To not invite them to the wedding?

I said to my daughter “would you normally take this person out for a meal that would cost you £105 per head “ because that’s the minimum it costs to invite a distant cousin who you never see to your wedding reception and evening , it helped her to decide . Perhaps Future mother in law will pay for them to attend?? Cheeky

It's your wedding not your MIL, invite who you want, if your MIL want extra she can pay, just tell her you can't afford extras.

I think its incredibly rude to invite somebody to a wedding without inviting their partner. Disrespecting other people's relationships whilst expecting them to celebrate yours doesn't sit right with me.

I think you should cut your cloth accordingly, and plan something you can afford, or not invite those who you wouldn't extend the invite to partners for.

The etiquette around weddings has changed drastically in the last 15 years. They are incredibly expensive compared to your MIL’s time.
I’d gently tell her this and that unless she is contributing to the overall cost of the day she doesn’t get to dictate the wedding list.

I got married 5 months ago. Small affair with only the people I know and loved there. Did it upset my mother who thought all 12 of her sisters and their children should be invited - yes. Did she get over it and we had a fantastic day. Also yes.

This is very much a you do you. A wedding is a day. A marriage is a lifetime and its much better to be pragmatic about the things you can afford and giving yourself the best start to married life!

good luck!

This. Allocate half the spaces each then each decide who to invite.

Myself and DH had this when we were arranging our wedding. We both have large families and felt awkward in decisions about who to invite. In the end we had family we were close to and their +1’s as well as close friends. When it came to ones we weren’t as close with, we invited some cousins / friends but no +1’s and said we were sorry but we had numbers we couldn’t go over. The ones not invited to the day were invited to the night instead where numbers weren’t so much of an issue. Everyone we spoke to were great about it and completely understood. It’s an expensive day and no one has the right to dictate who should go etc. if your DP’s mum is so adamant about people being invited ask her if she is paying for them? Because if she’s not then tell her to fuck off it’s down to cost and say a firm no and stick to your guns and certainly don’t be removing your own family who you are close to and there for the sake of someone you’ve met once

OP, I had a big group of really close work friends who all knew each other and socialised outside of work together without DP/Hs. I invited them all without their partners so they could still have a girlie day/night out and they all said it was the best time without them lol

No parent should be telling you who to invite if they're not contributing to the cost

I'm with MiL, people will say, " it's your wedding and you do as you please" however, if you invite people without their partners, your relationship with them will decline. Inviting someone without their partner in my opinion is very rude.

I would stick rigidly to the 50 limit or less. Or go with what you had worked out to add 10 extra guests.

Do NOT ask your mum or MIL for any mire opinions and be prepared to be in the wrong whatever you do. Weddings are an exercise in you can't please everyone so you may as well please yourself. Some people are going to be pissed off, whatever you do.

Really you should get 25 and Dh get 25 and you can negotiate over shared friends to do what's fair.

Unless you are loaded or have financial help you can't have all cousins and you can't invite every plus one especially not cousins plus oone. People might not be happy but most will understand.

If you have a cheap wedding venue doing the food yourself will be a nightmare and a totally different day. Using a cheap caterer might be OK. Costco platters etc but still needs someone to coordinate. I'm going to bet it will be you and DH, nit your parents.

I went to a 40th recently where the woman's aunty sorted the catering. Then the birthday girl could enjoy her party. Don't go for cheapness and more guests at the expense of your own enjoyment.

invite your initial list and tell mum and mil if they want others added they pay for them to be added

A lot of people are giving this advice - presumably on the assumption that if MIL to be thinks she’ll have to put her hand in her pocket, she’ll pull her head in. But what if she doesn’t? What if she says “Okay - you can have five grand towards the wedding, as long as my whole extended family and partners get full day invitations?” No WAY will that be the end of it. If she “buys” places on the guest list, she’ll think her contribution buys her a say in everything else too - the venue, the food, the entertainment…

And what about OP’s mother, who has also said she expects Uncle Tom Cobbley and all to be incited? How is she going to react if all MIL’s family are invited, but not hers? If she can’t or won’t contribute, will she accept that MIL’s family are getting the lion’s share of the places because she coughed up? Or will OP be under pressure to ditch friends to accommodate relatives?

OP - I would stick to a rule of no partners across the board. There will be people who won’t be happy, but it’s harder to argue when it applies to everyone. Talk to the cousin whose partner you know well; say “We’d love to have invited Steve, but we had to do a blanket no partners rule or we’d have needed an extra 30 spaces. We’d love to meet up with you both for a proper catch-up after the wedding”. Anyone who really cared about you would understand.

Urgh, I really loved my wedding day, but almost 20 years on I still get a little stressed thinking about the planning and especially the wedding guest list.

Ours was out of hand at one point. My mother in law had a list of 220 people she insisted we "needed" to invite. Overall, we'd have had in excess of 300 people at the full wedding, which, apart from everything else, severely limits the options of where to have it, around here at least.

The unbalanced family numbers was an issue too as it meant one side would have 3 or 4 times as many people, depending on whether we were looking at immediate family, including aunts and uncles, including cousins etc.

We went off and booked a small family wedding abroad, fully intending to pay for parents and siblings, but DH's parents refused to go and DH was gutted not to have them along.

In the end, we did parents, siblings and partners, and a few close friends each. It came to 48 people for the the whole day. Then invited everyone else to the evening do. Sure, some of the aunties were possibly a bit put out initially, but everyone got treated the same. It was the only way to do it without bankrupting ourselves.

So you have 25 spaces each then
Work out who are joint invitees and then split the rest equally for family. If you have spares then he can have a couple of yours for his family
MIL can mind her own business

100%

Earlier you said your partner thinks the same as you. From this update it sounds very much as though he doesn’t. It seems as though you want everyone to agree with you and blame this on your mil. If you can’t agree on wedding guests the future could be rocky.

Tell your FMiL " Our budget is 60 people, that means XYZ unfortunately cant come, I appreciate your reasons and if you would like to cover the cost of adding them then we would love them to join us"

Similar problems here.

We've invited friends together without partners to the day, they'll be seated together. Partners are coming to the evening.
We've invited one auntie and uncle together, another auntie without her partner as we've never met him (she's declined), and haven't invited the other aunties.
We've invited a sibling, his wife and adult child, we haven't invited adult child's partner who we've never met. Adult child has declined. They are both welcome to the evening.
We've invited siblings and spouses/ partners, but not the children unless there's no childcare- the registry office holds 45 people and we could either invite spouses or children. Kids can come to the night if they want.

If this is the venue you want, then have it how you want it. Don't even invite the 20 year old cousin to the day, invite them both to the evening. And don't invite the cousins who you haven't seen for years either. It's your wedding, spend it celebrating with people you love.

Maybe you and your boyfriend should each have 25 people to invite.

I'm shocked that your aunt won't get an invite, in favour of your boyfriend's cousin's boyfriend. I'd definitely put my foot down on that.

We were quite brutal with our guest list, if we BOTH hadn’t met them, they were not coming.

My husband has 3 cousins, 1 who was married with a a child, and 2 who had partners of less than a year which neither of us had met. So they were not invited to the day but more than welcome to come in the evening.

His aunt messaged me to say was there a mistake, I just said no mistake. So the 2 cousins without plus 1s didn’t come to any of it.

There was no big drama.

I didn’t want to look back at my wedding pics and not know who these random people were at the expense of good friends that I would have preferred to be there.

Luckily both sets of parents were fine with it.

Work out your budget, divide into per person numbers. Start with immediate family and best friends and work down. Cull and be ruthless, invite some to evening only. Consider only inviting adults where needed.

honestly I think the bride worries more than the guests.

some will be funny whatever the outcome, just don’t go into married life with huge debt.

enjoy your day - most important !

When my cousin got married she had those she wanted at the church and for the wedding breakfast, which included some cousins but not all, and the rest went to her evening do. I think her reasoning is she only wanted those they actually spent time with the be there.

If your MIL is so intent on everyone coming is she offering to pay?

This is where you need to stop. You and DF are in agreement.

You sound like a caring and considerate person - so much so that you are upset by MIL opinion and now taking on the opinions of randoms on the internet who are irrelevent and some just enjoy goading as a sport on here.

Huge congratulations - go with your original plans - ensure you invite your aunt if you want to. You have said this a few times and she seems special to you.

Ensure that you are surrounded by the friends and family that you love, who have supported you both, who are in your life now and who will be in your life in the months and years after.

Your MIL seems like a piece of work. RED FLAG. Have there been issues with her in the past? KNOW that she is being wholely inappropriate and controlling here. Step back from her and dont indulge her nonsense now or in the future.

If you are unable to resolve it with your DF - then split the list 50/50 - then he can choose who he wants and YOU are not compromised because he has a large family.

Someone is always going to have their nose out of joint and from my experience the one who pipes up is always the one on the periphery - irrelevent to your life.

My DPs are one of 12 and 10 - so I had 22 aunts and uncles to start. I also have 57 first cousins (all with partners) .... I invited the first cousins who are my close friends and their partners over other cousins who dont socialise with. This meant siblings of these cousins were not invited - they are also big familys (8s,6s,5s) - so if I had added all my first cousins and all their partners that would be another 100+ guests. Not possible!

It sounds like 50 was an inaccurate estimate.
most logical is you split it into 25 from your side and 25 from his side. Sounds like your husband to be hadn’t understood the max 25 memo. If he has 6 siblings he can’t invite cousins. His side= 2 parents (presumably), 6 siblings +1 (=12), maybe a few nieces/nephews?, and his best friends. That leaves no space for cousins. Simple as that.

regarding specifics:
Your aunt: how many aunts and uncles do you have? If it are 10 I don’t think there’s anything wrong with only asking your one lovely aunt, it sounds like she’s a second mum /godmother type. Surely others see that too? If you only have 3 or 4 I think you’d have to invite the other 2 or 3 aswell.
The 2 cousins: both have long term partners (I presume living together?). It’s mean to invite one and not the other partner, as they’re both long term partners. So it’s 4 or zero. If he has 4 spots left in his 25, they can be invited, otherwise not.
Other cousins: some story as the aunt above. If there are 10 cousins, I think it’s ok to just invite the 2 if they are your best friends, but if there are only 4 cousins, invite the other 2 aswell. But inviting more than 2 cousins (or 3) and leaving some out is not very nice.
regarding the cousin’s girlfriend: nothing weird with only inviting married partners (obviously includes those living together).

look at each group like you would look at a friendship group. Sometimes the group is that large that it’s ok to just meet up with one or two. Sometimes the group is smaller and then you’re obviously leaving people out by only meeting up with one or two.

I suppose everyone's idea of a wedding is different. To me it is the bringing together of two families and perfectly normal to invite people you haven't seen for years because it is an opportunity to reconnect with them.
For others it is a lavish party for friends and only those family members you know well. I think it's difficult to combine the two on a limited budget which is what you seem to be trying to do.
I do think though in either case inviting two sisters but only inviting one of their long term partners doesn't look good and could lead to a fall out.

I’d you don’t invite partners you also run the risk that people will attend but leave early