Is once to twice a week sex enough in a marriage ? When does sex drive dwindle in men ?

Maybe it is the type of men she goes for.

I honestly think it is your husbands attitude that has killed your sex drive.

The OP has clearly said that she goes off sex in all long term relationships after a certain number of years so it’s not necessarily something that can be fixed.

I get it, day to day life is very unsexy. You’ve seen them ill, grumpy, on the loo, done shopping lists and been to funerals with them, the allure and mystery is gone and they become a bit like a family member. The same has happened to me.

How long have you been married?

Ladies - if the thought of having sex with your husband makes you feel sick, for goodness sakes split up. It’s not normal! I was a bit like this with my first DH. Only because he kept cheating on me. With current DH (been together 17 years) I could happily shag him daily.

I could have written the original post. I feel exactly the same was and it is such a shit situation to be in. My partner isn’t abusive, and perhaps the OP’s isn’t either. But when two peoples sex drives don’t match up anymore then noone is in the right and no one is in the wrong. You’re both just incompatible.

so then what to do? Call it a day and go through with a divorce. Or stick it out for the kids, the security and the fact you’ve built a life together. Plenty of people stayed in fairly loveless marriages a few generations ago when divorce wasn’t a thing. Maybe it’s normal for many peoples relationships to cool off after 20 years, but to still be valid for many other reasons. If you wanted to go down this route though then he would have to accept the lack of sex, or consider an open marriage.

I have no suggestion what you do. My issue I think is that my partner is completely non affectionate outside of the bedroom. No hand holding, kissing, hugging. I’ve stopped doing any of this to him either over the years as I feel like it makes him uncomfortable. But then he comes at me wanting sex. So it’s really hard to go from being held at arms length to suddenly having to be passionate with someone. It makes me feel sick tbh. I expect what I should do is talk to him about it, flag it as a problem, be honest with him, go to couples therapy, make more time for date nights, etc etc. But I hate the confrontation of something I know has been going on in our relationship for years. I don’t think anything will change as I know he doesn’t like physical contact outside of sex, and that is what I need. So it’s easier to just suck it up once a week and try to get into the mood. The payoff for that is a stable household while the kids grow up, no money issues, and I keep a friend I have had for 15 years who I’ve been through a lot with. I agree with you that, when you look at the options, is the grass actually greener?

OP why did you marry him in the first place?
Was it an arranged marriage?
In my experience sex has its ups and downs, sometimes you have more, sometimes less, but usually because of all the other things going on in life.
In a comfortable relationship this would never, ever be an issue or problem.

I’m in a very similar situation OP. I have no advice.
It is very hard to leave a marriage when there are kids involved and everyone’s life would be more complicated and probably worse for me and the kids if I went down that route.
So I do what I have to do, less often and less enthusiastically than he would like. And the horrible atmosphere he creates in the hours (or days) before is absolute mental torture and I cry inside my head.
He’s on edge and I’m on edge and putting it off for as long as I can before I can’t put it off any longer because of the tension in the air.

But the rest of the time he is great and we have a good life and are generally very happy.
Sorry OP.

I agree with a PP about the way you suggest being open being crucial.

It sounds like it’s a cards on the table moment and say “look, I love you as a person and our family and our life together but I have no desire for a sex life anymore. I would love to stay married if you can get those physical needs met elsewhere but I won’t be doing anything I don’t want to do again.”

Just split up.

This pp nailed it 👆🏻

‘Enough sex’ needs to mean the same to you both, if your drives are unmatched it’s never going to enough for one of you. I also wouldn’t rely on the hope that he’ll eventually not want it. Accept you’re simply not compatible anymore

well begging, sulking and demanding isn't attractive is it. he needs to maybe think about how to make himself more attractive and how to make others more enjoyable for you of he wants sex. If he won't go to a sex therapist then there isn't much hope.

Exactly this. Hopefully the poster would be horrified if their daughter was in this situation (or if they found out their son wanted to use their wife as a wank puppet) and tell them to end the marriage.

So awfully objectifying.

But if you'd originally loved having coffee with them, and knew you'd be excited to have coffee with someone new...

Then it's time to find yourself a new Barista and your partner to get one too.

It’s not normal for you, but it’s normal for many people. It doesn’t mean there’s anything “wrong” with someone. That’s such an outdated view.

I was just trying to find where the line was between a possibly relationship ending question or ultimatum was vs coercion in people’s mind because the two would surely overlap depending on if the person being asked something they didn’t want / wasn’t keen on didn’t want the relationship to end that’s all 🤷🏻‍♀️

One persons this is my deal breaker is another coercive.

She doesn't appear to want any beverages, but expects to be able to stay in the coffee shop without making any purchases...(and doesn't appear to be being honest about never wanting to have anything in the coffee shop ever again).

It doesn't always dwindle in men, plenty of quite elderly men are still up for it. It varies. With some it is less often but loving. It was like that for me and my husband, he was lovely but he thought about things other than sex, had a busy job and was very into a hobby. He was a considerate man and loved me for more than sex, he understood there were times when I just didn't want to and it was OK.

I could not bear to live with someone who pestered for, and sulked without, sex.

All you can do is be totally honest, tell him you just can't face it and want separate rooms. He may decide you need separate lives, would you be prepared to separate and ultimately divorce?

How do you get a low sex drive? I was googling this as mine is higher than my husbands and it is so frustrating. I wished I had no sex drive to be honest but it's not. He clearly has sexual needs, maybe an open relationship. If I don't get once a week, I get cranky 😅 I am hoping my sex drive declines as I can't stand it anymore.

Of course you can have a conversation. You can say that you're unhappy with your sex life and would like to work on it. Your partner can agree to work on it or tell you sex is off the table. If you don't want to be celibate, then leave.

Because you do not have a right to someone else’s body for your sexual needs. It’s not difficult.

Go make your own thread if you need help understanding. This is not helpful in Ops thread when OP is being sexually abused.

Look, you must know you have a problem! It’s not normal to have no libido. I’m a 55 year old woman and would love sex multiple times a week. Sadly for me my DH is the male version of you. It sucks.

I'm sure this isn't a wind up/joke post - I really hope it isn't.

Assuming it's a genuine post, I cannot understand why anyone would have sex if they didn't want it. Maybe I'm in a minority, but it's 2025. Why on earth would any women, ever, have sex because their husband expected it (assuming this is not an abusive marriage or that you are with someoneyou fear). If you feel pressured or her reacts badly if you say no, it's emotional abuse and you can be supported to leave.

If you're just complying, just start saying no and leave it at that. He's got a hand. He won't die.

I’ve noticed this too. I think people are - for all kinds of reasons- going off sex more than ever and it’s causing a lot of these kinds of issues. I remember reading something recently where younger people in particular are generally having - and wanting - less sex than ever before.

Say it prior to being in the moment of him asking for sex.

but as discussion that you don’t want to have sex but you still want to be married and are happy for him to have a different sexual partner?

Maybe the coffee shop should offer her a cup of tea.