 8am, and after 5.30 in the evenings (basically outside normal working hours). He also needs to be doing his own chores and volunteering until he finds a job (this will help him find a job).

I find it funny you put 'shagging' alongside all those other things...

I had no idea what I wanted to do for a career at 16,18, or 22 post degree.

I worked from the age of 13 in various jobs (starting with paper round then pub kitchens, bar work, retail and supermarkets) then when left uni with rent to pay I took a civil service admin job. There I was exposed to a hidden world of job roles I’d never heard of (procurement, finance, estates management, IT project management). I then tried my hand at a few and found a passion and skill for project management and off I went. Job related training and further study (masters) came later, sponsored by my company.

The best advice I could give any young person is that it is 100% ok not to know what you want to do. BUT get out there into the world of work and immerse yourself in it. You don’t know what you don’t know at 18. And don’t rule out retail or hospitality- I know plenty who have started on the shop floor and worked their way up through the company.

OP I think you should gently suggest to your son that after 3/6/9 months he will need to pay housekeeping of an amount that would require him to have a job. This is how life works. You can either spend the housekeeping on bills or quietly save it away for him for a house deposit or similar.

Was thinking this, you can't categorically say 'he isn't depressed'. Not everyone who is depressed is aware of it.

Don't chuck him out, why would you do that? He's your son and you love him - look he sounds depressed, he needs help. Is dad or a male figure about?

There may be shorter term causes available to fill in the gap. Try searching in your local area or private message me the county where you live and I will look for you.

Have a look at what was the prince’s trust https://www.kingstrust.org.uk they have so much support to offer young people to get into employment.

Good luck. Parenting isn’t an easy path and even being willing to ask for help and other ideas shows how much you care. It’s hard to know what to do when you’re in a situation.

At 18 I was working hard at my a levels, dreaming of a degree so that I could get a professional job and be independent, working, seeing friends, and shagging. Adult life was starting and I was excited.

Everybody is different, different goals, personalities but I do think he is depressed as I think a lack of lust for life that age is concerning.

Hope you can sort it OP.

All that money with no real aim?

Kick him out!! Shocking suggestions! What a shitty response. What mother would do this?
Op, he is in that male age category where depression is at its worst. He feels a bit lost. What he needs is support and guidance. He probably doesn't even know himself what he wants/needs.
I'm sorry, I know it's hard for you to watch. I have just convinced my oldest to go to cbt therapy (at last) but it's a breakthrough for me after the last couple of years begging him to let me help him.
Good luck sweetie and keep being there for your boy. X
💐

I'm fussy with laundry and prefer to do it myself as he either stuffs far too much in the machine or puts next to nothing in which I'm far too tight to allow so I don't mind doing the laundry.

Don't let him do your laundry, just his own.
Charge him half of the electricity bills on a regular basis and bite your tongue when he puts in half-loads of his stuff.

You need to transition from a parent-child relationship to an adult-adult relationship.
Which for you basically means stop acting like his mum.
Treat him like a flat-mate or lodger.

Bring in the following changes over the next few weeks:
Don't do his laundry.
Draw up a rota for cleaning communal areas - i.e. all the house apart from your and his bedrooms.
Give him a separate cupboard and shelf in the fridge for his food - he is to now buy and cook all his own food, and buy his own toiletries.
Eat separately. Don't share meals.
Ask him to pay you a small amount for rent, plus half all the bills - calculate an average bills cost and charge him weekly or monthly alongside the rent, rather that wait for each bill to come in to ask for half.

He has to claim Universal Credit to pay his own way. (Advise him not to spend his savings on day-to-day living, but ultimately that is not up to you.)

I read that the job market is tough right now. Even though it's a numbers game, I wonder how productive it'll be for him to keep trying because some application forms can be ridiculously long. I'm a confident writer, and with my employment history length it can take a good 2 hrs once you've provided examples or addressed the multitude of tasks they want you to do in the role.

I think it would be more beneficial to him right now to build experience by volunteering. Try your local wildlife group to get him outdoors.

Also - look into 'anhedonia' , because depression doesn't just look like someone down or crying. It can also be a lack of joy or interest in life, a grey flatness, a lack of drive. It doesn't mean it needs medicating, but I don't think it would hurt to send him for a thyroid and testosterone test. Testosterone brought back my natural personality, zest for life and drive to pursue my interests (I'm female).