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AIBU?

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Original poster

To not invite them to the wedding?

234 replies

Timetogoo · 09/04/2025 07:00

Please help, I’m having trouble with our wedding guest list. We both have big families and there’s a lot of people that we are very close to that we want there. The problem is, everyone has a plus one and it’s extremely expensive because it ends up being a LOT of people. I was speaking to my fiancés mum last night and she was saying I either need to invite peoples partners or not have them at all. I would agree with this all or nothing approach, however there are some peoples partners/spouses that we have relationships with, and others that I’ve probably only seen once in my life. We were specifically talking about two cousins who are sisters.
cousin 1 has been with her partner for 5 years, they have a house and a child together and we have been out with both of them numerous times and have a friendship with him.
cousin 2 has been with her partner for a few years, and I’ve seen him once or twice but never really spoken to him. My fiancés mum is saying I can’t invite one persons pertner and not the other. But I think surely it depends on our relationships with them?

she then goes on to say “x now has a girlfriend as well so you’d have to invite her” and I was getting so overwhelmed because I have only met X once and never ever met his new girlfriend and I don’t want to be introducing myself to people on my wedding day. I have to pay for people to be there and I’m not keen on paying for people that I don’t even know! But soon to be MIL is telling me it isn’t fair to have some and not others. It would also mean knocking some people off my own side of the family (actual family members) to make room for people partners that I’ve never met! We have a package which is 50 people. We can add more but it will cost extra per head and would honestly be so much money if we included everyone’s partners.

Please help.

OP posts:
Genevieva · 09/04/2025 07:35

Timetogoo · 09/04/2025 07:27

I did do the guest list before choosing the venue. I just didn’t share the guest list with anyone. DP and I sat down and did it before we even started searching for a venue. Now that it’s booked, I mentioned something last night and MIL said “wait… that person isn’t coming?” And I said no and then she said that isn’t right snd the convo went on from there

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In which case you are going to have to let MiL down gently.

Original poster
Timetogoo · 09/04/2025 07:34

Radiantblur · 09/04/2025 07:29

I wouldn’t worry either way. Most people won’t care anywhere near as much about your wedding as you do. There will be quite a few who will be welcoming of a reason not to attend.

This is also what I think, I said last night surely this person who has only met me twice and both times we just said “hello” will not care about not being invited! But MIL says it’s the principle.
I have a huge side of my family that I never see. I last saw them at my 30th birthday two years ago and haven’t spoken to any of them since. I don’t even have their phone numbers. I said to my mum would it be awful to not invite them and she thinks I should so I have included them in the guest list. But now I’m wondering if I knock them off to make room for closer relatives plus ones

OP posts:
jellyfishperiwinkle · 09/04/2025 07:33

Start with your list of friends first and family after. If family want you to invite more they can pay towards it. We have small families and narrowed it down to 110...

Genevieva · 09/04/2025 07:33

Timetogoo · 09/04/2025 07:09

I have mum, dad, step mum, step dad, a brother and sister, nanna, grandad, grandma.

My partner has mum, dad, step mum, step dad, and 6 siblings who all have partners or wives etc. and then his grandma. I’m extremely close to my auntie and want her there but then feel like I can’t invite my auntie and not his and then it just extends like that because if we are inviting aunties then we have to invite uncles, they all have partners. He is very close to his cousins and sees them all the time but he has 6 cousins who again all have partners but he feels he can’t invite just some cousins and not others. He has a best man and then 4 groomsman who are all already married and we were invited to their weddings (me included) so feel like we also have to add their wives as plus ones. And it just goes on and on adding more and more people.

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Allocate yourselves 25 places each and go from there. That way you don’t feel guilty for inviting your aunt and uncle.

user1492757084 · 09/04/2025 07:32

You clearly have numerous friends and cousins who you want to invite. They are close and they invited you to their wedding.

In your case I would invite partners if they are engaged or living together.
My brother has a useful saying - NO RING = NO BRING.

I would both invite all parents, grandparents, siblings and their partners. Closest friends and bridal party.

Then your fiance likes to invite cousins and their close partners, where as you like to invite Uncles and Aunties.

You don't have to invite all of your cousins, nor all of your friends, nor many of your parents' friends, nor all of your Aunties etc. Choose any child attendants from the children of guests already invited.

Personally, I would go for paying more for more guests but have heartier, sustaining food rather than light fancy food. Really examine your menu. Get value for your money.
The wedding cake can serve as sweets, with added ice-cream, cream and fruit. Make and freeze lots of the nibbles yourself in advance such as mini pizzas, savoury muffins, club sandwiches, mini sausages and dumplings. Serve food that goes a long way like Spaghetti Bolognaise, Green Chicken Curry, Spicy Lental Beef and rice, or large Spit Roasts with vegetables, gravy and extra baked potatoes for hungry folk. Offer cheese toasties late into the night. As long as guests are not hungry and they have a fun time.

MiddleClassProblem · 09/04/2025 07:31

Have you booked the venue?

Firstly it’s perfectly normal to invite one cousin’s partner who have been together years and not another’s who have been together months. Your OG list is fine but if you haven’t booked the venue, another option is core for service, then a blessing afterwards somewhere cheaper, possibly the same place as the reception where everyone is invited. I went to a wedding like this and the blessing was in a lovely local park (not the playground type) then on to the reception. For all, the blessing was like a proper wedding as it had reading and personal vows etc but they just did the legal bit else where before.

Radiantblur · 09/04/2025 07:29

I wouldn’t worry either way. Most people won’t care anywhere near as much about your wedding as you do. There will be quite a few who will be welcoming of a reason not to attend.

FiveMoreMinutesPlease · 09/04/2025 07:28

From past experience with leaving certain people out because of venue size, my suggestion would be to change your venue to cater for more. You will remember the feeling and the emotional joy in years to come, rather than the place.

inappropriateraspberry · 09/04/2025 07:27

I’d invite immediate family, including partners and niblings. Then invite aunts and uncles, but not cousins if space/numbers are limited. You can invite them to the evening. I agree with MIL, it’s kind of all or nothing as it can get very complicated otherwise! At our wedding many of my cousins have adult children who then also have partners, so we said no children apart from our nephews. Everyone u sees told. Some cousins with younger children couldn’t come. Fine, we all understood why and no hard feelings. Also remember that you may invite people, but that doesn’t mean they will come! Your cousin’s partner who you don’t know many not want to come, or somebody else may have other commitments that day already.

whosaidtha · 09/04/2025 07:27

I think I would be put out if my sister’s partner was invited but mine wasn’t. Especially a relationship of a few years. Maybe less if it was a partner of just a few months.

Original poster
Timetogoo · 09/04/2025 07:27

Genevieva · 09/04/2025 07:25

Traditionally spouses get an invitation, but boyfriends / girlfriends don’t. These days that might require some judgement regarding who is effectively married, depending on your circle of friends.

You don’t know X, so he snd his girlfriend won’t be expecting an invitation. However, I do think it’s sensible to start Roth that guest list before choosing the venue. Our wedding was never going to be fewer than 125 people, so we chose accordingly. It wasn’t an expensive wedding. Your 50-80 person venue might be putting unnecessary strain by on you.

I did do the guest list before choosing the venue. I just didn’t share the guest list with anyone. DP and I sat down and did it before we even started searching for a venue. Now that it’s booked, I mentioned something last night and MIL said “wait… that person isn’t coming?” And I said no and then she said that isn’t right snd the convo went on from there

OP posts:
Original poster
Timetogoo · 09/04/2025 07:26

MesmerisingMuon · 09/04/2025 07:21

Your wedding and your budget.

Why not have just parents, siblings and grandparents?

Or just elope??? Far less stressful then spend the money you save on a trip round the world.

We have considered both options. It’s just that I have an auntie that I’m extremely close to and has helped me with a lot in my life and I want her there. But then I know that will cause upset like “why is she invited and I’m not?” Etc. same with DP.. he really wants certain close friends there. I asked if he could narrow it down and just have 1 best man but he has been the best man at 3 peoples weddings and wants them all involved as his groomsmen. Also he has one cousin specifically (who I mentioned in my OP as cousin 1) who we see all the time. We go out with them regularly and have been on holiday with them and he is adamant that he wants them there. Which is understandable

OP posts:
Genevieva · 09/04/2025 07:25

Traditionally spouses get an invitation, but boyfriends / girlfriends don’t. These days that might require some judgement regarding who is effectively married, depending on your circle of friends.

You don’t know X, so he snd his girlfriend won’t be expecting an invitation. However, I do think it’s sensible to start Roth that guest list before choosing the venue. Our wedding was never going to be fewer than 125 people, so we chose accordingly. It wasn’t an expensive wedding. Your 50-80 person venue might be putting unnecessary strain by on you.

BlondiePortz · 09/04/2025 07:24

RanyaJerodung · 09/04/2025 07:23

You could cut down on the evening invitations and have more for the day time?

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We just had wedding and reception with same people I dont get this multible event thing, so that oculd save money

RanyaJerodung · 09/04/2025 07:24

Agix · 09/04/2025 07:17

This is exactly why fiance and I gave up and decided we're having parents and siblings only, at our local council house for our wedding.

We loved the idea of a big fancy wedding with everyone there in ways, but the reality was way too stressful, time consuming and expensive when we sat down to organise it. We have better things to do and spend money on.

My dad's advice was invite who we want, and don't invite who we don't want. Whatever we do, someone is going to gossip and be upset. I feel people will be less upset at not being invited if we make our wedding a total non-event.

What do you mean by your local council house?

Queenofthebrae · 09/04/2025 07:23

We had a similar sized wedding and I used the logic - if I wouldn’t ring you up in normal circumstances and invite you to dinner, then I’m not paying for a meal for you at my wedding. Harsh but I think weddings can get out of hand with family politics and trying to please others.

RanyaJerodung · 09/04/2025 07:23

Timetogoo · 09/04/2025 07:17

It is just day time and then evening is 80 people

Show quote history

You could cut down on the evening invitations and have more for the day time?

Dollshousedolly · 09/04/2025 07:22

Really, it would be bad manners where you have two cousins who are sisters and only invite the partner of one. Since you’re going to extend invitations out to cousins, you may just try and budget for an extra 10/15 guests. However, there would be no need to invite a cousin’s very new girlfriend.

thepariscrimefiles · 09/04/2025 07:21

If you have a package of 50 people, surely you split this between your side and his side so you can each invite 25 people. It's not up to his mum at all, unless she is paying for everything. If she isn't and she insists that all the cousins with their partners are invited, she can pay the extra above the standard package.

MesmerisingMuon · 09/04/2025 07:21

Your wedding and your budget.

Why not have just parents, siblings and grandparents?

Or just elope??? Far less stressful then spend the money you save on a trip round the world.

Original poster
Timetogoo · 09/04/2025 07:17

CoffeeBeansGalore · 09/04/2025 07:15

Is 50 just the daytime wedding meal number, then you invite extra for the evening? Or is that it for the whole day?

It is just day time and then evening is 80 people

OP posts:
BlondiePortz · 09/04/2025 07:17

Why not just have a small wedding ie both your siblings and first cousins, immediate aunt/uncle's, I dont see why second cousins and other 'relationship distant' people would need to be invited

Agix · 09/04/2025 07:17

This is exactly why fiance and I gave up and decided we're having parents and siblings only, at our local council house for our wedding.

We loved the idea of a big fancy wedding with everyone there in ways, but the reality was way too stressful, time consuming and expensive when we sat down to organise it. We have better things to do and spend money on.

My dad's advice was invite who we want, and don't invite who we don't want. Whatever we do, someone is going to gossip and be upset. I feel people will be less upset at not being invited if we make our wedding a total non-event.

Original poster
Timetogoo · 09/04/2025 07:17

RanyaJerodung · 09/04/2025 07:13

You've obviously got a big, loving family. What a bonus in life! It would be a shame if anyone wasn't invited that's part of your family and friendship group. When you decided on 50, was that your calculation which included everyone?

It was honestly just down to cost! I have been to two weddings this year of my very close friends who messaged us in our chat and said they were really sorry but to keep costs down our partners we’re not invited to the ceremony but could join the reception. So I just thought this was more normal now. We did a guest list and it came to about 60 people so we said we would pay extra for those 60 guests but now I brought it up to his mum who has told us this isn’t right and we absolutely can’t invite some and not others snd now I’m stressing out about how much extra it’s going to cost for all these people. I have thought of knocking some of my family off my list to make room for plus ones on DPs side but then that feels wrong too

OP posts:
CoffeeBeansGalore · 09/04/2025 07:15

Is 50 just the daytime wedding meal number, then you invite extra for the evening? Or is that it for the whole day?