Is once to twice a week sex enough in a marriage ? When does sex drive dwindle in men ?

@Maitri108 What would you do if you felt physically sick by the thought of sex with your partner?

Actually that’s not what is being said.

What is being said is:

Wanting intimacy in a marriage is fine.
Not wanting to have intimacy in your marriage is fine.
Not being honest about your partner making you feel sick is not fine.
Not being honest about not wanting sex ever again is not fine.
The marriage has no future because they cannot be happy together.

The End.

Her ealier post was:

"**thats his choice then, to leave his family. He has to deal with being the one who did it."

The later response was about still having the family.

When asked if she would then blame him entirely for the failure of the marriage or take any accountability for her role in it? Crickets.

It's the nature of abuse, it's complex. Many victims of abuse are in denial and minimise what's happening to them.

You often hear survivors say that it was when they left the relationship, they could see how abusive it was. Many are shocked when abuse is pointed out to them.

Abuse often happens slowly over time and you gradually get used to it and minimise it. For example, "He's just concerned about me, that's why he's tracking me." "He's only jealous because he loves me so much."

Leaving a marriage is difficult especially if you aren't able to support yourself or don't want to split up the family. Many women buy into the notion that men are entitled to sex.

You can see on this thread people telling her that her husband has needs and just desires her. I remember a woman who was being regularly assaulted by her husband and her friend said she was lucky he fancied her so much.

Her description of if her left her was in response to someone saying he can still have his family if he left. Obviously that wouldn't be the case because they wouldn't be a family any more.

People are filling in the gaps to suit their narrative.

OP I have similar views with you on marriage and family, for me a sex issue in a marriage is not enough to break it. MN is full of people telling you if anything is less than perfect in a marriage then the solution is LTB but sometimes that is the worst solution for the particular people involved. I went through a similar phase but DH wasn't so much a pest as yours, but my feelings were similar. I tolerated 'duty sex' about twice a month and that kept the problem at bay, but didn't help the relationship. I mentioned it once on MN and was torn apart by people telling me it's wrong / abuse etc but I disagree, sometimes it's worth it and I think the alternative they were suggesting (separation) is a million times worse.

First I don't think you can say you never would again. You don't know that. If you have never been left to your own devices for a long period of time then you don't know what your libido is. I think you need to agree a period of abstinence with your DH, a month or two, maybe more and really see how you feel. You might get a bit in the mood only at ovulation time or not at all, but you need to see what would be optimal for you. I think he would be very unreasonable to not agree to this break, in the overall scheme of things it's not that long to ask. Then talk very very openly about how you want to proceed. Ideally with counselling. If you can agree to once a fortnight and he agrees to never request it then that's a compromise. Not ideal but better than where you are now.

If either of you can't agree any compromise then plan B probably is separation, maybe an open marriage, or as @ThisFluentBiscuit biscuit suggests, a discrete affair with a blind eye turned. Not ideal at all.

Fwiw my situation is much better. Dh had some counselling for other issues and is much more understanding about my feelings. I try to spend time with him in a positive way and try to channel that affection into sexual energy, sometimes it's still just dutiful but sometimes very nice. It's not that often, about twice or three times a month. We had drifted in many ways and needed to spend a lot more time together as a couple before we could really address intimacy.

She has said a certain amount. She has said “he knows it is not my priority” but then posted here how she really feels.

Many, many posts on here ask her specifically what she has said and why she hasn’t be completely honest with him. She has been posing yet ducked that question. That is sufficient to get a good indication as to what she has said.

Her description of if he left her also speaks to how she would behave, and again when challenged specially on that she doesn’t respond.

Her avoidance of answering difficult questions on here seems to mirror her avoidance of difficult conversations with her husband.

I agree that they won't be able to give the children a lovely family life. I would've ended the marriage the first time I was pestered for sex after saying no to be honest.

The marriage is over but neither of them are accepting of that.

@Resilience Yes! If my DH has been talking about finances all evening, for example, or what we need to get done in the house, I find myself completely uninterested in sex. 🤣 If we’ve been out having fun, however, it’s a different story!

It's far less than a priority for you. You said if he died at least there wouldn't be any more sex. Awful thing to say .

FGS , let him go and find happiness with another woman who enjoys a normal sex life .

It seems to be all about what OP wants. Not what's best for the children or her DH. They won't be able to give the children a lovely family life when there are issues like this.

Op, do you have a good emotional connection with your DH?

I find that I can also go a good while without the need for sex but DH is still like a horny teen. For me I need that emotion connection that sometimes we let slip with the hectic every day life. Do you get much 1:1 time together to have fun / date nights? I find that really helps being the connection and in turn sex back.

@Maitri108 So why doesn’t she end the relationship? She’s sickened by the thought of sex with him - surely that’s a reason for her to end it, isn’t it? Could you be in a relationship with someone who sickened you?

I can’t understand why she doesn’t. 🤷

You’ve concluded based on very limited information that she’s been coerced. There isn’t sufficient information on this thread. Read the CPS link I shared. This would not qualify as coercion.

Also note when it comes to legal proceedings it would be noted that the OP did not use the word harass. That’s another conclusion you reached. Suppose on examination it became clear he asks her three times over the course of 5 hours. You still call that harassment.

10am. You in the mood. no
1pm. You in the mood. No.
7 pm. You in the mood? Fine go on then.

You’ve reached a number of reaching conclusions and have made assumptions about interaction based on nothing. And when questioned she doesn’t want him to destroy the marriage. You’re not seeing past the end of your nose.

Good sex starts in the head. For many people the lack of mental foreplay and general consideration in living arrangements kills physical desire stone dead.

Then the answer is she says I don’t think this relationship is working out any more. We appear to be incompatible sexually at this point and so I think we should formally separate and go our alternate ways so we can both have our needs met elsewhere.

https://bmjopen.bmj.com/content/7/9/e016942

British Medical Journal article about how many women get bored of sex more quickly than men in a long-term relationship.

@Riaanna Absolutely, it must be miserable for both of them.

If my DH felt physically sick at the thought of sex with me, I’d want him to end it, tbh. Who wants a partner who is grossed out by you?

I said upthread that ny DH’s weight gain irritates me as he’s not trying to lose it- but I’m not grossed out by him, I just want him to cut down on the snacks.

She doesn't because she's being coerced. She is being pressured to have sex she doesn't want.

She has explained how she says no to sex (does not consent), and her husband harasses her to have sex until she gives in. Putting pressure on someone to do something is not consensual it's coercive.

She is not being honest with him about the reality of the situation he’s found himself in.

OP hasn't really gone into much detail about what she's actually said to him. She has said that they have talked about it many times, she has said he knows that she doesn't want sex and that's about it. I think a lot of people are filling in the gaps themselves and making a lot of assumptions.

OP responded to someone saying that her DH can leave but still have his family and whilst he'd obviously still see his children, OP is currently part of that family which is what I assumed OP was meaning. Especially as she has said herself that she doesn't want to leave because she doesn't want to break up the family.

It is this.

You haven't given a feasible explanation of how the OP is pressuring her husband to stay married.

And, again, she has the freedom and capacity to say no.

I honestly think the OP at this point wants everyone to say she’s in the right and her husband has no right to want an intimate relationship anymore as she doesn’t. He’ll be an awful person if he alone breaks up the marriage and then she can tell everyone that he’s at fault and it was nothing to do with her.