Is once to twice a week sex enough in a marriage ? When does sex drive dwindle in men ?

Neither B or C is that. Not even close.

They have also had the chat. So he knows her feelings on the matter. And he just keeps pestering and begging and sulking for sex. So hence the 5 options a) give in to him all the time b) only have sex when she wants c) occasionally give him d) go to couples therapy e) divorce

That would be outcome C) or B). Unless she has a chat and he doesn't give a shit and still wants option A)

Try 60, amazing & thankfully mutual. People speak as if older men (&women)have little or no sex drive. I'm sure it's the case for some men,especially if they become obese,drink,smoke & let themselves go. A fit healthy man can be as virile as they were when first married. Menopausal women can lose interest due to hormonal issues although there are women whose sex drive increases with age & thats without HRT.

Sex drive for both men & women shouldn't be assumed to wear off for everyone after a certain age. That's the type of belief only those who have lost the desire like to assume to help them feel it happens to everyone. It doesn't. The OP asking when will her husbands sex drive start to decrease is a hypothetical question as it may never happen. She would be as well to accept the idea that if she wants the marriage to survive professional help is required. This rather than believe her husband will gradually have little or no desire for sex & intimacy.

Just end the marriage honestly

The only option is to have an honest direct chat with him. Weird that you haven’t included that.

And having sex is about more than getting a dick wet 🙄

It can’t be that great a decrease in their 30s if only 1 in 20 are reporting low libido in their mid 40s.

”The desire for sex – your libido – tends to lessen with age in men. A 2019 study of more than 12,000 45-year-old men found that about 1 in 20 reported low sexual desire, or low libido.”

Source: www.webmd.com/sex-relationships/features/loss-of-libido-in-men

Only options I can think of
A) Continue as normal giving in to his sexual demands. Probably grinding you down as the years go on
B) Only have sex with him when you want to. If it's never then it's never. See what happens
C) Somewhere in the middle - so decreasing it from every week to every month, every other month, etc. Agreeing on an allocated day maybe. Agreeing on no begging, no pestering and no sulking
D) Professional help no couples counselling/ therapy
E) Divorce

OP, you don't need to have sex with your husband, especially not the way he has been treating you. It would be nearly impossible for any woman to feel attraction to a man who treats her like a living sex-doll.

However, even if you do want it on your terms, would that be so bad? He has been forcing sex on his terms for how long now? Furthermore, a woman risks a lot more having sex with a man. Due to our biology, we are far more at risk of STD's and other infections when we have intercourse and we are the only ones who risk pregnancy. Biology isn't fair, but a loving man can do a lot to make up for that, such as having sex on his female partner's terms.

Does it? My DH is in his 40s and I wouldn't say his has decreased yet

I'd say that's a much better option short term than pestering and begging for sex but it isn't going to work long term.

You are making him leave.

What would Mumsnet say if he was having a sly wank with some dirty pictures? He'd be a dirty animal then??

It’s really simple. You have one of a few options: stay as you are and be unhappy; tell him no and stay married and he can either get used to corn and walking or be unhappy; or you split up. Anything else is just hand wringing.

I assume option one isn’t a goer otherwise you wouldn’t have posted so present him with the other two options. We stay together and don’t have sex, or we split up. Your decision. End of discussion.

OP do you have any idea why you have a pattern of becoming repulsed by sex 5 years into a relationship?

Is it a lack of the newness and excitement?
Is it self sabotage? Do you not feel worthy of a happy and fulfilling relationship?
Something else?

At the 5 year point are you completely devoid of any sexuality, or just towards your long-term partner?

You don’t ‘need’ to do anything you don’t want to do. Marriage isn’t just about a man getting his dick wet. Or maybe that’s all it is for some people? How sad.

Absolutely I agree with both you and @SouthLondonMum22 that no one should be begging and pestering another person for sex. And their marriage sounds unsustainable without some serious work. I think his behaviour around sex is awful. I think the OP is unwilling to take good advice. Have a read of my previous posts on this thread

But I was answering your point about him not being able to abstain if that was a hypothetical requirement of the OPs hypothetical therapy.

If his intent was absusive, then I agree with you that he wouldn't be supportive of such a requirement.
If his intent was due to his own insecurity, he may be able to be fully supportive.

We don't know what sort of a man he is, that was my only point

Sex drive in men decreases greatly in their 30s.

You could say the same about lots of abusive/controlling behaviour though, they're only doing it because they're anxious about losing the person or don't feel loved etc and they think that their behaviour is ok because they feel like they love the person so it's ok because they're just trying to show love or keep their partner.

Intention doesn't really matter, the effect is still the same.

If there's one man actively trying to coerce knowing full well what he's doing and there's another man doing it out of desperation thinking it's fine because he loves his partner then the impact on the woman is likely to be the same.

It doesn't sound in any way vague.

His POV very much could be like that, it still doesn't make sexual coercion ok, it's much worse than 'not ideal behaviour'.

Equally his POV could be that he feels very entitled and all the times he makes out he feels unloved could be manipulation.

If he posted that on here, he'd be told that no matter how he feels, he can't beg or pester for sex and that she is likely absent during sex because she is feeling pressured to have sex. He'd also likely be advised to leave her despite him saying he doesn't want to just like OP has.

Even if he is insecure, desperate, feels worthless etc he can't beg and pester for sex.

Of course it’s coercion.

@isitenoughnow this is a really, really tough read.

Yes. I don’t agree he’s necessarily abusive. He may be grumpy when she refuses sex not because he’s trying to guilt her into having it, but because he feels crap about how obvious it is she doesn’t want him.

Obviously his approach is not helping matters. But we don’t really know enough to leap straight to abuse, coercion etc.

As the OP seems to be getting annoyed at everyone’s advice, and there are many different things people are saying that she might do, I’m starting to think that what she is actually wanting is to keep the marriage and find sexual satisfaction elsewhere. Pretty much the only post she seems to have not poo-pooed is one quoting a book that says that it is women rather than men who need more sexual partners to truly gain satisfaction.

A fair few people on here have slightly misunderstood what she’s said about her views on sex: she has not said she no longer has any sexual desire, she’s only ever said that she no longer wants to have sex with her husband and that he repulses her.

There is no indication whatsoever that she no longer whats a sex life. Only not with him. Indeed, she’s both repeated the fact that she has previously lost sexual attraction with partners after some years and she’s also said she ‘believes that’ to a post suggesting women have a stronger desire for multiple sexual partners than men do.

I was very much sympathetic with the poster early on in a post I made earlier (while also highlighting that she cannot expect her partner to have a sexless marriage if he doesn’t want that, and therefore something has to change or the relationship needs to end).

But I’m starting to think that really what the OP wants is to keep her marriage but somehow find a way to remove sex from it, while at the same time getting some sort of ok from this group to find her own satisfaction elsewhere.