Gave Granddaughter's Mum £250 towards her 3rd birthday party

It would seem like you are ignorant/sheltered, yes. This is an entirely normal age-gap. And as it happens, also not the age gap in this case.

Sorry this has happened, well now you know! just give dgc birthday / Xmas treats ect when you and your son have her, let her mother pay for her dd's gifts/party's. I know it's hard, you have to step carefully as a mother can stop a grandparent from seeing a dgc.

From now onwards, I would just save the money in a saving account for the child and give it to them when they’re 18
Any money that you part with is not gonna find its way to the little one, it won’t enhance their life. And they won’t miss it.

Can you not it ? was double that in 2001

I would not mention it.
In future you can kindly buy a book or outfit or non expensive toy /game for birthday and Christmas.
You know now that a large financial gift isn't appreciated.
Just smile and be kind, doing things with your grandchild (and DIL) when you see them.

its a loss sadly, but nm u will gt it back through karmic

£250 towards a kids party is nothing nowadays a day out to sealife, meal, gift shop train tickets etc could easily cost £250.

"Well you won't be needing my £250 now- will you?"

That's terrible! So, your son should give his next contribution towards childcare, minus £250 then he can give it to you instead. Your son can then explain why its £250 short. Cheeky cow

Ask for the money back.

Once bitten twice shy! Right it off. Next year send a gift and bank any extra monies for your DGD when she is older. I'm so sorry this happened. Some folks just take advantage,your ex DIL is obviously one of them.

I can't imagine spending £250 on a kids party

If she decided against a party that’s fair enough. But she should have been transparent, not kept the money that was intended for a party. Maybe you would have said ‘ahh well keep it anyway and have a lovely day out’. But the way she has gone about it is incredibly poor and I’d be having words with your son about it. And obviously never offering money for anything like this again. She is a definite CF.

Thats not even the minimum amount. My daughter receives £28 per month from her 'Dad'

But that's not what this thread is about.
OP generously gave £250 for a specific reason and it was spent on something else, she asked if she was unreasonable to feel miffed about that. I think she isn't being unreasonable but it's best to let it go and just learn from it.
OP is not responsible for what her son does or doesn't pay.

There's a lot of threads bringing in stuff that isn't relevant. Is it that unusual for couples in their early 20s to have a 4 or 5 year age gap?
It sounds as if OP loves her grandchild and wants to be involved but it would be better to give them things directly in future rather than give the Mum money.
Also it's vital to try to get on with the child's mother or there's every possibility that OP will be cut out or kept on the side lines in the future.

Absolutely this.

Thanks. It felt pretty hard at the time, but we really want to maintain our relationship. DIL’s family always comes first and we seem to be ‘tolerated’ by her. No idea why. Very careful to not give advice, express opinions, it’s all positive, all the time from our end…

Dgs is 3 tomorrow but dd2 has decided he's too young for a party - they've been to a few recently- and wants to wait a couple of years. I think she's right.

This reminds me of when a friend of dd1's was having a party about 20 years ago. She wanted to go to a particular place and asked for £5 contribution. I was a bit surprised but gave the money. Fast forward to friend's birthday and they stayed at her house as she'd changed her mind! Never got my £5 back.

Sadly, a lesson learnt, although it's a shit one... don't give her any money again. Clearly the money was spent elsewhere, probably on herself, rather than your grandchild. It's a shitty thing to do, and I understand why you're upset and rightly so, angry. Chalk it up to experience.

I’m sort of torn here. I think once you’ve “gifted” money you don’t really get a say over how it’s spent.
That said, she’s clearly not spent £250 on one day out at the Sea life centre. At least she did take your GD somewhere though and I am sure your GD had a lovely time. I took my niece there for her 3rd birthday and she absolutely loved it.
In future spend the £250 on a lovely day out (or two) with your GD and yourself.

You getting 0 doesn’t mean that someone else is OK to barely support their child. No one should be grateful for the bare minimum (or less than).

did she know that was supposed to go towards a birthday party? or did she think it was a present?

Dunno who the 19 year old is, the OP has clarified their ages.

I did laugh at the last sentence 'not a fan of relationships like these'

To lighten the mood, I'd like to add that when I was 20,21 I was a MASSIVE fan of 25 year olds, and so we're my mates. Found 20 year old men too silly! Big fan of 'relationships like these' lol