To think I'm not the only one who went to heal and now doesn't want a relationship at all

Ok, I see your point…up to a point. But no one tells married people they might change their minds, and badger them to change their minds and try to set them up to end their marriages. So it does matter in respect of not being told I don’t know my own mind over and over again. That’s why it’s annoying.

How old are you, OP? Because if you’re young, say under 50, perhaps people think you can’t possibly know what you’ll want for the next 40 years or so hence them telling you “you’ll change your mind”. You’re obviously not unreasonable to want to stay single right now, for any reason, but it’s not an unusual assumption to make that you may revisit this stance in the next 4 decades.

I'm with you op. I've gone through the same healing process and come out the other side stronger and with a different perspective on partnerships etc. I am happy to be single and enjoying it whilst I'm not actively looking for a bf/p I haven't dismissed it as a possibility. I'm just happy where I am 🤷‍♀️ and after all I've gone through that's a miracle I'm very grateful for.

You misunderstand me. I'm not giving advice for life. I'm suggesting how OP manages the conversations. She has discovered that stating her intention to remain single leads to lots of comments she doesn't want. I'm suggesting a way not to box herself in to a position where this will happen. Because really, it doesn't matter, does it? Married people who believe themselves happy at a point frequently do seperate and remain single. Single people do change their minds. Its really not necessary for any of us to commit to a life long position to our friends either way.

I don’t blame you at all. I’ve never been married and don’t have children and I’m starting to wonder if I even want to get married at this point in my life, or live with anyone! I like my life and don’t have the energy for all the muppets that seem to be ‘out there’. Don’t get me wrong, I’m sure there are decent ones, but none are crossing my path and I’m not going to settle just so I can be in a relationship.

Do you say that to people who are married?
Can you imagine if I said ‘got out of that marriage yet? No? You love him? Yeah but that won’t last, you’ll get sick of his boring jokes and want be alone soon!’
and then when they said no this is forever
‘oh but never say never! Don’t box yourself in!’

see how rude that is?

Pple advising her it’s ok (for now) & not to make any hard & fast rules about it - are still implying she doesn’t know her own mind! Even if you mean well. Even if you think that people can often change their minds or their circumstances can change. Just accept her decision! Why does the metaphorical door have to be left open if she that’s what she wants? What about validating her agency? Of course nobody knows what will happen tomorrow, equally any of us cld get run over by the proverbial bus. It’s patronising & as though you know better than her if you say it. She’s a grown adult able up make her own decisions.

Its not worth getting into it with people OP. If they tell you you will change you're mind, just say "maybe, but not anytime soon" and shut the conversation down. Because, in truth, none of us know what tomorrow will bring. Some people do change their minds. Some don't. There's no point in boxing yourself in to a fixed position on it. The most important thing is to be happy with the way your life is right now.

I’ve been on my own for five years and this exactly my perspective. I run my life how it suits the kids and me. Why would I endanger that?

I have to put my hands in my pockets to avoid the risk of punching the nose of anyone who tilts their head and says ‘and is there someone else in your life now?’

Agree with @TheOriginalEmu The OP isn’t being being militant or pronouncing some finite edict about herself she’s just expressing her choice not to seek another partner. It’s the family & friends that refuse to accept it & continue to see you through the lens of needing to be coupled off, set up on dates, reminded that you’ll find someone, preached at for all the ways to find/not find another man. She doesn’t need that but the more she asserts herself the more emphatic it sounds & pple resort to saying you’re just being stubborn about it (bcos it becomes less about the issue & more about them trying to assert what’s “right” versus what’s wrong” about it. It’s exhausting. The literal definition of social pressure.

@TheOriginalEmu exactly that. Like I don't know it now, because I am hurt and not ready for a new man. But things will change, better times will come dear. Nooooo the best times are now! With my dc. Clean toilet (children cleaner than man yes) no snoring, no discussing anything, no man moods, no middle aged unwashed body that keeps wanting more from me, nothing of the sorts. Just my life, my decisions, I am middle aged myself and somehow my kind body has adapted to my brain and has no specials longings for male touch at all anymore, woooohaaa, love it , keeping it like this. Until dc move out, then hopefully I find a small apartment in an old folks home, with bff, playing bingo, biljarts, hot meals in the afternoon. No man, o no, no man. Maybe for the biljarts and drinking martinis, but then up to my small room, alone.
Cant wait.

It does matter though. It matters because I know my mind better than other people and basically being told I don’t is patronising and annoying. It matters because people try to set me up with men, or try to convince me that I just need ‘the right one’. It’s infuriating.

It doesn’t matter what anyone thinks nor understands that you don’t need a partner to be happy or fulfilled. You are content as you are, bringing your dd up, sounds like bliss to me.
Meeting another single parent means juggling everyone’s needs or finding someone without kids who doesn’t understand your dd’s priority in your life would be very painful and frustrating for you and dd.
When anyone questions your happiness and contentment, I would just smile and tell them you’re happy and living your best life X

I know a number of folk who divorced years ago and never really wanted another relationship. Or if they did have one it ended in disaster or just fizzled out. This not able to live happily without a partner theory is simply not true for a lot of people.

I divorced over 11 years ago, had one relationship post divorce and have now been single by choice for 8 years. I haven't stubbornly decided to stay single, I simply have no interest in having a relationship. I can't see it changing because I'm the most content I've ever been.

Don't feel pressured into conforming to the expectations of people who lack the imagination to see a different way of living as a perfectly valid choice.

I’m with you. I was single as a lone parent for about 10 years and happily so. I have had a partner for 5 years now but we haven’t moved in together it’s been perfect whilst DD and his DS were going through puberty exams etc. So even if you do meet someone you can do well to live apart.

Doesn't matter if you change your mind or not, OP. You will or you won't.

I think there is a problem with both parties trying to call it and label it. "I won't ever have a partner again!", "You'll definitely have someone again!".

Why try to set rules about it, or label it? Why feel the need to do that? It doesn't matter either way. Do whatever makes you happy in the context of your life in the moment.

It's weird for either of you to be putting your foot down about it and trying to set things in stone.

YANBU. I'm happily married, but if for some reason I became single, I would have absolutely no intention of finding another partner. I think it's very odd that people would think you were stubborn amd pig-headed for not wanting to.

I have stayed single for 15yrs, as DC very young when she split and i’ve focussed everything on raising them. Youngest is 17 now and I have dated someone from work, even though not officially together anymore (he is a sole parent of 2 much younger kids) there is still something there. But I was adamant i’d never be inviting a step parent into their life, as that’s what split my ex and I, things went sour with him and my eldest son. I don’t regret this decision. I have a fun and busy life. I did enjoy dating guy at work and there’s a lot of chemistry there, but I don’t want to be a step mum to younger kids when my 3 all grown up now. So for now, I just enjoy the flirting as been little of that. The only man in my life is my beautiful dog, and no-one could be more loyal or loving. Who needs a man anyway, only ever caused me problems. Focus on your daughter. I don’t regret my decision to do the same. Especially as I witnessed the upset when ex moved in a woman and her 15yr old son, that DD had met twice!

It took me 2-3 years of being alone and healing before I started to feel like I wanted to move on and meet someone new.

I got the ‘you’ll change your mind’ nonsense too. After 8 years I haven’t. When challenged by me asking ‘what do I gain by having a man?’, no one can give me an answer!

Me. Four years on and I can’t imagine being with someone again.

I saw a thread the other day about what your partner needs to feel loved, and a poster said that they have a policy of hugging each other when they wake up and asking how one another slept. Just the image feels suffocating to me. It reminded me of how I’d get it in the neck if I didn’t kiss my ex hello or goodbye.

I want to be able to do things without interference, or expectations on me. Life is frustrating enough as it is.

Physical affection can be lovely… when I feel like it. Most of the time I don’t. Some people just aren’t suited to relationships.

Speaking entirely for myself, there is an element of trauma or fear that would make me stay single in future. I am conflict averse and find it difficult to assert myself around people. This means a partnership ends up being a pain in the arse for me rather than a comfort because I feel stifled. Maybe if I properly healed and was able to stand my ground in future I would feel differently

Statistics support that women are better off alone.