Page 25 | Is once to twice a week sex enough in a marriage ? When does sex drive dwindle in men ?

isitenoughnow · 2025-04-08T20:38:03+00:00

I just don’t ever feel up for it. The thought makes me feel sick. But I do it, as it causes resentment from my husband if I don’t. anyway, he’s expecting it once a week- sometimes twice ( but more rarely twice ). Usually it’s once a week. I am going away tomorrow for 2 weeks and usually he expects it in this kind of circumstance and will summon me soon. I feel sick thinking about it. I just don’t want to do it. I feel resentful of myself, of my body, of him. The fact that I just have to keep doing this or otherwise it’s a problem for my marriage. when do men stop wanting sex ? Does it really need to be a weekly thing or could it be monthly or whatever ? I just can’t take it anymore. When I say no, it’s endless begging and if I continue to say no, usually sulking. I honestly feel like crying tonight as I know he’s going to come and request it from me. at the weekend I was worried about him as he was out in his fast car and I thought how sad it would be if something happened. But it did cross my mind that at least I wouldn’t need to have sex anymore. anyway, I ask again - at what age does sex drive dwindle in men ?

Orangemintcream · 08/04/2025 22:06

Is he aware you don’t want it ever and that you hate it ? Is he aware he is effectively raping you ?

UndermyShoeJoe · 08/04/2025 22:05

If this is a pattern in all your relationships it does seem to be a you issue regardless of how the man is tbh.

BeaRightThere · 08/04/2025 22:04

I'm not going to jump towards telling you that this is abuse because I think your language is very hyperbolic here, no doubt because of your strong emotions.

Why don't you want to have sex? Is your relationship otherwise good? You don't seem to like him very much or to understand that he may still love you and be attracted to you and want to have sex within the context of a loving monogamous marriage.

Original poster

isitenoughnow · 08/04/2025 22:04

he has just come in to summon me. ‘ but I’m not going to see you for ages ‘

OP posts:

JLou08 · 08/04/2025 22:04

Your OP and comments are so sad to read, it comes across like you are dealing with trauma from sexual abuse. I know you are married and eventually saying yes but that is because you're being coerced, and that is sexual abuse. Coercion isn't consent. If you really do want to make it work with your DH I think you need some individual therapy and couples therapy. It may be past that point now though and maybe it's best to have individual therapy and end the marriage.

UndermyShoeJoe · 08/04/2025 22:04

mrsm43s · 08/04/2025 21:58

It's OK for you not to want sex.
It's OK for him not to want to be in a sexless marriage.
It's not OK for you to feel you have to have sex you don't want.

What have you done to address your non-existent sex drive? Dr appt/hormone tests etc. Have you both had couples counselling to discuss a way forward?

But fundamentally, if you don't want sex, and he doesn't want a sexless marriage, then it's time to go your separate ways.

Exactly this.

I have the higher sex drive whereas dh would be fine if my vagina sealed shut as long as he got cuddles and general affection. So while
I’m climbing the walls after a few days without his fine. I also do place love with sex without it I feel we might as well be housemates.

I don’t force him into sex though I have made it perfectly clear once a week is my minimum and I’m happy to leave because I won’t be in a sexless marriage. Sickness aside but even then tbh I have my limits.

Original poster

isitenoughnow · 08/04/2025 22:04

Youcalyptus · 08/04/2025 22:02

She doesn't need to address her nonexistent sex drive! She is with a deeply deeply unsexy man - nobody would want to have sex with the lack of understanding and connection he is displaying.

I bet with a nice open marriage and the chance for a few flirty dates OP might find her mojp gradually returns...

Well yeah of course it would, with a new person. I know it would but then after 5 years it would just be the same. I wouldn’t want to do it anymore.

OP posts:

Youcalyptus · 08/04/2025 22:02

She doesn't need to address her nonexistent sex drive! She is with a deeply deeply unsexy man - nobody would want to have sex with the lack of understanding and connection he is displaying.

I bet with a nice open marriage and the chance for a few flirty dates OP might find her mojp gradually returns...

Original poster

isitenoughnow · 08/04/2025 22:02

Cosyblankets · 08/04/2025 22:00

If you had a daughter and she came to you for advice on this what would you say?

I don’t know what I would tell her. We have a family together and a life together. Is the grass greener ? To go through a divorce is a massive thing.

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Waterweight · 08/04/2025 22:02

Moopsie · 08/04/2025 21:49

Have you considered suggesting an open marriage?

Who's gonna want this girl's husband ?
He's a piece of shit that can't function too the point of his wife wanting to hide & cry during what's effectively sex night
oh & he can't leave her because she's dependent on him for marriage & presumably got a couple of kids so financially a massive burden.

But by all means try & set him up with some other poor lady with low self respect. He deserves it

SussexLass87 · 08/04/2025 22:01

isitenoughnow · 08/04/2025 21:57

He would accept it, he’d probably not sulk if it was just a one off- if it happened frequently he’d sulk and he’d try and get me to talk about why I’m never up for it etc etc

the fact remains that I don’t want to do something that is part of marriage and he needs it. So what can we really do or say? It needs to happen. I grit my teeth and get through it. But I dread it and I’m so happy when I have my period. Although last period I had he begged and begged and even said he doesn’t believe I have a period and can I give him a BJ but I told him no. But I did have to say it many many times until he left me alone.

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This doesn't sound like he cares about your needs at all.

Original poster

isitenoughnow · 08/04/2025 22:00

mrsm43s · 08/04/2025 21:58

It's OK for you not to want sex.
It's OK for him not to want to be in a sexless marriage.
It's not OK for you to feel you have to have sex you don't want.

What have you done to address your non-existent sex drive? Dr appt/hormone tests etc. Have you both had couples counselling to discuss a way forward?

But fundamentally, if you don't want sex, and he doesn't want a sexless marriage, then it's time to go your separate ways.

He doesn’t want to do counseling.

I don’t think it’s a GP issue.

honestly ? I find it hard to keep wanting sex in long term relationships. It’s nothing to do with hormones I don’t think.

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RentalWoesNotFun · 08/04/2025 22:00

One of the reasons I left my ex.

Menopause kicked in and I couldn’t face doing it just to keep the peace any longer.

My life is more about what I want now. I can go to bed early and don’t have to put out or pretend to be asleep to avoid being pawed. Yeah the nice car is gone but my peace of mind is worth it.

Decide if you want to stay married and if not call it a day.

Cosyblankets · 08/04/2025 22:00

If you had a daughter and she came to you for advice on this what would you say?

BaronessEllarawrosaurus · 08/04/2025 21:59

isitenoughnow · 08/04/2025 21:49

He begs and begs and begs. I usually give in. If I am very firm, he sometimes leaves it be, but I have to say no 1 million times.

if I say no a few times, say twice in a row - let’s say then we haven’t done it for a couple of weeks, he gets pissed off. I feel like he is more on edge generally and not happy/ nice to me if we don’t have sex regularly. He’s not an abuser, he’s just frustrated if he doesn’t get it.

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He is abusive. Coercion which this is is abusive. Using Coercion to get sex is classed as rape.

He is abusing you

sweetpickle2 · 08/04/2025 21:59

At best, you are not sexually compatible and should split up.

At worst, he is abusing you and you should leave him.

DearBee · 08/04/2025 21:58

isitenoughnow · 08/04/2025 21:52

I don’t know what it is. I just find sex gross in general nowadays I think. Sometimes yeah he also grosses me out with all his noises. I don’t know the in and out makes me feel sick right now to think about. It’s not that he’s particularly bad at it. I think doing it for years when you don’t want to, probably is what’s put me off.

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I think your marriage as it is sounds untenable. You're going through with sex that you don't want, which must be soul-destroying and there's no way he should be pressuring you. On the other hand, it will also be awful for him living in a sexless marriage when that isn't what he wants.

I'm sorry, I don't have any easy solutions to that.

mrsm43s · 08/04/2025 21:58

It's OK for you not to want sex.
It's OK for him not to want to be in a sexless marriage.
It's not OK for you to feel you have to have sex you don't want.

What have you done to address your non-existent sex drive? Dr appt/hormone tests etc. Have you both had couples counselling to discuss a way forward?

But fundamentally, if you don't want sex, and he doesn't want a sexless marriage, then it's time to go your separate ways.

Original poster

isitenoughnow · 08/04/2025 21:57

Bloodyhotbifolds · 08/04/2025 21:54

To answer your question, DH is 60 and still going strong. BUT, there is absolutely no issue if I (or indeed he) says no and never in our entire marriage has he “summoned’ me for sex. And honestly, if he tried that, my legs would clamp shut.
There is more going on here op, his behaviour is entitled, disrespectful and abusive. Your body, your choice.
What would happen if you said no and that you were only saying it once and weren’t going to discuss it again? And that if he persisted or “sulked” that would make you want to shag him….well, never?

He would accept it, he’d probably not sulk if it was just a one off- if it happened frequently he’d sulk and he’d try and get me to talk about why I’m never up for it etc etc

the fact remains that I don’t want to do something that is part of marriage and he needs it. So what can we really do or say? It needs to happen. I grit my teeth and get through it. But I dread it and I’m so happy when I have my period. Although last period I had he begged and begged and even said he doesn’t believe I have a period and can I give him a BJ but I told him no. But I did have to say it many many times until he left me alone.

OP posts:

Coconutter24 · 08/04/2025 21:56

isitenoughnow · 08/04/2025 21:50

To be honest, I’ve said it to him before and he was absolutely shocked and offended.

he took it to mean I don’t love him. In my desperation I said ‘ why don’t you just do it with someone else and leave me alone ‘. He was upset.

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If you are very serious about an open marriage then that was completely the wrong way for you to bring it up

TariffPenguin · 08/04/2025 21:56

what is the fast car thing about

arethereanyleftatall · 08/04/2025 21:55

Can you answer op why you want to stay married to him?

is it finances? Kids?

for me, the ONLY reason I would live with a man rather than a woman is sex. If it was just company/finances I wanted, I’d choose my sister.

Bloodyhotbifolds · 08/04/2025 21:54

To answer your question, DH is 60 and still going strong. BUT, there is absolutely no issue if I (or indeed he) says no and never in our entire marriage has he “summoned’ me for sex. And honestly, if he tried that, my legs would clamp shut.
There is more going on here op, his behaviour is entitled, disrespectful and abusive. Your body, your choice.
What would happen if you said no and that you were only saying it once and weren’t going to discuss it again? And that if he persisted or “sulked” that would make you want to shag him….well, never?

Original poster

isitenoughnow · 08/04/2025 21:52

DearBee · 08/04/2025 21:50

So he wants to have sex with you but he's aware you don't enjoy it? That's grim. Why don't you want to have sex with him, btw? Is he actually any good at it? Did things used to be better between you two?

I don’t know what it is. I just find sex gross in general nowadays I think. Sometimes yeah he also grosses me out with all his noises. I don’t know the in and out makes me feel sick right now to think about. It’s not that he’s particularly bad at it. I think doing it for years when you don’t want to, probably is what’s put me off.

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arethereanyleftatall · 08/04/2025 21:52

You are wrong op.

He IS an abuser.