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AIBU?

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Original poster

To not invite them to the wedding?

234 replies

Timetogoo · 09/04/2025 07:00

Please help, I’m having trouble with our wedding guest list. We both have big families and there’s a lot of people that we are very close to that we want there. The problem is, everyone has a plus one and it’s extremely expensive because it ends up being a LOT of people. I was speaking to my fiancés mum last night and she was saying I either need to invite peoples partners or not have them at all. I would agree with this all or nothing approach, however there are some peoples partners/spouses that we have relationships with, and others that I’ve probably only seen once in my life. We were specifically talking about two cousins who are sisters.
cousin 1 has been with her partner for 5 years, they have a house and a child together and we have been out with both of them numerous times and have a friendship with him.
cousin 2 has been with her partner for a few years, and I’ve seen him once or twice but never really spoken to him. My fiancés mum is saying I can’t invite one persons pertner and not the other. But I think surely it depends on our relationships with them?

she then goes on to say “x now has a girlfriend as well so you’d have to invite her” and I was getting so overwhelmed because I have only met X once and never ever met his new girlfriend and I don’t want to be introducing myself to people on my wedding day. I have to pay for people to be there and I’m not keen on paying for people that I don’t even know! But soon to be MIL is telling me it isn’t fair to have some and not others. It would also mean knocking some people off my own side of the family (actual family members) to make room for people partners that I’ve never met! We have a package which is 50 people. We can add more but it will cost extra per head and would honestly be so much money if we included everyone’s partners.

Please help.

OP posts:
LighthouseTeaCup · 09/04/2025 08:22

My advice is to stop asking people for their opinions (your MIL and strangers on the Internet) and just do what will make you and your fiancé happy.

You will not be able to please everyone within a sensible budget. And frankly, why should you? This is your wedding. There are 2 important people here. Look after each other. Hope you have a beautiful day and many happy years together ❤️

MissScarletInTheBallroom · 09/04/2025 08:21

Your fiancé needs to tell his mother that you have a set number of people you can invite and a fixed budget, and the two of you will decide who to invite within that head count and budget. If she wants to make a financial contribution towards the wedding then you will of course use it to invite more people, but you will still be the ones who decide who those people are.

cakeandteaandcake · 09/04/2025 08:19

Timetogoo · 09/04/2025 07:27

I did do the guest list before choosing the venue. I just didn’t share the guest list with anyone. DP and I sat down and did it before we even started searching for a venue. Now that it’s booked, I mentioned something last night and MIL said “wait… that person isn’t coming?” And I said no and then she said that isn’t right snd the convo went on from there

Show quote history

Ask her if she would like to pay for those people then!

I think it’s fine to invite an aunt you’re close to without inviting all aunts and uncles. As PP said, you can’t please everyone with weddings so you may as well do what works for you.

Hazeby · 09/04/2025 08:18

Forget keeping it equal. If you have an auntie you are close to, invite her. But that doesn’t mean your fiancé has to invite his auntie, if he otherwise wouldn’t. Forget that kind of thinking!

Hollietree · 09/04/2025 08:17

I would split it down the middle. You get 25 spaces for your family and friends. Fiancé gets 25 spaces for his family and friends.

I would sit down with fiancé and his Mum and make a suggested list of 25 people together. So she can clearly see herself that it’s not possible to invite any extra bf/gf that you hardly know. If she keeps insisting that you absolutely must have more people, then remind her firmly that you do not have the budget for more than 25 people. If she insists they have to be there, tell her how much £ it is per head and tell her she can pay for any extras over 25 people that she must have there.

RanyaJerodung · 09/04/2025 08:17

Why did you decide on a wedding with not a lot of people when you have a lot of people you're close to?
I don't know how firm the arrangements are, but you can do a couple of things. Invite everyone, but find a bigger, cheaper venue. I went to one which was in a leisure centre - it was fine.
Or - don't have 50 day+ 80 evening. Just invite people to your wedding and ditch the evening thing. You will have less to cater for in total.
Finally? Just leave it as it is and deal with the fall out.

LighthouseTeaCup · 09/04/2025 08:17

RanyaJerodung · 09/04/2025 07:58

It's not to make the guest feel "comfortable", it's because you acknowledge relationships.
However. It's a cost issue here. I think maybe the venue is too small?

At a party that my partner and I am hosting, at our own expense, my relationship to each guest trumps their relationship to another person I don't know.

Plus 1s are a politeness desirable for formal events where guests don't know other guests.

They are not a necessity.

And not required at an event where guests know each other

GabriellaMontez · 09/04/2025 08:16

Gloriia · 09/04/2025 08:09

'We are having a wedding in a way that we can afford. Which means cutting a few things out '

Which is fine but you can't invite one cousins dp because you socialise with them and not the the other cousin's dp. Just don't invite cousins in that case or only invite them without their dps. but be consistent.

I disagree.

You can be consistent by not inviting people you have never spoken to. (Partner of the cousin)

It would be crazy to not invite people that you want, because of the risk of upsetting the partner of a cousin you've never spoken to.

Mumofoneandone · 09/04/2025 08:15

Your wedding, your choice!! Absolutely can pick and choose whether to include +1s or not on a case by case basis. My cousin invited my brother and his wife to their wedding but only me and not my DH. (I didn't go in the end but that was for other reasons) I was a bit annoyed but respected their decision.
Please don't be pressured into including people you don't want to.

TheFunHare · 09/04/2025 08:14

I think another consideration is that you want everyone to have a good time and if you are there without your partner it's probably not putting you in the best place to do that. I would always have choosen numbers over more fancy choices. But also if its stressing you that's not what this is supposed to be about. Can ypu think again about the type of wedding.

Neemie · 09/04/2025 08:14

50-60 is a tricky number if you have much of a family. It means you are going to have to be very tough about who you invite, but it is too big to say you only kept it to immediate family.

Original poster
Timetogoo · 09/04/2025 08:13

Gloriia · 09/04/2025 08:09

'We are having a wedding in a way that we can afford. Which means cutting a few things out '

Which is fine but you can't invite one cousins dp because you socialise with them and not the the other cousin's dp. Just don't invite cousins in that case or only invite them without their dps. but be consistent.

I have seen a few people say that the rule for their wedding was “if I haven’t seen you in the past two years you aren’t invited” if I was going by that rule then there would have to be some unfairness to it. It’s like someone else said on here… do I want my wedding photos full of people I don’t know?

however, I am willing to accept that I can’t do this if the majority say it isn’t right. That’s why I’ve posted to see what the general consensus is because I will reconsider if it’s going to cause major upset and drama. That’s not what I want. It’s just difficult because we agreed on a wedding wjth not a lot of people but there’s so many people that we are so close to and want there that it then makes the numbers massive when you say “well if they’re, coming that means they have to come, and if they’re coming on your side I will have to invite on my side” it would have to be all or nothing which means people very close and dear to us would have to miss out on the day. Ugh

OP posts:
Velvian · 09/04/2025 08:13

How about if you each have 30 guests @Timetogoo ? Then you can be consistent with your own families. DP doesn't invite cousins at all and you invite cousins and their partners.

MyDeftDuck · 09/04/2025 08:11

Personally, I would get married in secret and tell no one until after the event - yes, I know this would upset some but with escalating costs for the alternative scenario it would at least put a stop to the ever increasing invitation list.
Then, book a venue that has a bar where guests can buy their own drinks and provide an evening buffet (people will have had a meal before attending). This will no doubt work out so much cheaper and you will not have to favour one over another with the invitations.

Mumof2girls2121 · 09/04/2025 08:10

This is exactly why 22 years in DP and I are not married. 😂
I couldn’t cope with the guest list

GabriellaMontez · 09/04/2025 08:10

We are paying for it all ourselves with absolutely no contributions.

Then you and df should do as you please. Mil sounds overinvolved. Now may be a good time to stop discussing it with her.

Why is she chatting to you and not your df about it? Is it because he won't tolerate her?!

FrozenFeathers · 09/04/2025 08:09

Timetogoo · 09/04/2025 07:05

Thank you, me and DP were talking to MIL on the phone together about it and both of us were standing firm that it’s our wedding and we will decide ourselves. But since then i can’t stop thinking about it and haven’t been able to sleep properly because I’m now wondering if we have to invite all these extra people and how much that’s going to cost 😔

Show quote history

If you don't object to the people and their partners being there for personal reasons and cost is the only prohibiting factor, I would suggest to your future MIL that they pay for the extra people they would like to be invited.

Gloriia · 09/04/2025 08:09

'We are having a wedding in a way that we can afford. Which means cutting a few things out '

Which is fine but you can't invite one cousins dp because you socialise with them and not the the other cousin's dp. Just don't invite cousins in that case or only invite them without their dps. but be consistent.

Original poster
Timetogoo · 09/04/2025 08:06

To the people saying you can’t afford this wedding, we absolutely can afford the wedding we have booked. We can’t afford a big 30k wedding with 100s of people in a big amazing venue. Which is exactly why we aren’t doing that. We are having a wedding in a way that we can afford. Which means cutting a few things out (we are having a twilight which starts later in the day and goes from ceremony straight to reception with a buffet. No big formal sit down meal) and keeping the guests to a certain number. It would be a shame to not get married just because I can’t afford everyone’s plus ones. We are getting married in a way that we can mange. We are paying for it all ourselves with absolutely no contributions.

OP posts:
TruthOrNo · 09/04/2025 08:04

Genevieva · 09/04/2025 07:35

In which case you are going to have to let MiL down gently.

Show quote history

What

Whose wedding is it. MIL had her wedding, it's nothing to do with her
I'd be saying to her if she wants all of these extra people inviting then she can pay for them.

londongirl12 · 09/04/2025 08:03

I’d say to mil that unless she wants to fund all the extra places, then it’s your decision. Although I think inviting cousin 1s partner but not cousin 2 could cause some rift, so that’s something to consider. Can you not do evening guests and use that money to fund more people during the day? Or don’t invite cousins at all apart from the evening. Or just invite who you want to and stick to it.

p.s. please don’t serve spaghetti bolognese at your wedding like someone suggested!!

TheGentleOpalMember · 09/04/2025 08:01

Big families and all this hassle, sounds like eloping or a registry ceremony and tell people you are married at a later date would be a better idea.

NotNowMrTumble · 09/04/2025 08:00

And you chose that venue for a reason.

So don’t change your venue to appease other people. Don’t invite people you don’t know.

What happens next? They change your wedding dress?

NotNowMrTumble · 09/04/2025 07:59

This is exactly why my DD and her BF are delaying their wedding.

Your fiancé needs to explain to his Mum that you two can only afford 50 people. If your MIL wants to invite extra people from her side of the family then she has to pay for them herself. In advance. Before the wedding invitations go out.

My DM interfered with my wedding guest list and verbally invited loads of relative’s girlfriends who I’d never met and then blocked me when I wanted to invite one of my stepfather’s relatives and his wife. I still regret that decision 30 years later.

Petal, it’s your day. Your wedding. You pay for what you want to happen. If everyone chimes in with what they say should happen then they should open a kitty and take a collection for the all the extra guests they want there.

RanyaJerodung · 09/04/2025 07:58

It's not to make the guest feel "comfortable", it's because you acknowledge relationships.
However. It's a cost issue here. I think maybe the venue is too small?