Any psychologists out there? MiL’s birthday

Maybe it's as straightforward as wishing you had more time together as a couple or as a family. Getting away once a year max is not a lot. Could you do some weekend breaks? Sounds like you love your husband and get on well with him and his family. It doesn't have to have a sinister meaning. You're judging yourself quite harshly, I think.

I get this too. My DH goes to a grand prix with a friend every years - been to Austin, Baku, and off to Miami this year. Not had a girls weekend for a decade due to never being able to coordinate with anyone because of childcare etc. says it’s fine for me to book, but I’m kind of jealous he doesn’t do similar trips with me. His parents, our only fall back for watching the kids really, are a little too old and whilst our kids are older now, they have ASD/ADHD so do need an adult present if not actively ‘childminding’ them.

Inspired by this thread am going to look at booking a few weekends away, even if it’s on my own.

I think you’ve just come to this conclusion but I think it is NYC specifically that’s causing this. You have never been but you can visualise it given how much it appears in our culture. Perhaps different from other trips where the location and activities may not be as familiar. You want to experience it together but you can’t.

Funnily enough my DH is planning a trip to take his Mum to NYC. I am fully supportive but underneath I have a nagging feeling of jealously which I haven’t had with any of the other trips DH has taken without me (which are rare, like you I get more than my fair share of trips). And it’s not even about him getting to experience NYC before me as I used to live there!

Erm, it’s not clear from your OP, but do you actually go away together??

Plan a nice couple of days with your daughters while they are away to take your mind off it
It Dosen’t sound like there was any malice behind the NY trip

He's going away with the family unit that pre-existed your relationship with him. I wonder if it means that underneath it all, you feel more anxious than usual about your bond with DH and also more sensitive to the feeling of being left out.

It's because you have different roles within the marriage. Yours is the traveller and he's the one who stays at home. It's part of your identity and you're feeling unsettled to be the one who isn't going.

Jealous as not invited. Fair enough. I’d be a bit jealous too. NYC is pretty cool

I think I would feel the same, don’t know why either, I suppose it would feel like I was being excluded from a family event or maybe it would seem like that particular was only for ‘real’ family ie ( blood relatives) as as you are not a blood relative you are not part of the ‘real family’

Is it a milestone birthday that is being celebrated?

It’s because it’s his mum and sister going as a family like before you met kinda thing back to childhood.

Where as with his friends it’s friends. When you go it’s females only. His going as a family but you’re not included in that family.

I think it's that feeling of knowing that they all know each other so well, being family. All the in jokes and everything, and this trip sort of cements that by being an experience they will all have in common, that you don't get to be part of.

Which is, basically FOMO. You are allowed to feel the way you feel, OP, even if it is irrational. But let him go and be happy to see him when he comes back, it's not his fault that you're feeling a touch 'dog in the manger' about his trip.

Do you feel that they will be speaking badly of you on the trip?

Perhaps you don’t like the thought of DH having a nice time without you. Maybe you want to be the only person to create those memories he will look back on fondly? Maybe you want him to miss you when you’re not together but understand he will probably be so busy and enjoying himself that he may not even have the chance to miss you?

Could it simply be then, that on this occasion you feel a bit left out?

Whats your relationship like with MIL and SIL?
Whats his relationship like with his DM and DSs?

Why did you mention that your MIL sometimes has your girls when you are away - is this connected to your feelings?

I think you’re feeling like this because DH is going to NYC with his DM & DSIS. This is gonna be a fab trip, you’re missing out and deep down you know it.

But I do think if your family dynamic is otherwise good, I am unsure why there was never a suggestion of you going too. (Childcare reasons?) Maybe that’s what you’re a bit miffed about.

@Notmotherofflowergirls I dont understand why you dont go on holiday together as a family?????

There's a particular feeling at home of being out of sync when one of us is looking forward to a nice weekend and the other will have unrelenting drudgery. It's easier when you're riding the same wave. Could it be something like that?

It honestly sounds like you are offended because it's not about you, all your other trips are about you and your happiness so this isn't about you and it's really upsetting for you. It might be worth working it out with yourself.

You asked for a psychologist response.

There is a lot of research into the psychology of being the one who leaves and the one who is left. The power is always with the one who leaves. This applies to a wide range of situations, working away, long distance relationships, various forms.

Give it a google if you think it will help.

I was thinking the same, it sounds like OP goes away an unusual amount. Yet says her husband going 3 times a year is “occasional”, that’s a lot.