Is once to twice a week sex enough in a marriage ? When does sex drive dwindle in men ?

That's your interpretation of her husband based on what the OP has said about him, which is vague and only about his behaviour when trying to initiate sex.

But she clearly doesn't want to leave him, so you never know he might be a decent bloke. The behaviour you (and many other posters) interpret as abusive/indifferent to her feelings could instead be insecurity and neediness. Also not ideal behaviour, but in that case he may be capable and desirable of supporting his wife as she looks for help

If we were to hear her husband's point of view it could be

My wife has broken me, I feel so pathetic, sometimes I beg her to be intimate with me. I don't know what to do. She rejects me, she won't talk to me. I love her so much and want us to connect physically. When we do have sex it's like she's absent. I feel worse afterwards than before. I don't know how to make her happy. She says sex isn't important to her anymore. I feel so worthless. What can we do, I don't want to leave her or get sex elsewhere. I worry she doesn't love me anymore.

.

@LoztWorld of course she’s not looking for permission, but she also doesn’t seem to be considering any active solutions, which then just leaving everything as is.

If it’s just to vent it’s okay as well sure, it just didn’t seem that was the case.

I expect she just wanted to vent and perhaps find reassurance that she’s not alone from those in similar circumstances

Realistically no-one is posting on MN for permission to leave their husband

What would be a helpful response OP? I'm wondering what you'd like from this thread, how can we all help you?

Gosh people make it sound so easy to leave don’t they. Maybe he’s a good father and you like spending time with him, he’s kind and funny, your families are intertwined, you perhaps have an entirely shared group of friends, you are financially reliant on each other and would have to adapt to a much lower standard of living if you separated….

I can easily imagine how it seem worth ten minutes a week of unwanted sex to keep a life you’re otherwise happy with.

I don’t have the answers, OP. Just here to say I don’t think you’re awful and weak-willed for wanting to stay. And I bet a big chunk of those saying they’d leave wouldn’t either.

But in that case, I honestly don’t understand what exactly you expected from posting?

You don’t want sex but you have it just enough to keep the marriage going. You also don’t want to leave because you want to put the burden of leaving on him. You don’t seem interested in working towards recovering your libido.

Then, realistically, what do you envision for your future?

https://www.bpc.org.uk/information-support/find-a-therapist-or-clinic/

I would tell my daughter to leave instead of digging her heels in if she is sure she doesn’t want sex to be a part of her life.

Waiting to force the other party’s hand because you don’t want to be the bad guy but you also don’t want to take any action towards a healthy sex life is an impossible solution.

It must take a strong man to accept a no enjoyment of sex marriage OP. As previously mentioned I don't agree with the way your husband is dealing with this by expecting you to have sex when you don't want it. At the same time if you have no desire to be mutually intimate with him ie actually enjoy sex which is all about intimacy, I dont know how a marriage can survive. I always thought this was an integral part of marriage & love made it enjoyable & natural unless both parties were not interested.There doesn't appear to be illness or physical disability. In that case as others have suggested a trip to the GP or counselling, or both is definitely in order. I wish you all the best with this serious marital issue.

Heck 10 year on and doing ok.

You see I don’t understand that bit.
been with with Dh 30 odd years.
still want sex with him.
he’s lovely, very good at it and always makes me feel very loved and respected.

For that to help her in any way or to even have any chance of working she'd need the freedom to take sex off the table completely, probably for a considerable amount of time, which doesn't seem like it would be possible with this man.

She hasn't described anything akin to that? She has very much described that and it's crystal clear. He knows she doesn't want it and begs and begs and begs. She has said that he knows and that they've talked about it many times. She even suggested an open marriage out of desperation that he would 'leave her alone'. She has quite clearly said multiple times that he knows how she feels.

And you're trying to make out that it's just my spin on it?

So seek medical or psychological help to improve your life. Sex is there to be enjoyed, you're missing out on an important part of life.

I don't care about your husband's needs being catered to, he's not the one here asking for help. You are. You deserve to enjoy sex. With him, or someone else, or yourself.

You don’t need to have sex with your husband at all.

It isn’t a necessity.

If he is wants it and you don’t then you both need to communicate like adults and end the marriage amicably.

Please don’t bring your children up to believe that women should provide sex to their husbands when they don’t want to do it. Christ alive. If you take anything away from this thread then please realise this!

Does he give you the Ick OP? Is it something in particular that you don't find attractive? Or is it that 5yrs in and you feel 'done' with sex with anyone?

We can all get a little bored and want to have the desire of a fresh/new relationship. It's exciting getting to know someone new.

@isitenoughnow Have you spoken to anyone about it (counsellor or therapist)? I think it would be worth it.

What on earth kind of response is this? I'm dumbstruck anyone would be so flippant about something so traumatic in any context. I've no idea if OP feels this is what's happening to her but sure as hell there are women here who have been in that situation.

Truly awful, awful thing to type out & post on a women's forum.

You don't need to do anything. It's not part of any contract you sign when you get married that you must do this by law.

You need to really think this through properly. No one needs to have sex with a person if they don't want to.

I can’t imagine being stuck in a relationship where I find my partner repulsive, I would need to leave

You don’t need to

I would tell her to leave. The end. He makes her feel sick. Both of them deserve better.

This is your spin. The OP hasn't described anything akin to this (ie that he's behaving in the sort of coarse manner you've attributed).

He's initiating, in what the OP has described as an increasingly desperate way, intimacy with his wife. He's doing that because she's been trying to avoid sex without actually telling him she's avoiding sex. The poor bastard is living in eternal hope. Her hope is that she can avoid telling him she wants a sexless marriage by way of a series of fantasy scenarios, ranging from his desire one day suddenly vanishing to him being involved in a car accident.

I think the OP's aim with the thread was that we'd be able to suggest some better fantasy scenarios she could pray for... Frostbite? A snappy dog? Acme dynamite?
Erectile dysfunction would've been the ideal outcome here I'd think, were it not for the pesky blue pills 🍆🙄😠