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AIBU?

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Original poster

To not invite them to the wedding?

234 replies

Timetogoo · 09/04/2025 07:00

Please help, I’m having trouble with our wedding guest list. We both have big families and there’s a lot of people that we are very close to that we want there. The problem is, everyone has a plus one and it’s extremely expensive because it ends up being a LOT of people. I was speaking to my fiancés mum last night and she was saying I either need to invite peoples partners or not have them at all. I would agree with this all or nothing approach, however there are some peoples partners/spouses that we have relationships with, and others that I’ve probably only seen once in my life. We were specifically talking about two cousins who are sisters.
cousin 1 has been with her partner for 5 years, they have a house and a child together and we have been out with both of them numerous times and have a friendship with him.
cousin 2 has been with her partner for a few years, and I’ve seen him once or twice but never really spoken to him. My fiancés mum is saying I can’t invite one persons pertner and not the other. But I think surely it depends on our relationships with them?

she then goes on to say “x now has a girlfriend as well so you’d have to invite her” and I was getting so overwhelmed because I have only met X once and never ever met his new girlfriend and I don’t want to be introducing myself to people on my wedding day. I have to pay for people to be there and I’m not keen on paying for people that I don’t even know! But soon to be MIL is telling me it isn’t fair to have some and not others. It would also mean knocking some people off my own side of the family (actual family members) to make room for people partners that I’ve never met! We have a package which is 50 people. We can add more but it will cost extra per head and would honestly be so much money if we included everyone’s partners.

Please help.

OP posts:
Hollybobs1 · 09/04/2025 11:53

I'm currently planning my wedding too. Me and my partner have put a rule in regarding the guest list, if we haven't spoken to them within the last 6 months then they aren't invited. Otherwise we'd be WAAAAY overbudget. And we've stuck to it.

It's your wedding, invite whoever you want. Ignore the MIL.

Phyllisve · 09/04/2025 11:50

luckylavender · 09/04/2025 10:51

I don't agree with you. Of course they can invite one cousin's partner and not the other. It depends on the relationship.
Also it's your wedding OP. Don't try to please everyone because you'll end up pleasing no one. It's time to put yourselves first & cut out the noise.

Show quote history

But … please do it with grace. Talk to the people you are leaving out (or their partners whom you know) and make sure they know you value them and want to have a relationship after the wedding madness

Phyllisve · 09/04/2025 11:49

Psychologymam · 09/04/2025 08:58

you don’t invite plus ones necessarily for you or them, but to try ensure the person you are inviting has a good day! You’ll get variety of opinions - personally, I think unless it’s a distinct group (all cousins/all work colleagues) not getting a plus one as they are attending as a group and have company, it is going to cause issues - having some invited and others not sounds like a recipe for everyone to be annoyed! Also, lots of people may not attend if you don’t invite their partner as it (rightly or wrongly!) is perceived as rude so you need to be okay with that. Personally if my husbands cousin invited him and not me, I would assume she had an issue with me and we both wouldn’t go.. but if she didn’t invite either of us, I wouldn’t think twice about it!

You just need to have a conversation with them and explain and maybe arrange a meal to get to know the plus ones you aren’t inviting when you are back from honeymoon

Phyllisve · 09/04/2025 11:47

Timetogoo · 09/04/2025 07:00

Please help, I’m having trouble with our wedding guest list. We both have big families and there’s a lot of people that we are very close to that we want there. The problem is, everyone has a plus one and it’s extremely expensive because it ends up being a LOT of people. I was speaking to my fiancés mum last night and she was saying I either need to invite peoples partners or not have them at all. I would agree with this all or nothing approach, however there are some peoples partners/spouses that we have relationships with, and others that I’ve probably only seen once in my life. We were specifically talking about two cousins who are sisters.
cousin 1 has been with her partner for 5 years, they have a house and a child together and we have been out with both of them numerous times and have a friendship with him.
cousin 2 has been with her partner for a few years, and I’ve seen him once or twice but never really spoken to him. My fiancés mum is saying I can’t invite one persons pertner and not the other. But I think surely it depends on our relationships with them?

she then goes on to say “x now has a girlfriend as well so you’d have to invite her” and I was getting so overwhelmed because I have only met X once and never ever met his new girlfriend and I don’t want to be introducing myself to people on my wedding day. I have to pay for people to be there and I’m not keen on paying for people that I don’t even know! But soon to be MIL is telling me it isn’t fair to have some and not others. It would also mean knocking some people off my own side of the family (actual family members) to make room for people partners that I’ve never met! We have a package which is 50 people. We can add more but it will cost extra per head and would honestly be so much money if we included everyone’s partners.

Please help.

Your MiL should pay for the extra guests then

CosyLemur · 09/04/2025 11:36

Personally I would say everyone gets a +1 (or family invite) or no one gets a +1.

luckylavender · 09/04/2025 10:52

Dollshousedolly · 09/04/2025 07:22

Really, it would be bad manners where you have two cousins who are sisters and only invite the partner of one. Since you’re going to extend invitations out to cousins, you may just try and budget for an extra 10/15 guests. However, there would be no need to invite a cousin’s very new girlfriend.

That's not helpful.

luckylavender · 09/04/2025 10:51

BlueMum16 · 09/04/2025 07:05

Start with mums and dad's and siblings. How many do you have.
Do you have grandparents? How many does this take you to?
Then add your closest friends. How many to you have?

How many places or.the 50 are left?

This is your wedding. It's your guest list.

Personally unless you socialise with cousins they wouldn't make my list.

But MIL s correct, you can't invite one cousin's partner and not another IMO.

I don't agree with you. Of course they can invite one cousin's partner and not the other. It depends on the relationship.
Also it's your wedding OP. Don't try to please everyone because you'll end up pleasing no one. It's time to put yourselves first & cut out the noise.

MissScarletInTheBallroom · 09/04/2025 10:49

Growlybear83 · 09/04/2025 10:44

If you’re going to have a big wedding like this, then I think it’s awful to exclude partners, I suppose with the possible exception of a very new boyfriend/girlfriend, but even then I think it’s mean. I think you run the risk of people not coming to your wedding if they can’t bring their partners. If the cost is an issue, I would much rather make cutbacks in other areas so that I could include partners of your guests.

50 people is not a big wedding.

Khanga27 · 09/04/2025 10:47

Unless they are substantially contributing financially to your wedding, they should have no say in who you invite to your wedding. Stick to who you want there, and if anyone shares their judgement on it, tell them they can pay for those people.

Growlybear83 · 09/04/2025 10:44

If you’re going to have a big wedding like this, then I think it’s awful to exclude partners, I suppose with the possible exception of a very new boyfriend/girlfriend, but even then I think it’s mean. I think you run the risk of people not coming to your wedding if they can’t bring their partners. If the cost is an issue, I would much rather make cutbacks in other areas so that I could include partners of your guests.

lazycats · 09/04/2025 10:41

The notion that people should only come if they can bring plus 1s is silly. Why impose that? Maybe if they’d know absolutely no-one else there but it doesn’t sound like that’s the cases

8misskitty8 · 09/04/2025 10:38

DH and I both have big families. For the meal we invited our parents, siblings (and partners) grandparents. Aunts and uncles. Plus close friends and bridesmaids/best man who all had partners/plus1.
Then in the evening we had all our cousins and partners, other friends/colleagues etc.

RunningJo · 09/04/2025 10:38

Timetogoo · 09/04/2025 07:05

Thank you, me and DP were talking to MIL on the phone together about it and both of us were standing firm that it’s our wedding and we will decide ourselves. But since then i can’t stop thinking about it and haven’t been able to sleep properly because I’m now wondering if we have to invite all these extra people and how much that’s going to cost 😔

Show quote history

You don’t have to invite anyone unless you want to.
I’d keep the wedding to people you actually know, and by that I mean spend time with and see regularly, either as a couple or singularly. Appreciate there may be the odd Aunt or Uncle that doesn’t fall into that category that you may feel you should invite.

You could always ask your MIL to write her guest list and ask her to pay for those people - but that would only solve the cost issue, and you’d still have people there you didn’t know.

I think I’d ask your groom to speak to his Mum and tell her it’s your guest list, that you don’t intend to not invite your close relatives or friends, but people you barely know or see probably won’t make the list due to cost, and the fact you want this to be a guest list that means something to you both. Suggest that MIL could always host a post wedding party for extended friends and family.

Good Luck Op!

whyyyyyisitmonddayy · 09/04/2025 10:35

from personal experience myself and a few cousins all have long term partners that we live with, and another cousin is getting married next summer. she hasn't invited our partners and its making people not want to go, including people who aren't affected. I think if you can't invite people explain that it's a money issue -- in our case it wasn't.

StrangerThings1 · 09/04/2025 10:29

Usually people who want to keep weddings small don’t have a best man and 4 groomsmen, with all their partners ( if they have partners) this amounts to 10 people which is a huge chunk out of 50 guests that you want to limit it to, are you also having a maid of honour and 4 bridesmaid?
My sister, who wanted to keep her wedding small had one maid of honour and one best man

MissScarletInTheBallroom · 09/04/2025 10:23

NiftyFiftyPlus · 09/04/2025 09:55

Absolutely spot on! If you want a say, get your purse out! Give MIL the cost of the guests she wants to add to the list and see if she is willing to foot the bill.

But ultimately it’s your wedding and you call the shots.

Show quote history

Yeah.

Her fiancé can go to his mother with his list of family members and say, "I have the budget to invite 16 people from this list. Here are my top 16. If you want anyone from number 17-30 to be included and are willing to pay £80 per head for them, let me know which ones."

abs12 · 09/04/2025 10:22

Bloody hell OP this sounds horrendously stressful. Now with the clarification of the cousins, you're spot on! Married/de facto cousin yes to partner, boyfriend/girlfriend no.

I think you should stop compromising and go back to your original list and don't discuss it or pander to anyone. Don't compromise on YOUR wedding.

Remember, the people you invite are people who are meant to love you both and will understand the compromise. If they don't then they don't deserve to be there.

Good luck OP, hope it goes well!

MissScarletInTheBallroom · 09/04/2025 10:20

Neemie · 09/04/2025 10:08

It isn’t rubbish. After the ‘all about me’ moment has worn off (not saying OP is at all like this), not many people want to have thrown a shit wedding that alienates people.

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People who are alienated by you not having a magic money tree are no great loss.

EmeraldShamrock000 · 09/04/2025 10:16

I'd be upfront with everyone, the majority will understand the situation.

The expense for one day has a lasting impact, plus the stress trying to please as many as you can.

In your situation I'd probably choose to marry privately and have a big party.

Neemie · 09/04/2025 10:08

Flossflower · 09/04/2025 08:30

Rubbish

Show quote history

It isn’t rubbish. After the ‘all about me’ moment has worn off (not saying OP is at all like this), not many people want to have thrown a shit wedding that alienates people.

megthemum · 09/04/2025 10:04

Absolutely wouldn’t listen to MIL in your situation. It’s your wedding, your decision who to invite. If cousin 2 is bothered about partner not being invited she can just not go IMO. We invited who we were closer to which in some cases meant we invited my mums cousin & their husband/wife and one of their kids from a sibling group who I’d have been close to as a child because I wouldn’t have spoken to the siblings. Literally nobody cared, at the end of the day if you wouldn’t feel sad about them not being there don’t invite them. And to answer your comment further down yes I would knock off the people your mum said you should invite to make room for closer people. It’s not a huge 300 person wedding, people will understand.

Enjoy the build up once this stress is out of the way and have a fabulous day! Congratulations x

NiftyFiftyPlus · 09/04/2025 09:55

anyolddinosaur · 09/04/2025 09:49

How much is MIL contributing to the wedding costs? Just say I'm willing to invite .... if you pay the additional cost.

Absolutely spot on! If you want a say, get your purse out! Give MIL the cost of the guests she wants to add to the list and see if she is willing to foot the bill.

But ultimately it’s your wedding and you call the shots.

Oblahdeeoblahdoe · 09/04/2025 09:53

The fairest way is for you and your DP to each pick your top 25. If he'd rather have a friend or a cousin's partner than an aunt that's up to him. You can still have your aunt.
Mil hasn't got a say in it and even if she did she can take it up with her son.

anyolddinosaur · 09/04/2025 09:49

How much is MIL contributing to the wedding costs? Just say I'm willing to invite .... if you pay the additional cost.

Doitrightnow · 09/04/2025 09:48

It's not fair for your fi to invite so many more people than you, and it sounds like your aunt is the only extra person you actually want!

I don't think all partners need to be invited. We invited married or cohabiting couples. Other couples only got invited as a couple if we were actually friends with both.

Options as I see it are:

  1. elope / have a tiny wedding with just parents and siblings or similar
  2. split numbers completely equally, 25 each side.
  3. split numbers by saying that parents, siblings and their partners are automatically invited but any remaining spaces are split 50/50 between you. So you can invite your aunt and some friends if you want and he can invite cousins for example.
  4. agree with your fi who to invite and if Mil wants extra girlfriends etc she pays for them.
  5. choose a cheaper venue which can accommodate everyone. Tbh this is my preference and what we did. Our venue wasn't pretty, but everyone we loved was there.