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AIBU?

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Original poster

To not invite them to the wedding?

234 replies

Timetogoo · 09/04/2025 07:00

Please help, I’m having trouble with our wedding guest list. We both have big families and there’s a lot of people that we are very close to that we want there. The problem is, everyone has a plus one and it’s extremely expensive because it ends up being a LOT of people. I was speaking to my fiancés mum last night and she was saying I either need to invite peoples partners or not have them at all. I would agree with this all or nothing approach, however there are some peoples partners/spouses that we have relationships with, and others that I’ve probably only seen once in my life. We were specifically talking about two cousins who are sisters.
cousin 1 has been with her partner for 5 years, they have a house and a child together and we have been out with both of them numerous times and have a friendship with him.
cousin 2 has been with her partner for a few years, and I’ve seen him once or twice but never really spoken to him. My fiancés mum is saying I can’t invite one persons pertner and not the other. But I think surely it depends on our relationships with them?

she then goes on to say “x now has a girlfriend as well so you’d have to invite her” and I was getting so overwhelmed because I have only met X once and never ever met his new girlfriend and I don’t want to be introducing myself to people on my wedding day. I have to pay for people to be there and I’m not keen on paying for people that I don’t even know! But soon to be MIL is telling me it isn’t fair to have some and not others. It would also mean knocking some people off my own side of the family (actual family members) to make room for people partners that I’ve never met! We have a package which is 50 people. We can add more but it will cost extra per head and would honestly be so much money if we included everyone’s partners.

Please help.

OP posts:
Lillers · 09/04/2025 08:44

Do not listen to your MIL.

Before you spoke to her, you were comfortable with the guest list, package, venue etc.

You spoke to her and now you’re uncomfortable.

It doesn’t matter that some people on here think she’s right, some people think she’s wrong, some have other ideas, etc. What matters is that you were perfectly fine with your plan and then someone chipped in with their ideas. No matter who you spoke to, they’d have a different idea. Say you do decide to invite everyone, and then your mum or aunt says, “Oh that’s a shame, you’re paying all that money and it’ll be far too busy, we won’t even get to see you!” Are you going to change it again?

So, the bottom line with weddings is to do what makes you and your fiance happy (within reason). You have your guest list that you were happy with, now it’s just a case of communicating it in a way that everyone understands. If the cousin (eg) is upset, they can choose not to come (I bet they do come though). They might offer to pay for their partner: “Great! It’s £110 per head for the food, £40 for the drinks, £25 for sundries such as place setting, favour etc. Looking forward to receiving the £175 and then I’ll update the venue!”

Original poster
Timetogoo · 09/04/2025 08:44

arcticpandas · 09/04/2025 08:40

How about changing the venue to allow for more people to come and just scale down on food costs and everything else? Like home made buffets (Mil can be helpful surely) and non expensive decorations. I bought my wedding dress on Vinted for 50 £ , shoes 30 £, a friend did my hair etc. Surely you can find ways to ecomonise. If not tell Mil you can invite everyone if she contributes to the cost😉

Yes I like this idea! The food comes with the package so I could look for a venue that allows my own catering and then try and do it cheaper. It’s already a very good price because of it being a twilight wedding but I think if it’s going to cause this much stress and drama I will have to look at changing it

OP posts:
Gazelda · 09/04/2025 08:42

i’d Be very uncomfortable at your wedding if I were cousin 2. I’d feel a spare part and ‘no 50’ on the guest list.

how much more would it cost to invite their partner? Surely you can find a way to save that amount? Or ask MIL to contribute? Is it pride that is causing your inflexibility? Have you considered the long term fall out with these 2 cousins? (I’d feel some loyalty to my sis if I was cousin 1).

and not being able to afford to invite a cousins partner (when their siblings partner is invited) seems a bit harsh considering he best man + 4 groomsmen.

I get that you’re not close to this person. But I think this is a compromise that would pay off.

Overhaul54 · 09/04/2025 08:42

Neemie · 09/04/2025 08:29

Lots of people on here say things like ‘it’s your wedding, your choice’ or ‘it’s your day so you decide’ but this is bollocks. You are actually arranging a party that is enjoyable for guests and doesn’t piss off friends and family.

Agree. And I also think it's ok to ask for opinions given you aren't an actual wedding planner and probably haven't organised one before.

People forget there's a lot of decisions and the order you think about the primary ones will impact others : date, guest list, venue.

As you have lots of family Op I would go for either, bigger less formal wedding or do a dramatic chop and just have nearest and dearest somewhere fabulous.

MesmerisingMuon · 09/04/2025 08:40

Timetogoo · 09/04/2025 07:26

We have considered both options. It’s just that I have an auntie that I’m extremely close to and has helped me with a lot in my life and I want her there. But then I know that will cause upset like “why is she invited and I’m not?” Etc. same with DP.. he really wants certain close friends there. I asked if he could narrow it down and just have 1 best man but he has been the best man at 3 peoples weddings and wants them all involved as his groomsmen. Also he has one cousin specifically (who I mentioned in my OP as cousin 1) who we see all the time. We go out with them regularly and have been on holiday with them and he is adamant that he wants them there. Which is understandable

Show quote history

In which case you need to change your wedding plans.

Invite everyone. Hire a marquee. Have a buffet rather than a sit down meal. More people but cheaper option. The people are the important bit.

A friend of mine got their local Indian restaurant to do a meal for their wedding - amazing!!!

arcticpandas · 09/04/2025 08:40

How about changing the venue to allow for more people to come and just scale down on food costs and everything else? Like home made buffets (Mil can be helpful surely) and non expensive decorations. I bought my wedding dress on Vinted for 50 £ , shoes 30 £, a friend did my hair etc. Surely you can find ways to ecomonise. If not tell Mil you can invite everyone if she contributes to the cost😉

RanyaJerodung · 09/04/2025 08:37

LighthouseTeaCup · 09/04/2025 08:17

At a party that my partner and I am hosting, at our own expense, my relationship to each guest trumps their relationship to another person I don't know.

Plus 1s are a politeness desirable for formal events where guests don't know other guests.

They are not a necessity.

And not required at an event where guests know each other

Show quote history

No guests are a "necessity".
But each to their own.

PosiePerkinPootleFlump · 09/04/2025 08:36

I went to a wedding years ago where the bride (a good friend) spoke to me before invitations and said that because they were limited on space they’d only be inviting people’s partners where they knew them well.
Because she and her fiancé had relocated they didn’t know my partner even though we lived together, albeit had only been together 18 months or so.
I was fine with this - but I do think you need to give people a proper heads up via a chat, not just an invitation for one arriving in the post

Dora33 · 09/04/2025 08:35

Definitely spilt your initial 50 down the middle with 25 guests each. The extra 10 spots you are adding on, can then be used by either of you.
As going by your list, your partners' invites, would be more suited to a larger wedding of 100 people. With his 6 siblings, 1 bestman & 4 groomsmen & all their partners.
Whereas, you don't even mention 1 bridesmaids, nevermind 5.
I assume you have 5 as 5 groomsmen with less bridesmaids would look very uneven.
You should definitely include your aunt in your side of the invites.

Original poster
Timetogoo · 09/04/2025 08:35

Youvebeenframed · 09/04/2025 08:22

It looks like you are trying to fit a square peg into a round hole and
you have picked the wrong venue/ package for your needs.
my suggestions:

Can you have a late wedding, change menu and amalgamate am and pm guests?
Sack off any “extras” … unnecessary decor, band for just a DJ, cars- use a mate’s, favours - complete waste of money, photo booths, sweet tables etc etc

But I haven’t picked the wrong venue for my needs. The venue accommodates the people on my guest list and we can afford it. It’s other people that are telling me I need to invite x y and z but I don’t want to invite those people because I don’t know them. We are already having twilight wedding. The package is ceremony at 4pm, straight into party with a buffet. It includes a DJ and food within the package. If I went for anything cheaper to accommodate more guests I would probably just have to do a registry office wedding. But doing a registry office just so that people I don’t know can attend seems an odd thing to do.

OP posts:
minnienono · 09/04/2025 08:33

I’d cut cousins you don’t socialise with (excluding weddings and funerals)

TheGaaTheSkaAndTheRa · 09/04/2025 08:31

Have less than 50 for the reception. Immediate family only and everyone and the vicars dog to the evening do.

That's what we did.

Weddings are $$$ mad now and people understand. If they don't, fuck 'em.

Needtosoundoffandbreathe · 09/04/2025 08:31

Can you move the wedding to a cheaper venue where you have more flexibility? E.g. a village hall with a bar where you can get caterers in and have all the guests?

Flossflower · 09/04/2025 08:30

Neemie · 09/04/2025 08:29

Lots of people on here say things like ‘it’s your wedding, your choice’ or ‘it’s your day so you decide’ but this is bollocks. You are actually arranging a party that is enjoyable for guests and doesn’t piss off friends and family.

Rubbish

Neemie · 09/04/2025 08:29

Lots of people on here say things like ‘it’s your wedding, your choice’ or ‘it’s your day so you decide’ but this is bollocks. You are actually arranging a party that is enjoyable for guests and doesn’t piss off friends and family.

Original poster
Timetogoo · 09/04/2025 08:29

RanyaJerodung · 09/04/2025 08:17

Why did you decide on a wedding with not a lot of people when you have a lot of people you're close to?
I don't know how firm the arrangements are, but you can do a couple of things. Invite everyone, but find a bigger, cheaper venue. I went to one which was in a leisure centre - it was fine.
Or - don't have 50 day+ 80 evening. Just invite people to your wedding and ditch the evening thing. You will have less to cater for in total.
Finally? Just leave it as it is and deal with the fall out.

Because the people that we are close to are all included in that number. It’s all of the plus ones added that are now stretching the budget to unaffordable. We were originally planning on a registry office followed by a party somewhere and keep it nice and cheap. We decided to look at some venues anyway just so we could be sure and there were a couple that we could comfortably afford with the guest list we had written. I can cancel the venue though and get my deposit back as we only booked it 3 weeks ago so it’s a possibility to look for somewhere else

OP posts:
Flossflower · 09/04/2025 08:26

BlueMum16 · 09/04/2025 07:05

Start with mums and dad's and siblings. How many do you have.
Do you have grandparents? How many does this take you to?
Then add your closest friends. How many to you have?

How many places or.the 50 are left?

This is your wedding. It's your guest list.

Personally unless you socialise with cousins they wouldn't make my list.

But MIL s correct, you can't invite one cousin's partner and not another IMO.

Not everybody invites their parents siblings! They might not be close.
My children had to cut down on numbers. They did not give blanket plus ones. They only invited relatives they were close to and only invited partners of friends if they knew them well. They did not invite anybody they had not seen for years.
I think this how their friends did their own weddings too.
I don’t think OPs future MIL gets to say what guests will be invited. It should be between OP and her OH.

Rocknrollstar · 09/04/2025 08:24

DS and DiL decided not invite any cousins and explained about the cost and numbers the venue could hold. If you made a wedding for 300 people someone would be annoyed at being left out.

financialcareerstuff · 09/04/2025 08:24

If simply it is this one partner you know well and like then simply say it is a no partner wedding, but he and his spouse (the cousin) are both being invited individually, as you have friendships with both of them.

CurbsideProphet · 09/04/2025 08:24

If your MIL / mum are insisting that certain people need to be invited then they can pay for those extra guests.

When DH and I got married my parents paid for my aunts / uncles / cousins / their partners to come, on the basis that it was "right" that they came, but I didn't want to not have any of my friends there. It was an easy solution for us when going through the guest list options and saved any of that "but you can't not invite blah blah blah".

SanctusInDistress · 09/04/2025 08:23

You have 3 choices:

  1. stick to the current venue and invite only who you want and forget about the fallout.
  2. get a loan to pay for everybody at the current venue.
  3. find a different venue where you can invite everybody without going over budget.

which one will you choose?

MargaretThursday · 09/04/2025 08:22

If one of my cousins saw my sister and family often and hardly saw me, then I wouldn't be offended if they didn't invite dh or even didn't invite me.
DM might be insulted on my behalf, I think.

Would people genuinely feel put out that they were treated differently because of a different relationship? Surely you get out what you put in to a certain extent. Different I suppose if they keep asking you to meet up and you don't though, but you've given no sign of that.

Hazeby · 09/04/2025 08:22

Also, don’t discuss your guest list with anyone anymore

SaladSandwichesForTea · 09/04/2025 08:22

You must recognise that knocking people off your own family is is bonkers?

It's not the old days where wedding cost a pittance.

Write a list of who you WANT there. See if there are any leftover spaces and invite the extras you want there (I'd probably start with family plus ones to reduce the aggro)

You will inevitably offend someone so make it someone you don't care much about.

And as for the cousins, you aren't inviting plus ones, you're inviting people you want there, the fact two of them are in a relationship is neither here nor there.

You basically have 3 options:

  • have a cheaper wedding and a bigger cast list
  • have the wedding you want and piss some people off

You're paying, you have to live with it, so make a decision and just disconnect emotionally.

Im sure you were super excited to get engaged so have a day out woth your partner, no wedding talk, and remember that this is your wddding and planning should at least be a bit fun, otherwose you may as well just go to the registry office. Plan it your way and have a lovely day.

Youvebeenframed · 09/04/2025 08:22

It looks like you are trying to fit a square peg into a round hole and
you have picked the wrong venue/ package for your needs.
my suggestions:

Can you have a late wedding, change menu and amalgamate am and pm guests?
Sack off any “extras” … unnecessary decor, band for just a DJ, cars- use a mate’s, favours - complete waste of money, photo booths, sweet tables etc etc