To not invite them to the wedding?

I agree you either have all partners or none. Division, where some can come and some aren’t invited, creates real upset and anger that hangs about for years - ask me how I know! One of the reasons I eloped in the end having seen the fallout! Then we had a mental big party when we got back from honeymoon. No one could complain as no one was invited to the wedding, and literally everyone was invited to the party. It is of course entirely up to you, and defo not your MIL-to be - just saying you will need to own your decisions on this for years to come.

It's so stressful isn't it and feels like you have to try and please everyone. I've got a massive family that I'm close to, and DH has got a small family but loads of friends. We ended up hiring a barn venue, having a big bbq with a buffet, loads of cheese and stuff like that, a dj, and just invited everyone. We had 135 people come in total, and it ended up being way cheaper than having a more formal venue for half the amount of people

I do agree with some pp's that you don't want to upset friends and family and you do want to try and make it a nice enjoyable day for them, but you've also got to do whatever is right for you both and what you both want which is what really matters

I took a similar stance to you- if we had met the partners we invited them, if we hadn’t then we didn’t. I few comments were made but I just said I didn’t want people I had never met at my wedding. This was for family and friends.

I have 9 cousins. I invited 4 of the 6 that I am close to. The only male cousin I invited had a GF, the others I phoned their mum beforehand and said that they could come if they really wanted to, but I didn't want them to feel obliged. They decided not to come. The other three I didn't see much (one hadn't invited me to her wedding, though her brother has subsequently invited me to both of his). It hasn't caused a big fallout.

I have no idea where Germany came from!
Let her and your DP decide it should have read

I think its a shame for your partner that he grew up close to his cousins but they won't be at his wedding. It would feel a bit weird for me. And not to have your close family memebers as a whole group, like going to dinner at your granny's but some of your family aren't allowed to come in, it wouldn't feel 'right'.

But that's just how I see weddings, and tbh I'm no Oracle because after 18 years I'm still not married to my partner for these very concerns you have!

I wouldn't enjoy a biggish wedding where I'd left people out, I cant afford an actually big wedding where I would include everyone, and I don't want to go small small because everyone would have to travel to us and I'd hate for it to be big hassle for them to come to a boring low key event.

This, talk to your husband to be invite who you like/want finalise your guest list and send the invites. It really is up to you if you add +1s or not.

Lately I've become extremely cynical about people including family that you don't interact with for multiple years and what the point of such a relationship even is. I don't blame you for not wanting to prioritise them however this seems to be a minority view and one your MIL doesn't share.

Agree with PP, I think with big families a 60 person wedding is a bit worst of both worlds. It's too small to accommodate the typical range of extended family people might expect while being too big to be a small wedding. People are more understanding about not making the cut for small weddings.

I think it depends on how attached you are to the venue and how much family fall out you feel able to manage. You'll never please everyone with weddings.

Cousin 2 partner yes, new girlfriend no.

It’s YOUR wedding and budget. Honestly just invite who you want to the daytime and add the ones who you can’t afford or not met many times to the evening it’s really not that difficult. Ignore your MIL she sounds like she’s sticking her nose in to much. We are getting married abroad in September and our original number was 80. It’s now at 100 because my partner wanted to invite more people on his side which is fine and we’re lucky we can afford it. if I had the option and it wasn’t abroad it would be evening only.

Stick to your list of 60. Say to MIL it's your wedding, (I presume) you are paying for it (did I miss who is paying) and thus you'll have to stick to the 60. No discussion.

If MIL is not happy, just repeat it's your wedding and you want a small wedding.

You don’t have to invite all aunts/ uncles/ cousins on both sides just because you want to invite the ones you are close to. My cousin got married last year, I wasn’t invited, one of my siblings was. I didn’t think ‘why did they invite one cousin and not me?’ My sibling is close to our cousin, I’m not, it was completely understandable not to invite me. Invite the people you want to your wedding and don’t feel like just because you’ve invited an aunt/ cousin that one of you is close to you have to invite the relatives who you are hardly in touch with! Everybody understands that weddings are expensive and that most people want their closest friends and family there based on how close the emotional relationship is rather than where they sit on the family tree. If anybody in your or DH’s family would be upset because you invited a relation you’re close to but not another relation you’re hardly in touch with that says more about them than you! Plus if you’re not close with those relatives does it really matter what they think? Who cares if a cousin you never speak to is upset not to be invited?

They might be annoyed if they see that the groomsmen’s partners have been invited though. So personally I would invite their partners, also they are going to know very few people so I would want my best friends to be comfortable.

This is not a bad idea. Assuming 50 includes the OP and her DH to be, that makes 24 guests for DH and 24 guests for OP.

Then it's her DH's responsibility to work out how many places there are for his family and talk to his mother about who makes the cut.

I don’t think your DH need to do the same thing as long as you each allocate half your invites.

If you're not inviting bridesmaids' partners, why are you inviting groomsmen's partners?

I had a really similar scenario, except I had 40 wedding day slots and my DH has 4 siblings all with partners. We allocated 20 place each, I was able to include my favourite aunts and uncles and he didn’t.

We invited a fairly even amount of friends. I then invited cousins plus ones to the evening.

Ideally I would have liked a couple of my cousins to the ceremony but the register office only had space for 40 people and at the time I was closer to a few of my aunts and uncles.

50 guests is a small number as your DH has so many siblings.

Go the other way & cut the list down.

The list you made of parents, grandparents, siblings (plus partners), groomsmen (plus partners) and your Auntie comes to about 37 people. Including yourselves makes 39.

I would then add on the Cousin 1 & partner that you are both close to. It won’t cause offence to the others then.

You haven’t mentioned any close friends that you want, are you having any bridesmaids? Add those on, and then STOP - even if you haven’t got to 50. It’s better for your budget to have 46 people rather than 66.

I was going to suggest this. My family is a lot smaller than ex DH's, so my cousins etc were invited, while his list didn't even get as far as some of his aunts.
Personally, if his mum wants to be involved (and I know it's unfashionable on MN to even speak to your (future) MIL), I would tell her the numbers you're talking about for his side and let Germany send your DP decide between them.
If I remember correctly, we had 100 places, which we divided about 20 for mutual friends, then 40 for each family.

ALL the pet owning neighbours are a bloody nuisance frankly. All as bad as each other

dogs can be trained not to be barking in garden- sheer freaking bad ownership. If you want a bloody hound dog or husky that are by default noisy, live in sound proof property miles from ANY neighbour.

whilst cats in uk law have a “right to roam”, the owners in law still have a duty of care in preventing them from doing harm or damage. Cat owners can be sued for not doing that. Cats repeatedly shitting in gardens with kids could do actual harm (toxoplasmosis etc) and certainly cats can do damage. Neighbours cat has wrecked my fence by using it to climb in and out of my property as it got older 😤. cat owners often take the right to roam default position as their right to let their cat roam into neighbours gardens and piss and shit or damage fences and plants. They don’t have that right, they have a responsisiblty to prevent their cat doing that

so, 2 wrongs don’t make a right here OP. when you prevent your dogs creating a public nuisance by barking and yapping when they’re out, or you don’t have dogs, then you can launch with the loosing shit approach. Provided you aren’t creating another sort of neighbourly nusinance

you could have achieved the same thing, with a more moderate approach…”well A, I understand you want me to train my dogs to not bark, and I can do that to be a good neighbour, provided you too are a good neighbour and do something to stop your cats doing x,y,z. So how are we going to achieve this together? “ and genuinely mean this.

doing an all out shit show re cars etc has not helped resolve the issue. You’ve cut your nose off to spite your face. 🤦🏼‍♀️

When did 'groomsmen' as opposed to 'ushers' become a thing?

Is it because so many weddings aren't in church anymore?

Ushers had a job. What do groomsmen do?

<misses point of thread>

I invited the partners that were living together and an established couple/had dcs, iykwim.
At £150 a head I wasn't paying for my cousins gf of three months to attend my wedding!

I think invite exactly who you like and explain why certain partners aren’t invited (just to avoid any awkwardness) I have a huge family and recently my husband and I were invited to a family wedding as we’re both close with the groom(my cousin). He couldn’t invite the partners of my other cousins due to numbers/cost and the fact he hadn’t met them. It was fine with everyone. They understood. Stand your ground, it’s your day!!

I see what you’re saying! as long as it’s clear - married/cohabiting get invites but people dating don’t? I still think some people will be upset (and that might be okay - people aren’t owed an invite!) but I think you’ll find it easier if you have a general rule rather than based on how well you know someone which involves more judgement!! Hopefully you’ll have a fabulous day no matter what you decide!